Purity, dating, help.

[cassie]

I'm a 19 year old girl, in my first real relationship, have been for a year and a half, it's going well. He's a great guy and is a very godly man.

But here's the problem: he is great at self-control and I am not. I am very indulgent. When I see something I want I go out and get it. Chocolate, ice cream, etc. The same goes for sex. I have a massive sex drive. Huge.

I can't control my desires and I seduce him, and he tries to resist temptation but he's just a man after all, he can't help it, and we're very close to each other emotionally, and financially. We are very well knit in most respects and loved by each others' families. So it feels like we're married. We do most things together and most people jokingly call us the "Smiths" like we're married.

So I can't help but feel like he's my husband and then the desire for him just takes over and I know this will flesh itself out in an appropriate way once we're married but right now it just makes him feel ashamed when he loses control.

I've stopped feeling guilty but I do feel really cut off from everyone because my heart has been sort of hardened and I can't stop myself from seeking out sexual sin, and since we've been sort of separated recently, I turned to reading erotica to fulfill that need and it has made things worse.

I know I'm doing all the wrong things but I feel trapped by my desires and unable and unwilling to give up this sin. But deep down I want to honor both this man and God, so I keep praying for the strength, but I always feel overpowered.

I even have started planning ways to get around his "safety nets" and "timed kisses" that he put in place to keep us from falling into sin.

I told my roommate when I first started having these problems and she was very mean and insensitive about it and it made me not want to confess to anyone else. Now it feels like this huge secret and I tried talking to my mom about it but she always clams up and changes the subject. I tried telling my sister but she just kind of seemed disappointed in me.

I don't want to talk to anyone in my church because most of the women already are unsupportive of our relationship.

Feeling like I'm being crushed by the passions of my flesh. My boyfriend knows we have to get married soon. We both know it's only a matter of time.

The real problem is I view sex as being better than anything my faith can offer.

Please, please, please, anyone, I really want Jesus, and I really want to stay pure.

 

[handy]

There's a simple solution... the two of you should just get married... Sheesh, I don't understand why our society has made marriage to be this big huge ISSUE... but sexual sin... meh...

Gosh that is such backwards thinking. It brings to mind the scripture which says, "Good will be evil and evil good..."

However, marriage won't resolve the issue of your admitted lack of self control.

Self control is a fruit of the Spirit. You've been quenching the Spirit in this because you want what you want and deep down inside, you don't care who you hurt, Jesus, the Spirit or your boyfriend to get what you want....

Ultimately, you have to decide who is more important in your life.... YOU, which it seems is now the case, or Jesus, who was nailed on a cross to purchase your forgiveness for your selfish impulses...

Once you get sorted out as to who is most important... Jesus or you, then you should respond to your boyfriend accordingly. If he's a Christian, seeking after godly relationships... then don't be with him unless you decide that Christ is the most important Person here. If however, you can humble yourself and bring your sinful desires under the control of the Spirit... then you and your boyfriend could probably have a solid marriage in which sexual sin isn't an issue.

Don't feel overly bad though... all of us struggle with areas of sin in which we try to quench the Spirit's conviction. Even the apostle Paul cried out, "Wretched man that I am..."

But do work on this... you are not trapped in something beyond what can be changed. However, if you truly decide you don't want to change it... for goodness sake's, stop jerking your boyfriend around and destroying his walk with God.

 

[handy]

BTW... why are the women of your church unsupportive of the relationship?


Again, this isn't something to beat yourself up about... All of us (including those women at your church and your roommate) fail in sin somewhere along the line. Just don't buy into the idea that you cannot control it, as if it were a physical addiction like being addicted to phenobaritol or something... you can, you just have to work at it...

Frankly, unless there is an overwhelming compelling reason why the two of you shouldn't get married, you should just do so. You'll still have to work on self control issues, but it's much better to marry than to burn.

 

[evesforeva]

If your sex life conflicts with your spiritual life, your sex life loses. Sex becomes unsexy. Guilt and shame enter where pleasure and passion should be. One thing you can do to reconcile the two is rethink how you view sex.

My last post was deleted because I recommended something too risque as an alternative to the traditional way of thinking about sex and sexuality, so I will try again with something I think will be less controversial. I have a number of friends who are very into to cosplaying. Some of them have revealed to me that dressing up in that way (rather getting naked) can be a very sexual experience for them. Its sexy because they think it's sexy.

Which is not to say that cosplaying will solve all your problems. You should find something that you think is sexy, but does not violate your sense of right and wrong. Broaden your thinking about ways you can channel your sexual energy.

 

[Jesusfreak97]

Girl...get married...if you're old enough do it. I'm so sorry you weren't supported by your friends *internet hug* I know where you're coming from where it feels like it's better than anything faith has to offer but you still want Jesus. I'm so sorry that is happening to you. You aren't alone in this, God has said he loves us countless times in the Bible in so many differnt ways. He's with you. Something that helps me, is that the Bible doesn't lie when it comes to God's love because some people say it's part crap and part true but I'm like noooooo it's one or the other and since it can't be crap it must be true. And the Bible says that you are forgiven and God loves you more than anything! He is so worth it and He gives you worth too! Talk to this guy, tell him everything you typed on here and then, go get married. Don't even plan anything big. Go to a good pastor and be like "umm...emergency wedding please?" you can have a party later but get married. God doesn't want you unhappy like this and he always provides a way out...well marriage is a wonderful thing. If you need anything PM me, however I am not a marriage expert but whatever. God is not done with you.

 

[Blazin Bones]

Handy had some great words, and as much as I do not want you to ignore anyone, I do not think evesforeva's advice helps a person who is honestly seeking God. To me it's offering another smokescreen instead of getting to the heart of the issue, like handy said, and finding out where your heart really is.

Let me get this out there, you are absolutely in sexual sin. There are no doubt plenty of causes that have brought you to this point, some personal and other cultural, but in the end you are choosing to sin. Handy is right on that you are not permitting the Spirit to fill your life, as it's fruit is self control.

I'm going to offer a few points to remind you that if you do love this boyfriend, you need to reconsider how you are treating him.

(1 Corinthians 13:5) Love is not self seeking: What you are doing with regards to this problem is seeking your own enjoyment and fulfillment, rather than a place where you both are free from guilt. Yes, it takes two to tango, but as you've said, it is your prompting that starts the problem. Start loving your boy friend and seek his desires instead of yours

(1 Corinthians 13:6) Love does not delight in evil: Being a source of stumbling for your boyfriend is one of the more wicked things a person can do. Even if you do not value your relationship with God, he does, and you are damaging it.

Can you honestly say that if things were turned around, that you do want him to seek your desires and keep you from sin? The go back to the golden rule, treat him as you want to be treated.

Finally, let me tell you that you truly are not alone with this struggle, and there should be no reason for those around you not to realize that with Christ, this is a struggle that love and care will overcome and not chastisement and condescension.

When Jesus was brought the woman caught in adultery, he simply told her to "Sin no more." That is my encouragement for you, that you would personally choose to sin no more. Jesus paid for the consequences, and he bore our shame at Calvary, so now we simply must choose to life the new lives we've been given.

I am not in a place to personally mentor you as I am a gentleman, and it would be too difficult to place proper boundaries online, but I know Handy and some other women here would love to listen to you and help encourage you through this struggle.