Dear Dr. Bill: My husband and I have been married for ten years, and I’m concerned that our relationship has gotten stuck in a rut. Long gone are the days of romantic dinners, love notes, and spontaneous dates. I don’t mean to sound discouraged, but we don’t even seem to have a lot of fun together anymore. Can you give me some ideas bout how to talk to my husband about this without sounding like I’m nagging him? Maybe it’s something I’m doing wrong with my nonverbal communication?
It sounds like you are more than a little frustrated with your marriage right now. The place to start is by asking your husband some questions. You’ll want to do this in a caring, non-threatening way and resist the temptation to tell him what you think is wrong with the relationship.
Now, I should point out that some men can feel a bit intimidated by a sit-down, face-to-face “let’s talk about our issues” kind of discussion. If your husband is like that, you might suggest that the two of you engage in some kind of joint activity he enjoys, like going fishing or taking a day hike. Then, when you’re involved in the activity, ask him if he would mind if you talked about something that’s been on your mind.
Without interrogating him, tell him you’d really like to know how he’s been feeling about life lately and how he views your marriage relationship. Chances are that you’ll learn one of three things.
First, he may reveal to you that he’s concerned about something that has nothing to do with your marriage. Perhaps he’s stressed about work, worried about his health, or has been feeling depressed. In other words, his unromantic behavior has little or nothing to do with you.
A second option may be that he is feeling fine and thinks your marriage is going great. In other words, he’s pretty clueless and hasn’t noticed anything wrong with the relationship. He loves you and feels warm feelings toward you but simply doesn’t express them.
The third option is that he’ll tell you that he’s been feeling unhappy in the relationship. He may open up with a whole laundry list of things that have been bothering him, including things that bug him about you. If that happens, do your best not to get defensive and just let him vent.
Once you get him talking, you should get a good idea of what’s going on in the relationship. From there, it’s critical that you express to him that you want to work together to get things back on track. In other words, getting your marriage back on track needs to be a “team effort,” not you telling him what he needs to do to “fix” things.
A great resource to get you started is a book called When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott. It is available at bookstores and online retailers.
While all communication can strengthen your marriage, nonverbal communication can have a major impact on whether the romance blossoms or wilts. Nonverbal communication—a raised eyebrow, a folding of the arms across the chest, a hand on the shoulder, an e-mail—can be at least as powerful as words. It can help build your marriage—or chip away at it.
Communicating without talking can be tricky. You may not always realize what you’re “saying.” And your silent messages may contradict your spoken ones, confusing your spouse.
It’s no wonder some wives begin to ask early in their marriages, “Why does my husband say one thing and act totally different?” Some husbands, on the other hand, ask, “If she’s really attracted to me as she used to be, why does she act like a cold potato every time I approach her?”
The unspoken can be very difficult to interpret properly. Nevertheless, nonverbal communication has its positive side. To help you and your mate make the most of those silent messages, here are some principles to remember:
When it comes to communicating with your spouse, don’t try to send important messages or work out sensitive issues over the phone or via e-mail. When you read an e-mail or listen on the phone, you’re not getting the whole message. You can’t interpret facial expressions, maintain eye contact, or sense warmth or genuineness. If intimate, relationship-building conversation is needed, have it face-to-face.
Remember this advice: “Faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead” (James 2:17). Actions do speak louder than words. You can tell a hungry man you care about him and wish him well, but if you don’t demonstrate your compassion, the words are useless. The same is true for your spouse. A church sign put it this way: “Actions speak louder than bumper stickers.” Ask yourself whether the nonverbal messages you’ve been sending your spouse lately have been through your actions—or the lack thereof.
Silence can be one of the loudest forms of communication, but it’s easily misinterpreted. What does it tend to say in your marriage?
Is it:
The trouble with silence is that your mate may “fill in the blanks” with answers that aren’t correct. Learning to communicate what you feel will help your spouse know what’s in your heart—instead of encouraging him or her to take your silence and assume the worst.
