Pregnant and worried husband was unfaithful

[madison2010]

Hello, I specifically sought out a Christian forum to ask this question in because I literally don’t know what else to do. Aside from constant prayer for wisdom. I’m so broken and confused.

Short background, my husband and I have been married for 12 years and have three children — another on the way.

For the most part, my marriage has been solid. However, about three years into it I found some not so innocent FB messages that my husband had exchanged with a woman he had randomly met through a friend of ours. It never went any further than talking and flirtation, and he spent the weeks following apologizing over and over and swearing it was a mistake that would never happen again. I know that’s always the story, but having a solid marriage without trust is impossible, so we worked through it (on our own, no counseling or anything) and moved on.

Flash forward to a few months ago…we had zero other problems or concerns up until this point…a woman that he used to work with that I’ve never met in my life messages me out of the blue on Instagram and asks if I would please tell my husband to stop requesting to follow her because she’s not going to approve it. She also throws in that, “he’s probably still being unfaithful so good luck with that.” Her exact words. So this, of course, raises another red flag and I questioned my husband about it. He denied it and said that this woman was fired from their job years ago (which is true, I confirmed) and is probably still bitter about the way it happened…she’s just trying to cause trouble. Okay, fine. We worked through it.

Now to today’s concerns and why I’m here. I had a prenatal appointment with my OB today where I got back results from a Pap smear that I had done at my last appointment — I tested positive for HPV. I have never in my life been sexually active with anyone other than my husband. We were both virgins when we got married. Or he claims that he was…even typing that is so hard because I want so badly to be able to trust him, but now I’m doubting every aspect of our marriage. He swears there’s never been infidelity but I can’t shake it — this feels like the ultimate proof that he’s lying. But even being “caught”, he refuses to admit it. I almost feel more frustrated with him for that, because I want a reason WHY I ended up with a sexually transmitted disease when I’ve never done one thing to bring it on myself.

I’ve been researching like crazy all evening and there are very (very) rare cases of HPV being transmitted in other ways. I’m trying not to be THAT naive and not believe that could be a possibility, but to have my husband look me dead in the eye as I’m broken and crying and tell me that he, “has never and would never even think about cheating on you”…I WANT to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it just feels like we’re at the end of the line here. How much more proof would someone need? How many red flags? I feel stupid and defeated.

I don’t really know what I’m after here. Maybe mostly to just vent and ask for prayer? Maybe wisdom from someone that has walked through something similar?

I don’t know where to go from here.

 

[daninthelionsden]

Christian marriage counseling is in order. There are underlying reasons your husband is doing this. Get to the bottom of it. I was abused in every way imaginable as a child. Never told my wife. Tried suppressing it for decades led to a series of affairs. When I finally was forced to face my demons, including heavy drinking, with my life unraveling, I broke down and my wife baptized me in our swimming pool. God helped me face all my suppressed memories one by one as I could process them. We are still married, but I wound up on disability from anxiety. Hopefully I will be getting off disability and resume a productive life. You have difficult decisions to make. I recommend trying to save your marriage. You have biblical grounds for divorce if you so choose. A Christian marriage counselor will reveal much, especially if he refuses. He will have to come clean and confess in counseling. May I pray for you both?

 

[Luminous_Rose]

I'm sorry to hear that you're going such a rough time right now - especially with a child on the way and with such a diagnosis while carrying a baby. That's simply awful

It's clear that if you've been with him and only him then you shouldn't have an STD of any kind.

I suppose it's possible to get HPV, like you said, other ways rarely such as through blood transfusion, touching the bodily fluids from an infected individual (you would be more at risk if you have any medical careers caring for such patients), some strains of HPV can be spread from skin-to-skin contact or shared sufaces/showers/swimming pools/gym equipment, etc. even if the person doesn't have obvious signs of a flare up such as warts.

At this point, I would demand that he get tested, too - in order to prove his innocence. If he won't do it, he's probably guilty. If he agrees to it, but won't share the results, he's probably guilty. With HPV being so common, there are many ways to get tested for it these days - often times clinical labs have these tests available for purchase without a doctors order. This might give you a clearer answer as to what could be going on, but your suspicion could be spot on, too, especially with all these other social media messages and such that keep going on.

You could also ask for a retest as well to be sure, or to go to a different clinic to get a retest, but it very well may be an out of pocket expense, but it would confirm that there wasn't a false positive result.

From here, you might need a trusted, Christian counselor to help you both through this. Although, he can also make his own choice like not to show up or not to cooperate. It could be worth a try to go.

As it has been said, cheating is generally considered Biblical grounds for divorce. I have seen many Christian couples sadly, get blindsided by a cheating spouse and because they deny everything despite getting caught or eventually leave and don't want to come back or are causing chaos within the family unit that some choose divorce or rather end up on the opposite end of being divorced without a choice.

I will be praying for you and your situation and that is greatly improves.

Hang in there, God is with you.

 

[stovebolts]

That’s a tough one…. HPV can lay dormant for decades and when it comes back up it can cause cancer. You need to take care of your medical needs first, so Go get the HPV vaccine immediately. I’ve read that a mother with HPV can transfer it to their unborn child. Especially if your child is a girl, get your child the vaccine. Girls are more at risk than boys because HPV thrives in a woman and unless a man is showing signs (genital warts), there is no test for a male for HPV.

When you say HPV, I’m assuming you have genital warts. That would be a tough one to deal with in my opinion and being a virgin, I can’t imagine the horror you are feeling. One, because your showing physical signs. Have you been really sick recently? HPV will “come back” when your immune system is weakened. What I’m getting at is this. If your Mother had HPV when she was carrying you, it could have lasted dormant until your immune system naturally weakened. If your Mother or Father is still alive, you need to have a very open conversation with them, and let them know your marriage is at stake. You need honesty from them. If they say they’ve never had it, then you need to sit down with your husbands mother and have the same open, honest conversation.

If your able to sort that out, then you should have an idea if your husband has been cheating, or if you or your husband has been carrying since birth. Remember, if a male shows no physical sign, there is no test to see if he is carrying. I can’t think of any other way to get to the bottom of this because the woman will usually show physical signs. This is why you need to talk to your mother and his mother.

Whatever has happened in the past cannot be undone, so keep a healthy focus on the future. That includes getting you and your children the HPV vaccine. You don’t want this turning into cancer, and you don’t want your kids getting cancer over the mistakes of others if you’ve passed it on to them, especially your unborn.

As far as your marriage, I know your going through some soul searching and it’s probably tearing you apart inside. God is with you, and will give you comfort that you won’t be able to get from your husband.

Peace be with you.

 

[Anaphora]

I'm sorry this happened to you. Its your decision if you decide to divorce him. Jesus tells us in gospel of Mark 9:43. And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into fire that never shall be quenched. 9:47. And if thy eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire. Jesus is speaking spirtualty. Who ever or what ever is causing you to sin, cut the person out of your life. You don't want toxic people around you. Some people live a habitual lifestyle of sin. I moved away from a narcissist years ago. I went through psychological and emotional abuse. I have peace of mind. I'm offering sound, honest advice. If you divorce him. You may qualify for social services, and disability. If you have doctor or nurse, they can help get you disability. No one has to put with nonsense. I hope you find peace of mind.