They've got kids...

[Blazin Bones]

I know that some of our singles have kids, but I still tink it's an interesting question. If you met someone who you think it interesting enough to pursue a serious relationship with, but they have children, would that be something that makes you think twice about the next step?

For those who already have kids, for whatever reason, please tread lightly in this thread and don't take it too much to heart. I know this may be sensitive to some users, but I think it is nonetheless a vaild topic.

For those singles who do not have kids, for whatever reason, please by kind enough to respect those readers who do. There is no reason to speak in any manner that would be offensive.

I want honest, polite opinions as this is an issue singles face.

 

[lovely]

It didn't matter to me when I was single without children, and it doesn't matter to me now that I am single with three little ones. Children are a blessing. I think it is an even greater blessing when you become a parent to a child who is in need of one.

That being said, however. If there was something about the situation to make me become hesitant, it would be the "ex". If there is going to be constant conflict between divorced parents...that might discourage me. I am not saying it is something I wouldn't do, but I sure would pray long and hard on it before I entered into marriage.

Of course, ultimately, I want to be given over to God's will in every situation.

Blessings

 

[Mathetes]

I would definitely have reservations about it, for two main reasons:

1) The kids would have a second father who would be competing for the place of the real father; and

2) There might be hostility, tension, etc., between the real father and me.

Personally I think it would have potentially serious problems unless the real father were deceased. In that case it would be a good thing to become a surrogate father to those kids.

In addition, I would be concerned about the kids themselves. Kids need stability and security, and being shuffled around between two fathers (or two mothers, as the case may be) is not a healthy situation for them to be in. My parents got divorced when I was about 12, and looking back on it now it was a bad situation. My stepmother and stepfather are both pretty nice people and I've never had any problems with them, but all the same, it doesn't seem right or natural -- being forced into a relationship with unrelated people as if they were my parents when they are not.

For these reasons I don't believe God ever intended kids to have three or four parents. My best advice to single parents is to do their utmost to be reconciled with their spouses, if at all possible. That's my opinion, coming from a broken home.

 

[Featherbop]

The problem dating or marrying someone with kids is that the kids will almost always be resentful that their real parents broke up, angry that someone is trying to take their real parents place, and feel that if they like the new person(s), they are betraying their real parents.

When one is older, finding someone that is single and childless is quite difficult, it can be done, but there aren't many.

 

[GA_Teg]

The problem dating or marrying someone with kids is that the kids will almost always be resentful that their real parents broke up, angry that someone is trying to take their real parents place, and feel that if they like the new person(s), they are betraying their real parents.

When one is older, finding someone that is single and childless is quite difficult, it can be done, but there aren't many.

I agree. Also if the ex is still involved heavily and causing problems then that is a sign to pray hard about it and think twice.

 

[Scott]

I agree also that those things above can be potential problems. I guess for myself, I am looking for a woman who is going to experience the "firsts" in life at the same time as myself. That will no doubt affect the decision of which relationships I pursue. Not to say relationships with different circumstances can't be close, but those "firsts" relationships carry a special bond. I know there are widowed singles here that truly understand that.

 

[Homeskillet]

Let me start by saying that I DO understand why some people would not want to fall in love with someone who had kids.

I am a single mom of two children and I know first hand how few men are really open to the idea. I don't mean to be rude or offend in my next statement, but it has been my experience. It's especially hard to find a Christian man who is willing to date a mother. If you are a single mom in the church it's like you are marked with a huge letter A on your chest...I don't really know about it from a single dad's perspective, but being a single Christian mom is tough. I'm not exaggerating. One would expect glares, stares, and snickers from the world...but when you walk into what is supposed to be the House of God and get them...well, it kinda turns you off to churches. Fact is, people DO treat single moms differently...ESPECIALLY if the children have different fathers...God forbid, huh? :roll:

Some people have misconceptions of single parents and unfortunately it hurts more than helps. They either think we are incapable or too dependent or impure....and who wants to date someone like that, right?

Anyway, the truth is I am probably one of the most independant people ever, lol. So much that I feared I would never be able to marry because I didn't know if I could handle "sharing" the responsibility of daily life. Now, I'm looking forward to it, but it will still be hard. Bottomline--just because I am parenting my daughters alone does not mean that I rely on others anymore than anyone else does! Yes, I have a network of suppport from friends, family, etc. but doesn't everyone? :D

And as far as being impure...well here's what I think about that. I think that these same people who say that have FORGOTTEN what their lives were like BEFORE they became a Christian. No one is pure without Christ...if I have no chance to ever be pure based on my pre-Christian mistakes...then no one does...