In other words, don’t overreact. What you think your spouse meant may not be what he or she intended to communicate. Ask for clarification: “Remember the other day when I asked you about taking a vacation and you sighed real loud? Were you aggravated with me because I brought it up again, or were you frustrated with yourself for having forgotten about it?”
Your facial expressions and eye contact send messages to your spouse about how interested you are in what he or she is saying. Actions like looking away, cleaning your fingernails, yawning, or flipping channels on the remote say, “I have better things to do.” To avoid getting distracted when your spouse is trying to communicate with you, turn off the radio, TV, computer, or other electronic devices.
When Jesus wanted to communicate how valuable children were to His kingdom, He didn’t just say, “Hey, kids, you are valuable!” He reached down and touched them and sat them in His lap. People need touch. Babies left untouched become ill emotionally and physically. Spouses who fail to have meaningful touch in their marriage by holding hands, rubbing necks, putting their arms around each other, and hugging will not be as close—literally and figuratively—as those who make these patterns part of their everyday routine.
Most mothers are experts at controlling their children’s behavior by simply looking at them. Sometimes, it seems that a mom’s angry look in church can pierce 70 rows of bodies to reprimand a talking teenager. In marriage, your eyes can communicate warmth or disgust, contentment or dissatisfaction, love or hatred, approval or disappointment. Many men struggle with looking at their wives. Some are by nature shy and developed a habit in childhood to avoid looking directly at a speaker. Some fear seeing disappointment in their wives’ eyes. Whatever the case, both men and women need to look their spouses in the eyes, especially when discussing sensitive topics or expressing love.
Make sure that what you feel in your heart is communicated clearly, not just by your words but also by eye contact, touch, and other nonverbal communication. Don’t assume that since you feel good about what you’re communicating, your spouse must feel good about it, too.
The post Restoring Romance Through Nonverbal Communication appeared first on Focus on the Family.
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It sounds like you are more than a little frustrated with your marriage right now. The place to start is by asking your husband some questions. You’ll want to do this in a caring, non-threatening way and resist the temptation to tell him what you think is wrong with the relationship.
Men and Women Communicate Differently
Now, I should point out that some men can feel a bit intimidated by a sit-down, face-to-face “let’s talk about our issues” kind of discussion. If your husband is like that, you might suggest that the two of you engage in some kind of joint activity he enjoys, like going fishing or taking a day hike. Then, when you’re involved in the activity, ask him if he would mind if you talked about something that’s been on your mind.
Without interrogating him, tell him you’d really like to know how he’s been feeling about life lately and how he views your marriage relationship. Chances are that you’ll learn one of three things.
First, he may reveal to you that he’s concerned about something that has nothing to do with your marriage. Perhaps he’s stressed about work, worried about his health, or has been feeling depressed. In other words, his unromantic behavior has little or nothing to do with you.
A second option may be that he is feeling fine and thinks your marriage is going great. In other words, he’s pretty clueless and hasn’t noticed anything wrong with the relationship. He loves you and feels warm feelings toward you but simply doesn’t express them.
The third option is that he’ll tell you that he’s been feeling unhappy in the relationship. He may open up with a whole laundry list of things that have been bothering him, including things that bug him about you. If that happens, do your best not to get defensive and just let him vent.
A Team Effort
Once you get him talking, you should get a good idea of what’s going on in the relationship. From there, it’s critical that you express to him that you want to work together to get things back on track. In other words, getting your marriage back on track needs to be a “team effort,” not you telling him what he needs to do to “fix” things.
A great resource to get you started is a book called When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott. It is available at bookstores and online retailers.
Nonverbal Communication Can Restore Romance
While all communication can strengthen your marriage, nonverbal communication can have a major impact on whether the romance blossoms or wilts. Nonverbal communication—a raised eyebrow, a folding of the arms across the chest, a hand on the shoulder, an e-mail—can be at least as powerful as words. It can help build your marriage—or chip away at it.
