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Dear Dr. Bill: My boyfriend and I are both from broken homes and want to divorce-proof our future marriage. Is living together a good test for future compatibility? Does living together build a stronger marriage? Should couples live together at all?
Many young people are asking that question these days. According to the National Marriage Project, about 60 percent of young adults in America say they plan to live together before marriage. Many of them grew up in homes where divorce occurred, and they experienced tremendous pain and insecurity as a result of their parents’ breakup. They are determined not to repeat their parents’ mistakes and desire to find a “soul mate” to whom they will be married for life.
You and your boyfriend may believe that living together is a good way to find out if you are compatible—a “test drive” that will improve your chances for marital success. While this seems to make sense intuitively, actually, the opposite is true. Research indicates that couples who cohabit before marriage have a 50 percent higher divorce rate than those who don’t. These couples also have higher rates of domestic violence and are more likely to be involved in sexual affairs. If a cohabiting couple gets pregnant, there is a high probability that the man will leave the relationship within two years, resulting in a single mom raising a fatherless child.
The best way to test your compatibility for marriage is to date for at least one year before engagement and participate in a structured, premarital counseling program, which includes psychological testing.
Dear Dr. Bill: I heard you on Weekend Magazine talking about dating for a year before marriage and not living together. Why is this important if both persons are spiritual, have great faith in Jesus Christ, respect each other, have morals and values, etc.? Also, you said we should participate in a structured marriage counseling session. I think this one is a very good idea. What other suggestions do you have for couples who plan to get married?
Thanks for your letter. Yes, a few months ago, I mentioned that many couples today believe that living together is a good way to find out if they are compatible—sort of a “test drive” that will improve their chances for marital success. While this seems to make sense, the opposite is true.
When answering the question, “Should couples live together?” couples need to examine the possible repercussions of doing so. The latest research indicates that couples who cohabit before marriage have a 50–80 percent higher divorce rate than those who don’t. These couples also have higher rates of domestic violence and are more likely to be involved in sexual affairs. If a cohabiting couple gets pregnant, there is a high probability that the man will leave the relationship within two years, resulting in a single mom raising a fatherless child.
As a Christian, it’s important for you to know that God has some very specific things to say about sex outside of marriage. Sexuality is a marvelous gift that He has given us. But the Bible clearly tells us that it is to be expressed within the context of marriage. There are many scriptures that address this issue. One of them is found in the book of Thessalonians. It says: “It’s God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality, that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen who do not know God.” As I mentioned earlier, when we venture outside of God’s design in this area, the consequences can be devastating.
I would encourage you and your boyfriend to remain sexually pure until marriage. If you are already living together, you need to know that God considers that a sin, and it’s important that you ask His forgiveness and then take seriously what He tells us in His Word.
To answer the second part of your question, I believe that premarital counseling is vital for every couple who is thinking about getting married. One of the best programs I know is called Prepare and Enrich. It has an 80 percent success rate at predicting which couples will succeed and which couples will be divorced within three years.
I also believe it’s critical to date for at least one full year before getting engaged. Many couples who are in love rush into things, sometimes with disastrous consequences. If you think about it, what is 52 weeks when you’re planning to spend the rest of your lives together? Some people won’t agree with me, but I also don’t believe it’s wise to get married until you’re at least in your early to mid-20s. The research shows that couples who wait until they are at least 23 have a much lower divorce rate than those who marry younger. Getting married at 18 may have worked for our parents or grandparents, but young people today live in a very different world, one with a divorce rate close to 45 percent.
Al and Alicia just celebrated their tenth wedding anniversary. When they met, Alicia was a brand new believer, and Al was a non-Christian. They became intimate almost immediately and lived together for a time before getting married.
“We slept together on the second date,” said Alicia. “There was no hesitation; it just seemed like what you do.”
“We never articulated sex as bad because we were not married,” said Al. “So it was perplexing to me why Alicia felt the way she did. There was this deep sadness in her, and she’d cry during intimate times. On my part, it took me a long time to figure out how to be in a sexual relationship that didn’t involve objectification. So on the one hand, Alicia is experiencing tremendous regret, emptiness and scarring. And I have totally different expectations. I was this guy that had to learn it wasn’t about having fun sex all of the time.”
Alicia and Al spoke of the difficulties in their relationship and how they eventually carried those into marriage.
“It’s a miracle we made it through those first years,” said Alicia. “We were on a different page for so long; it took me time to work through memories and the choices I made pre-marriage.
The experience Al and Alicia had is all too common in cohabitating relationships. According to The National Marriage Project, an estimated half of all couples now live together before they marry. The fact that Al and Alicia married at all and are still together is a testament to their vibrant faith in Christ.
Unfortunately, many couples don’t fare the same. In fact, study after study shows that cohabitation is linked to poorer marital communication, lower marital satisfaction, higher levels of domestic violence, and a greater chance of divorce.
Young people today are cynical concerning the validity and longevity of the marital union. Indeed, with fifty percent of all marriages ending in divorce, men and women believe it’s a good idea to try out different partners.
