Parents and In-Laws Wanting to End Our Marriage

[oldscutlass]

My wife and I got married 6 months ago. We had a good experience dating up to that point, had a short engagement, and had a very small wedding (that we wish would have just been private). The wedding was a big stressor for both of us despite not even having a wedding party and it caused us to not be ourselves on our honeymoon. On top of that, we both have a history of anxiety and other mental health issues that we had to work through with a time of transition. Plus, a few months later, we were forced to move.

If you know anything about mental health stressors, you know that a lot of events like weddings (especially ones you don't want that your families basically demand you do) and moving can be pretty stressful. On top of that, I lost a lot of my savings for various reasons. My wife and I were bickering more and her mental health was getting a little worse.

Her parents have a "my way or the highway" approach to treating her mental health that, spoiler alert, doesn't work for her at all. They then went and turned my parents against her, saying she was "toxic for me" and that we needed to "divorce, the sooner the better". My wife could see some of this but suspected my mom of being the perpetrator. In reality, it was my mother in law who was the one who started it. My mom is very impressionable and believes just about anything about someone if that person is a parent, doctor, etc. My mom then went and turned my dad and uncle against her.

Keep in mind that both of my parents, my aunt and uncle, and my father in law have all been divorced as you read forward. Because my wife was suffering a bit in the mental health department and wanted to try a different way of treating it than what her parents thought she should, she got caught in a bit of tension and my mom told me I had to absolutely send her back to her parents. We did separate for a month but then decided that what we did was not right by God or the Scriptures.

When we got back together, we had both worked on our mental health and were in a far better place. We both still have some things to work through, but we are getting better and better and have also rebuilt a lot of trust. We have, however, had to keep the fact we are back together secret from my family.

My family has suspected that we are back together and they have told me to "not let her get too close" and that I "must sign the divorce papers". I'm not going to sign any divorce papers and we are only getting closer and healthier in our relationship.

They feel she is horrible for me. I think a lot of it is just adjustment on my part. I hadn't been in a long term relationship in 14 years when we had met (we're both in our 30s for reference) and her parents refuse to acknowledge both the cause of her anxiety and the fact they caused her significant trauma that she is still recovering from. My parents are also very controlling and now they want to control me again despite the fact I have attempted to distance myself.

I'm concerned I'm going to lose my family. The only one who is on my side is my older sister, who lives very far away and cut my mom off years ago. I don't really want to cut anyone off, but I don't want to dissolve the union that God has blessed me with, nor do I want to ever write my wife out of my life again like I was coerced into doing for a while. I've also distanced myself from the in laws, especially knowing now that they were the ones who tried to turn things against us.

As far as other support: all but one of my close friends are in support of our marriage. (The one who isn't just got divorced and thinks it's the only way to go for anyone). One of them is a victim of a divorce from a woman who walked out on him. I have two pastors at my church. The one who married us is sort of siding with my family, but the other one is one of the biggest supporters of our marriage. My wife doesn't really like my church so I'm getting pastoral counseling alone. (She won't go there because of the pastor who is taking my family's side and also because she has a doctrinal disagreement that she feels is significant enough; I'm OK with the disagreement now because it doesn't really impact any core beliefs that we share).

What should I do about this situation with my parents? When do I tell them that my wife is back in my life, back with me, and that we are stronger than ever and want to do what is right by God? I have some belongings that I store at my mom's house, should I go and get them now just in case? I'm not even worried about things like holidays at this juncture...I just want for my family to accept her as my wife and know that I will NOT be signing any divorce papers.

 

[Who Me]

You are married, so the two of you are a unit of one.

Retrieve all belongings from parental homes and together with your wife tell both sets of parents to back off and leave you both alone.

You need to prioritise your wife and your work, the larger family need to accept that you are a unit.
Find a church where you can both worship, seek medical help for your wife and work at being a partnership.

 

[oldscutlass]

You are married, so the two of you are a unit of one.

Retrieve all belongings from parental homes and together with your wife tell both sets of parents to back off and leave you both alone.

You need to prioritise your wife and your work, the larger family need to accept that you are a unit.
Find a church where you can both worship, seek medical help for your wife and work at being a partnership.

That's what I was thinking.
On the suggestions, we're looking at going to another church together this weekend and she's modifying her diet and supplements, so I think we're (hopefully) on a good path there!!

It stinks to lose the family, but I'm seeing now why my sister abandoned them. I'm also thinking of doing more with our friends, like having a Friendsgiving and then maybe going camping with my wife on actual Thanksgiving.

