When pastors preach or teach about the dangers of pornography, they will often use a similar thought pattern in addressing this topic: “Pornography is bad, so don’t do it. And if you have been using it, then stop and try harder not to.” While these ideas are all true—pornography is bad, we shouldn’t view it, and if we are, we should try to stop—this approach to preaching does very little to shape a person’s behavior. Here’s why.
I have been leading groups of men in recovery from pornography and other forms of unwanted sexual behavior for over a decade. From this experience—and the shared experience of so many others who have led Pure Desire healing groups—I can tell you that every one of these men already knew it was bad. They did not need me, or any other pastor, to tell them it was harming them and sinful in the eyes of God. While broad acceptance of pornography in our culture is certainly on the rise, I have consistently found that men (and women) of faith understand how this perverts and destroys God’s gift of sex.
Among these men in groups, most of them, if not all, have been trying not to do it for years or even decades. Many have also attempted not to go back into it by utilizing several methods such as prayer, accountability software, honesty with their wives or a Christian friend, and avoiding certain media. Certainly, there are those who have never attempted to change and would benefit from taking these initial and meaningful steps. But many other sincere men or women hearing us preach have already taken these steps and now sit in a place of deep condemnation over their inability to change after ‘trying everything’ they have been taught.
Is this a universal problem for some men and women who don’t have enough conviction to change? Or could it be that our preaching and teaching on pornography is too thin? Could it be that while all of these concepts are true in and of themselves, this approach to teaching doesn’t transform the hearer or give them enough direction to make changes?
If this approach to preaching the truth isn’t transforming lives, we should ask ourselves, “Why not?” Here are three changes we can make in our teaching on pornography that can lead people to lasting change.
The truth is that using pornography is the end of a pattern of behavior, not the beginning. Like a freight train picking up speed, the further down the track we attempt to alter the behavior, the less successful we will be. Instead, we can help people see where their pattern begins and why. ‘Danger zones’ like procrastination, wasting time online, scrolling, and boredom are just a few of the multitudes of starting points. When people connect their starting point to their unwanted behavior, they can move in a different direction early on.
If any behavior has become a problematic struggle in our lives, you will find that this behavior has been an effective—if not limited—way of dealing with pain. When we feel uncomfortable emotions like loneliness, fear, or rejection, many people have learned that pornography is a way to escape these feelings. Even if we are not consciously aware of this thinking, our brain has learned to seek this quick fix to our problems. If we can lead people to see the pain or discomfort they are trying to avoid by using pornography, we give them a real tool to change. We can train others to begin taking those same emotions and discomfort to Christ instead, our ultimate Comforter. This truly casts our burden on the One who cares most deeply for us! (I Peter 5:7)
While our sexuality is a personal matter and not something we should discuss with anyone and everyone, our tendency to keep this area private is working against us. Even if they have confessed to a spouse or friend, the truth is that most Christian men and women have never deeply processed their struggle openly with others who care. They attempt, instead, to battle this behavior alone and hope to apply a “just stop it” approach without the support of others. Struggles with pornography are rooted in isolation and secret-keeping. Because of this, we can’t hope to get healthy the same way. The sickness and the remedy cannot be the same prescription. To find freedom is to find community. In your teaching, how could you call men and women to regular, committed honesty in a weekly group walking the same road? In this environment, we “bear one another’s burdens” as we have been called to do! (Gal. 6:2)
So rather than telling people how bad porn is and that they need to stop, help them instead to see their pattern, recognize the pain that drives them, and break out of the privacy that holds them trapped in secrecy. As you do this, the best next step is funneling people who struggle into safe, confidential groups where they can do the deeper work of transforming these three areas. When our preaching and our churches provide this level of teaching, care, and community, we can be places that truly transform the broken sexuality of our congregation and of the world.
The post Reframe Your Teaching on Pornography appeared first on Focus on the Family.
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I have been leading groups of men in recovery from pornography and other forms of unwanted sexual behavior for over a decade. From this experience—and the shared experience of so many others who have led Pure Desire healing groups—I can tell you that every one of these men already knew it was bad. They did not need me, or any other pastor, to tell them it was harming them and sinful in the eyes of God. While broad acceptance of pornography in our culture is certainly on the rise, I have consistently found that men (and women) of faith understand how this perverts and destroys God’s gift of sex.
Among these men in groups, most of them, if not all, have been trying not to do it for years or even decades. Many have also attempted not to go back into it by utilizing several methods such as prayer, accountability software, honesty with their wives or a Christian friend, and avoiding certain media. Certainly, there are those who have never attempted to change and would benefit from taking these initial and meaningful steps. But many other sincere men or women hearing us preach have already taken these steps and now sit in a place of deep condemnation over their inability to change after ‘trying everything’ they have been taught.
Is this a universal problem for some men and women who don’t have enough conviction to change? Or could it be that our preaching and teaching on pornography is too thin? Could it be that while all of these concepts are true in and of themselves, this approach to teaching doesn’t transform the hearer or give them enough direction to make changes?
If this approach to preaching the truth isn’t transforming lives, we should ask ourselves, “Why not?” Here are three changes we can make in our teaching on pornography that can lead people to lasting change.
Help individuals identify their pattern
The truth is that using pornography is the end of a pattern of behavior, not the beginning. Like a freight train picking up speed, the further down the track we attempt to alter the behavior, the less successful we will be. Instead, we can help people see where their pattern begins and why. ‘Danger zones’ like procrastination, wasting time online, scrolling, and boredom are just a few of the multitudes of starting points. When people connect their starting point to their unwanted behavior, they can move in a different direction early on.
Teach how these habits are mainly about avoiding pain
If any behavior has become a problematic struggle in our lives, you will find that this behavior has been an effective—if not limited—way of dealing with pain. When we feel uncomfortable emotions like loneliness, fear, or rejection, many people have learned that pornography is a way to escape these feelings. Even if we are not consciously aware of this thinking, our brain has learned to seek this quick fix to our problems. If we can lead people to see the pain or discomfort they are trying to avoid by using pornography, we give them a real tool to change. We can train others to begin taking those same emotions and discomfort to Christ instead, our ultimate Comforter. This truly casts our burden on the One who cares most deeply for us! (I Peter 5:7)
Highlight the trap of privacy
While our sexuality is a personal matter and not something we should discuss with anyone and everyone, our tendency to keep this area private is working against us. Even if they have confessed to a spouse or friend, the truth is that most Christian men and women have never deeply processed their struggle openly with others who care. They attempt, instead, to battle this behavior alone and hope to apply a “just stop it” approach without the support of others. Struggles with pornography are rooted in isolation and secret-keeping. Because of this, we can’t hope to get healthy the same way. The sickness and the remedy cannot be the same prescription. To find freedom is to find community. In your teaching, how could you call men and women to regular, committed honesty in a weekly group walking the same road? In this environment, we “bear one another’s burdens” as we have been called to do! (Gal. 6:2)
So rather than telling people how bad porn is and that they need to stop, help them instead to see their pattern, recognize the pain that drives them, and break out of the privacy that holds them trapped in secrecy. As you do this, the best next step is funneling people who struggle into safe, confidential groups where they can do the deeper work of transforming these three areas. When our preaching and our churches provide this level of teaching, care, and community, we can be places that truly transform the broken sexuality of our congregation and of the world.
The post Reframe Your Teaching on Pornography appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...