“Is that the pastor’s son? Can you believe how he is behaving? You would think he would know better?”
People in churches have undoubtedly uttered these and similar comments countless times over the centuries. Indeed, one of the challenges pastors face is faithfully shepherding the “little flock” at home while caring for the needs of a congregation.
Ephesians 6:1-4 is a critical text explicitly written to fathers. As Paul winds down this important letter to the church, where he has spent more ministry time than anywhere else, he reiterates fundamental family responsibilities. In chapter five, Paul outlined the roles of husbands and wives. He began with the wife’s responsibility to respect her husband’s leadership of the family (5:22-24). Then Paul unpacked the husband’s role (5:25-30), which is to “love [his wife] as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” This is the environment God calls the husband to create to complement and help the wife to fulfill her role.
As he moves on to discussing parents and children, Paul begins with the child’s responsibility: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’ (this is the first commandment with a promise), ‘that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.’” (Ephesians 6:1-3). Though this responsibility is instinctively part of how God made us, it was enshrined in scripture in the moral law found in the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:12).
My goal in this article, however, is not to unpack the responsibilities of children but to focus on our responsibilities as fathers and how these responsibilities can be particularly challenging for us as pastors. There is a connection with the previous section on the marriage relationship. Just as God calls on the husband to provide a loving environment to help his wife fulfill her role, the father’s responsibilities outlined here provide the environment for a child to carry out their call to honor and obey their parents. The failure of a dad to do what the Scriptures describe can be very frustrating for a child.
In the following text, there is something we should not do and something that we should do: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).
Notice Paul directs this appeal to “Fathers,” underscoring that the father is the responsible head of the family. The words seem simple: “Do not provoke your children to anger.” In the Greek text, “provoke to anger” is one compound word. The root of the word is the Greek word for anger, which describes a slow and simmering emotion. It is an anger that bubbles below the surface. What are some of the things we do as pastors that provoke our children to anger?
This is a danger for all parents but especially risky for pastors. One of the most significant risks in ministry is to impose the expectations of congregants onto our children. Yes, we live in “glass houses,” but even you can’t live up to the expectations of church members. If you can’t live up to them, you can be sure that neither can your children. It’s even worse when you embrace the expectations of your congregants. A sure symptom of this dynamic are the words, “Remember, you are the pastor’s child.” Please don’t impose unrealistic expectations on your children. It will only provoke them to anger, and you don’t want that.
This is where unrealistic expectations meet the community of faith.
In your church, there is usually – if not always – a child who is smarter, more athletic, or more talented than your child. You, of all people, should know our Heavenly Father bestows these gifts and talents according to his wisdom and that we should celebrate everyone’s skills, talents, and aptitudes. Don’t forget to take the time to know your child’s strengths and weaknesses. Celebrate the strengths and help them through their weaknesses. A sure symptom of this dynamic are the words, “Why can’t you be like … (fill in the blank)?” Perhaps a not-so-subtle version is constantly praising other children in the church. Please don’t engage in unfair comparisons. This will provoke your child to anger, and you don’t want that.
Sometimes, out of concern for keeping a sparkling image of a “pastor’s family,” we might be more restrictive than we should be. When your child wants to do something with a friend or to go somewhere, is your default response “No!”?
As my children entered their teen years, I was blessed to hear a wise Christian counselor’s advice: “Instead of immediately saying ‘no,’ we should honestly ask if there is any reason we cannot say, “Yes.”
This advice was of immense help to us throughout those potentially volatile years. Of course, there will be times that we say “no,” but we should be prepared to give a good reason. If this is our modus operandi, then our children will be more likely to respect our restrictions knowing there are good reasons behind them. And please don’t systematically say “no” to your child because he is the pastor’s kid. You’ve got to have a better reason than that, or you will provoke your child to anger, and you don’t want that.
“But bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” The word translated ‘bring up” is the same word used earlier for the husband’s responsibility to “nourish” his wife. It means to “serve with tender care.” To what end is that tender care to be applied? Paul answers, “discipline and instruction.” The word translated “discipline” communicates the idea of “training” and includes the concept of correction of a child who has strayed from the path. Paul adds “instruction,” a word that points to the encouragement children need to stay the course. Sometimes I have raised eyebrows by saying, “I am the CEO of my family.” But I quickly add, “That means Chief Encouragement Officer.”
Bringing up children as Paul described, requires our time, attention, and love. We fail them when we pour our lives into our congregants but neglect our families.
But when we engage consistently in loving discipline and instruction, we have a head start in precluding those things that incite anger and frustration in our children. Ah, there it is! Being consistent is the challenge. We are sinners saved by grace, too, and we will not achieve perfect consistency in this life. But as we move along the road of life together, pray that consistency in leading your children will be the rule and not the exception. In a parallel text in Colossians, Paul writes, “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged” (Colossians 3:21). We don’t want angry children or discouraged children, either. Take time, step back, and be honest about how you lead your “little flock,” and ask the Lord for the wisdom to be a catalyst for godliness, peace, and joy rather than anger and discouragement. Your heavenly Father is eager to help!
How to Frustrate Your Wife
Questions to Help Pastors Connect with Their Kids
The post Three Ways Pastors Provoke Their Children to Anger appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...
