Have you ever heard the saying, “Sex is about waiting?” While some people agree and disagree on whether premarital sex is a good idea, the Bible gives us wisdom on the topic. Here are the things that you need to know about premarital sex.
Parents are big believers in waiting. Do you remember any of these?
Of course, it’s not really that they saw virtue in waiting itself. It’s just that waiting ensured something more important—loving your little brother, protecting you from danger, or impressing on you the consequences of your actions.
There’s one other kind of waiting that parents try to teach—the patient waiting involved in delayed gratification. From staying in school because of the better job we’d someday get, to working hard at practice every day so we’d be ready for the competition that was weeks or months away, to saving the money we earned mowing lawns or babysitting so we could pay for college or buy an engagement ring (I can’t tell you how many lawns are sitting on my wife’s finger right now!), we learn to wait patiently to maximize our future gratification. It’s a good lesson, as far as it goes.
But it doesn’t work for everything. Some things are best when done as soon as possible—like eating an ice cream cone on a hot day. And we can delay other things too long—like the vacation of a lifetime that comes too late to be fully enjoyed.
And then there’s sex.
At first, the argument to wait makes sense on the grounds of protecting yourself from something you’re not emotionally or physically ready for. Later, it makes sense because it will be better if it happens in a committed marriage. But what about now?
You’re in your 20s or 30s; your career is taking off, and your body and emotions are about as developed as they will ever be. And though you’re not married, your relationships with the opposite sex are mature and adult-like in every other respect. So why keep waiting? You’re not a kid anymore.
Purity seems archaic; abstinence impossible. Why wait when everyone else is getting the goods now? It’s just sex—the subject of nearly every movie, primetime show, book, and magazine ad. What’s so special about it? In a sex-saturated culture, waiting till marriage seems outdated and prudish. Pleasure is the name of the game.
And even if sex is marginally better inside of marriage than outside, what if your prospects for marriage aren’t that good? Isn’t sub-optimal sex now better than no sex at all, ever?
That’s where we come to the limits of the “wait, because it’s better in marriage” argument. And it’s one reason so many of the single men and women I counsel in the local church find themselves in tears in my counseling office, telling me that after years of waiting, they just couldn’t wait any longer.
In addition to the risk of contracting STDs and AIDS or getting pregnant, premarital sex leads to emotional distress, distrust, regret, and emptiness. That’s because sex connects two people in body and spirit; it’s impossible to separate the two.
When we turn to what the Bible has to say about sex outside of marriage, it’s easy to sum up the message: Don’t do it. From the Ten Commandments in Exodus to the laws of Leviticus 18 to the instructions of Paul in 1 Corinthians 6-7 to the public embarrassment attached to the Virgin Mary, the Bible is clear that God’s standard is to reserve sex for marriage and marriage alone.
And unlike much that you’ll find on the shelves of your local bookstore, the Bible doesn’t spend much time trying to justify that standard. You won’t find a verse that says, “Thou shalt wait, and not have premarital sex, because it’s better in marriage.” There is no chapter in Scripture that touts the protection from physical disease and emotional heartache that comes from monogamy, although both things are true.
Instead, the Bible says things like, “You must obey my laws and be careful to follow my decrees. I am the LORD your God” (Leviticus 18:4). Or, “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20).
The Bible teaches that we should reserve sexual intimacy for marriage for no other reason than that if we are Christians, we belong to God. Sex outside of marriage is not only a sin against ourselves and our spouse but a fraudulent misrepresentation of God and a cruel distortion of the intimacy he created to be a picture of the eternal intimacy of the Trinity itself.
Sexual intimacy is all about union. Physically, of course, that’s obvious. But there’s so much more. In sexual intimacy, we also know a union that is emotional, as our hearts are knit together even as our bodies are. We know a union that is intellectual, as we come to understand and know one another in intimate detail. We know a union that is even spiritual, for as every married couple figures out, the best sex isn’t when I make sure I get what I want, but when I forget about myself, and give myself for the blessing and delight of my spouse. And at that moment, we are very close to the heart of Christ, “who loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25).
But there’s more. This union of sexual intimacy, complete in itself, is also a sign and symbol of an even more profound union of lives in the covenant marriage, when a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and the two become one flesh in God’s amazing design for sex. Being “one flesh” with someone can refer in a secondary way to sex, but primarily it’s just a Hebrew way of saying one family, flesh and blood. The union of marriage is not an alliance of families, with each partner representing a previous set of priorities and loyalties. No (and this was and remains quite radical), marriage is a union that dissolves the old bonds, the old loyalties, the old priorities, and creates one new family, with all that entails — one new set of priorities, one new set of fundamental loyalties.
Do you see the picture so far? The beauty of sex is that it is a profound union that stands as a sign and symbol of an even more profound union of lives in the covenant of marriage. This, of course, is why sex outside of marriage is ultimately unsatisfying and destructive. Without the union of marriage, the union of bodies is a parody and mockery of itself. Bereft of its proper point and context, sexual intimacy outside of marriage does not bring us into the lover’s embrace but merely exposes us to the stranger’s stare and reduces us to the means of someone else’s pleasure.
