The island...

[Scott]

I'm curious to how others approach prospective relationships with the opposite sex who've had sex before marriage and also with those who already have children.

The idea of pursuing a relationship of that type leaves me with a feeling of sadness. A sadness that sort of seems like settling for something that is second best for what God would have for my life. Personally I don't consider relationships with women in either situation.

I guess to put it simply & best, its like giving your best to someone else but they can't do the same for you because they've given away part of it to someone else before. For those of us who haven't sacrificed our purity it almost feels like we're on an island. Sometimes its hard to find others who are in the same place and have held strong to the same standards for their lives.

I don't want to offend anyone who has made mistakes. I'm not judging the person or looking down on them because I realize we all make mistakes, but with that being said consequences follow whether one is sorry or not. Basically I'm just curious to how others see this & how it makes you feel. It's a position I can't reconcile in my mind and have peace about.

 

[cly]

I understand how you feel, Scott. I feel guilty for thinking thinking things like you stated. I don't judge people either, but it's just how I feel about the situation. I've kept myself pure and want to marry someone who has done the same. I know that God forgives those who have had sex before marriage and in a sense, made them pure again, and it's not that I won't forgive them also, I just hope that the person God has for me to marry has kept his purity.

I think, however, that we should not shun those who have done the wrong thing. We should be forgiving and accepting. People can be forgiven and made pure in God's eyes, and if God says they are good enough, then we shouldn't question it. If God can accept someone, then we should as well.

Don't get me wrong, Scott, I'm not saying that you don't do this. These are just my rambling thoughts.

I think this situation is a head verses heart thing. In our hearts, we desire to marry a person who has kept their purity. On some level, we think that because we have resisted the temptation to have sex before marriage, then we deserve to marry someone who has done the same. In our heads, however, we know we should be just as forgiving and accepting as God. This is what causes the trouble. I have to tell myself that I'm not deserving of anything, let alone what I desire. The fact that God has someone out there for me to love and be loved by is far more than I deserve. If the man God has planned for me to marry has lost his virginity, then I should forgive and love him just the same. It's hard for me to accept that because it's not what I want. However, I should show Christ-like love, and Christ-like love looks beyond a person's sins if that person sincerely asks for forgiveness.

This doesn't mean that I have the right to go and sin just for the pleasure of it. No, I should still hold myself to the standards that God has set up. I should strive to do what is right in every situation. I should not only love my future husband enough to forgive him of any sins he may have committed, but I should also love him enough to give him my best, regardless of what he has to give me.

These are just my thoughts. Maybe they've helped some.

In Christ,

CLY

 

[Scott]

Yes, your post was very helpful CLY. I enjoy reading other's perspective since this issue is such a tough one. I personally could argue these points for & against in my mind alone all day long.

It sort of made me narrow down what the dilema is.... its a matter of trust. It really is something that has made me think hard about, especially in this age where divorce is so common.... we really have to use good judgment when pursuing relationships. I think some of this is needless worrying but its a question we don't always say outloud and never really hear what others with the same perspective might be thinking.

 

[CatholicXian]

This is a good thread... and very relevant in today's world.

I have a friend, a girl I've known since we were 4 years old, and we were both brought up relatively the same (my parents worked a lot, so her mother took care of my brother and I when my Aunt couldn't). Her family was more religious-minded than mine was, as her mother teaches kindergarten at a good Christian school here in town. She and I have been each other's support in the crazy time of dating and trying to find a good husband. In high school, when I became Catholic, she was relieved because she'd always wanted me to be seeking a Christian guy to marry. Now that we're both in college, however, the tables have turned a bit-- I've gone "off the deep end" with Theology of the Body (lol, do a search for some of my recent posts), while she's gone in the other direction.

Her last relationship was with a guy who had already had sex-- with his last girlfriend-- and according to him it was her who pressured him to do it (and she'd already been having sex with her former boyfriends). This was the absolute WORST relationship she'd ever been in. It was tiring and trying even for me to constantly be reminding her about purity and that intercourse wasn't the only thing to save for marriage. It got to the point where he was telling her that he wanted to wait, but was acting towards her in a very different manner--and it was hard for her to say no. Thankfully, they broke up eventually over all the stress and tension.

But witnessing that experience has made me pull back a bit. I know that I can't discount everyone who's engaged in pre-marital sex, but it's definitely something I would approach in a cautious manner--VERY cautious. This guy was obviously not ready to be in another relationship if he was truly committed to waiting until marriage... he and I even argued over pre-marital sex after my good friend mentioned it to me in front of him. I also met several of his friends, they all go to the same non-denom church, who were openly engaging in, and even advocating for pre-marital sex--claiming that "adultery only meant you couldn't cheat on the person you were with at the time" :o and that "fornication was only when people weren't in a relationship with each other" :o
I'm very thankful most Christian churches are not like that... but I have to say, it did a lot of damage to my good friend to be in that relationship. She really struggled with 'who to believe' and 'who was interpreting Scripture correctly'... for a while it was turning into a Catholic v. Protestant thing when that shouldn't have been the case at all. She was relieved that the relationship ended, but now she's in a new relationship with a guy who's not Christian, but who hasn't had sex and wants to wait until marriage. And while I'm glad her new boyfriend is serious about waiting and remaining sexually pure, I'm troubled that she's no longer seeking a husband that would attend church with her, and raise their children in the Lord.

