Johnny_Ninja
Member
- Nov 27, 2022
- 1
- 1
I will keep the post as short as possible, but it's still probably going to be long. It's just that there's a minimal amount of contextual backstory that is necessary. Sorry for that, but thank you in advance.
I'm struggling with whether or not members in both my immediate and extended family really even love me. I feel like a few of them have sold me out in one of the worst ways possible. Or perhaps I'm wrong...it just doesn't feel like I am..to me, at least. It feels to me like they are using the Bible in a convenient fashion (for them) simply for the sake of avoiding conflict or taking (what I believe should be) an objectively correct, moral stand when given the opportunity. What I will say for certain is that if the roles were reversed, I would have stuck up for each one of them in exactly the way I had hoped and expected for them to do on my behalf.
This all has me seriously considering completely extricating myself from my family. Because if I can't count on them for what I consider to be the most fundamental, bare minimum degree of support, then what use is it to even be a member of this family?
I had been married for a little over 7 years when, two years ago, my (now) ex-wife and I separated. I didn't know this at the time of the separation, but I found out during the separation - though before the inevitable divorce was final a few months later - that my wife at the time had been having an affair with a married man. I unearthed evidence at the time that proved at least an emotional affair, but with strong implications of a physical one, as well. Not that the difference between the two matters except in the courts (emotional affairs aren't considered actual "adultery" in the courts apparently), because both types of affairs can and do ruin marriages. I won't go so far as to "speak for God", but I feel rather confident that he doesn't really distinguish between the types of affairs..especially if they interfere in a marriage, much less destroy it. I eventually unearthed further evidence after the divorce was final that it was definitely physical before our divorce was final, though I couldn't prove that it was before the separation..though again, STRONG implications that it was...enough I feel quite confident in saying that it was physical before the separation.
At the time I discovered the first trove of evidence and showed my family, everyone agreed that it proved infidelity. Not to mention, I then confronted my wife at the time with the evidence and recorded the phone call (at the direction of my attorney) in which I confronted her. I'd give her small pieces of what I knew at the time just to see if she'd lie. Then, she'd lie and I'd call her out on it, proving that I had all the data to show she was lying. This eventually culminated in a partial admission to what she'd been up to, but the lying never stopped. Point being, my family knew as well as I did what was going on. This culminated in her and the affair partner getting divorces within a month of one another, and they now apparently live together.
Now to the point of my post....at some point, slightly before the divorce was final, my then soon-to-be ex-wife wrote my mother an email basically stating "thanks for making me a part of the family and I wish you all the best"...there was never an admission to what she had done, much less repentance or an apology. She just wrote that message essentially pretending that the elephant in the room didn't actually exist...meanwhile, lamps are getting knocked over and furniture is getting crushed, so to speak. To this day, it's one of the most brazen and sociopathic moves I've ever seen someone make.
My mother immediately alerted me to this message. And here's the rub...my mother intended to just write her back and reciprocate similar pleasantries - WITHOUT MENTIONING THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM. Apparently because she doesn't want to be "mean" or "rude" TO THE WOMAN WHO CHEATED ON HER SON WITH A MARRIED MAN AND DESTROYED THE MARRIAGE. This enraged me.. at both at my ex-wife and my own mother.
Luckily for me, my brother took control of the situation and cut my mother clean out of it. Without cursing or being nasty, he wrote a very professional response in which he basically told her "do not reach out to this family offering well-wishes without acknowledging your part in all of this."
It was literally the first time anyone called her out on it except for me, and even then I had to explain to my brother WHY my mother's initial planned response was offensive and sickening to me. I basically had to convince him to "do the right thing by me"... whereas, like I stated earlier, I would have already known what to do if the roles were reversed. No one would have had to tell me. It seemed (and still seems) like such a no-brainer to me that for the fact that I even had to address it, is problematic in of itself. I feel like it reflected to me an accurate picture of the regard my own family has for me, which is very little, if any at all.
To further illustrate my point, I had an acquaintance who I knew through my ex-wife. His wife and my ex-wife were old friends, and so he and I sort of became friends as the years passed because of this. This guy called me out of nowhere on New Year's Eve, right after we'd been separated.. he didn't even know we had been separated. He called simply to say hi and ask how I was doing. So, I told him. You know what HE did? He erased and blocked my ex-wife on social media. Not that I asked him to do anything at all. I didn't. But he did it of his own volition, because he won't stand for infidelity. Because it's morally wrong and he doesn't support it or excuse it. And that guy wasn't even a family member of mine, or really even that close to me. And yet, even someone like THAT did something, small as it was, to show support.
Fast forward to present day. My brother and I go fishing yesterday. We spend the day fishing, then we have dinner at a place afterward. Over dinner, he mentions to me that one of our cousins ran into the ex-wife at the grocery store the other day. Apparently what happened was that the ex-wife waved at my cousin, but my cousin didn't recognize her and so she didn't wave back. She apparently didn't realize that it was my ex-wife until after she left the store. So, to my ex-wife, it more likely than not came across as being snubbed by my cousin.
