G
Gary
Guest
The Hidden Teachings of the Secret Gospel of Buddha
By David Wood, President and Founder of the Buddha Seminar
Since there has been such a scholarly upheaval over the recent discovery of the once lost “Secret Gospel of Buddha,†and since I am the world’s leading authority on this topic, I have decided to enlighten my readers as to the message of this treasured work. With that goal in mind, I shall begin this discussion with a description of the amazing archaeological find that gave us this gospel.
Discovery of the Millennium!
One of the greatest archaeologists of our time, Dr. Rippleton Oopingfoth III, had been searching for Secret Gospel of Buddha for decades before suddenly stumbling upon it near his home in Butte, Montana. “I had noticed as a college student that there was no mention of any ‘Gospel of Buddha’ in antiquity, and this concerned me,†said Dr. Oopingfoth in a private interview. “It seemed to me that there should be a ‘Gospel of Buddha.’ Jesus and Buddha were two of the greatest religious figures in history, and so it makes sense to think that they must have talked quite a bit with one another. Startled by this insight, I concluded that Buddha must have written a document describing some of the teachings that came out of these secret conversations with Jesus. Since there were no historical records of such a book having ever existed, I realized that the early Christian church must have covered up all traces of it. I spent most of my life looking for Buddha’s secret gospel, so you can imagine how pleased I was when I found it lying in my own backyard!â€Â
Dating the Gospel
While most scholars would date the Gospel of Buddha at somewhere around the year AD 2005, the self-proclaimed members of the Buddha Seminar disagree. We believe GB is extremely early, dating to the first century AD at the latest. Our reasoning is simple. Jesus lived during the first century AD, and Buddha lived during the sixth century BC; thus, their conversations couldn’t have taken place any later than the time of Jesus. Buddha would have written his gospel shortly thereafter. We voted on this date using different colored tablets of TUMS® antacid. Four pink tablets from the members of the Buddha seminarâ€â€Daniel Matthews, Bryan Peterson, Sophia De Morgan, and myselfâ€â€indicate the high probability of our being correct. In order to confirm our reasoning, we placed three different foods in front of Cletus, my pet monkey. The first was a plate of steamed okra, which we marked “2005.†The next was a bowl of uncooked rice, marked “6th Century BC.†The final food was a ripe banana with “1st Century AD†written across the peel in magic marker. Cletus immediately went for the banana, proving our conjecture that, given the evidence, even a stupid monkey would conclude that GB is a first century work.
Of course, one might object to our date by pointing out that Buddha died centuries before Jesus was born in Palestine. But such an objection can easily be countered. First, this sort of objection is based on the same Western, logic-chopping, non-contradictory way of thinking that led the Nicene Council to exclude the Gnostic gospels from the Christian canon in the first place. They reasoned that, since none of the Gnostic texts came from anything even remotely resembling an eyewitness to Jesus’ teachings and deeds, the Gnostic texts should therefore be ruled out as authentic sources. However, the scholars of the Buddha Seminar believe (four pink tablets) that no one should be allowed to call any so-called Christian text “heresy†just because it doesn’t fit in with what actually happened in the first century. Therefore, people shouldn’t object to the Gospel of Buddha on the grounds that it “couldn’t have happened.â€Â
Second, I must also point out where such objections will ultimately lead a person. Someone who spends time analyzing the historical “evidence†for texts will have to conclude that the only eyewitness accounts we have of the life of Jesus are found in the New Testament. If people start believing the New Testament, they run the risk of becoming “orthodox†Christians, believing in doctrines such as the sacrificial death and resurrection of Jesus. These doctrines support the exclusivity of Christianity, which is something that open-minded, tolerant people should not tolerate. Thus, truly open-minded individuals should believe anything, no matter how ridiculous it sounds, rather than believe in the historical evidence about the life of Jesus.
Third, since there are no mentions of Buddha in the New Testament, we can conclude that the early writers of the Christian gospels were deliberately trying to exclude GB from early Christianity. This would put GB before the New Testament gospels, making it an extremely valuable source.
Finally, the opening verse of GB (see below) claims to be written during the first century. To question the authenticity of this statement would be tantamount to questioning the integrity of Buddha himself, and this would offend millions of Buddhists. The members of the Buddha Seminar feel that it is wrong to offend anyone (except, perhaps, orthodox Christians, who are to be constantly ridiculed).
