Growth The suffering of condemnation in people with weak consciences

[keptandprotected]

All through my "Christian" life I've been filled with doubt and insanity. I have always had a weak conscience. I wanted to be eternally safe, but it's taken me about 25 years of it to discover the light that is in me may have been really darkness. It's been scary and full of dealing with condemnation, mental torture and suffering.

I have to admit I really didn't believe like I thought I did. I have discovered I was blind. When I read that God cares for me, I used to force myself to believe it. But other Christians, healthy ones, seem to believe it with no problem. So there has been an issue with me. I wanted to believe - I really did. But it's not something I'm always able to do.

I have schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, and my symptoms are the delusions and false beliefs kind, specifically in religion. Schizophrenics all have a common problem - there is a structural shrinkage in certain parts of the inner brain, and their thoughts and emotions are not connected or don't communicate right. They (the thoughts and emotions) are split, hence the name "schizo". Most schizophrenics are operating on different levels of consciousness, making it hard to understand, process and believe reality.

I got to a point where I was pleading with God to "help me, help me believe and trust in You, save me, don't desert me if I am not able to believe in You, ...", exhibiting signs of faith but never able to apply the grace to myself. Very similar to the man who cried, "I believe, help my unbelief!" But this kind of pleading was all done a good 20 years after I called on God for the first time in my life.

I was in college when I realized the relationship I was in was wrong. I would call on God and cry to Him to deliver me from a relationship which was sinful. Within a week I was starting to get manic/depressive and delusional. But the problem was I wasn't really convinced God even existed. Why did I cry out to Him? Because I hoped He was real in my heart, but couldn't believe it with my mind. When the truth of God's existence finally sunk in, I was doubly afraid, because I was a guilty sinner.

I tried to believe enough in my heart that God loved me enough to send His Son to die for me, but my heart was scarred by the fear and trauma mental illness gives, and couldn't process that kind of love. It would take years and years until I felt like I was sane enough to accept Jesus to save me. I'm one of those people who said it a thousand times and never felt like I meant it the first time. But eventually I believed I was in the "safe zone" - eternally covered by His sacrifice and loved by my Father.

I'm 46 years old now, and I still struggle with the symptoms of schizophrenia. If there is anything I can do to inspire/encourage anybody who is going through tough times like condemnation, confusion, and hopelessness, please know a few things: a) I have been there, I know what you are going through. You are not alone b) Psalm 22 isn't just a Messianic prophecy. David has been there. Verse 1 he cried, "My God, my God, why have You forsaken me??" The whole Psalm is about David's suffering. It just happens to be prophetic. c) Jesus has definitely been there. God Himself knows what kind of suffering (and more) you are going through, because He went through condemnation on the cross.

 

[for_his_glory]

Never go by how you feel or what you see as God will never leave us or forsake us and there is no condemnation to those who are in Christ.

Romans 8:1 There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.

Colossians 3:1 If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God. 2 Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth. 3 For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God. 4 When Christ, who is our life, shall appear, then shall ye also appear with him in glory.

 

[Eugene]

All through my "Christian" life I've been filled with doubt

The malefactor hanging beside Jesus on the cross called on God: Luk 23:42 And he said unto Jesus, Lord, remember me when thou comest into thy kingdom. Was he rewarded at that very moment, and why?
Well it was future, or later in the day, and then not based on anything the malefactor had done, or was going to do?

Rom 10:13 For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Rom 10:14 How then shall they call on him in whom they have not believed? and how shall they believe in him of whom they have not heard?

Brother Struggling, to even be concerned, you have believed, and God’s promise Who cannot lie has said in Heb 13:5 . . . I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.
Will you have faith to go forward to having God’s best for your life? I do not know, but there is at least three levels of God’s will available to us accord to Rom 12:2, and they are “that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

Brother struggling, it is not you, but God working in you to will, and to do of His good pleasure (Php 2:13).
I may have given you this following link before, but in case I didn’t here is the security you can have in our Savior.
Salvation with Security – 1, 2, 3
http://www.christianforums.net/Fell...ds/salvation-with-security-parts-1-2-3.52236/

Blessings in Christ Jesus.

 

[for_his_glory]

You might want to change your screen name from struggling to something more positive as you are in Christ and He in you. Just a thought