Should I Tell OW spouse?

[ladyt]

I pulled my husband's cell phone bills for the last 6 months. 80% of the calls is to/from of a current female co-worker. 95% of text messages is to/from her.

I spoke to her 4 months ago and she said she did not know it was a problem and would cease. She lied. Her husband travels a lot.

My husband left me and his 16 yr old daughter 3 weeks ago. I went in to legal and tried for a legal separation but in my state there is no such thing. You're either marriage or divorced. Also I cannot stop him from moving back as his name is on the deed and he is not physically harming me. I want to share the phone and text messaging report with her and her husband together.

He was told by a co-worker to move back home and he probably will but against my will. I shared with him that we would be engaged in counseling before he returned. He said that would NEVER happen.

 

[handy]

Adultery is one of the reasons Jesus gives for divorce, so there is nothing unBiblical about seeking a legal divorce. If you want a separation, you might also look to either moving with your daughter out of the house, perhaps there are family members you could stay with while transitioning. Or you could contact your church to see if they can help in anyway.

You also need to ask some tough questions. If he is deciding to move back in, and you don't want a divorce, you're going to have to work out some kind of arrangement that will be based on better communication. Why is he having an affair and leaving his wife and child? I know that the knee jerk reaction is that the guy is a bum, but perhaps he has had some reasons why he did what he did, and if the two of you can dialog together you might begin to rebuild your marriage. Is he a Christian and are you? If the two of you are believers, then even if he isn't willing to get marital counseling, he should at least be willing to seek out God's answers for your marriage problems.

As to sitting down with the OW and her spouse? To what purpose? To break up her marriage? That's not a very good reason. If you truly believe that the other husband needs to know, and that it's necessary for you to be the one to tell him, then a simple letter or phone call with the straight facts is all you need to do. Let them hash out their problems together. But, to vengefully tell her husband just to cause her the pain you're going through now isn't honoring to God.

Frankly, if it was me, I'd move my daughter and myself out of the house as soon as he moved back in, and if he was unwilling to dialog with either me or a counselor about the adultery, I'd be calling the divorce lawyers.

Marriages can come back from affairs, I know because it happened with my own parents. After the dust settled, their marriage was much stronger than before. But, it's going to take some willingness on both of your parts to work towards some answers, and it won't be helpful if you play the victim here. There are indeed two sides to the story, so find out what his is. Maybe the man you loved enough to make a child with really is a jerk. Or, perhaps there are other things happening that the two of you can work out.

 

[heather]

I think that it could possibly be a toxic situation to tell the OW husband, but if you were in his shoes, wouldn't you want to know? It could also be an important step in healing your relationship with your husband. The very first thing that I would recommend would be to start SERIOUSLY PRAYING for your husband. Bringing all of your problems to God is what He requires us to do. Do not forget your wedding vows, even if your husband did forget his. Seek God's will for your marriage and your relationship with your hubby before seeking your own will. Remember first and foremost that God loves us, wants the best for us, and He will NEVER EVER steer us in the wrong direction.