The Difficulty of Translating GB
The scholars of the Buddha Seminar have been working nonstop for months to provide inquirers with an accurate English translation of the Gospel of Buddha, a text that was originally written in English. One may wonder how translating a text from English to English could be such a difficult task. I answer by noting that much of the Gospel of Buddha was written in a very difficult font (Lucida Sans Unicode, size 8) and that we are trying to translate the text into Times New Roman, size 12. In fact, our scholars are working diligently to translate GB into BOLD type by the time of this article’s publication, so that the verses will look even more impressive.
While we have only translated eight verses of GB (out of more than nine), we have decided to publish what we have translated thus far. I will follow this translation with concluding thoughts about some of the verses.
The Text of GB
There is much we can learn from this text; however, I will limit my discussion to a few short points. First, the opening verse mentions the moons of Jupiter, which were unknown during the first century. This proves, conclusively, that GB had a supernatural origin.
Second, it should also be noted that the opening verse is very inclusive, stating that the teachings listed here are for everyone. Contrast this with orthodox Christianity, which claims that we should all listen to what Jesus said just because he rose from the dead, performed miracles, and created the universe.
Third, the beginning of verse four sounds like some of the verses of the New Testament. This means that GB must have been drawn from some of the same sources from which those gospels were drawn, lending further support to the early date of GB.
Fourth, verse six says that women shall be saved by becoming men, and that people should avoid charity and fasting. This is inconsistent with orthodox Christianity, which teaches Christians to feed the hungry, to help the poor, to fast, and to pray. Yet this verse is completely consistent with the Gospel of Thomas, a second-century book that has recently been championed by a handful of scholars in our sister organization, the Jesus Seminar:
Jesus said to them, “If you fast, you will bring sin upon yourselves. If you pray, you will be condemned. If you give alms, you will harm your spirits†(14).
Simon Peter said to them, “Make Mary leave us, for females are not worthy of life.†Jesus said, “Look, I shall guide her to make her male, so that she too may become a living spirit resembling you males. For every female who makes herself male will enter the Kingdom of Heaven†(114).[1]
Finally, though verse eight looks important, the meaning of this esoteric passage is uncertain. It sounds as if Jesus is warning people about blindly trusting unsupported claims. This can’t be the meaning, however, since we feel that all teachings are good and true, except orthodox Christian teachings, which are both bad and false.
For valuable information about gospels similar to the Gospel of Buddha, see some of the recent works of their modern supporters. I recommend the following books as a supplement to the reasoning put forth in this article:
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PRAISE FOR DAVID WOOD’S ARTICLE
“THE HIDDEN TEACHINGS OF THE SECRET GOSPEL OF BUDDHAâ€Â
“This is the greatest article ever written! It is completely accurate in every way. Anyone who disagrees with it is simply a biased, intolerant bigot!†~Zach Tabor, Member of the Buddha Seminar
“This article is awesome! David Wood is the greatest scholar in the universe. In fact, he makes most other scholars look like morons!†~Daniel Matthews, Member of the Buddha Seminar
“David s brilliant, and so is his work! Real scholars will all agree that this article is phenomenal. This is the sort of stuff people drool over! People who disagree with the Buddha Seminar are self-righteous, hypocritical idiots!†~Sophia De Morgan, Member of the Buddha Seminar
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[1] Gospel of Thomas sayings are taken from Elaine Pagels, Beyond Belief: The Secret Gospel of Thomas (New York: Vintage Books, 2003).
-Source-
:wink:
By David Wood, President and Founder of the Buddha Seminar
Since there has been such a scholarly upheaval over the recent discovery of the once lost “Secret Gospel of Buddha,†and since I am the world’s leading authority on this topic, I have decided to enlighten my readers as to the message of this treasured work. With that goal in mind, I shall begin this discussion with a description of the amazing archaeological find that gave us this gospel.
Discovery of the Millennium!
