Separation?

[hischild71]

Hi all,

I hope this is the right place to post. It has to do with marriage/separation.

My story: I have been married for 3 1/2 years. I am a Christian, my husband is not. He will not go to church with me or really have anything to do with the Christian life. Long story short: We have been together for six years total. Known him since we were both teenagers. We are 37 and 41 now. He has been physically, emotionally and mentally abusive for most of that time. He has also been in trouble with the law over the years and most recently, last year, when he was convicted of burglary of 3 residences. I had written here about whether or not this was enough to separate and/or divorce and received alot of feedback from both "sides". Most recently, I found out that he had robbed my mom of her life savings, to the tune of $31,000. We had reported the robbery before we knew it was him but he later confessed it was him about 3 weeks after trying to convince us it was someone else. He has shown NO remorse, nor has he asked for forgiveness or shown any inkling of being sorry. My mom took us into her home after we got kicked out of our old home by the landlord due to this legal trouble. She treated him like a son and helped him out alot being emotionally supportive and helped financially by paying for bail and lawyer fees. And then he turns around and steals EVERYTHING she has. She is 72 and now has no financial security.

I have read/listened/heard almost everything on the subject of God and His feelings about divorce. I have consulted my therapist and pastor and have come to terms with my feelings on the subject. I won't get into that right now. For anyone that remember my earlier post about this, I wanted to write just to add this update to see if anyone who had expressed before that they thought I should stick it out and see if the most recent theft against my mother by him changes anything. I also am writing to seek further opinions on the subject.

I really feel that divorce is appropriate in this instance because of the following reasons:

1) he robbed my mother and shows no remorse and barely confessed to doing so

2) for the next five years he will be in an intense drug probation program where I will only see him twice a week.

3) I can't see being marriage to someone I rarely see especially with ALL that he has done over the years. It seems we are getting nowhere fast.

4) I am concerned about my future because I am now 41 and even though I am not that old, I am worried about being taken care of and having a life/future/financial security with someone who has never provided such and who certainly will not do so for a long time to come (he has ALOT of restitution to pay plus the IRS is garnishing his wages for back taxes he just didn't feel like paying).

This is also a man that came to see me ONE TIME when I was dying in the hospital last year. I have lost friends, had to claim bankruptcy, and now my family has been hurt by him. This is also the man I love with all my heart.

But this can't be the life that God wants for His children.

Thoughts???

Thank you in advance for listening,
K.K.

 

[thisnumbersdisconnected]

I don't know what kind of advice was given you when you posted on the forum previously, but if they didn't tell you to get out then and there, they should have. Eighty-six this guy and don't look back. Prosecute him to the fullest extent of the law and be done with him. He's a predator, an abuser, a liar and a thief. Maybe worse. Given opportunity after opportunity to come around and submit to your example in Christ, he has chosen instead to be a deadbeat, a credit risk and a criminal. You have shown amazing patience and resilience in staying this long. Time to cut the cord and let him become a ward of the state courtesy of your DOC. God bless, now go and file.

 

[joethemechanic]

Has he committed adultery?

 

[hischild71]

Has he committed adultery?

No why??

 

[thisnumbersdisconnected]

Has he committed adultery?

No why??

Actually, yes, he has. It's obvious from hischild's post. He has committed spiritual and moral adultery, which also falls under the defintion of porneia, the Greek word for infidelity. Porneia also covered the worship of idols, that also being infidelity to the God of the universe. Anything can be an idol, any sin allowed to flourish against the backdrop of the faith we claim to have in Jesus Christ. We are children of God through His shed blood. We know any moral decision contrary to Christ's teachings is an infidelity against that faith. This man continues in those moral decisions despite knowing the infidelity, the breaking of fellowship. He has indeed committed porneia against God, against his wife and family, against society. Sexual adultery is not the only adultery leading to divorce.

 

[lmw]

Its a common myth that sexual infidelity is the only grounds for divorce and that God would shun all other reasons. Being a survivor of domestic abuse, I just want to tell you, don't feel like you are doing a wrong thing for wanting out. Though you two are apart you are clearly suffering emotional abuse still. God does not want you to endure such pain just to keep you together to honor marriage. I had a shot gun in my face at one point, I could have been killed, staying with him would have meant I wouldn't be typing this, why would God want me to be murdered by my husband? Things happened and he overdosed during our separation, but I lived in fear for a year of him. God loves us, he gave me a way out. I think he is giving you one as well.

Your husband has been unfaithful in every way possible, without sexual infidelity. But if you want something more biblical in proof, look at 1 Corinthians 7:15 nkjv - But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. That whole chapter talks about divorce, that one verse is about the unbelieving spouse leaving the marriage. You should not be in bondage anymore

 

[Jared]

I feel for your situation. This is quite a difficult situation. There are multiple challenges here.

Please forgive this digression for a moment, I think it is important. I teach music so my analogy may seem far afield. Often students who are struggling with a passage in a piece will concentrate on the measure of music they are stumbling on. Or perhaps they are challenged with some technical aspect of body mechanics. They become fixated on the particular instance where the error seems to appear. In reality the error does not happen when it appears. It happens beforehand, often 3 to 5 steps before they feel it or hear it. The same is true in business. I have run two companies. When significant trouble occurs it is easy to focus on the particular. In reality there was an error of significance or many small errors before the particular revelation of trouble. I think this parallel is true in other areas of our lives.

For the challenge at hand. It would be presumptive for anyone to say, other than direct family or your pastor, what you ought to do. Your pastor has the responsibility before God, to help you discern God's ways.