Christ tells me I'm pure. That's all I need to know.

Well, sorry for the rant but this speaks to my heart...I have felt like an outsider many times...moreso in the church than not. I think it's sad that be made to feel like less than a Christian because I have kids from different fathers...or that they look "different" than me because of their ethnicity.

Yes, I know this rant had very little to actually do with the topic at hand, lol. Being a parent isn't for everybody. Being a parent to someone else's kids isn't for everybody. They are both very demanding yet rewarding jobs. I think the one answer we could probably all agree on is to pray and follow God's will. YOU may want to meet and marry a kid-less person but God may have different plans. ;-)

 

[Homeskillet]

I think the one answer we could probably all agree on is to pray and follow God's will. YOU may want to meet and marry a kid-less person but God may have different plans. ;-)

If I could, I'd like to share a testimony to this.

Honestly, I had come to a point where I was content to be single...no, not just content, but happy. I have what I called the "triple threat"...not only am I a mom, but I'm overweight, AND I can't have anymore children. I accepted the fact that there wasn't a man out there willing to accept all that, let alone WANT it.

God had other plans by bringing a man named Eric into my life. Eric is a virgin, never married, Christian man who swore he'd never date a woman with kids...and he wanted kids of his own too so you would think that would leave me out, huh? Wrong :angel: God has taken us both out of our comfort zones and I have not only met a man willing to accept all my flaws, but he LOVES me for them...and he loves my girls. He will be the first to tell you how surprised he is that he is in the relationship he is in because he doesn't quite understand how God has changed his heart, but He has. Anyway, just thought I'd share the ways God has been moving in mine and Eric's life. God bless!

 

[Judy]

Well, sorry for the rant but this speaks to my heart...I have felt like an outsider many times...moreso in the church than not. I think it's sad that be made to feel like less than a Christian because I have kids from different fathers...or that they look "different" than me because of their ethnicity.

Josie,

Is that really how people have treated you? Or, is it just how you feel? Most of the time we cause our own trouble with feelings. It may just be your feeling of guilt for whatever reason... You brought up that you kids have different fathers... does everyone in church know that? I know that I wouldn't care. Jesus didn't come to save the righteous.. He came to save the sinner which all of us are.

Like it says in Proverbs 18:24. A man who has friends must himself be friendly, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

I would say to lighten up, don't think that people in the church are talking about you and if they have a problem with your situation then I would say that is their problem and they need to learn what it is to be saved by grace.

I am glad to hear about you and Eric... :angel:

 

[Homeskillet]

Well, sorry for the rant but this speaks to my heart...I have felt like an outsider many times...moreso in the church than not. I think it's sad that be made to feel like less than a Christian because I have kids from different fathers...or that they look "different" than me because of their ethnicity.

Josie,

Is that really how people have treated you? Or, is it just how you feel? Most of the time we cause our own trouble with feelings. It may just be your feeling of guilt for whatever reason... You brought up that you kids have different fathers... does everyone in church know that? I know that I wouldn't care. Jesus didn't come to save the righteous.. He came to save the sinner which all of us are.

Like it says in Proverbs 18:24. A man who has friends must himself be friendly, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

I would say to lighten up, don't think that people in the church are talking about you and if they have a problem with your situation then I would say that is their problem and they need to learn what it is to be saved by grace.

I am glad to hear about you and Eric... :angel:

You asked if everyone in church knows they have two fathers; My girls have different skin color, so to the stranger's eye it's obvious they have different fathers. Could it be just my perception or paranoia? Perhaps. But the glares and stares of prejudice are something that you just can't mistake once you've felt it. It's not that I think they're over in the corner talking about me, it's how we're actually treated while there. So are you saying I don't have friends within the church because I'm not friendly myself? That's cool if ya are, just wondering how the verse applied.

Since it's either my guilty conscience, or I'm not being friendly myself or just all in my head, I think I will take your advice and lighten up. ;-)

 

[Judy]

Sorry if what I said offended you, it was not my intentions. I can see by your response that I should have kept my opinion to my self. :-? Because you choose to read more into my response then was there.Your last remark shows this....

