handy
Member
Hey, I'm going to vent here a bit, so this will be long. I really beg that some of my good friend here will take the patience to read this whole mess through, so those who would please pray for us, can pray for us with some understanding. Thanks.
Many of you already know that our children were adopted from foster care. Both have special issues due to this. Because of this, we go as a family to a truly wonderful therapist, who helps us work through some of the more serious issues we face.
Two of the most serious issues is that our daughter has are what is known as attachment disorder and post traumatic stress disorder. These two disorders were brought on by the fact that at age 2 1/2 our daughter, her 1 1/2 old brother and 6 month old sister were taken from the birth home by uniformed police. The three children were then place in three separate foster homes, so not only did our daughter 'lose' her parents, she 'lost' her brother and sister as well. Because of the fear and trauma she went through, she 'acted out' making her 'terrible twos' even more terrible than most. The result was that the year following her being taken from her birth home, she was placed into three different foster homes. This loss of her family, combined with the continous changes in caregivers, caused our daughter to become very unstable when it came to bonding. By the time she came to live with us, at age 3 1/2, she was totally out of control as far as her behavior was concerned and had an inablility to bond to Steve and I as her 'real' parents.
Through a lot of prayer, love, prayer, patience, prayer, discipline, prayer, understanding, prayer, therapy and, oh did I mention prayer? she is now, at 10 a fairly well adjusted, loving child who is blossoming into young woman-hood. Her behavior, while it still spins out of control upon occaision has settled down considerably and really, she's just an all and all great kid to be around. So much so that I am now very, very thankful that I was unable to have kids and we turned to adoption instead, because I cannot even fathom not having either her or our son as my kids.
We went to therapy tonight, because even though the kids are great kids, there are still some very serious issues to work through. We were discussing a behavior issue we have with our daughter regarding the young dogs we have that are 'cow-dog-in-training'. Addressing the behavior issue, I asked her if she wanted the pups to be trained as cow dogs, and was totally surprised when she said no! When I asked her why she didn't want the dogs to be trained, what came out was this: She is really helpful when the cows need to be moved from one pasture to another, or when they get out and we need to go get them. Our daughter truly believes that if we train the dogs, then we won't need her any more, and if we don't need her, we might 'get rid' of her.
This after living with us and us loving her for 6 1/2 years now.
:
As if that weren't bad enough, there was yet another really serious issue brought up tonight. Later, when we were tucking her into bed, Steve and I sat down with her to talk with her about the fact that we will never, ever 'get rid' of her, and that we will always 'need' her. Not as a 'mom' (long story about that), or as a two-legged cow dog, but as a most important daughter and big sister and member of this family. Bringing up how important 'big sister' is brought up the brother who was adopted to the family he was placed with when they were taken from the birth home. We keep in contact with this brother, and they talk on the phone quite regularly. While we were talking about being a 'big sister' she said that her birth brother often asks her advice that she can't answer, because it's about the birth family. It seems that apparently her birth brother's adoptive family has a very 'open' relationship with the birth family, and he has gone to birthday parties, met the birth grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. This kind of 'openess' with a "family" who wasn't there for them when they were living with an abusive and druggie father, a mentally retarded mother, and at times a buddy of the dad's who was a registered sex offender. This "family" wasn't around when the children were living in such filth and garbage that there were vermin in the house and our daughter ingested rat poison, that has given her stomach problems to this day. This "family" wasn't there to take in the kids when the police finally had to remove them from the home, so that all three kids were placed in different homes. (BTW, we fought and fought to adopt all three, but we weren't able to do so, but that's a different story.)
It is in no way to our daughter's best interest to allow her to have the kind of contact with the birth family as her brother does. As it is, it has been an uphill battle just to form any kind of normal parent/child bond with her. If we start bringing the birth family back into her life, there will arise a split in her affections that could be incredibly determental. I speak from experience, because my sister adopted a daughter from the foster care system, and they were forced maintain contact with the birth family. By the time my niece reached 18, she had severe mental issues, left my sister and her husband to live with her 'real' family, stayed with them for about 3 weeks then hit the streets, wound up married to a 40 year old guy, had a baby and is now divorced and without custody (thank God) of the baby.
I know that perfect love casts out fear, but I am afraid folks. I'm very afraid. I'm afraid of what will happen if my daughter cannot resolve these issues and become bonded to us as a family. I'm afraid that Steve and I won't have the wisdom to do what the right thing is regarding her brother's and her visiting with each other, whatever that might be.
I'm afraid of losing my daughter the way my sister lost her's.:
Tomorrow, I'm going to talk with my daughter's, brother's mother, and discuss with her our concerns of our daughter's vicarious contact with the birth family through her brother. Her brother's parents are Christians and I know that if we pray over this, God can give us the wisdom we need to raise both of these kids that He gave us to raise. So, I ask for your prayers for all of us, especially for me as I talk things over with the mom tomorrow.
