Decades ago, just after the Soviet Union dissolved, I traveled to Ukraine to speak to a group of 400 pastors. These shepherds experienced a new freedom and zealously served the Lord. It was not uncommon for them to ride miles from village to village on bikes, preaching the gospel and starting churches while caring for their flocks. It was like the book of Acts was being lived again! The organizer of the conference, even though thankful for their zeal, was concerned that they were neglecting their families. They seemed to take their wives and families for granted, not giving them the same attention as their ministry.
When I spoke to these zealous men, I focused on the qualifications of an elder in I Timothy 3, which says an “overseer must be above reproach” (verse 3) and “manage his own household well” (verse 4). Paul challenged them to be loving shepherds of their families, not neglectful in light of another call. I told stories of famous American pastors who left their ministries because of marriage issues, hoping they could learn from these mistakes. Stay tuned for the rest of the story and a surprise ending.
The topic of pastors’ families and busyness in ministry moves me deeply because of being a second-generation pastor. Yes, I’m a PK. In addition, my wife and I have at least one son (possibly two) who could make it the third generation. I will spare you the details, but in my teenage years, I hated my father. At the core of this bitterness was the consuming thought that he had time for everyone else except his family. I was left to grow up on my own. Let me assure you, that was not a good idea. It is a miracle that we’re in ministry. You will be relieved to know that because of the grace of the gospel and forgiveness, my father and I reconciled, and many of my concerns as a teenager became unimportant.
When we realized that the Lord had designed us for ministry, it was crucial for us to have discussions about how to serve Him diligently while also being faithful to our family. We have developed the conviction (and I hope it’s encouraging) that your family can thrive —not just survive—in ministry. For this to happen, pastors must shepherd their families to meet biblical qualifications and out of love.
The main culprit for why ministry families don’t thrive is that a pastor’s priorities get out of balance, and ministry becomes a chief identity.
The question of whether the ministry or the Lord of the ministry is my chief identity is an important one. It is easy to confuse them! As I’m sure you realize, humans naturally tend toward false worship as we seek satisfaction and fulfillment in life.
The New City Catechism defines idolatry as “…Trusting in created things rather than the Creator for our hope and happiness, significance and security.” There are many things to unpack there, but think about the words “significance and security.”
Has ministry become your chief means of significance and security? How do you tell?
What you are worshipping will be apparent to and impactful on your children. It is hard to comprehend how the people of God could get to this point, but in the Old Testament, the Israelites sacrificed their children on altars. Jeremiah 17:1-3 is a prime example, vividly demonstrating how children experience the brunt of parents’ priorities, just as I did with my father.
Shepherd, are you sacrificing your children on the altar of ministry? Or are you actively shepherding your family just as you actively shepherd your flock? A statement on parenting that helped us develop a shepherding and discipleship mentality with our family was “active parenthood, not passive.” This statement is not only about being involved in sports or other interests but also about caring discipleship.
Growing up in the church, I knew how busy it could be. The people, planning, programs, and problems can be all-consuming. One of our safeguards was to prioritize eating together each evening. We were purposeful at that meal. I often asked the children (we have six) what was the best part of their day and what caused them the most fear. My goal in asking this question was to stay tuned into their lives. Just as a shepherd watches over his flock and is aware of needs, I wanted to take an interest in their lives. This helped me know how to minister to them as well.
Are you tuned into the needs of your wife and children? As a shepherd, I must know my flock. If I do this with those outside my home, how much more should I be lovingly aware of what is happening inside my home?
One of the disciplines that profoundly impacted our family was a regular time to connect through family worship. We have wonderful memories of singing, studying scripture, reading books, and even doing skits multiple times a week. I was passionate about discipling my children because I didn’t want the world to. If I’m to lead others in worship on Sunday, why wouldn’t I lead my family to live as worshipers throughout the week?
Many pastors know this issue is a serious one. They have heard the warnings but may tend to go too far and neglect the congregation. It’s necessary to strike a healthy balance between the two. Please remember you’re not paid to invest in your family; you are paid to care for a flock.
What is the balance? Sacrificial hard work in both areas. My goal through the years was no more than 50 hours of work. My rationale was, “if my flock has jobs that require 40 hours, and then they served the church on top of that, I should, too. This means I must set an example and work 50 hours a week. If I went beyond 50 hours, it was hard to stay connected with my family and take care of my own body and soul.” Maybe your capacities are different than mine, but this guideline helped me.
I was warned in seminary, “If you lose your family, you lose your ministry.” This captures the Lord’s standard in I Timothy 3. Please shepherd your family, not just to meet this qualification but because you love the most intimate members of your flock.
I loved being a daddy and now love being a dad and grandpa. As John says, “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.”
Now back to the pastor’s conference. At the end of my message, a pastor stood in the back and began yelling. I turned to my translator and asked, “What is he saying?” He said, “You don’t want to know.” I later found out that he was rebuking me and yelling that marriage issues for pastors were an American problem and that they would not have these problems with their families. Unfortunately, time has told a different story.