But there’s even more to this union that makes sexual intimacy as God designed it so beautiful. I mentioned that many men tend to view sex as a means to the end of their pleasure. If that is the typical failure of men, then I think many women tend to view intimacy, broadly considered, as an end in itself. But for women, that view is just as much idolatry as the man’s worship of pleasure. There is no created thing, including the intimacy of marriage, that exists for its own sake.
The amazing thing that Paul reveals in Ephesians 5 is that the union between a husband and wife is ultimately beautiful because it, too, stands as a sign, a picture of something else. And that is the union between Christ and the church.
The ultimate point of marriage isn’t your emotional satisfaction but to make visible the gospel reality of Christ’s love for the church and the church’s love for Christ. The absolutely amazing truth of the gospel is that we who were separated and alienated from God have been united by faith to the Son He loves in the New Covenant of his grace. The marriage covenant illustrates the New Covenant; the marriage union points to that even more profound union between Christ and the church.
What does this have to do with the beauty of sexual intimacy and the single who is still waiting to experience it? You can think of this like a matryoshka, or nested Russian dolls, in which each doll’s shape is determined by the shape of the next doll hidden inside. The intimacy of sexual union, as desirable as that is, is also a picture of the marriage union, which in turn is a picture of our union with Christ.
As profoundly intimate as the experience of sexual union is, at its best, it is just a hint, a small taste of the joy and satisfaction and perfect intimacy we will know with Jesus when we are united to Him as his Bride. That union won’t be sexual, but there is no other union God’s given us that speaks more truly of the intimate love we’ll know in Christ. To rip one of these unions out of its connection with the others is to destroy not only its goodness and meaning but to distort the pattern that it was designed to display.
There is one more connection to draw, one more union to think about. For as profound as our union with Christ is, that union is not the ultimate and final union in the universe. Have you ever wondered why we are united to Christ? It’s kind of an odd image when you think about it. Jesus himself gives us the answer. In John 14-17, Jesus repeatedly told his disciples to abide in him, to remain in him, for in that union, they had life. And then, in His high priestly prayer in John 17, He says the most remarkable thing:
There is more there than we can possibly unpack, but at least this much is clear. The union we have with Christ in the gospel, and the transformation that union effects, is meant to be a visible sign, a proof, of the prior eternal union of Christ and the Father in the Trinity. So that when the world looked at those united to Christ, they could not help but see that Christ himself is one with the Father.
What is the point of our union with Christ? It is the glory of God. As Jesus concludes his prayer, “I have made you known to them … that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.” In our union with Christ, we are mysteriously made signs and symbols of the Son’s union with the Father. What’s more, through that union, we participate in and are taken up into the eternal love of the Father for the Son and the Son for the Father.
Here we have finally come to the mystery of union, the core that defines every other union in the universe, including the union of sex. That’s right, you read that correctly. Sex is a foretaste, a hint of what it will mean for us to participate in the eternal union of love that exists at the very heart of the Trinity. The beauty of intimacy is that it is a taste of the glory of God.
What does this mean for you if you’re single? It means that the problem with sex outside of marriage isn’t that you’re breaking an arbitrary rule, or that it is emotionally destructive, or that it is more likely to expose you to an STD.
Sex outside of marriage is a fraud and a fake. It pretends to be true intimacy but is nothing more than exposure. It uses the language of love and commitment but knows nothing of either. By suggesting that true pleasure and intimacy can be had without loving, covenantal commitment, it perpetrates a massive assault against the very character and glory of God, whose eternal, intimate, loving relationship within the Trinity is the blueprint and pattern for every intimate pleasure that you or I will ever know.
What if you gave up waiting? You can’t undo some things this life. But for those who repent of their sin and trust in the grace of God held out through the cross of Jesus Christ, all things may be forgiven.
If you’re still waiting (or waiting again) for marriage to have sex, keep waiting. Because it’s not about waiting. It’s about displaying the glory of God and his gospel in your life.
What is the point of sexual intimacy? Genesis 1 tells us that one point is procreation. We’re to be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth with the image of God, and it’s through sexual intimacy that we do that.
But right away, it’s obvious that there’s more going on than mere reproduction. Though all living creatures are created to reproduce after their kind, not all do so sexually. And among those that reproduce sexually, simple observation tells us that humans are unique in their experience of sex. Mating in the animal world happens with urgency and instinctual drive, but not much more. Why are we different?
As far as the world is concerned, only a nerdy biologist or a prudish Christian would bother to ask such a question. To the world, the point of sex is pleasure, release, and orgasm. What other point would anyone need? Sex results in pleasure. I want pleasure, so I have sex. I want more pleasure; I have more sex. Many men in our culture buy into this view—even married men; even Christian married men. What seems to be new is the increasing extent to which women are viewing sex this way.