Since it's either my guilty conscience, or I'm not being friendly myself or just all in my head, I think I will take your advice and lighten up.

I didn't say it was all your fault, but because of the history between you and me. You tend to choose the negative in my response and run with it.

I have seen what you are talking about in the church... however most of the time it isn't how we perceive it, it is our own paranoia that brings out those feelings. Now please don't get me wrong, there may be some of what you are saying going on there and if that is the case I would find me another church. I would never continue to go to a church where they treated me and my children the way you say they treat you.

I wasn't saying that you don't have friends at church! I don't even know you, can't see you or how you treat others , other then here on this site and one has nothing to do with the other. I am only drawing on my own experience. I have alway tried to make it a point to greet everyone and if I see someone sitting alone I go up and introduce myself to them and make it a point to greet them every time I see them. That is what I meant by that verse in Proverbs. It had nothing to do with you not having friends :-?

There are some people who go to church and then complain that everyone was rude and unfriendly because they didn't speak to them.... However, they didn't make an effort to speak to anyone while they were there either.

What I meant by lighten up, is just that! you are at church to worship God not look around and see who is whispering something about you... If that is what they are doing then they are the ones missing out on their time with the Lord.
Like I tried to said in my other response if that is what they are doing then it is their problem not yours.

 

[Homeskillet]

Thanks Judy, I apologize for taking your post the wrong way and will send a pm to keep this thread from getting further derailed.

 

[Scott]

I think the one answer we could probably all agree on is to pray and follow God's will. YOU may want to meet and marry a kid-less person but God may have different plans.

To be honest, I don't pray about getting married. For myself, I know what the Bible says about getting married and what to look for in finding a wife of noble character and I truly believe it is something that is a "self" pursuit. If I choose to pursue that kind of relationship, I personally don't believe God is leading me or anyone for that matter to be married. Thats not to say getting married or pursuing marriage is wrong. Its not, and the Bible clearly tells me it is within my freedom to do. While I think it is selfish in some aspects (from God's perspective), however we are permitted to. I do look for noble qualities in women, but that is the starting point for me. I believe God gives me the ability to make good decisions, but whether I do in the end is up to me. I have many Christian relatives and friends who believe God plays 'cupid' (so to speak) depending on His will. I completely respect those who believe that but I just don't agree.

I really believe that God's plan for our lives is first and foremostly to have a close relationship with Him, without distractions that come from other committments we have (1 Corinthians 7:32-33).

So I guess in short, I don't think there will ever be a point where God changes my desire or the kind of woman I pursue because thats not His first priority for my life. If I should ever happen to find a wife (of noble character of course) who is living in different circumstances (who has kids or widowed or whatever) then I still believe it is my pursuit to pursue that relationship. I don't believe its a matter of leading or calling. Its not that I don't believe God doesn't care about that aspect of my life, I just believe He wants us first and foremost at our ultimate best.

 

[Amity]

Yes, I would consider marrying a Christian man with children.....I have 2 of my own, too.

 

[starbyfar]

It's especially hard to find a Christian man who is willing to date a mother. If you are a single mom in the church it's like you are marked with a huge letter A on your chest...

Heck yes it is... I have been fortunate enough to find a church home where the people don't look at me like i'm crazy when I tell them that i'm a single mom... but i have been to churches where I felt extremely uncomfortable.

I don't really know about it from a single dad's perspective, but being a single Christian mom is tough.

Heck yes again. Being a single mom hasn't been THAT difficult for me because I love everything about being a mother and my daughter has been a breeze to parent so far (fingers crossed)... I can atleast say that its always been just me and my little one because her sperm donor (not literally) has never even seen her, and doesn't care to. So from that perspective.. i don't know what its like to share parenting.. so you can't really miss what you never had??

In the mean time, I was blessed to also find an amazing man that loves me and loves my daughter as his own eventhough he's of a different race than both of us! God is flipping good. But, I have felt the wrath of trying to meet Christian guys as a single mom... it was a sucky experience.. its so weird that non believers can forgive and move on with the issue that you have a kid.. but christian guys have problems. Go figure.. That really makes trying to stay 'equally yoked' a hard task. But I guess everyone has standards?

When me and my love broke up we dated other people, and wow... i never knew what it was like to have the plague til then..