(this is partially off the topic, but if any of you have any ideas for talking to her, that'd be great)

That said, I also agree with CLY above... God forgives, we ought to forgive and not hold grudges... but I don't think we should discount the enormous hardship a relationship with someone who has had sex before marriage would be. There would be many obstacles and burdens that both people would have to overcome in order to have a healthy and trusting relationship. Sin oftentimes has lasting "punishments"/"burdens" that follow us even after we've been forgiven.

 

[Scott]

but I should also love him enough to give him my best, regardless of what he has to give me.

I know that I can't discount everyone who's engaged in pre-marital sex, but it's definitely something I would approach in a cautious manner--VERY cautious.

Both are well said. You've both brought up good points about forgiveness. I have friends who are in either of the aforementioned situations, and I am very accepting of them on a friend level. I just never seem to pursue any of those relationships to a romantic level or even desire to.

I'd have to admit there is a small part of me that is in a sense "jealous" when wondering if a potential mate thinks often of those former relationships that didn't work out. I mean one would think that knowing someone on an intimate level like that and then it not working out would leave scars, in a sense a lot like divorce. A guy I work with was telling me about his divorce because of his wife's unfaithfulness and that even though he is now remarried he will always love his first wife because she is the mother of his son. I can understand that, but at the same time I can feel for the person who's love isn't divided.

There are so many things involved, trust, forgiveness, jealousy, divided love, loyalty, caution, etc.... hows do we reconcile these things when they conflict and make a relationship, that is easily a lot more complicated, work out.

CatholicXian, I guess maybe the best advice for your friend is to have her talk with a Christian who is married to a non-Christian and maybe that would help her understand how hard it can be. It sounds like her thinking is she can be factor in which he will eventually turn to God. She seems really blinded by love and is failing to see the problems that can arise when the newness of the relationship wears off. I have really spent a lot of time in my life observing people, and learning from other's mistakes. My brother is really have a rough time in his marriage even though his wife (my sister-in-law) said she was a Christian. The problem is that my brother wasn't a real strong Christian when they were first married, but has since grown a lot in the Lord. Meanwhile, she hasn't. This has created a lot of problems for them beyond issues they were already having regarding spending habits and just basic sharing you'd think a husband and wife would have. Not to mention the fact that my brother already had a son from a failed relationship in high school. They've been married about 6 years now and have had multiple "seperations" for a few weeks at a time all throughout those 6 years.

Keep posting. I know my posts aren't really following a thought process leading to a catharsis as I would like, I'm just having trouble finding the words to express what is on my heart to say. So I'll keep randomly posting small "in addition to..." type post until I can somewhat organize some sort of direction with all this. So sorry, please bear with me.... :-? :

 

[belovedwolfofgod]

Here is a response from a guy who has had sex with a girl he was committed to (but not married to) and has even had the one night stands (though not typical because it was with a friend).

Damage:
It leaves a lot of damage. Your body remembers things, even when you mind may not. The relationship I was in that was sexually active hurt like a beast when it ended. She actually had a sexual addiction and was also sleeping with my friends, so that could be part of it. After it was over, I felt that I had messed with something far more ancient than I, and that it beat me up but good. The feeling of loss was unimaginable and I felt it for months. I had loved before, but when I incorporated sex, the sense of loss was far worse, and much more difficult to get over. From my one nighter, there wasnt the same feeling of loss, but I do feel a connection with her. One that I dont understand. You have sex with someone, and there is a connection formed. Time can weaken it, I think. Love can too. Basically, I was against sex before marriage before I did it. Now, Im really just like "whats the point". I see it for what it shouldnt be: something just phyical.

As for issues with the person who has had sex:
Im greatly appreciative of the girl Im with now. She is a virgin, and knows I am not. She knows my history. She loves me anyway. Nothing makes me wanna change more than that. Because she loves me seemingly so unconditionaly, I would rather wait til Im married. It begins to take on a meaning so much more than just physical. I dont deserve her love, or her acceptance, but because I have it, I would rather try and be pure, I would rather wait. The thought of corrupting her disgusts me. I used to occasionally think of the women I had been with, but when Im with Alexandra, I really just wanna push the other women out of mind... and I do... and its not that hard.

Be careful when being in a relationship with people like us, and remember that Love can change everything for that person. Chances are they feel on some level worthless or common. I know I do. And having love like Allie gives me is just... well, its amazing and I dont deserve it, and all I wanna do is love her back totally, and that means no sex, and Im very okay with that. I dont even want the foreplay stuff.