Ironically, while the first view is historically associated with Christianity, and the second view is associated with the world, both miss the main point of sexual intimacy because both reduce sex to an instrument, a means to another end. And whenever something is reduced to a tool, a utilitarian process, it ceases to be an object of beauty and is only as good as what it gets you.
Why is our experience of sex so different from the rest of creation? Why did God pronounce it very good? Simply put, because the point of sexual intimacy is neither the children nor the pleasure it produces, but the union of persons it represents.
Halfway through the PBS special on Japanese gardens, my roommate decided she needed a bonsai.
I silently recalled the catastrophic ends that had befallen her African violet, her salamander, and the stray cat we found outside the dorm.
Nevertheless, we spent the next afternoon perusing shelves of tiny, well-groomed trees at the street fair. OK, they aren’t actually trees—as the elderly Japanese vendor explained. They’re common types of vegetation kept small through constant, extensive pruning. Delighted by my friend’s interest in his merchandise, the vendor shared his secrets for bonsai maintenance.
Repot plant often.
Wire branch to shape bonsai.
Then pinch off new growth.
And that was just the start. An hour later, he’d convinced me that bonsais aren’t your basic houseplant. They’re an art form.
Alas, my roommate was no artist. As exams and activities vied for her time, the tree deteriorated into a scraggly brown shrub. Guilt finally drove her back to the street vendor. Was there anything she could do to restore it to its original glory? As the man examined the sickly plant, he made no effort to mask his disgust. His bitter rebuke tumbled out like a broken haiku:
THAT
Is not bonsai
Anymore.
You can understand his frustration. After all, he’d sold my friend a handsome, perfect plant. He’d provided explicit instructions for care. But she’d neglected it. She’d let it become something it was never intended to be.
Sexuality is a lot like the bonsai. God’s instructions are clear—enjoy it in marriage. But sexual purity is just one element of a much larger directive: Strive to live a holy life.
I think the concept of holiness confuses us, though. It evokes images of Mother Teresa or some long-dead saint. We envision an unattainable level of perfection. Some of us grew up believing that holiness just meant remaining abstinent until marriage. By simply avoiding intercourse (even if we did everything else we could think of), we’d circumvent the flames of hell.
But these common notions lack a key element: love. God didn’t impart rules about sex and premarital sex to control or manipulate us. They were borne out of his passion for us. He knew we would crave intimate connection with others. That’s why he created the gift of sex. He presented it as fresh, vibrant, and beautiful.
He desperately wants us to keep it that way.
We can waste time resenting God’s rules, or we can get out our clippers. Because maintaining a holy life requires a good deal of pruning.
Starting in the 17th century, Japanese bonsai keepers began to redefine their art by minimizing. They set out to remove everything but what was essential to the health and beauty of the plant. We cultivate holiness in a similar fashion. The Bible urges us to make ourselves pure from everything that pollutes our bodies or spirits (2 Corinthians 7:1). Here are some suggestions for doing that:
Sex is a basic human need. Every person has the desire to enjoy a physical relationship with someone they care about. And in the context of marriage, those moments of intimacy can bring pure joy and pleasure to your life. Sexual self-control can enhance sex in marriage.
But when it’s used in the wrong way, sex can cause guilt, anxiety, depression, disease, and low self-esteem.
How do you make the right decision about when—and with whom—you should have sex?
Dear Dr. Bill: My husband and I have been married for seven years now, and in the beginning, we were madly in love with one another. But one problem keeps interfering with our relationship. You see, we were engaged about eight months after we met, and then I became pregnant three months before the wedding. We really meant to abstain from sex during that time, but we gave in to one night of passion, and that’s all it took.
Ever since then, we’ve been dealing with the guilt of having premarital sex. We’ve never told anyone, but it’s always been an uncomfortable area in our relationship, especially when we think of our first child’s birthday or our anniversary. My husband and I both want our marriage and family to succeed—Do you have any advice for us?
In today’s world, many so-called “experts” deny that there are moral or spiritual ramifications to premarital sex. But it’s obvious from your e-mail that those “experts” have it all wrong.
God’s created intent for human sexuality is very clear. It is a wonderful gift that brings men and women together emotionally and spiritually. But He designed that gift to be expressed in a life-long marital commitment. When we ignore His design, we often reap a harvest of pain and suffering.
That being said, it’s just as important to remember that God offers us the wonderful gift of grace through the death of His Son, Jesus Christ. When we confess our sins and express remorse to Him and to those we have wronged, God offers us complete and total forgiveness.
If you’ve truly repented of this sin to God and to each other, your continued struggle with guilt is misplaced. You may still feel remorse for your actions, something the bible refers to as “Godly sorrow.” But if you continue to wallow in guilt, it means that you don’t truly believe that God can forgive you for your faults.
