Question About My Relationship with GF and Alcohol (College Age)

[bertstareddd]

Hey everyone,
So I'm 20 and my girlfriend is 21. We are both Christians. We have been dating for 1.5 years, so we're very close at this point. I had never had a beer before college and I have still never been drunk. Sometimes I'll have one or two beers, but I always stop myself at that. In high school, my girlfriend went out and partied a lot and got drunk regularly. When we began dating, she knew my stance on it and said that those days were behind her. We got in MANY arguments because she would go out to parties with a few friends and get "tipsy" or whatever and claimed she didnt think it was a sin. Long story short, eventually she said she didnt really drink very much but 6 months later I found out she had been sneaking behind my back and getting pretty tipsy and occasionally very drunk. We almost broke up because of this and she ended up quitting her sorority and we spent a few months re-evaluating our christian walks.

Nopw were working through it and its still very hard for me to see her around alcohol. I do not trust her when shes out because i think that she is getting drunk or tipsy (which i believe is probably a sin too and not something i want in my wife) when maybe she is not. The other night she had 3 margaritas and said she was only slightly buzzed but i agonized over it for a while because that seemed like a lot to me. She will often have 4 beers but I can never tell it affecting her behavior.

Please give me some advice or some guidance! I dont know how to approach this situation. I hate it and feel like im the only one in this situation. I'm not sure if god is trying to show me that she has wrong priorities and is not marriage material or if hes trying to show me that im legalistic and judgmental.

do you think that my gf is being out of line having the amount she has at bars and such? I'm just really scared and confused. Please pray for us and our trust to return if its His will.

P.S. I feel like her motive is wrong. I feel like shes doing it to fit in with the world. Also obviously because she enjoys feeling buzzed/tipsy or whatever 3 margaritas or 4 beers etc. will get a young girl. But maybe she has pure motives. Its hard cause I cant see her motives or how she feels, just can see how she acts (and thats easy to cover up).

 

[Danus]

Hi Roadblkx.

Your not the only one with this issue. It's come up a lot. You're quite a bit younger than me, but I can relate to your issue.

The fact that you bring it up and voice your concern shows that it is a problem. You don't trust her, and you don't fit with her behavior, but she probably talks you down, or out of your feelings by minimizing it. If that's the case then it's a problem. Otherwise she would show you more respect in this regard.

People don't change unless they want to. They do what they do because they want to do it. When doing what we want takes precedence over God or others we say we love, we should question our Love.

No one is perfect. I know you know that. You will need to decide if this behavior is something you can Love her through. If it is an issue now, it will be an issue later.

 

[duari91]

Hi Roadblkx.

Your not the only one with this issue. It's come up a lot. You're quite a bit younger than me, but I can relate to your issue.

The fact that you bring it up and voice your concern shows that it is a problem. You don't trust her, and you don't fit with her behavior, but she probably talks you down, or out of your feelings by minimizing it. If that's the case then it's a problem. Otherwise she would show you more respect in this regard.

People don't change unless they want to. They do what they do because they want to do it. When doing what we want takes precedence over God or others we say we love, we should question our Love.

No one is perfect. I know you know that. You will need to decide if this behavior is something you can Love her through. If it is an issue now, it will be an issue later.

Danus is correct in this matter.

I just wanted to elaborate a little bit on the dynamics of a human bond (marriage). What you see now, is what you get later, after marriage. If you are having constant issues, then those issues will exist after the fact. Marriage won't solve any issues. In fact, a lot of issues are ENHANCED after marriage. After all, you will be spending more time with each other, seeing as you will be living together.

A christian man is supposed to be a GOOD example to everyone around them. This is what Christ wanted for his followers. To be "Christ-like." That included not going around, getting drunk, partying, and literally laying waste to our lives. I believe you are justified in being concerned about this. Let's be honest, you seem like someone who is trying to be Christ-like. You probably won't ever mix with someone who is doing these sorts of things. That's why you want to find a nice woman who tries her best to be just as Christ-like as yourself.

Not saying you should dump her, because people CAN change. Just don't expect her to, because you probably will end up in an unhappy marriage later on in life. If you love this person, take the proper steps to fix this issue with her. If she refuses, then maybe you should rethink the relationship, and look for someone that shares your same values.

Good luck to you.

 

[bertstareddd]

Thanks for the replies! I really appreciate the thought. We got into another argument about it yesterday. Decided to come to a compromise. I won't get upset if she has a few beers, gets buzzed even slightly tipsy. On the other hand, she will not always drink when at parties and will not often have as many as she would have otherwise in order to make me feel better.

Really, this revolves around whether or not this girl's behavior is that of a devout Christian. She says she does not feel like getting tipsy is wrong at all and does not believe that the bible supports that. She says she does not feel convicted that its wrong and feels like the Bible mentions that being drunk and drunkenness is a sin but only because it can "make a mocker" and can get out of control. She believes if you dont get sloppy and can still control your decisions, its not a sin. To be honest, she makes good points and maybe she is right who knows? But it freaks me out when I see her have that much because I have a stigma about it. Do you think that this is the type of thing that could ruin a marriage/would be worth breaking up over?

