oldscutlass
Member
My wife and I got married 6 months ago. We had a good experience dating up to that point, had a short engagement, and had a very small wedding (that we wish would have just been private). The wedding was a big stressor for both of us despite not even having a wedding party and it caused us to not be ourselves on our honeymoon. On top of that, we both have a history of anxiety and other mental health issues that we had to work through with a time of transition. Plus, a few months later, we were forced to move.
If you know anything about mental health stressors, you know that a lot of events like weddings (especially ones you don't want that your families basically demand you do) and moving can be pretty stressful. On top of that, I lost a lot of my savings for various reasons. My wife and I were bickering more and her mental health was getting a little worse.
Her parents have a "my way or the highway" approach to treating her mental health that, spoiler alert, doesn't work for her at all. They then went and turned my parents against her, saying she was "toxic for me" and that we needed to "divorce, the sooner the better". My wife could see some of this but suspected my mom of being the perpetrator. In reality, it was my mother in law who was the one who started it. My mom is very impressionable and believes just about anything about someone if that person is a parent, doctor, etc. My mom then went and turned my dad and uncle against her.
Keep in mind that both of my parents, my aunt and uncle, and my father in law have all been divorced as you read forward. Because my wife was suffering a bit in the mental health department and wanted to try a different way of treating it than what her parents thought she should, she got caught in a bit of tension and my mom told me I had to absolutely send her back to her parents. We did separate for a month but then decided that what we did was not right by God or the Scriptures.
When we got back together, we had both worked on our mental health and were in a far better place. We both still have some things to work through, but we are getting better and better and have also rebuilt a lot of trust. We have, however, had to keep the fact we are back together secret from my family.
My family has suspected that we are back together and they have told me to "not let her get too close" and that I "must sign the divorce papers". I'm not going to sign any divorce papers and we are only getting closer and healthier in our relationship.
They feel she is horrible for me. I think a lot of it is just adjustment on my part. I hadn't been in a long term relationship in 14 years when we had met (we're both in our 30s for reference) and her parents refuse to acknowledge both the cause of her anxiety and the fact they caused her significant trauma that she is still recovering from. My parents are also very controlling and now they want to control me again despite the fact I have attempted to distance myself.
I'm concerned I'm going to lose my family. The only one who is on my side is my older sister, who lives very far away and cut my mom off years ago. I don't really want to cut anyone off, but I don't want to dissolve the union that God has blessed me with, nor do I want to ever write my wife out of my life again like I was coerced into doing for a while. I've also distanced myself from the in laws, especially knowing now that they were the ones who tried to turn things against us.
As far as other support: all but one of my close friends are in support of our marriage. (The one who isn't just got divorced and thinks it's the only way to go for anyone). One of them is a victim of a divorce from a woman who walked out on him. I have two pastors at my church. The one who married us is sort of siding with my family, but the other one is one of the biggest supporters of our marriage. My wife doesn't really like my church so I'm getting pastoral counseling alone. (She won't go there because of the pastor who is taking my family's side and also because she has a doctrinal disagreement that she feels is significant enough; I'm OK with the disagreement now because it doesn't really impact any core beliefs that we share).
What should I do about this situation with my parents? When do I tell them that my wife is back in my life, back with me, and that we are stronger than ever and want to do what is right by God? I have some belongings that I store at my mom's house, should I go and get them now just in case? I'm not even worried about things like holidays at this juncture...I just want for my family to accept her as my wife and know that I will NOT be signing any divorce papers.
If you know anything about mental health stressors, you know that a lot of events like weddings (especially ones you don't want that your families basically demand you do) and moving can be pretty stressful. On top of that, I lost a lot of my savings for various reasons. My wife and I were bickering more and her mental health was getting a little worse.
Her parents have a "my way or the highway" approach to treating her mental health that, spoiler alert, doesn't work for her at all. They then went and turned my parents against her, saying she was "toxic for me" and that we needed to "divorce, the sooner the better". My wife could see some of this but suspected my mom of being the perpetrator. In reality, it was my mother in law who was the one who started it. My mom is very impressionable and believes just about anything about someone if that person is a parent, doctor, etc. My mom then went and turned my dad and uncle against her.
Keep in mind that both of my parents, my aunt and uncle, and my father in law have all been divorced as you read forward. Because my wife was suffering a bit in the mental health department and wanted to try a different way of treating it than what her parents thought she should, she got caught in a bit of tension and my mom told me I had to absolutely send her back to her parents. We did separate for a month but then decided that what we did was not right by God or the Scriptures.
When we got back together, we had both worked on our mental health and were in a far better place. We both still have some things to work through, but we are getting better and better and have also rebuilt a lot of trust. We have, however, had to keep the fact we are back together secret from my family.
My family has suspected that we are back together and they have told me to "not let her get too close" and that I "must sign the divorce papers". I'm not going to sign any divorce papers and we are only getting closer and healthier in our relationship.
They feel she is horrible for me. I think a lot of it is just adjustment on my part. I hadn't been in a long term relationship in 14 years when we had met (we're both in our 30s for reference) and her parents refuse to acknowledge both the cause of her anxiety and the fact they caused her significant trauma that she is still recovering from. My parents are also very controlling and now they want to control me again despite the fact I have attempted to distance myself.
I'm concerned I'm going to lose my family. The only one who is on my side is my older sister, who lives very far away and cut my mom off years ago. I don't really want to cut anyone off, but I don't want to dissolve the union that God has blessed me with, nor do I want to ever write my wife out of my life again like I was coerced into doing for a while. I've also distanced myself from the in laws, especially knowing now that they were the ones who tried to turn things against us.
As far as other support: all but one of my close friends are in support of our marriage. (The one who isn't just got divorced and thinks it's the only way to go for anyone). One of them is a victim of a divorce from a woman who walked out on him. I have two pastors at my church. The one who married us is sort of siding with my family, but the other one is one of the biggest supporters of our marriage. My wife doesn't really like my church so I'm getting pastoral counseling alone. (She won't go there because of the pastor who is taking my family's side and also because she has a doctrinal disagreement that she feels is significant enough; I'm OK with the disagreement now because it doesn't really impact any core beliefs that we share).
What should I do about this situation with my parents? When do I tell them that my wife is back in my life, back with me, and that we are stronger than ever and want to do what is right by God? I have some belongings that I store at my mom's house, should I go and get them now just in case? I'm not even worried about things like holidays at this juncture...I just want for my family to accept her as my wife and know that I will NOT be signing any divorce papers.