Also, the fact that these feelings of guilt are interfering with your marriage leads me to believe that one or both of you may still be harboring resentment over what occurred. That resentment will continue to eat away at your relationship until you work through it. It may also have negative consequences for your children.
I suggest you and your husband make an appointment with your pastor or a Christian counselor and discuss this issue. Our counseling department can refer you to a licensed Christian therapist in your area.
I’d also like to recommend a book that you may find helpful. It’s titled When You Can’t Say I Forgive You by Grace Ketterman and David Hazard.
Dear Dr. Bill: When we were dating, I thought my fiancé and I had saved our virginity for each other. But after we got married, I learned my husband was sexually involved with another woman before he met me. Now my husband has apologized to me and God about this relationship— but I can’t let it go. I’m angry, disappointed, and feel like I can’t possibly be the true love of my husband’s life. Are these feelings normal?
Amalia, it’s clear that you feel very hurt and angry about your husband’s past relationship. Your situation clearly demonstrates that bringing sexual “baggage” into a marriage can destroy the trust and intimacy between a husband and wife. That’s why God’s design for human sexuality is for men and women to pursue sexual purity before marriage and then to remain faithful and monogamous to their spouse.
That being said, there are a few things you need to consider about your particular situation. First of all, although you said that you “thought” your fiancé was a virgin before you got married, did you actually discuss this issue with him while you were dating? If you simply assumed he was a virgin without specifically asking him about it, it’s unfair to accuse him of deceiving you. It’s likely that he felt ashamed and embarrassed about his past behavior— which is why he never brought it up while you were dating.
Also, you mention that your husband has “apologized to you and God.” From your description, it appears that he has repented of his past sin and feels a deep sense of remorse about his behavior.
Assuming that his repentance is genuine—and it sounds like it is—I would encourage you to put aside your resentment and jealousy and extend grace to him, just as God extends grace to you for your own sin.
You may need time to work through your shock and disappointment, and your husband should grant you that time. However, if you are unable to let go of your anger, I would suggest that the two of you see a Christian therapist or pastoral counselor. Our counseling department at Focus on the Family can provide you with a referral in your local area.
If you need further guidance and encouragement, we have a staff of licensed, professional counselors
who offer a one-time complimentary consultation from a Christian perspective. They can also refer you to counselors in your area for ongoing assistance.
Reach a counselor toll-free at 1-855-771-HELP (4357).
The post Sex Is Not About Waiting: Everything You Need to Know About Premarital Sex appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...
Table of Contents
- Premarital Sex: The Waiting Game
- What the Bible Says About Premarital Sex
- Sex is About Union
- Sex and the Art of Bonsai
- Making Decisions About Sex
- Dr. Bill Maier on How Premarital Sex Affects the Marriage Relationship
- Dr. Bill Maier on Dealing With a Spouse’s Previous Sexual Relationship.
Premarital Sex: The Waiting Game
Parents are big believers in waiting. Do you remember any of these?
- “Wait for your little brother!” as you ran off with your friends.
- “Wait a half hour before you get into the pool,” just as you finished your lunch.
- “Wait until your father gets home!” as mom caught you pummeling your sibling for being such a nuisance.
Of course, it’s not really that they saw virtue in waiting itself. It’s just that waiting ensured something more important—loving your little brother, protecting you from danger, or impressing on you the consequences of your actions.
There’s one other kind of waiting that parents try to teach—the patient waiting involved in delayed gratification. From staying in school because of the better job we’d someday get, to working hard at practice every day so we’d be ready for the competition that was weeks or months away, to saving the money we earned mowing lawns or babysitting so we could pay for college or buy an engagement ring (I can’t tell you how many lawns are sitting on my wife’s finger right now!), we learn to wait patiently to maximize our future gratification. It’s a good lesson, as far as it goes.
But it doesn’t work for everything. Some things are best when done as soon as possible—like eating an ice cream cone on a hot day. And we can delay other things too long—like the vacation of a lifetime that comes too late to be fully enjoyed.
And then there’s sex.
Premarital Sex: To Wait or Not To Wait?
At first, the argument to wait makes sense on the grounds of protecting yourself from something you’re not emotionally or physically ready for. Later, it makes sense because it will be better if it happens in a committed marriage. But what about now?
You’re in your 20s or 30s; your career is taking off, and your body and emotions are about as developed as they will ever be. And though you’re not married, your relationships with the opposite sex are mature and adult-like in every other respect. So why keep waiting? You’re not a kid anymore.
Purity seems archaic; abstinence impossible. Why wait when everyone else is getting the goods now? It’s just sex—the subject of nearly every movie, primetime show, book, and magazine ad. What’s so special about it? In a sex-saturated culture, waiting till marriage seems outdated and prudish. Pleasure is the name of the game.
And even if sex is marginally better inside of marriage than outside, what if your prospects for marriage aren’t that good? Isn’t sub-optimal sex now better than no sex at all, ever?