Communicating without talking can be tricky. You may not always realize what you’re “saying.” And your silent messages may contradict your spoken ones, confusing your spouse.
It’s no wonder some wives begin to ask early in their marriages, “Why does my husband say one thing and act totally different?” Some husbands, on the other hand, ask, “If she’s really attracted to me as she used to be, why does she act like a cold potato every time I approach her?”
8 Ways to Use Nonverbal Communication to Restore the Romance
The unspoken can be very difficult to interpret properly. Nevertheless, nonverbal communication has its positive side. To help you and your mate make the most of those silent messages, here are some principles to remember:
1. Go Low-Tech When Possible.
When it comes to communicating with your spouse, don’t try to send important messages or work out sensitive issues over the phone or via e-mail. When you read an e-mail or listen on the phone, you’re not getting the whole message. You can’t interpret facial expressions, maintain eye contact, or sense warmth or genuineness. If intimate, relationship-building conversation is needed, have it face-to-face.
2. Don’t Be “All Talk.”
Remember this advice: “Faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead” (James 2:17). Actions do speak louder than words. You can tell a hungry man you care about him and wish him well, but if you don’t demonstrate your compassion, the words are useless. The same is true for your spouse. A church sign put it this way: “Actions speak louder than bumper stickers.” Ask yourself whether the nonverbal messages you’ve been sending your spouse lately have been through your actions—or the lack thereof.
3. Don’t Rely on Silence to Send a Message.
Silence can be one of the loudest forms of communication, but it’s easily misinterpreted. What does it tend to say in your marriage?
Is it:
- “I don’t want to fight”?
- “I’d rather not say anything that could stir up trouble”?
- “Don’t bother me”?
- “I don’t care what you think or what you need from me”?
The trouble with silence is that your mate may “fill in the blanks” with answers that aren’t correct. Learning to communicate what you feel will help your spouse know what’s in your heart—instead of encouraging him or her to take your silence and assume the worst.
4. Don’t Catastrophize.
In other words, don’t overreact. What you think your spouse meant may not be what he or she intended to communicate. Ask for clarification: “Remember the other day when I asked you about taking a vacation and you sighed real loud? Were you aggravated with me because I brought it up again, or were you frustrated with yourself for having forgotten about it?”
5. Watch Your Body Language.
Your facial expressions and eye contact send messages to your spouse about how interested you are in what he or she is saying. Actions like looking away, cleaning your fingernails, yawning, or flipping channels on the remote say, “I have better things to do.” To avoid getting distracted when your spouse is trying to communicate with you, turn off the radio, TV, computer, or other electronic devices.
6. Use Touch to Communicate Your Love.
When Jesus wanted to communicate how valuable children were to His kingdom, He didn’t just say, “Hey, kids, you are valuable!” He reached down and touched them and sat them in His lap. People need touch. Babies left untouched become ill emotionally and physically. Spouses who fail to have meaningful touch in their marriage by holding hands, rubbing necks, putting their arms around each other, and hugging will not be as close—literally and figuratively—as those who make these patterns part of their everyday routine.
7. Use Your Eyes To Express Warmth and Caring.
Most mothers are experts at controlling their children’s behavior by simply looking at them. Sometimes, it seems that a mom’s angry look in church can pierce 70 rows of bodies to reprimand a talking teenager. In marriage, your eyes can communicate warmth or disgust, contentment or dissatisfaction, love or hatred, approval or disappointment. Many men struggle with looking at their wives. Some are by nature shy and developed a habit in childhood to avoid looking directly at a speaker. Some fear seeing disappointment in their wives’ eyes. Whatever the case, both men and women need to look their spouses in the eyes, especially when discussing sensitive topics or expressing love.
8. Practice, Practice, Practice.
Make sure that what you feel in your heart is communicated clearly, not just by your words but also by eye contact, touch, and other nonverbal communication. Don’t assume that since you feel good about what you’re communicating, your spouse must feel good about it, too.
The post Restoring Romance Through Nonverbal Communication appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...