People in churches have undoubtedly uttered these and similar comments countless times over the centuries. Indeed, one of the challenges pastors face is faithfully shepherding the “little flock” at home while caring for the needs of a congregation.
Ephesians 6:1-4 is a critical text explicitly written to fathers. As Paul winds down this important letter to the church, where he has spent more ministry time than anywhere else, he reiterates fundamental family responsibilities. In chapter five, Paul outlined the roles of husbands and wives. He began with the wife’s responsibility to respect her husband’s leadership of the family (5:22-24). Then Paul unpacked the husband’s role (5:25-30), which is to “love [his wife] as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” This is the environment God calls the husband to create to complement and help the wife to fulfill her role.
As he moves on to discussing parents and children, Paul begins with the child’s responsibility: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’ (this is the first commandment with a promise), ‘that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.’” (Ephesians 6:1-3). Though this responsibility is instinctively part of how God made us, it was enshrined in scripture in the moral law found in the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:12).
My goal in this article, however, is not to unpack the responsibilities of children but to focus on our responsibilities as fathers and how these responsibilities can be particularly challenging for us as pastors. There is a connection with the previous section on the marriage relationship. Just as God calls on the husband to provide a loving environment to help his wife fulfill her role, the father’s responsibilities outlined here provide the environment for a child to carry out their call to honor and obey their parents. The failure of a dad to do what the Scriptures describe can be very frustrating for a child.
In the following text, there is something we should not do and something that we should do: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).
First, let’s address something we should not do
Notice Paul directs this appeal to “Fathers,” underscoring that the father is the responsible head of the family. The words seem simple: “Do not provoke your children to anger.” In the Greek text, “provoke to anger” is one compound word. The root of the word is the Greek word for anger, which describes a slow and simmering emotion. It is an anger that bubbles below the surface. What are some of the things we do as pastors that provoke our children to anger?
1. Unrealistic expectations
This is a danger for all parents but especially risky for pastors. One of the most significant risks in ministry is to impose the expectations of congregants onto our children. Yes, we live in “glass houses,” but even you can’t live up to the expectations of church members. If you can’t live up to them, you can be sure that neither can your children. It’s even worse when you embrace the expectations of your congregants. A sure symptom of this dynamic are the words, “Remember, you are the pastor’s child.” Please don’t impose unrealistic expectations on your children. It will only provoke them to anger, and you don’t want that.
2. Unfair Comparisons
This is where unrealistic expectations meet the community of faith.
In your church, there is usually – if not always – a child who is smarter, more athletic, or more talented than your child. You, of all people, should know our Heavenly Father bestows these gifts and talents according to his wisdom and that we should celebrate everyone’s skills, talents, and aptitudes. Don’t forget to take the time to know your child’s strengths and weaknesses. Celebrate the strengths and help them through their weaknesses. A sure symptom of this dynamic are the words, “Why can’t you be like … (fill in the blank)?” Perhaps a not-so-subtle version is constantly praising other children in the church. Please don’t engage in unfair comparisons. This will provoke your child to anger, and you don’t want that.
3. Always say no
Sometimes, out of concern for keeping a sparkling image of a “pastor’s family,” we might be more restrictive than we should be. When your child wants to do something with a friend or to go somewhere, is your default response “No!”?
As my children entered their teen years, I was blessed to hear a wise Christian counselor’s advice: “Instead of immediately saying ‘no,’ we should honestly ask if there is any reason we cannot say, “Yes.”
This advice was of immense help to us throughout those potentially volatile years. Of course, there will be times that we say “no,” but we should be prepared to give a good reason. If this is our modus operandi, then our children will be more likely to respect our restrictions knowing there are good reasons behind them. And please don’t systematically say “no” to your child because he is the pastor’s kid. You’ve got to have a better reason than that, or you will provoke your child to anger, and you don’t want that.
2. Paul moves on to what we should do
“But bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” The word translated ‘bring up” is the same word used earlier for the husband’s responsibility to “nourish” his wife. It means to “serve with tender care.” To what end is that tender care to be applied? Paul answers, “discipline and instruction.” The word translated “discipline” communicates the idea of “training” and includes the concept of correction of a child who has strayed from the path. Paul adds “instruction,” a word that points to the encouragement children need to stay the course. Sometimes I have raised eyebrows by saying, “I am the CEO of my family.” But I quickly add, “That means Chief Encouragement Officer.”
Bringing up children as Paul described, requires our time, attention, and love. We fail them when we pour our lives into our congregants but neglect our families.
But when we engage consistently in loving discipline and instruction, we have a head start in precluding those things that incite anger and frustration in our children. Ah, there it is! Being consistent is the challenge. We are sinners saved by grace, too, and we will not achieve perfect consistency in this life. But as we move along the road of life together, pray that consistency in leading your children will be the rule and not the exception. In a parallel text in Colossians, Paul writes, “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged” (Colossians 3:21). We don’t want angry children or discouraged children, either. Take time, step back, and be honest about how you lead your “little flock,” and ask the Lord for the wisdom to be a catalyst for godliness, peace, and joy rather than anger and discouragement. Your heavenly Father is eager to help!
Related:
How to Frustrate Your Wife
Questions to Help Pastors Connect with Their Kids
The post Three Ways Pastors Provoke Their Children to Anger appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...