I texted my cousin, and told her that even though it was apparently accidental, I appreciated it.
She writes me back giving me all this crap about how it was accidental and if it were to happen again, she would be cordial and etc. etc. Citing scripture about how "that's what Jesus would want her to do." Really?!
Listen, I don't expect her to cuss her out or punch her. Like I said, if it were me and the roles were reversed, I simply wouldn't say anything. I'd just keep walking.
Because again, this nasty woman (ex-wife) apparently believes that if she pretends that she didn't commit adultery, everyone else will pretend right along with her.. and as much as I hate to say it, she's not wrong.
To clarify, it would be one thing if there were ever confession, apology, or repentance. I don't believe that as Christians, we should hold someone's past over their heads when they've taken the prescribed measures to right their wrongs. But that is simply not the case here. And I don't believe that we should just pretend that someone who has done something so egregious, didn't actually do it, just because they are pretending that they never did it.
About the only analogy I can think of that seems to make my point is... let's say you have a woman who was raped by someone that the whole family knows.. and let's say that the whole family knows it happened.. and let's say that the rapist has been saying the entire time that he didn't rape the woman and that it was consensual sex..he goes about his life, pretending he never did this awful thing..
And then he emails he victim's mother, pretending it didn't happen.. or runs into one of the family at the store, pretending it didn't happen. What would be the appropriate response for one of those family members to have? Because I can tell you what I would do.. I don't even have to think about it.. because it's not hard. It should be common sense. And yet, here I sit.. bewildered.
Am I wrong here? If I am, then tell me so. I will be honest though.. if you haven't suffered through the receiving end of adultery, I may not take your opinion so seriously.. it doesn't mean I would discount it outright.. but I have found that a lot of people who haven't experienced it tend to treat it as some minor infraction.
Hopefully that makes sense.. So I am at this point now where it seems like there's a pattern of behavior within my family that I don't find at all acceptable. And it's one of these things where "bringing it up to them" and "trying to talk about it" is pointless. The damage has already been done, and any apology at this point from them would be meaningless. To me, there was a simple right and wrong choice laid out, choosing the wrong choice appears to be endemic. I mean, if they won't stick up for me in something so simple, how or why would I ever expect for them to stick up for me in any other scenario. As of right now, I feel like the only thing I share with them is some genetic material and the same last name.. and that's not enough. It takes a little more than that. I don't feel like my expectations are unreasonable.. rather, I feel like they are a bare minimum standard.
But hey, if I'm wrong here, by all means tell me.
I'm struggling with whether or not members in both my immediate and extended family really even love me. I feel like a few of them have sold me out in one of the worst ways possible. Or perhaps I'm wrong...it just doesn't feel like I am..to me, at least. It feels to me like they are using the Bible in a convenient fashion (for them) simply for the sake of avoiding conflict or taking (what I believe should be) an objectively correct, moral stand when given the opportunity. What I will say for certain is that if the roles were reversed, I would have stuck up for each one of them in exactly the way I had hoped and expected for them to do on my behalf.
This all has me seriously considering completely extricating myself from my family. Because if I can't count on them for what I consider to be the most fundamental, bare minimum degree of support, then what use is it to even be a member of this family?
I had been married for a little over 7 years when, two years ago, my (now) ex-wife and I separated. I didn't know this at the time of the separation, but I found out during the separation - though before the inevitable divorce was final a few months later - that my wife at the time had been having an affair with a married man. I unearthed evidence at the time that proved at least an emotional affair, but with strong implications of a physical one, as well. Not that the difference between the two matters except in the courts (emotional affairs aren't considered actual "adultery" in the courts apparently), because both types of affairs can and do ruin marriages. I won't go so far as to "speak for God", but I feel rather confident that he doesn't really distinguish between the types of affairs..especially if they interfere in a marriage, much less destroy it. I eventually unearthed further evidence after the divorce was final that it was definitely physical before our divorce was final, though I couldn't prove that it was before the separation..though again, STRONG implications that it was...enough I feel quite confident in saying that it was physical before the separation.
At the time I discovered the first trove of evidence and showed my family, everyone agreed that it proved infidelity. Not to mention, I then confronted my wife at the time with the evidence and recorded the phone call (at the direction of my attorney) in which I confronted her. I'd give her small pieces of what I knew at the time just to see if she'd lie. Then, she'd lie and I'd call her out on it, proving that I had all the data to show she was lying. This eventually culminated in a partial admission to what she'd been up to, but the lying never stopped. Point being, my family knew as well as I did what was going on. This culminated in her and the affair partner getting divorces within a month of one another, and they now apparently live together.
Now to the point of my post....at some point, slightly before the divorce was final, my then soon-to-be ex-wife wrote my mother an email basically stating "thanks for making me a part of the family and I wish you all the best"...there was never an admission to what she had done, much less repentance or an apology. She just wrote that message essentially pretending that the elephant in the room didn't actually exist...meanwhile, lamps are getting knocked over and furniture is getting crushed, so to speak. To this day, it's one of the most brazen and sociopathic moves I've ever seen someone make.