That’s where we come to the limits of the “wait, because it’s better in marriage” argument. And it’s one reason so many of the single men and women I counsel in the local church find themselves in tears in my counseling office, telling me that after years of waiting, they just couldn’t wait any longer.
In addition to the risk of contracting STDs and AIDS or getting pregnant, premarital sex leads to emotional distress, distrust, regret, and emptiness. That’s because sex connects two people in body and spirit; it’s impossible to separate the two.
What the Bible Says About Premarital Sex
When we turn to what the Bible has to say about sex outside of marriage, it’s easy to sum up the message: Don’t do it. From the Ten Commandments in Exodus to the laws of Leviticus 18 to the instructions of Paul in 1 Corinthians 6-7 to the public embarrassment attached to the Virgin Mary, the Bible is clear that God’s standard is to reserve sex for marriage and marriage alone.
And unlike much that you’ll find on the shelves of your local bookstore, the Bible doesn’t spend much time trying to justify that standard. You won’t find a verse that says, “Thou shalt wait, and not have premarital sex, because it’s better in marriage.” There is no chapter in Scripture that touts the protection from physical disease and emotional heartache that comes from monogamy, although both things are true.
Instead, the Bible says things like, “You must obey my laws and be careful to follow my decrees. I am the LORD your God” (Leviticus 18:4). Or, “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20).
The Bible teaches that we should reserve sexual intimacy for marriage for no other reason than that if we are Christians, we belong to God. Sex outside of marriage is not only a sin against ourselves and our spouse but a fraudulent misrepresentation of God and a cruel distortion of the intimacy he created to be a picture of the eternal intimacy of the Trinity itself.
Sex is About Union
Sexual intimacy is all about union. Physically, of course, that’s obvious. But there’s so much more. In sexual intimacy, we also know a union that is emotional, as our hearts are knit together even as our bodies are. We know a union that is intellectual, as we come to understand and know one another in intimate detail. We know a union that is even spiritual, for as every married couple figures out, the best sex isn’t when I make sure I get what I want, but when I forget about myself, and give myself for the blessing and delight of my spouse. And at that moment, we are very close to the heart of Christ, “who loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25).
A Union That Is a Sign and Symbol
But there’s more. This union of sexual intimacy, complete in itself, is also a sign and symbol of an even more profound union of lives in the covenant marriage, when a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and the two become one flesh in God’s amazing design for sex. Being “one flesh” with someone can refer in a secondary way to sex, but primarily it’s just a Hebrew way of saying one family, flesh and blood. The union of marriage is not an alliance of families, with each partner representing a previous set of priorities and loyalties. No (and this was and remains quite radical), marriage is a union that dissolves the old bonds, the old loyalties, the old priorities, and creates one new family, with all that entails — one new set of priorities, one new set of fundamental loyalties.
The Profound Meaning of Union
Do you see the picture so far? The beauty of sex is that it is a profound union that stands as a sign and symbol of an even more profound union of lives in the covenant of marriage. This, of course, is why sex outside of marriage is ultimately unsatisfying and destructive. Without the union of marriage, the union of bodies is a parody and mockery of itself. Bereft of its proper point and context, sexual intimacy outside of marriage does not bring us into the lover’s embrace but merely exposes us to the stranger’s stare and reduces us to the means of someone else’s pleasure.
But there’s even more to this union that makes sexual intimacy as God designed it so beautiful. I mentioned that many men tend to view sex as a means to the end of their pleasure. If that is the typical failure of men, then I think many women tend to view intimacy, broadly considered, as an end in itself. But for women, that view is just as much idolatry as the man’s worship of pleasure. There is no created thing, including the intimacy of marriage, that exists for its own sake.
The amazing thing that Paul reveals in Ephesians 5 is that the union between a husband and wife is ultimately beautiful because it, too, stands as a sign, a picture of something else. And that is the union between Christ and the church.
A Union That Displays The Gospel
The ultimate point of marriage isn’t your emotional satisfaction but to make visible the gospel reality of Christ’s love for the church and the church’s love for Christ. The absolutely amazing truth of the gospel is that we who were separated and alienated from God have been united by faith to the Son He loves in the New Covenant of his grace. The marriage covenant illustrates the New Covenant; the marriage union points to that even more profound union between Christ and the church.
What does this have to do with the beauty of sexual intimacy and the single who is still waiting to experience it? You can think of this like a matryoshka, or nested Russian dolls, in which each doll’s shape is determined by the shape of the next doll hidden inside. The intimacy of sexual union, as desirable as that is, is also a picture of the marriage union, which in turn is a picture of our union with Christ.
As profoundly intimate as the experience of sexual union is, at its best, it is just a hint, a small taste of the joy and satisfaction and perfect intimacy we will know with Jesus when we are united to Him as his Bride. That union won’t be sexual, but there is no other union God’s given us that speaks more truly of the intimate love we’ll know in Christ. To rip one of these unions out of its connection with the others is to destroy not only its goodness and meaning but to distort the pattern that it was designed to display.