 

[JLB]

What should I do about this situation with my parents? When do I tell them that my wife is back in my life, back with me, and that we are stronger than ever and want to do what is right by God?

Amen.

Say it with respect but just like that.


They will respect you for that.

 

[NoahK]

My wife and I got married 6 months ago. We had a good experience dating up to that point, had a short engagement, and had a very small wedding (that we wish would have just been private). The wedding was a big stressor for both of us despite not even having a wedding party and it caused us to not be ourselves on our honeymoon. On top of that, we both have a history of anxiety and other mental health issues that we had to work through with a time of transition. Plus, a few months later, we were forced to move.

If you know anything about mental health stressors, you know that a lot of events like weddings (especially ones you don't want that your families basically demand you do) and moving can be pretty stressful. On top of that, I lost a lot of my savings for various reasons. My wife and I were bickering more and her mental health was getting a little worse.

Her parents have a "my way or the highway" approach to treating her mental health that, spoiler alert, doesn't work for her at all. They then went and turned my parents against her, saying she was "toxic for me" and that we needed to "divorce, the sooner the better". My wife could see some of this but suspected my mom of being the perpetrator. In reality, it was my mother in law who was the one who started it. My mom is very impressionable and believes just about anything about someone if that person is a parent, doctor, etc. My mom then went and turned my dad and uncle against her.

Keep in mind that both of my parents, my aunt and uncle, and my father in law have all been divorced as you read forward. Because my wife was suffering a bit in the mental health department and wanted to try a different way of treating it than what her parents thought she should, she got caught in a bit of tension and my mom told me I had to absolutely send her back to her parents. We did separate for a month but then decided that what we did was not right by God or the Scriptures.

When we got back together, we had both worked on our mental health and were in a far better place. We both still have some things to work through, but we are getting better and better and have also rebuilt a lot of trust. We have, however, had to keep the fact we are back together secret from my family.

My family has suspected that we are back together and they have told me to "not let her get too close" and that I "must sign the divorce papers". I'm not going to sign any divorce papers and we are only getting closer and healthier in our relationship.

They feel she is horrible for me. I think a lot of it is just adjustment on my part. I hadn't been in a long term relationship in 14 years when we had met (we're both in our 30s for reference) and her parents refuse to acknowledge both the cause of her anxiety and the fact they caused her significant trauma that she is still recovering from. My parents are also very controlling and now they want to control me again despite the fact I have attempted to distance myself.

I'm concerned I'm going to lose my family. The only one who is on my side is my older sister, who lives very far away and cut my mom off years ago. I don't really want to cut anyone off, but I don't want to dissolve the union that God has blessed me with, nor do I want to ever write my wife out of my life again like I was coerced into doing for a while. I've also distanced myself from the in laws, especially knowing now that they were the ones who tried to turn things against us.

As far as other support: all but one of my close friends are in support of our marriage. (The one who isn't just got divorced and thinks it's the only way to go for anyone). One of them is a victim of a divorce from a woman who walked out on him. I have two pastors at my church. The one who married us is sort of siding with my family, but the other one is one of the biggest supporters of our marriage. My wife doesn't really like my church so I'm getting pastoral counseling alone. (She won't go there because of the pastor who is taking my family's side and also because she has a doctrinal disagreement that she feels is significant enough; I'm OK with the disagreement now because it doesn't really impact any core beliefs that we share).

What should I do about this situation with my parents? When do I tell them that my wife is back in my life, back with me, and that we are stronger than ever and want to do what is right by God? I have some belongings that I store at my mom's house, should I go and get them now just in case? I'm not even worried about things like holidays at this juncture...I just want for my family to accept her as my wife and know that I will NOT be signing any divorce papers.

My dad was an abusive alcoholic. I told my mom quite a few times to leave him, but the way she grew up she couldn't do that. I explained to her multiple times that if she had divorced and raised me as a single parent we would both be better off. No more violence and abuse. My dad was also controlling so he was a bit surprised when he tried to hit me as an adult I explained to him that if he so much as touched me he'd be in prison.

Point is, both of you are adults so I would tell all the parents and in-laws to butt out. If they don't then please know that if you lose your family you will then be able to lead Your lives together. Not theirs. You'll be better without a family than have a family that constantly totally ruins any chance you have of living life as YOU choose, not how they try to choose for you. Bottom line: You lose a family and in return you and your wife gain a peaceful, meaningful life.

Your choice. God gave you free will. My advice, use it. You have to live your life, not your parents or in-laws life. The way I see it they had their chance. Now it's Your turn.