One of the greatest archaeologists of our time, Dr. Rippleton Oopingfoth III, had been searching for Secret Gospel of Buddha for decades before suddenly stumbling upon it near his home in Butte, Montana. “I had noticed as a college student that there was no mention of any ‘Gospel of Buddha’ in antiquity, and this concerned me,†said Dr. Oopingfoth in a private interview. “It seemed to me that there should be a ‘Gospel of Buddha.’ Jesus and Buddha were two of the greatest religious figures in history, and so it makes sense to think that they must have talked quite a bit with one another. Startled by this insight, I concluded that Buddha must have written a document describing some of the teachings that came out of these secret conversations with Jesus. Since there were no historical records of such a book having ever existed, I realized that the early Christian church must have covered up all traces of it. I spent most of my life looking for Buddha’s secret gospel, so you can imagine how pleased I was when I found it lying in my own backyard!â€Â
Dating the Gospel
While most scholars would date the Gospel of Buddha at somewhere around the year AD 2005, the self-proclaimed members of the Buddha Seminar disagree. We believe GB is extremely early, dating to the first century AD at the latest. Our reasoning is simple. Jesus lived during the first century AD, and Buddha lived during the sixth century BC; thus, their conversations couldn’t have taken place any later than the time of Jesus. Buddha would have written his gospel shortly thereafter. We voted on this date using different colored tablets of TUMS® antacid. Four pink tablets from the members of the Buddha seminarâ€â€Daniel Matthews, Bryan Peterson, Sophia De Morgan, and myselfâ€â€indicate the high probability of our being correct. In order to confirm our reasoning, we placed three different foods in front of Cletus, my pet monkey. The first was a plate of steamed okra, which we marked “2005.†The next was a bowl of uncooked rice, marked “6th Century BC.†The final food was a ripe banana with “1st Century AD†written across the peel in magic marker. Cletus immediately went for the banana, proving our conjecture that, given the evidence, even a stupid monkey would conclude that GB is a first century work.
Of course, one might object to our date by pointing out that Buddha died centuries before Jesus was born in Palestine. But such an objection can easily be countered. First, this sort of objection is based on the same Western, logic-chopping, non-contradictory way of thinking that led the Nicene Council to exclude the Gnostic gospels from the Christian canon in the first place. They reasoned that, since none of the Gnostic texts came from anything even remotely resembling an eyewitness to Jesus’ teachings and deeds, the Gnostic texts should therefore be ruled out as authentic sources. However, the scholars of the Buddha Seminar believe (four pink tablets) that no one should be allowed to call any so-called Christian text “heresy†just because it doesn’t fit in with what actually happened in the first century. Therefore, people shouldn’t object to the Gospel of Buddha on the grounds that it “couldn’t have happened.â€Â
Second, I must also point out where such objections will ultimately lead a person. Someone who spends time analyzing the historical “evidence†for texts will have to conclude that the only eyewitness accounts we have of the life of Jesus are found in the New Testament. If people start believing the New Testament, they run the risk of becoming “orthodox†Christians, believing in doctrines such as the sacrificial death and resurrection of Jesus. These doctrines support the exclusivity of Christianity, which is something that open-minded, tolerant people should not tolerate. Thus, truly open-minded individuals should believe anything, no matter how ridiculous it sounds, rather than believe in the historical evidence about the life of Jesus.
Third, since there are no mentions of Buddha in the New Testament, we can conclude that the early writers of the Christian gospels were deliberately trying to exclude GB from early Christianity. This would put GB before the New Testament gospels, making it an extremely valuable source.
Finally, the opening verse of GB (see below) claims to be written during the first century. To question the authenticity of this statement would be tantamount to questioning the integrity of Buddha himself, and this would offend millions of Buddhists. The members of the Buddha Seminar feel that it is wrong to offend anyone (except, perhaps, orthodox Christians, who are to be constantly ridiculed).
The Difficulty of Translating GB
The scholars of the Buddha Seminar have been working nonstop for months to provide inquirers with an accurate English translation of the Gospel of Buddha, a text that was originally written in English. One may wonder how translating a text from English to English could be such a difficult task. I answer by noting that much of the Gospel of Buddha was written in a very difficult font (Lucida Sans Unicode, size 8) and that we are trying to translate the text into Times New Roman, size 12. In fact, our scholars are working diligently to translate GB into BOLD type by the time of this article’s publication, so that the verses will look even more impressive.
While we have only translated eight verses of GB (out of more than nine), we have decided to publish what we have translated thus far. I will follow this translation with concluding thoughts about some of the verses.
The Text of GB
- 1 These are the secretive, private, confidential, discreet, cryptic, unuttered, unspoken, hush-hush teachings that Jesus revealed unto Buddha, when they met on one of the moons of Jupiter, which have now been revealed unto all men and women, Mormons and Muslims, and Americans and Europeans. And this Gospel was written by Buddha during the first century.
2 Behold! I, Buddha, spoke with Jesus on the sacred moon of the planet called “The Big Planet,†which is mostly gas with a solid core.