Many of you already know that our children were adopted from foster care. Both have special issues due to this. Because of this, we go as a family to a truly wonderful therapist, who helps us work through some of the more serious issues we face.
Two of the most serious issues is that our daughter has are what is known as attachment disorder and post traumatic stress disorder. These two disorders were brought on by the fact that at age 2 1/2 our daughter, her 1 1/2 old brother and 6 month old sister were taken from the birth home by uniformed police. The three children were then place in three separate foster homes, so not only did our daughter 'lose' her parents, she 'lost' her brother and sister as well. Because of the fear and trauma she went through, she 'acted out' making her 'terrible twos' even more terrible than most. The result was that the year following her being taken from her birth home, she was placed into three different foster homes. This loss of her family, combined with the continous changes in caregivers, caused our daughter to become very unstable when it came to bonding. By the time she came to live with us, at age 3 1/2, she was totally out of control as far as her behavior was concerned and had an inablility to bond to Steve and I as her 'real' parents.
Through a lot of prayer, love, prayer, patience, prayer, discipline, prayer, understanding, prayer, therapy and, oh did I mention prayer? she is now, at 10 a fairly well adjusted, loving child who is blossoming into young woman-hood. Her behavior, while it still spins out of control upon occaision has settled down considerably and really, she's just an all and all great kid to be around. So much so that I am now very, very thankful that I was unable to have kids and we turned to adoption instead, because I cannot even fathom not having either her or our son as my kids.
We went to therapy tonight, because even though the kids are great kids, there are still some very serious issues to work through. We were discussing a behavior issue we have with our daughter regarding the young dogs we have that are 'cow-dog-in-training'. Addressing the behavior issue, I asked her if she wanted the pups to be trained as cow dogs, and was totally surprised when she said no! When I asked her why she didn't want the dogs to be trained, what came out was this: She is really helpful when the cows need to be moved from one pasture to another, or when they get out and we need to go get them. Our daughter truly believes that if we train the dogs, then we won't need her any more, and if we don't need her, we might 'get rid' of her.
This after living with us and us loving her for 6 1/2 years now.
: As if that weren't bad enough, there was yet another really serious issue brought up tonight. Later, when we were tucking her into bed, Steve and I sat down with her to talk with her about the fact that we will never, ever 'get rid' of her, and that we will always 'need' her. Not as a 'mom' (long story about that), or as a two-legged cow dog, but as a most important daughter and big sister and member of this family. Bringing up how important 'big sister' is brought up the brother who was adopted to the family he was placed with when they were taken from the birth home. We keep in contact with this brother, and they talk on the phone quite regularly. While we were talking about being a 'big sister' she said that her birth brother often asks her advice that she can't answer, because it's about the birth family. It seems that apparently her birth brother's adoptive family has a very 'open' relationship with the birth family, and he has gone to birthday parties, met the birth grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. This kind of 'openess' with a "family" who wasn't there for them when they were living with an abusive and druggie father, a mentally retarded mother, and at times a buddy of the dad's who was a registered sex offender. This "family" wasn't around when the children were living in such filth and garbage that there were vermin in the house and our daughter ingested rat poison, that has given her stomach problems to this day. This "family" wasn't there to take in the kids when the police finally had to remove them from the home, so that all three kids were placed in different homes. (BTW, we fought and fought to adopt all three, but we weren't able to do so, but that's a different story.)
It is in no way to our daughter's best interest to allow her to have the kind of contact with the birth family as her brother does. As it is, it has been an uphill battle just to form any kind of normal parent/child bond with her. If we start bringing the birth family back into her life, there will arise a split in her affections that could be incredibly determental. I speak from experience, because my sister adopted a daughter from the foster care system, and they were forced maintain contact with the birth family. By the time my niece reached 18, she had severe mental issues, left my sister and her husband to live with her 'real' family, stayed with them for about 3 weeks then hit the streets, wound up married to a 40 year old guy, had a baby and is now divorced and without custody (thank God) of the baby.
I know that perfect love casts out fear, but I am afraid folks. I'm very afraid. I'm afraid of what will happen if my daughter cannot resolve these issues and become bonded to us as a family. I'm afraid that Steve and I won't have the wisdom to do what the right thing is regarding her brother's and her visiting with each other, whatever that might be.
I'm afraid of losing my daughter the way my sister lost her's.
: Tomorrow, I'm going to talk with my daughter's, brother's mother, and discuss with her our concerns of our daughter's vicarious contact with the birth family through her brother. Her brother's parents are Christians and I know that if we pray over this, God can give us the wisdom we need to raise both of these kids that He gave us to raise. So, I ask for your prayers for all of us, especially for me as I talk things over with the mom tomorrow.