The post Shepherds, Pastor Your Family appeared first on Focus on the Family.
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When I spoke to these zealous men, I focused on the qualifications of an elder in I Timothy 3, which says an “overseer must be above reproach” (verse 3) and “manage his own household well” (verse 4). Paul challenged them to be loving shepherds of their families, not neglectful in light of another call. I told stories of famous American pastors who left their ministries because of marriage issues, hoping they could learn from these mistakes. Stay tuned for the rest of the story and a surprise ending.
The topic of pastors’ families and busyness in ministry moves me deeply because of being a second-generation pastor. Yes, I’m a PK. In addition, my wife and I have at least one son (possibly two) who could make it the third generation. I will spare you the details, but in my teenage years, I hated my father. At the core of this bitterness was the consuming thought that he had time for everyone else except his family. I was left to grow up on my own. Let me assure you, that was not a good idea. It is a miracle that we’re in ministry. You will be relieved to know that because of the grace of the gospel and forgiveness, my father and I reconciled, and many of my concerns as a teenager became unimportant.
When we realized that the Lord had designed us for ministry, it was crucial for us to have discussions about how to serve Him diligently while also being faithful to our family. We have developed the conviction (and I hope it’s encouraging) that your family can thrive —not just survive—in ministry. For this to happen, pastors must shepherd their families to meet biblical qualifications and out of love.
It’s Easy for Ministry to Become an Idol
The main culprit for why ministry families don’t thrive is that a pastor’s priorities get out of balance, and ministry becomes a chief identity.
The question of whether the ministry or the Lord of the ministry is my chief identity is an important one. It is easy to confuse them! As I’m sure you realize, humans naturally tend toward false worship as we seek satisfaction and fulfillment in life.
The New City Catechism defines idolatry as “…Trusting in created things rather than the Creator for our hope and happiness, significance and security.” There are many things to unpack there, but think about the words “significance and security.”
Has ministry become your chief means of significance and security? How do you tell?
What you are worshipping will be apparent to and impactful on your children. It is hard to comprehend how the people of God could get to this point, but in the Old Testament, the Israelites sacrificed their children on altars. Jeremiah 17:1-3 is a prime example, vividly demonstrating how children experience the brunt of parents’ priorities, just as I did with my father.
Shepherd, are you sacrificing your children on the altar of ministry? Or are you actively shepherding your family just as you actively shepherd your flock? A statement on parenting that helped us develop a shepherding and discipleship mentality with our family was “active parenthood, not passive.” This statement is not only about being involved in sports or other interests but also about caring discipleship.
Stay Tuned In
Growing up in the church, I knew how busy it could be. The people, planning, programs, and problems can be all-consuming. One of our safeguards was to prioritize eating together each evening. We were purposeful at that meal. I often asked the children (we have six) what was the best part of their day and what caused them the most fear. My goal in asking this question was to stay tuned into their lives. Just as a shepherd watches over his flock and is aware of needs, I wanted to take an interest in their lives. This helped me know how to minister to them as well.
Are you tuned into the needs of your wife and children? As a shepherd, I must know my flock. If I do this with those outside my home, how much more should I be lovingly aware of what is happening inside my home?
Consider Family Worship
One of the disciplines that profoundly impacted our family was a regular time to connect through family worship. We have wonderful memories of singing, studying scripture, reading books, and even doing skits multiple times a week. I was passionate about discipling my children because I didn’t want the world to. If I’m to lead others in worship on Sunday, why wouldn’t I lead my family to live as worshipers throughout the week?
A Caution about Balance
Many pastors know this issue is a serious one. They have heard the warnings but may tend to go too far and neglect the congregation. It’s necessary to strike a healthy balance between the two. Please remember you’re not paid to invest in your family; you are paid to care for a flock.
What is the balance? Sacrificial hard work in both areas. My goal through the years was no more than 50 hours of work. My rationale was, “if my flock has jobs that require 40 hours, and then they served the church on top of that, I should, too. This means I must set an example and work 50 hours a week. If I went beyond 50 hours, it was hard to stay connected with my family and take care of my own body and soul.” Maybe your capacities are different than mine, but this guideline helped me.
I was warned in seminary, “If you lose your family, you lose your ministry.” This captures the Lord’s standard in I Timothy 3. Please shepherd your family, not just to meet this qualification but because you love the most intimate members of your flock.
I loved being a daddy and now love being a dad and grandpa. As John says, “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.”
Now back to the pastor’s conference. At the end of my message, a pastor stood in the back and began yelling. I turned to my translator and asked, “What is he saying?” He said, “You don’t want to know.” I later found out that he was rebuking me and yelling that marriage issues for pastors were an American problem and that they would not have these problems with their families. Unfortunately, time has told a different story.
The post Shepherds, Pastor Your Family appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...