 

[Who Me]

That's what I was thinking.
On the suggestions, we're looking at going to another church together this weekend and she's modifying her diet and supplements, so I think we're (hopefully) on a good path there!!

It stinks to lose the family, but I'm seeing now why my sister abandoned them. I'm also thinking of doing more with our friends, like having a Friendsgiving and then maybe going camping with my wife on actual Thanksgiving.

May I suggest that you don't totally cut your family off, but strictly limit contact.
May be meeting at a neutral place, burger bar etc where you pay in advance for your food and can walk out if family don't behave!
Or weekly/biweekly phone calls.
If th3y learn to accept your marriage, family is always useful for support.

 

[oldscutlass]

Thank you to everyone for your replies.

I was able to starve off some of the problems with my mom this weekend. We basically tried to avoid talking about the marriage at all and I basically just nodded my head when she said how awful it would be for me to get back together.

I'm going to get a storage unit at some point in the next 48 hours. I did convince my mom that it would be wise to have a few more things with me and that it would look better without my things there for her to show the home with (she wants to sell it soon). I should be able to get everything of importance that is still there out in the next few days. There is nothing of importance at my dad's house.

The news about us getting back together will have to wait as long as possible. I might time it so that it comes after a major business trip next month and will also be consulting with my pastor as to how to talk about it.

Regarding the in-laws: my wife and I talked about it. She still wants to visit them but we have agreed that I will be keeping my distance.

 

[oldscutlass]

Some updates here.

I was able to confirm that both of our parents have been sabotaging our lives. I found out my mom emailed my pastor to basically force us to have a church wedding with families present. Neither of us really wanted this and would have been content to go to the courthouse. I actually researched weddings and the Bible to find that church weddings weren't a requirement despite what my mom said. She even tried to get my pastor to change his tune on this.

My M-I-L was even worse. She has tried to make ultimatums that I either do things her way or divorce. She even asked me about the papers.

We are going to throw the divorce papers out this week--literally going to the courthouse and dismissing the complaint.

I am in the process of moving most of the stuff out of my mom's house. I have about a third of it. My wife has only a few items left at her family's place and will probably get them this weekend. I plan on moving things out next Thursday, as I would have had grab things over there anyhow that I will be using at a trade show. I am securing a storage unit and can use a car for now should it not be ready quickly enough. (I have two cars so one can just be used as a storage vehicle temporarily).

Next question: does anyone feel it would be wise to move far away? I have connections in another city, where I had previously lived and worked. I also have many clients there whom I see remotely and could turn my local clients into remote clients. My wife's connections are very few and given her job it could transfer anywhere (retail and crafts). I know the town well, have friends there, and even have a longtime college friend who would let us crash at his place until we found somewhere. (I'd do the same for him). We feel this is a viable option for us but can't move until next year when the lease is up.

 

[NoahK]

Some updates here.

I was able to confirm that both of our parents have been sabotaging our lives. I found out my mom emailed my pastor to basically force us to have a church wedding with families present. Neither of us really wanted this and would have been content to go to the courthouse. I actually researched weddings and the Bible to find that church weddings weren't a requirement despite what my mom said. She even tried to get my pastor to change his tune on this.

My M-I-L was even worse. She has tried to make ultimatums that I either do things her way or divorce. She even asked me about the papers.

We are going to throw the divorce papers out this week--literally going to the courthouse and dismissing the complaint.

I am in the process of moving most of the stuff out of my mom's house. I have about a third of it. My wife has only a few items left at her family's place and will probably get them this weekend. I plan on moving things out next Thursday, as I would have had grab things over there anyhow that I will be using at a trade show. I am securing a storage unit and can use a car for now should it not be ready quickly enough. (I have two cars so one can just be used as a storage vehicle temporarily).

Next question: does anyone feel it would be wise to move far away? I have connections in another city, where I had previously lived and worked. I also have many clients there whom I see remotely and could turn my local clients into remote clients. My wife's connections are very few and given her job it could transfer anywhere (retail and crafts). I know the town well, have friends there, and even have a longtime college friend who would let us crash at his place until we found somewhere. (I'd do the same for him). We feel this is a viable option for us but can't move until next year when the lease is up.

As far as how far to move I believe it would be wise for you and your wife to decide what's best for both of you. Where you have connections is less important than the both of you being on the same page as to location.

 

[Knotical]

Some updates here.