3 And I said unto him, “Jesus, can you reveal unto me the dark secrets of the hidden monadology?â€Â
4 And he said unto me, “Yes, Buddha, to you are the secrets of the Kingdom of Heaven revealed. But from others they shall be kept, so that weeping they shall not weep, and sleeping they shall not sleep, and peeping they shall not peep, and leaping they shall not leap, and sweeping they shall not sweep. Behold! The conglomeration of the sacred hypotenuse will differentiate the parallelogram, anytime the consanguinity doesn’t emulate the ordinary effervescence. Therefore the eccentricity of the aggregation will transubstantiate the perpendicular, and fulminate the perspicacity of the consequences. Do you understand this?â€Â
5 I answered, “Yea, Lord. But what about women?â€Â
6 Jesus replied, “The women shall all become men by having sex-change operations that will make them men. This will save their souls. But let them neither fast, nor pray, nor show mercy unto anyone, for these are the deeds that will lead one into the pits of Hell.â€Â
7 “Lord Jesus,†I said. “Tell me more about the Last Days.â€Â
8 Jesus answered, “In the Last Days, people will cling to many books in their efforts to avoid the truth. They will believe anyone who tells them to reject me as Lord, and many books will be written against me. People will think they are being ‘unique,’ or ‘tolerant,’ or ‘spiritual’ by rejecting the truth, but in doing so they shall become fools. And no one can make them listen, for they don’t want to listen. Anyone who writes books making ludicrous claims will sell many copies, because these are the claims people want to hear.â€Â
There is much we can learn from this text; however, I will limit my discussion to a few short points. First, the opening verse mentions the moons of Jupiter, which were unknown during the first century. This proves, conclusively, that GB had a supernatural origin.
Second, it should also be noted that the opening verse is very inclusive, stating that the teachings listed here are for everyone. Contrast this with orthodox Christianity, which claims that we should all listen to what Jesus said just because he rose from the dead, performed miracles, and created the universe.
Third, the beginning of verse four sounds like some of the verses of the New Testament. This means that GB must have been drawn from some of the same sources from which those gospels were drawn, lending further support to the early date of GB.
Fourth, verse six says that women shall be saved by becoming men, and that people should avoid charity and fasting. This is inconsistent with orthodox Christianity, which teaches Christians to feed the hungry, to help the poor, to fast, and to pray. Yet this verse is completely consistent with the Gospel of Thomas, a second-century book that has recently been championed by a handful of scholars in our sister organization, the Jesus Seminar:
Jesus said to them, “If you fast, you will bring sin upon yourselves. If you pray, you will be condemned. If you give alms, you will harm your spirits†(14).
Simon Peter said to them, “Make Mary leave us, for females are not worthy of life.†Jesus said, “Look, I shall guide her to make her male, so that she too may become a living spirit resembling you males. For every female who makes herself male will enter the Kingdom of Heaven†(114).[1]
Finally, though verse eight looks important, the meaning of this esoteric passage is uncertain. It sounds as if Jesus is warning people about blindly trusting unsupported claims. This can’t be the meaning, however, since we feel that all teachings are good and true, except orthodox Christian teachings, which are both bad and false.
For valuable information about gospels similar to the Gospel of Buddha, see some of the recent works of their modern supporters. I recommend the following books as a supplement to the reasoning put forth in this article:
- Crossan, John Dominic. The Essential Jesus (San Francisco: Harper Collins, 1989).
Funk, Robert. The Five Gospels: The Search for the Authentic Words of Jesus (San Francisco: Harper Collins, 1996).
Pagels, Elaine. Beyond Belief: The Secret Gospel of Thomas (New York: Vintage Books, 2003).
-----------------------------------------------------------------
PRAISE FOR DAVID WOOD’S ARTICLE
“THE HIDDEN TEACHINGS OF THE SECRET GOSPEL OF BUDDHAâ€Â
“This is the greatest article ever written! It is completely accurate in every way. Anyone who disagrees with it is simply a biased, intolerant bigot!†~Zach Tabor, Member of the Buddha Seminar
“This article is awesome! David Wood is the greatest scholar in the universe. In fact, he makes most other scholars look like morons!†~Daniel Matthews, Member of the Buddha Seminar
“David s brilliant, and so is his work! Real scholars will all agree that this article is phenomenal. This is the sort of stuff people drool over! People who disagree with the Buddha Seminar are self-righteous, hypocritical idiots!†~Sophia De Morgan, Member of the Buddha Seminar
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[1] Gospel of Thomas sayings are taken from Elaine Pagels, Beyond Belief: The Secret Gospel of Thomas (New York: Vintage Books, 2003).
-Source-
:wink:
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