Teens and boyfriends

[Nikki]

My 13 year old has her first boyfriend. I can't control what goes on while they are in school but I can control what goes on out of school. All her friends are constantly being dropped off places unattended and I refuse to let that happen. I read their facebook pages and see what they're up to....I'm not stupid.

I finally caved and let her go bowling with him last night. BUT I went also. The boys mom said she would be there with them, but I knew nothing about his family and no way was I dropping my daughter off at a bowling alley with them! So, despite my daughters complaints of "You don't trust me, I'm not a baby, etc" I stayed with them.

I must say that we had a WONDERFUL time! His mom and I really clicked, the boy is super nice and they are a Christian family looking for a new church. They moved here from another state 2 1/2 years ago and still haven't found a church home. They are going to be visiting our church this week. Before bed, my daughter hugged me, kissed me and said "Thank you so much for taking me tonight and I'm glad you stayed".

My question is:
Is it a bad idea to allow a 13 year old to go on chaperoned "dates" like this one where both sets of parents are there?

 

[pjt]

My 13 year old has her first boyfriend. I can't control what goes on while they are in school but I can control what goes on out of school. All her friends are constantly being dropped off places unattended and I refuse to let that happen. I read their facebook pages and see what they're up to....I'm not stupid.

I finally caved and let her go bowling with him last night. BUT I went also. The boys mom said she would be there with them, but I knew nothing about his family and no way was I drooping my daughter off at a bowling alley with them! So, despite my daughters complaints of "You don't trust me, I'm not a baby, etc" I stayed with them.

I must say that we had a WONDERFUL time! His mom and I really clicked, the boy is super nice and they are a Christian family looking for a new church. They moved here from another state 2 1/2 years ago and still haven't found a church home. They are going to be visiting our church this week. Before bed, my daughter hugged me, kissed me and said "Thank you so much for taking me tonight and I'm glad you stayed".

My question is:
Is it a bad idea to allow a 13 year old to go on chaperoned "dates" like this one where both sets of parents are there?

I`d much prefer a chaperoned date than them sneaking off and doing their own thing. When I was young, usually the age parents let kids date was 16, but at school boys and girls were already "going together" when they were 13 and even though they could not officially date most got their first FRENCH kisses behind the band room during break or after school. Now a days I think the dating age has been lowered, but my point is at 13 the hormones are already going and kids if they feel attractions are going to get together one way or another so if they are, I would much rather it to be in a supervised setting where I could meet the other family, and the boy could see your daughter has a mom that values her so he is more likely to treat your daughter with value. It also keeps the lines of communitcation open between you and your daughter so you can openly talk to her about what God expects from a boy/girl relationship.

Fortunately, my children aren`t at the dating stage yet and I`d be perfectly happy if they waited until they finished all of schooling before taking an interest in dating, but if the bug bites them earlier, I`d rather things be out in the open than sneaking around.

It sounds like you handled things very well and won the respect and trust of your daughter which means a lot.

 

[PouringRain]

I think it sounds like you handled things well. Thank God that your daughter was able to gain a positive experience through it all as well.

 

[Nikki]

Thank you! I was afraid I was going to lead her to believe that she was going to be allowed to "date". We've already discussed dating with our girls and there is ZERO unsupervised dating until at least 16 and even then, we have to already know the boy AND his family.

I just want to keep the lines of communication open with my girls. I'd rather they tell me when they first kiss a boy than to sneak around. Times have changed and even if we teach them values, it doesn't guarantee us that our kids will listen. Parenting is SO hard!

 

[pjt]

Thank you! I was afraid I was going to lead her to believe that she was going to be allowed to "date". We've already discussed dating with our girls and there is ZERO unsupervised dating until at least 16 and even then, we have to already know the boy AND his family.

I just want to keep the lines of communication open with my girls. I'd rather they tell me when they first kiss a boy than to sneak around. Times have changed and even if we teach them values, it doesn't guarantee us that our kids will listen. Parenting is SO hard!

I agree it is very hard, but it sounds like you are doing a good job and are paving out a good path for your children!!!

 

[handy]

Well, if it would help, I could have my 13 year old tell your 13 year old how lucky she is that she can look forward to unchaperoned dates by the time she's 16, because we've already told our kids that all their dates will be either group date or chaperoned. Period.

About the trust issue, I've told my daughter (son too, but he's only 10 so it doesn't matter much to him at this point) that it is NOT a "trust" issue. If I didn't trust her or trust the boy, they wouldn't be allowed to date at all.

What it (the chaperoning) is, is a response to the day and age we live in where sex at 13 is pretty normal, where the pressure to lose one's virginity as soon as possible is stronger than ever before and most kids are so confused and pressured about sex they just don't really know what to do. If mom or dad is on the date...all that confusion and pressure just goes away. If a guy really likes her, it won't matter to him if we are somewhere in the theater, or at the bowling alley, or in the restaurant. If it matters so much to him that he would break up with her over it, then just what was expecting to do anyway?

I'm pretty open and somewhat blunt with my kids. And, I've asked my daughter this question: "In this day and age where teen pregnancies and STD's are through the roof...does it sound like a good idea to send two hormonally charged people who are very attracted to each other off by themselves for a few hours alone?

She sees the sense in it, even if she doesn't like it much.

Just to let you know how wise this is, let me tell you about a "date" my daughter went on last year...the big date was that they would walk over to the library from the church where I was working, about half a block away. Her little brother was to walk with them. While they were walking the young man in question managed to fall in a mud puddle. So, instead of walking to the library, they sat down at the school on a bench (the school being between the church and library). He called his aunt and asked her to bring him some clothes. He then asked my son to stand by the road so she could see where they were, leaving him and my daughter where they could be seen but not heard, for a period of about 5 minutes. In that 5 minutes, just 5 minutes sitting by a busy road, on the school campus where staff was working, and being fully visible by my son the entire time, he managed to tell my daughter that he wasn't a virgin and asked her if she was. She told him she was and that she was planning on remaining one for a long, long time. She would not have gone out with him again, if he asked, but the thing is, he didn't ask. It was a good lesson for her.

Stick to your guns on this one, Nikki. Even your daughter now realizes that chaperoned dates are still a lot of fun.

...and yes, I think it's OK to let them go on chaperoned dates at 13. The most important thing is to keep that communication flowing and let her know that she can tell you anything. The more you work with what she wants to do, the easier it is.

At least, that's what I've found out so far...my daughter is turning 14 in July...we still have a long ways to go!