My mother immediately alerted me to this message. And here's the rub...my mother intended to just write her back and reciprocate similar pleasantries - WITHOUT MENTIONING THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM. Apparently because she doesn't want to be "mean" or "rude" TO THE WOMAN WHO CHEATED ON HER SON WITH A MARRIED MAN AND DESTROYED THE MARRIAGE. This enraged me.. at both at my ex-wife and my own mother.
Luckily for me, my brother took control of the situation and cut my mother clean out of it. Without cursing or being nasty, he wrote a very professional response in which he basically told her "do not reach out to this family offering well-wishes without acknowledging your part in all of this."
It was literally the first time anyone called her out on it except for me, and even then I had to explain to my brother WHY my mother's initial planned response was offensive and sickening to me. I basically had to convince him to "do the right thing by me"... whereas, like I stated earlier, I would have already known what to do if the roles were reversed. No one would have had to tell me. It seemed (and still seems) like such a no-brainer to me that for the fact that I even had to address it, is problematic in of itself. I feel like it reflected to me an accurate picture of the regard my own family has for me, which is very little, if any at all.
To further illustrate my point, I had an acquaintance who I knew through my ex-wife. His wife and my ex-wife were old friends, and so he and I sort of became friends as the years passed because of this. This guy called me out of nowhere on New Year's Eve, right after we'd been separated.. he didn't even know we had been separated. He called simply to say hi and ask how I was doing. So, I told him. You know what HE did? He erased and blocked my ex-wife on social media. Not that I asked him to do anything at all. I didn't. But he did it of his own volition, because he won't stand for infidelity. Because it's morally wrong and he doesn't support it or excuse it. And that guy wasn't even a family member of mine, or really even that close to me. And yet, even someone like THAT did something, small as it was, to show support.
Fast forward to present day. My brother and I go fishing yesterday. We spend the day fishing, then we have dinner at a place afterward. Over dinner, he mentions to me that one of our cousins ran into the ex-wife at the grocery store the other day. Apparently what happened was that the ex-wife waved at my cousin, but my cousin didn't recognize her and so she didn't wave back. She apparently didn't realize that it was my ex-wife until after she left the store. So, to my ex-wife, it more likely than not came across as being snubbed by my cousin.
I texted my cousin, and told her that even though it was apparently accidental, I appreciated it.
She writes me back giving me all this crap about how it was accidental and if it were to happen again, she would be cordial and etc. etc. Citing scripture about how "that's what Jesus would want her to do." Really?!
Listen, I don't expect her to cuss her out or punch her. Like I said, if it were me and the roles were reversed, I simply wouldn't say anything. I'd just keep walking.
Because again, this nasty woman (ex-wife) apparently believes that if she pretends that she didn't commit adultery, everyone else will pretend right along with her.. and as much as I hate to say it, she's not wrong.
To clarify, it would be one thing if there were ever confession, apology, or repentance. I don't believe that as Christians, we should hold someone's past over their heads when they've taken the prescribed measures to right their wrongs. But that is simply not the case here. And I don't believe that we should just pretend that someone who has done something so egregious, didn't actually do it, just because they are pretending that they never did it.
About the only analogy I can think of that seems to make my point is... let's say you have a woman who was raped by someone that the whole family knows.. and let's say that the whole family knows it happened.. and let's say that the rapist has been saying the entire time that he didn't rape the woman and that it was consensual sex..he goes about his life, pretending he never did this awful thing..
And then he emails he victim's mother, pretending it didn't happen.. or runs into one of the family at the store, pretending it didn't happen. What would be the appropriate response for one of those family members to have? Because I can tell you what I would do.. I don't even have to think about it.. because it's not hard. It should be common sense. And yet, here I sit.. bewildered.
Am I wrong here? If I am, then tell me so. I will be honest though.. if you haven't suffered through the receiving end of adultery, I may not take your opinion so seriously.. it doesn't mean I would discount it outright.. but I have found that a lot of people who haven't experienced it tend to treat it as some minor infraction.
Hopefully that makes sense.. So I am at this point now where it seems like there's a pattern of behavior within my family that I don't find at all acceptable. And it's one of these things where "bringing it up to them" and "trying to talk about it" is pointless. The damage has already been done, and any apology at this point from them would be meaningless. To me, there was a simple right and wrong choice laid out, choosing the wrong choice appears to be endemic. I mean, if they won't stick up for me in something so simple, how or why would I ever expect for them to stick up for me in any other scenario. As of right now, I feel like the only thing I share with them is some genetic material and the same last name.. and that's not enough. It takes a little more than that. I don't feel like my expectations are unreasonable.. rather, I feel like they are a bare minimum standard.
But hey, if I'm wrong here, by all means tell me.