A Union That Displays God
There is one more connection to draw, one more union to think about. For as profound as our union with Christ is, that union is not the ultimate and final union in the universe. Have you ever wondered why we are united to Christ? It’s kind of an odd image when you think about it. Jesus himself gives us the answer. In John 14-17, Jesus repeatedly told his disciples to abide in him, to remain in him, for in that union, they had life. And then, in His high priestly prayer in John 17, He says the most remarkable thing:
There is more there than we can possibly unpack, but at least this much is clear. The union we have with Christ in the gospel, and the transformation that union effects, is meant to be a visible sign, a proof, of the prior eternal union of Christ and the Father in the Trinity. So that when the world looked at those united to Christ, they could not help but see that Christ himself is one with the Father.
Why Have Union With Christ?
What is the point of our union with Christ? It is the glory of God. As Jesus concludes his prayer, “I have made you known to them … that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.” In our union with Christ, we are mysteriously made signs and symbols of the Son’s union with the Father. What’s more, through that union, we participate in and are taken up into the eternal love of the Father for the Son and the Son for the Father.
Here we have finally come to the mystery of union, the core that defines every other union in the universe, including the union of sex. That’s right, you read that correctly. Sex is a foretaste, a hint of what it will mean for us to participate in the eternal union of love that exists at the very heart of the Trinity. The beauty of intimacy is that it is a taste of the glory of God.
- Isn’t God good that he would make something so enjoyable at the same time so noble?
- Isn’t He good that He would make something so full of pleasure so good and pure?
- Isn’t He gracious that He would make us in such a way that delighting in our spouse leads us to find our ultimate delight in Him?
If You’re Single
What does this mean for you if you’re single? It means that the problem with sex outside of marriage isn’t that you’re breaking an arbitrary rule, or that it is emotionally destructive, or that it is more likely to expose you to an STD.
Sex outside of marriage is a fraud and a fake. It pretends to be true intimacy but is nothing more than exposure. It uses the language of love and commitment but knows nothing of either. By suggesting that true pleasure and intimacy can be had without loving, covenantal commitment, it perpetrates a massive assault against the very character and glory of God, whose eternal, intimate, loving relationship within the Trinity is the blueprint and pattern for every intimate pleasure that you or I will ever know.
What if you gave up waiting? You can’t undo some things this life. But for those who repent of their sin and trust in the grace of God held out through the cross of Jesus Christ, all things may be forgiven.
If you’re still waiting (or waiting again) for marriage to have sex, keep waiting. Because it’s not about waiting. It’s about displaying the glory of God and his gospel in your life.
A Union of Bodies, But So Much More
What is the point of sexual intimacy? Genesis 1 tells us that one point is procreation. We’re to be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth with the image of God, and it’s through sexual intimacy that we do that.
But right away, it’s obvious that there’s more going on than mere reproduction. Though all living creatures are created to reproduce after their kind, not all do so sexually. And among those that reproduce sexually, simple observation tells us that humans are unique in their experience of sex. Mating in the animal world happens with urgency and instinctual drive, but not much more. Why are we different?
As far as the world is concerned, only a nerdy biologist or a prudish Christian would bother to ask such a question. To the world, the point of sex is pleasure, release, and orgasm. What other point would anyone need? Sex results in pleasure. I want pleasure, so I have sex. I want more pleasure; I have more sex. Many men in our culture buy into this view—even married men; even Christian married men. What seems to be new is the increasing extent to which women are viewing sex this way.
Ironically, while the first view is historically associated with Christianity, and the second view is associated with the world, both miss the main point of sexual intimacy because both reduce sex to an instrument, a means to another end. And whenever something is reduced to a tool, a utilitarian process, it ceases to be an object of beauty and is only as good as what it gets you.
Why is our experience of sex so different from the rest of creation? Why did God pronounce it very good? Simply put, because the point of sexual intimacy is neither the children nor the pleasure it produces, but the union of persons it represents.
Sex and the Art of Bonsai
Halfway through the PBS special on Japanese gardens, my roommate decided she needed a bonsai.
I silently recalled the catastrophic ends that had befallen her African violet, her salamander, and the stray cat we found outside the dorm.
Nevertheless, we spent the next afternoon perusing shelves of tiny, well-groomed trees at the street fair. OK, they aren’t actually trees—as the elderly Japanese vendor explained. They’re common types of vegetation kept small through constant, extensive pruning. Delighted by my friend’s interest in his merchandise, the vendor shared his secrets for bonsai maintenance.
Repot plant often.
Wire branch to shape bonsai.
Then pinch off new growth.
And that was just the start. An hour later, he’d convinced me that bonsais aren’t your basic houseplant. They’re an art form.
Alas, my roommate was no artist. As exams and activities vied for her time, the tree deteriorated into a scraggly brown shrub. Guilt finally drove her back to the street vendor. Was there anything she could do to restore it to its original glory? As the man examined the sickly plant, he made no effort to mask his disgust. His bitter rebuke tumbled out like a broken haiku:
THAT
Is not bonsai
Anymore.
