My personal opinion is that for something this big - and with an invitation and other people involved - one should not say, "you can go if you're good". Because what are the repercussions to the friend, her parents and the grandparents if you have to pull out at the last minute? My preference is to talk about the behaviour, how it would be viewed by the hosts, etc., and what is expected of her there. But I think a parent should say yes or no. Yes you are ready for such a trip, or no you are not.
For a couple of reasons:
- If you think she is not ready but she pulls it together briefly so you'll say yes, how prepared is she really for the trip? Are you setting her up for something she can't really handle, and has shown you she doesn't understand the need for?
- Putting "rewards" on good behaviour takes the reason for good behavior away from "for goodness' sake" and into bribery. I think the lesson is more useful, and more deeply felt, if the reason they are doing it is that it is what's proper and it's who they want to be.
- It teaches her to think that one person's lack of preparation is a good reason to make other people change plans at the last minute. Iprefer to teach that when you make a promise to friends, you keep that promise. And, related to #1, you don't make promises you can't keep.
- And finally, it lets her know that she can't just turn on the charm when she wants something badly. She has to *BE* that person to get the rewards of being that person.
So for me, if you think she can handle it; say yes, and give her plenty of talk about what the other family will expect of her, and what your family's honor is expecting of her representation of it.