“Couples say that they need to kick the tires a little before settling down,” says Dr. Brad Wilcox, an associate professor of sociology at the University of Virginia and director of the Marriage Matters Project. “But what they don’t understand is that once you adopt a consumer mentality, you undercut marriage and open yourself up to marital breakup and unhappiness.”
This assertion is backed up by plenty of research, including a 2002 report issued by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention’s National Center for Health Statistics that states, “The probability of a first marriage ending in separation or divorce within 5 years is 20 percent while the probability of a premarital cohabitation breaking up within 5 years is 49 percent. After 10 years, the probability of a first marriage ending is 33 percent, compared with 62 percent for cohabitation.”
When couples are asking if they should live together, they need to look at the level of commitment they are bringing to the relationship. One of the biggest reasons why marriage is more successful than cohabitation is commitment. With marriage, you make a pledge before God, your family, and friends. Everyone knows you’re married; it’s a public declaration. In marriage, you’re more likely to make sacrifices for your mate and to strive to make the relationship work. Additionally, divorce is costly, both emotionally and financially. By its very nature, cohabitation encourages a lack of commitment and independence and is an easy out for the partner who wants to pack a suitcase and leave.
According to Dr. Scott Stanley, a professor of Family and Marital Studies at the University of Denver, another reason to avoid cohabitation is what he calls “relationship inertia.” “People who are cohabiting might end up marrying somebody they might not otherwise have married,” he says. In essence, they’re “sliding, not deciding.”
Dr. Wilcox says that young men and women today think about marriage as the “Cadillac of relationships.” “They want everything established, including the perfect relationship, house, and income,” he says. “Thirty years ago, someone cohabitated with a future spouse and were married within six months. Now, men and women are having more relationships and becoming habituated to starting intimate relationships, breaking up, and starting over. It’s setting up a pattern of failure and not preparing them for a lifelong relationship.”
Cohabitation and habitual cohabitation not only involve fornication (Hebrews 13:4), which violates Scripture, but it also gives your heart away to someone that God has not joined with you. Indeed, we are admonished, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23).
Alicia and Al now have three young boys and a thriving relationship.
“Marriage would have been a tremendous event in our life had we waited and done things the right way,” said Al. “For me, that’s the biggest loss.”
“Getting married was like coming into this safe place suddenly,” said Alicia. “As a woman, most men look at you as something to be desired. Then I got married, and I had a safe place to be still and process.”
The post Should Couples Live Together Before Marriage? appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...
Dear Dr. Bill: My boyfriend and I are both from broken homes and want to divorce-proof our future marriage. Is living together a good test for future compatibility? Does living together build a stronger marriage? Should couples live together at all?
Many young people are asking that question these days. According to the National Marriage Project, about 60 percent of young adults in America say they plan to live together before marriage. Many of them grew up in homes where divorce occurred, and they experienced tremendous pain and insecurity as a result of their parents’ breakup. They are determined not to repeat their parents’ mistakes and desire to find a “soul mate” to whom they will be married for life.
You and your boyfriend may believe that living together is a good way to find out if you are compatible—a “test drive” that will improve your chances for marital success. While this seems to make sense intuitively, actually, the opposite is true. Research indicates that couples who cohabit before marriage have a 50 percent higher divorce rate than those who don’t. These couples also have higher rates of domestic violence and are more likely to be involved in sexual affairs. If a cohabiting couple gets pregnant, there is a high probability that the man will leave the relationship within two years, resulting in a single mom raising a fatherless child.
The best way to test your compatibility for marriage is to date for at least one year before engagement and participate in a structured, premarital counseling program, which includes psychological testing.
Should Couples Live Together?
Dear Dr. Bill: I heard you on Weekend Magazine talking about dating for a year before marriage and not living together. Why is this important if both persons are spiritual, have great faith in Jesus Christ, respect each other, have morals and values, etc.? Also, you said we should participate in a structured marriage counseling session. I think this one is a very good idea. What other suggestions do you have for couples who plan to get married?
Thanks for your letter. Yes, a few months ago, I mentioned that many couples today believe that living together is a good way to find out if they are compatible—sort of a “test drive” that will improve their chances for marital success. While this seems to make sense, the opposite is true.
When answering the question, “Should couples live together?” couples need to examine the possible repercussions of doing so. The latest research indicates that couples who cohabit before marriage have a 50–80 percent higher divorce rate than those who don’t. These couples also have higher rates of domestic violence and are more likely to be involved in sexual affairs. If a cohabiting couple gets pregnant, there is a high probability that the man will leave the relationship within two years, resulting in a single mom raising a fatherless child.
What Does the Bible Say About Living Together Before Marriage?
As a Christian, it’s important for you to know that God has some very specific things to say about sex outside of marriage. Sexuality is a marvelous gift that He has given us. But the Bible clearly tells us that it is to be expressed within the context of marriage. There are many scriptures that address this issue. One of them is found in the book of Thessalonians. It says: “It’s God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality, that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen who do not know God.” As I mentioned earlier, when we venture outside of God’s design in this area, the consequences can be devastating.