I was able to confirm that both of our parents have been sabotaging our lives. I found out my mom emailed my pastor to basically force us to have a church wedding with families present. Neither of us really wanted this and would have been content to go to the courthouse. I actually researched weddings and the Bible to find that church weddings weren't a requirement despite what my mom said. She even tried to get my pastor to change his tune on this.

My M-I-L was even worse. She has tried to make ultimatums that I either do things her way or divorce. She even asked me about the papers.

We are going to throw the divorce papers out this week--literally going to the courthouse and dismissing the complaint.

I am in the process of moving most of the stuff out of my mom's house. I have about a third of it. My wife has only a few items left at her family's place and will probably get them this weekend. I plan on moving things out next Thursday, as I would have had grab things over there anyhow that I will be using at a trade show. I am securing a storage unit and can use a car for now should it not be ready quickly enough. (I have two cars so one can just be used as a storage vehicle temporarily).

Next question: does anyone feel it would be wise to move far away? I have connections in another city, where I had previously lived and worked. I also have many clients there whom I see remotely and could turn my local clients into remote clients. My wife's connections are very few and given her job it could transfer anywhere (retail and crafts). I know the town well, have friends there, and even have a longtime college friend who would let us crash at his place until we found somewhere. (I'd do the same for him). We feel this is a viable option for us but can't move until next year when the lease is up.

Something else to consider when moving to another area is what churches are in the area. That should be your primary concern, everything else is gravy as God will sustain you wherever you are.

 

[oldscutlass]

As far as how far to move I believe it would be wise for you and your wife to decide what's best for both of you. Where you have connections is less important than the both of you being on the same page as to location.

She is 100% OK with moving to this other city. Her jobs, as mentioned, are transferrable between locations. She has no real loyalty to our hometown and liked what she saw of the town when we visited earlier this year.

It's 8 hours away from where we live now and is halfway to one of our favorite vacation spots. Our other spot would be 8 hours away as well.

Something else to consider when moving to another area is what churches are in the area. That should be your primary concern, everything else is gravy as God will sustain you wherever you are.

I had a church down there, but didn't feel it was all that supportive and likely would have looked for another one had I stayed longer. I could always ask my friends about where they go.

 

[oldscutlass]

My mom found out we are back together last night. She flipped out on me and also was very rude when we had her on call with my pastor today when I met with him.

My pastor and another elder in our church were both present. They agreed that I am doing the right thing. My mom reiterated that she feels she cannot support my relationship despite what the pastor told her about doing the right thing and saying that we are working on previous obstacles.

My dad texted me later and said that he is very disappointed in me and that I need to get rid of my wife.

The pastor and I will be removing the last of my personal items from the house on Tuesday.

 

[NoahK]

My mom found out we are back together last night. She flipped out on me and also was very rude when we had her on call with my pastor today when I met with him.

My pastor and another elder in our church were both present. They agreed that I am doing the right thing. My mom reiterated that she feels she cannot support my relationship despite what the pastor told her about doing the right thing and saying that we are working on previous obstacles.

My dad texted me later and said that he is very disappointed in me and that I need to get rid of my wife.

The pastor and I will be removing the last of my personal items from the house on Tuesday.

Sounds to me like your parents want you dependent for the rest of your life. Moving out seems to be best plan moving forward. Stick to your guns and stand your ground. They've had their life, now it's your turn imo. You will find that the decision to move out was not just the right thing to do, it is the only thing for you to do imo

 

[oldscutlass]

NoahK, I'd agree on that. I also have concluded that they are narcissists, especially my mom.

I got most of the stuff out of there. I'm getting the last bit tomorrow when nobody is home; I do still have a garage door opener. The last I talked to my mom, she told me to not even talk to my pastor and to talk to her and my dad. She also got upset that I put the health concern of my students front and center and didn't ask right away about her dental appointment. (Meanwhile I had a student who had surgery and had to reach out).

Meanwhile, my wife and I are only growing closer. We have ups and downs like any other couple, of course, but we are in far better shape now than we have been.

 

[NoahK]

NoahK, I'd agree on that. I also have concluded that they are narcissists, especially my mom.

I got most of the stuff out of there. I'm getting the last bit tomorrow when nobody is home; I do still have a garage door opener. The last I talked to my mom, she told me to not even talk to my pastor and to talk to her and my dad. She also got upset that I put the health concern of my students front and center and didn't ask right away about her dental appointment. (Meanwhile I had a student who had surgery and had to reach out).

Meanwhile, my wife and I are only growing closer. We have ups and downs like any other couple, of course, but we are in far better shape now than we have been.

Thanks for the update. Sounds like you're on track to live your life as God intended (finally).