Do you think this is a sign her heart is not in right place or does she make good points? I feel like we should be able to get past this...... (i hope).

 

[Grazer]

Hi

I think you're asking 2 questions; is drinking alcohol a sin and should you break up with her if you think she's drinking too much.

First bit first. No, drinking alcohol is not a sin. Getting drunk is and there is a difference. I enjoy a pint of cider at darts matches but I don't go beyond what I can handle. I'm in control. Plus Jesus turned water into wine. I've blogged further on alcohol and other aspects of what constitutes too much. Hope you find them useful.

http://evidence2hope.webs.com/apps/blog/show/14095040-partaking-of-alcohol

http://evidence2hope.webs.com/apps/blog/show/14095054-enjoyment-within-a-moral-framework

As for the second question, that's between you and God but my advice would be give it serious thought and prayer before ending it, especially if you're thinking about it on the basis of your interpretation of passages. It's possible your interpretation needs looking at first.

Peace with you.

Sent from my HTC Desire S using Tapatalk 2

 

[Hammer]

Drinking is not a sin. However, what someone does while drinking might be a sin. I wouldn't be worried about her drinking at bars. I'd be worried about why she goes to bars.

The primary function of bars is for boys and girls to hook up.

Drop your objections to her drinking. She's not going to stop and you only create friction. Encourage her to drink only in places where you can be with her. And, if she still insists on going to bars without you, reconsider your relationship.

She can enjoy a buzz any place, no bar needed.

 

[Danus]

Thanks for the replies! I really appreciate the thought. We got into another argument about it yesterday. Decided to come to a compromise. I won't get upset if she has a few beers, gets buzzed even slightly tipsy. On the other hand, she will not always drink when at parties and will not often have as many as she would have otherwise in order to make me feel better.

Really, this revolves around whether or not this girl's behavior is that of a devout Christian. She says she does not feel like getting tipsy is wrong at all and does not believe that the bible supports that. She says she does not feel convicted that its wrong and feels like the Bible mentions that being drunk and drunkenness is a sin but only because it can "make a mocker" and can get out of control. She believes if you dont get sloppy and can still control your decisions, its not a sin. To be honest, she makes good points and maybe she is right who knows? But it freaks me out when I see her have that much because I have a stigma about it. Do you think that this is the type of thing that could ruin a marriage/would be worth breaking up over?

Do you think this is a sign her heart is not in right place or does she make good points? I feel like we should be able to get past this...... (i hope).

I think too often it's easy to assign rules and formulas to matters of the heart out of fear of the unknown. And so we sometimes think if we just stay in the parameters of some prescribed boundaries we'll be safe and happy. We do this in relationships with one another and with God, but I think God would have us beyond such things. I think Love transcends our notions and it's important that we love in faith as well as effort.

Look I've known people who have been to hell and back and their relationships, their marriages thrive, and I've known people who just give up and split over the dumbest stuff. The difference? Faith. I think it's faith. Faith that God will help you over come, not just you on your own. Because in the end, it is God in the center of a marriage that truly holds it together. It is God who we run to when we can not figure it out, when their are problems, when times are tough and we fell lost or confused.

If you love this young woman you will have to Love her in faith, because you can not love her as much as God loves her, so I'd suggest you let God love her through you. That might mean not compromising at times just to please the situation for what you believe to be your own benefit, but you will have to decide if it's really a problem for you to deal with or not. It might not be.

 

[John O]

Is her drinking actually a sign of a much greater issue which is where does she actually stand with her Christianity. Going to Church does not provide any true indication of whether a person is a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car. Too often it is very difficult to tell the difference between non-Christians and Christians and the evidence being shown by this girl is questionable. Now she is clearly influenced by her friends who like the party scene it seems but rather than trying to tackle the symptom I suggest looking at the problem (or possible problem) where does she stand with Christ.

Christianity is not about what we do or don't do but it is about a relationship with Christ which starts when we acknowledge that we have sinned and asking for forgiveness then we repent (this literally means to change one's mind).

The process for the rest of our lives is being transformed into the image of Jesus and He does the changing we just obey the promptings as He speaks to us. Little by little we begin to become more like Him.

I would evaluate your relationship at that level, has she made the decision to follow Christ and is the evidence showing in her life of this change. I would encourage both of you to push into your learning about and of God and if she is on fire for Jesus the drinking issue will begin to disappear.

You can not change her but God can and only with permission from her.

John O

 

[taikina]

don't try to control her. obviously it's better if she doesn't drink but don't push her to drink behind your back by being overbearing. im not saying you definently will suffocate her but just think about if you get married and you give her a feeling like youre her boss and she can't do anything she wants, she'll start to hate you more and more and feel guilty about it and everything else.

i guess what im getting at, she knows your stance already so talk it over calmly, evenly and with respect. don't force her to do anything, give her the choice and guide her with respect and compassion. she'll come around, and if not, nothing forces you to be with her until marriage.