Scottish jokes

[CaliforniaAlbanach]

(I get away with this cause I was born in Scotland)

Two Scotsmen were walking, Angus and Hamish,
Angus falls down a hole, Hamish says to Angus "ye alright doon there?"
Hamish replies "aye braw, nae hurt but there is liquid doon here"
Angus replies "dinnae drink mate, will be drain and sewage water"
"Slurp" comes from the hole, Hamish shouts "There's milk doon here"
Angus asks "Is it Pasteurised?"
Hamish retorts "Naw it's only past meh knees"

 

[CaliforniaAlbanach]

Here is another ...

A Glaswegian goes into the dental hospital on Sauchiehall Street and speaks to the dentist
"How much tae get my tooth oot?"asks the man
"65 pounds for a simple extraction Sir" replies the Dentist
"That's a bit steep mate, how about if you don't numb me?"
"I don't know sir, I would say maybe 40 pounds"
The man replied "hmmmm what if we got a dental trainee in, would he cost as much?"
Dentist replied "I guess I could let you away with 20 pounds"
The man (keen for a bargain) went on "we are in a dental hospital right"
Dentist says "yes sir"
The man said "we'll how about we turn this into a lecture, have a trainee do it, let all the others watch, would you be willing to bend on 20 pounds?"
The dentist said "if it was a lecture I guess I couldn't charge you"
The man (after he got the price he wanted) "said great, when can I bring the wife in?"

 

[Claudya]

Angus asks "Is it Pasteurised?"
Hamish retorts "Naw it's only past meh knees"

Pun detection alert went off.
But I fail to understand it. :-(

 

[CaliforniaAlbanach]

Accent joke, play on words between pasteurised and past my knees (past your eyes)

 

[Mike S]

What do you call a Scot with 100 girlfriends?

A shepherd.

 

[CaliforniaAlbanach]

That's baaaaaaad

 

[Davies]

(I get away with this cause I was born in Scotland)

Two Scotsmen were walking, Angus and Hamish,
Angus falls down a hole, Hamish says to Angus "ye alright doon there?"
Hamish replies "aye braw, nae hurt but there is liquid doon here"
Angus replies "dinnae drink mate, will be drain and sewage water"
"Slurp" comes from the hole, Hamish shouts "There's milk doon here"
Angus asks "Is it Pasteurised?"
Hamish retorts "Naw it's only past meh knees"

I really love puns. Thanks for sharing CaliforniaAlbanach.

- Davies

 

[CaliforniaAlbanach]

Guy goes to his local parish priest in the highlands, advises the priest that he has a poltergeist in his loft (attic) and the priest advises his that he is of course willing to do an excorcism, and the priest takes a donation check from the guy as a love offering.

Later that day the guy realises his paycheque did it go into his bank, so, not being a devout catholic calls his parish priest and asks the following question

"If my cheque bounces Father, will I get re-possessed?"

 

[Davies]

Hi CaliforniaAlbanach,

This was funny. I wish I knew some jokes. I never can remember them.

- Davies