You can understand his frustration. After all, he’d sold my friend a handsome, perfect plant. He’d provided explicit instructions for care. But she’d neglected it. She’d let it become something it was never intended to be.
Sex is Like Bonsai
Sexuality is a lot like the bonsai. God’s instructions are clear—enjoy it in marriage. But sexual purity is just one element of a much larger directive: Strive to live a holy life.
I think the concept of holiness confuses us, though. It evokes images of Mother Teresa or some long-dead saint. We envision an unattainable level of perfection. Some of us grew up believing that holiness just meant remaining abstinent until marriage. By simply avoiding intercourse (even if we did everything else we could think of), we’d circumvent the flames of hell.
But these common notions lack a key element: love. God didn’t impart rules about sex and premarital sex to control or manipulate us. They were borne out of his passion for us. He knew we would crave intimate connection with others. That’s why he created the gift of sex. He presented it as fresh, vibrant, and beautiful.
He desperately wants us to keep it that way.
We can waste time resenting God’s rules, or we can get out our clippers. Because maintaining a holy life requires a good deal of pruning.
Ways to Cultivate Holiness
Starting in the 17th century, Japanese bonsai keepers began to redefine their art by minimizing. They set out to remove everything but what was essential to the health and beauty of the plant. We cultivate holiness in a similar fashion. The Bible urges us to make ourselves pure from everything that pollutes our bodies or spirits (2 Corinthians 7:1). Here are some suggestions for doing that:
- Be modest. What’s your first thought when you see a young woman strutting down the street in high heels, a short skirt, and a tight crop top? Like it or not, our appearance sends off vibes to people about who we are and what we believe. If you’re attempting to live a holy life, make sure your appearance isn’t suggesting otherwise and inviting trouble.
- Maintain a pure brain. Living a holy life is more than refraining from sex outside of marriage. Single and married people do well to avoid sex-charged music, TV, movies, and magazines—anything that objectifies people rather than affording human beings the respect and dignity they deserve.
- Date like-minded people. Sure, he’s cute and funny and smart—but does he share your goal of holiness? Being on the same page with a boy or girlfriend about sexual purity doesn’t guarantee you’ll always do the right thing. But with similar standards, you can work as a team to make wise choices.
- Keep a clear head. Drugs, alcohol, or any other mind-altering substance will only break down your resistance in an already-compromising situation. We exponentially increase our chances of doing something we’ll regret when we’re not clean and sober. Be awake and alert so that your decisions will be your own.
- Tell yourself the truth. You know your weaknesses, the things that tempt you most, the conditions that put you at greatest risk for making a bad decision. Whether or not it seems silly to someone else, do whatever it takes to avoid putting yourself in those situations.
- Stay in touch with God. When our conscience jabs at us for doing something we know isn’t best, the last thing we want to read, hear or talk about is God. We have to remember that he’s not the enemy. He’s the bonsai master. He’s the one who gave us the gift of sex, and he knows the best way to use it.
Making Decisions About Sex
Sex is a basic human need. Every person has the desire to enjoy a physical relationship with someone they care about. And in the context of marriage, those moments of intimacy can bring pure joy and pleasure to your life. Sexual self-control can enhance sex in marriage.
But when it’s used in the wrong way, sex can cause guilt, anxiety, depression, disease, and low self-esteem.
How do you make the right decision about when—and with whom—you should have sex?
- Make a commitment. If you’ve made a wise decision about what’s best for your life, you won’t be as likely to give in to your desires. Make a promise to yourself that you won’t engage in sexual activity until you’re married. The best way to make sure you stick to your word is to share your promise with a pastor or parent. A tangible reminder, such as a ring or necklace, may also help you to remember your commitment. Plus, jewelry can be a great way to bring the topic up with your boyfriend or girlfriend. It’s best if the person you’re dating knows exactly where you stand so he or she can support you in your decision. (And if he/she doesn’t, that’s a good indication you haven’t found the “right one.”)
- Keep your brain in control. Even though your body may send other messages, remember having sex even one time can negatively affect your life forever. The only 100% “safe sex‚” is no sex at all. Though some forms of birth control may protect you from sexually transmitted diseases, HIV infection, and pregnancy, they’re not without failure. And there’s no such thing as a condom for your heart. The best way to enjoy a sexual relationship is inside marriage, where you know the person you’re intimate with is healthy and where a pregnancy would mean a baby born with two loving parents.
- Keep yourself out of irresistible situations. Be prepared to say “no,” but stay out of settings that might require it. If you’re involved in a close relationship, avoid situations where sex will be a temptation. Even if your companion is just a friend, if it’s someone of the opposite sex, protect yourself from doing something you’ll regret. Spend time together in public and in groups. Keep other friends around to hold you accountable. That way, you’ll know that even if you have a moment of weakness, you won’t have sex.