I would encourage you and your boyfriend to remain sexually pure until marriage. If you are already living together, you need to know that God considers that a sin, and it’s important that you ask His forgiveness and then take seriously what He tells us in His Word.
Premarital Counseling
To answer the second part of your question, I believe that premarital counseling is vital for every couple who is thinking about getting married. One of the best programs I know is called Prepare and Enrich. It has an 80 percent success rate at predicting which couples will succeed and which couples will be divorced within three years.
I also believe it’s critical to date for at least one full year before getting engaged. Many couples who are in love rush into things, sometimes with disastrous consequences. If you think about it, what is 52 weeks when you’re planning to spend the rest of your lives together? Some people won’t agree with me, but I also don’t believe it’s wise to get married until you’re at least in your early to mid-20s. The research shows that couples who wait until they are at least 23 have a much lower divorce rate than those who marry younger. Getting married at 18 may have worked for our parents or grandparents, but young people today live in a very different world, one with a divorce rate close to 45 percent.
Al and Alicia’s Story
Al and Alicia just celebrated their tenth wedding anniversary. When they met, Alicia was a brand new believer, and Al was a non-Christian. They became intimate almost immediately and lived together for a time before getting married.
“We slept together on the second date,” said Alicia. “There was no hesitation; it just seemed like what you do.”
“We never articulated sex as bad because we were not married,” said Al. “So it was perplexing to me why Alicia felt the way she did. There was this deep sadness in her, and she’d cry during intimate times. On my part, it took me a long time to figure out how to be in a sexual relationship that didn’t involve objectification. So on the one hand, Alicia is experiencing tremendous regret, emptiness and scarring. And I have totally different expectations. I was this guy that had to learn it wasn’t about having fun sex all of the time.”
Alicia and Al spoke of the difficulties in their relationship and how they eventually carried those into marriage.
“It’s a miracle we made it through those first years,” said Alicia. “We were on a different page for so long; it took me time to work through memories and the choices I made pre-marriage.
The Effects of Living Together Before Marriage
The experience Al and Alicia had is all too common in cohabitating relationships. According to The National Marriage Project, an estimated half of all couples now live together before they marry. The fact that Al and Alicia married at all and are still together is a testament to their vibrant faith in Christ.
Unfortunately, many couples don’t fare the same. In fact, study after study shows that cohabitation is linked to poorer marital communication, lower marital satisfaction, higher levels of domestic violence, and a greater chance of divorce.
Young people today are cynical concerning the validity and longevity of the marital union. Indeed, with fifty percent of all marriages ending in divorce, men and women believe it’s a good idea to try out different partners.
“Couples say that they need to kick the tires a little before settling down,” says Dr. Brad Wilcox, an associate professor of sociology at the University of Virginia and director of the Marriage Matters Project. “But what they don’t understand is that once you adopt a consumer mentality, you undercut marriage and open yourself up to marital breakup and unhappiness.”
This assertion is backed up by plenty of research, including a 2002 report issued by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention’s National Center for Health Statistics that states, “The probability of a first marriage ending in separation or divorce within 5 years is 20 percent while the probability of a premarital cohabitation breaking up within 5 years is 49 percent. After 10 years, the probability of a first marriage ending is 33 percent, compared with 62 percent for cohabitation.”
The Importance of Commitment
When couples are asking if they should live together, they need to look at the level of commitment they are bringing to the relationship. One of the biggest reasons why marriage is more successful than cohabitation is commitment. With marriage, you make a pledge before God, your family, and friends. Everyone knows you’re married; it’s a public declaration. In marriage, you’re more likely to make sacrifices for your mate and to strive to make the relationship work. Additionally, divorce is costly, both emotionally and financially. By its very nature, cohabitation encourages a lack of commitment and independence and is an easy out for the partner who wants to pack a suitcase and leave.
According to Dr. Scott Stanley, a professor of Family and Marital Studies at the University of Denver, another reason to avoid cohabitation is what he calls “relationship inertia.” “People who are cohabiting might end up marrying somebody they might not otherwise have married,” he says. In essence, they’re “sliding, not deciding.”
Dr. Wilcox says that young men and women today think about marriage as the “Cadillac of relationships.” “They want everything established, including the perfect relationship, house, and income,” he says. “Thirty years ago, someone cohabitated with a future spouse and were married within six months. Now, men and women are having more relationships and becoming habituated to starting intimate relationships, breaking up, and starting over. It’s setting up a pattern of failure and not preparing them for a lifelong relationship.”
Cohabitation and habitual cohabitation not only involve fornication (Hebrews 13:4), which violates Scripture, but it also gives your heart away to someone that God has not joined with you. Indeed, we are admonished, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23).
Closing Thoughts From Al and Alicia
Alicia and Al now have three young boys and a thriving relationship.
“Marriage would have been a tremendous event in our life had we waited and done things the right way,” said Al. “For me, that’s the biggest loss.”
“Getting married was like coming into this safe place suddenly,” said Alicia. “As a woman, most men look at you as something to be desired. Then I got married, and I had a safe place to be still and process.”
The post Should Couples Live Together Before Marriage? appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...