As a caring brother in the Lord, I can say that your situation is complicated and speaks of being severely unequally yoked. As divorce is irreconcilable it seems progressive steps to this conclusion would be a judicial approach. If you have physically moved out and stayed physically separated, explaining to your husband what behavior needs to change for reconciliation, you are giving him every opportunity to repent. Sufficient time needs to pass as well. If then mediation is attempted and does not prevail I would think divorce may be a possible conclusion. While your situation is severe and divorce is not an aberration but a provision because of irreconcilable sinfulness, exhausting all options first seems your responsibility. As I can't possibly say if that has really been done, I would encourage you to seek pastoral advice again. Perhaps divorce is what is best, trust God to lead you step by step to that conclusion with pastoral confirmation.

Please take this with a huge grain of salt. I am simply a brother in the Lord.

 

[abide]

Has he committed adultery?

Why are you asking this.. Is adultery the only reason for divorce. This man cannot be trusted.. Look at the pain he has caused.

 

[abide]

Hi all,

I hope this is the right place to post. It has to do with marriage/separation.

My story: I have been married for 3 1/2 years. I am a Christian, my husband is not. He will not go to church with me or really have anything to do with the Christian life. Long story short: We have been together for six years total. Known him since we were both teenagers. We are 37 and 41 now. He has been physically, emotionally and mentally abusive for most of that time. He has also been in trouble with the law over the years and most recently, last year, when he was convicted of burglary of 3 residences. I had written here about whether or not this was enough to separate and/or divorce and received alot of feedback from both "sides". Most recently, I found out that he had robbed my mom of her life savings, to the tune of $31,000. We had reported the robbery before we knew it was him but he later confessed it was him about 3 weeks after trying to convince us it was someone else. He has shown NO remorse, nor has he asked for forgiveness or shown any inkling of being sorry. My mom took us into her home after we got kicked out of our old home by the landlord due to this legal trouble. She treated him like a son and helped him out alot being emotionally supportive and helped financially by paying for bail and lawyer fees. And then he turns around and steals EVERYTHING she has. She is 72 and now has no financial security.

I have read/listened/heard almost everything on the subject of God and His feelings about divorce. I have consulted my therapist and pastor and have come to terms with my feelings on the subject. I won't get into that right now. For anyone that remember my earlier post about this, I wanted to write just to add this update to see if anyone who had expressed before that they thought I should stick it out and see if the most recent theft against my mother by him changes anything. I also am writing to seek further opinions on the subject.

I really feel that divorce is appropriate in this instance because of the following reasons:

1) he robbed my mother and shows no remorse and barely confessed to doing so

2) for the next five years he will be in an intense drug probation program where I will only see him twice a week.

3) I can't see being marriage to someone I rarely see especially with ALL that he has done over the years. It seems we are getting nowhere fast.

4) I am concerned about my future because I am now 41 and even though I am not that old, I am worried about being taken care of and having a life/future/financial security with someone who has never provided such and who certainly will not do so for a long time to come (he has ALOT of restitution to pay plus the IRS is garnishing his wages for back taxes he just didn't feel like paying).

This is also a man that came to see me ONE TIME when I was dying in the hospital last year. I have lost friends, had to claim bankruptcy, and now my family has been hurt by him. This is also the man I love with all my heart.

But this can't be the life that God wants for His children.

Thoughts???

Thank you in advance for listening,
K.K.

This is a hard one. I personally believe that the best thing is for you to leave him. He is not interested in the Christian life, he feels no remorse for his actions. Now your mom is penniless.

This is not easy to do, but ask God for help and he will see you through. I think it is better for you since in my opinion you are unequally yoked. What will he think of next.

 

[hischild71]

Sexual adultery is not the only adultery leading to divorce.

This is what my Pastor explained to me as well. It's part of the Lutheran belief as well as many other Christian beliefs. I'm glad you mentioned this in your post. It's not a grey area anymore. Basically adultery is any sin that replaces the wife (or husband) in the marriage, atleast that is what I took all of this to mean, whether that be drugs, gambling, another woman, etc.

 

[hischild71]

While your situation is severe and divorce is not an aberration but a provision because of irreconcilable sinfulness, exhausting all options first seems your responsibility.

I agree with this statement wholeheartedly, and THAT is why I've consulted with my pastor, therapist, this forum, family, friends because I want to do the RIGHT thing and didn't really have the trust or faith in myself to know or do what that was.

Provision is exactly what I'm talking about. It may not be the answer for everyone. That is fine. But I needed to know that there was exactly that-a provision-that allowed for separation and/or divorce in order to either save or move on from the marriage.

 

[Sparkey]

Remember that your Father in Heaven is compassionate and does not want the pain that your family is in to have to continue. That is why Jesus said that God allowed divorce, because of the hard hearted men who did not love their wives as they were commanded.

They hardened their hearts to God and did not hear Him. What then? Yep, then as now, emotional abuse happened. Your Father wants marriage to be good and wholesome so that it reflects the love that Christ has for the church. But God ammended his law (love your wife as your own flesh) because of their hardened hearts and closed ears. He permitted divorce out of compassion to the family of the disobedient. His ear is open to those who are suffering, that is why Jesus came --> to break the bonds and to heal hearts.

God does not want you to continue to try to be one with this. Your husband (so-called) is serving himself and not God. Of course, there are two sides to every story, but from what you say here, he lacks the capacity to enter into marriage. My thought is that your marriage is on paper only.

Regarding sin, there isn't even a chance of friendship between children of the light and those who love their sin more than God. In fact, God prohibits this. If we are not to be friends with the world, how can we marry it and expect to survive? Christians are supposed to follow a higher love, one that exceeds man's law. We are to keep ourselves spotless. Joining to a felon, especially one who continues in felonious behavior, establishes a relationship between you and that behavior.

My advice? Seek God, do what your heart is telling you to do.