- Have a plan. Even the most careful couples find themselves in compromising circumstances. When things start to get hot and heavy, know where and how to put on the brakes. Plan what you will say and do to keep your commitment to purity. Say something like, “I really care about you, but I don’t want to have sex until I’m married.” Be as clear and as firm as possible. Then, leave the situation quickly.
- It’s never too late to start over. Even if you’ve had premarital sex, you can still set new, better boundaries to get your sex life on the right track. Let your significant other know that you care too much about yourself and him or her to let sex undermine the future of your relationship. Focus on other ways of getting to know each other, such as common interests or new pastimes you can share. Your relationship will be deeper and more meaningful because you’ll know each other’s hearts. There will be plenty of time after the wedding to get to know one another’s bodies.
Dr. Bill Maier on How Premarital Sex Affects the Marriage Relationship
Dear Dr. Bill: My husband and I have been married for seven years now, and in the beginning, we were madly in love with one another. But one problem keeps interfering with our relationship. You see, we were engaged about eight months after we met, and then I became pregnant three months before the wedding. We really meant to abstain from sex during that time, but we gave in to one night of passion, and that’s all it took.
Ever since then, we’ve been dealing with the guilt of having premarital sex. We’ve never told anyone, but it’s always been an uncomfortable area in our relationship, especially when we think of our first child’s birthday or our anniversary. My husband and I both want our marriage and family to succeed—Do you have any advice for us?
In today’s world, many so-called “experts” deny that there are moral or spiritual ramifications to premarital sex. But it’s obvious from your e-mail that those “experts” have it all wrong.
God’s created intent for human sexuality is very clear. It is a wonderful gift that brings men and women together emotionally and spiritually. But He designed that gift to be expressed in a life-long marital commitment. When we ignore His design, we often reap a harvest of pain and suffering.
That being said, it’s just as important to remember that God offers us the wonderful gift of grace through the death of His Son, Jesus Christ. When we confess our sins and express remorse to Him and to those we have wronged, God offers us complete and total forgiveness.
If you’ve truly repented of this sin to God and to each other, your continued struggle with guilt is misplaced. You may still feel remorse for your actions, something the bible refers to as “Godly sorrow.” But if you continue to wallow in guilt, it means that you don’t truly believe that God can forgive you for your faults.
Also, the fact that these feelings of guilt are interfering with your marriage leads me to believe that one or both of you may still be harboring resentment over what occurred. That resentment will continue to eat away at your relationship until you work through it. It may also have negative consequences for your children.
I suggest you and your husband make an appointment with your pastor or a Christian counselor and discuss this issue. Our counseling department can refer you to a licensed Christian therapist in your area.
I’d also like to recommend a book that you may find helpful. It’s titled When You Can’t Say I Forgive You by Grace Ketterman and David Hazard.
Dr. Bill Maier on Dealing With a Spouse’s Previous Sexual Relationship.
Dear Dr. Bill: When we were dating, I thought my fiancé and I had saved our virginity for each other. But after we got married, I learned my husband was sexually involved with another woman before he met me. Now my husband has apologized to me and God about this relationship— but I can’t let it go. I’m angry, disappointed, and feel like I can’t possibly be the true love of my husband’s life. Are these feelings normal?
Amalia, it’s clear that you feel very hurt and angry about your husband’s past relationship. Your situation clearly demonstrates that bringing sexual “baggage” into a marriage can destroy the trust and intimacy between a husband and wife. That’s why God’s design for human sexuality is for men and women to pursue sexual purity before marriage and then to remain faithful and monogamous to their spouse.
That being said, there are a few things you need to consider about your particular situation. First of all, although you said that you “thought” your fiancé was a virgin before you got married, did you actually discuss this issue with him while you were dating? If you simply assumed he was a virgin without specifically asking him about it, it’s unfair to accuse him of deceiving you. It’s likely that he felt ashamed and embarrassed about his past behavior— which is why he never brought it up while you were dating.
Also, you mention that your husband has “apologized to you and God.” From your description, it appears that he has repented of his past sin and feels a deep sense of remorse about his behavior.
Assuming that his repentance is genuine—and it sounds like it is—I would encourage you to put aside your resentment and jealousy and extend grace to him, just as God extends grace to you for your own sin.
You may need time to work through your shock and disappointment, and your husband should grant you that time. However, if you are unable to let go of your anger, I would suggest that the two of you see a Christian therapist or pastoral counselor. Our counseling department at Focus on the Family can provide you with a referral in your local area.
Talk to a Counselor
If you need further guidance and encouragement, we have a staff of licensed, professional counselors
who offer a one-time complimentary consultation from a Christian perspective. They can also refer you to counselors in your area for ongoing assistance.
Reach a counselor toll-free at 1-855-771-HELP (4357).
The post Sex Is Not About Waiting: Everything You Need to Know About Premarital Sex appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...