[__ Prayer __] what does this mean?

[Christ_empowered]

a big box chain has a gas station here, locally. the price was lower enough than the others that I thought...stop there. prepaid with my card. good to go...

then it wouldn't pump. and would not pump. and the lady called some other clerk to come out...would not pump. and...


I think its more like "you're not welcome here" (yet again) than anything else. I've had times at stores around the area where I'd try to pay with a card and I'd get all kinds of errors and stuff, until I tried it again and again. the worst was when I was in a big box drugstore (I have a discount card), getting some basics...

not a huge thing, and I thought to use the card instead of cash because it was an uneven total. "he's living off our tax dollars" and "he's a welfare bum" and...yeah, it took 3 tries to get my (valid, sufficient funds) card to go thru on a small purchase with some staples I needed (I think it was peroxide and neosporin, maybe some seriously on sale snack items). and...

yeah. not to sound paranoid, but things seem to be heating up, and...I don't know what to make of it, honestly. I haven't been arrested in -9 years- , now, and people openly talk about "he needs to be committed to the state hospital!" and/or "his parents -cannot help- him!," that kind of junk. oh, and I've had times...actually, while pumping gas at that same station...where people would openly talk about my HIV+ status (fun fact: never offered treatment, never given a referral for treatment, never treated...I tested + over 16 years ago, I'm now 37 and in remarkably good health...because God -is- Good! people...not so much...).

rambling...I just...don't feel at ease, and its not normal, at all, for stuff like that to happen. I asked if I could just go to another pump, and the clerk made a big deal about getting another clerk out to do...

basically, nothing? I've gotten some ridiculous acts of petty rudeness from clerks and customers at that store, but I brushed it off. I mean...I need gas sometimes, gotta get food...what to do?...but this is just crazy insane.

Its...not that I'm angry or even super scared, just...ill at ease, I suppose? I called one of the local chain pizza places. No one answered. I've had delivery from there, I've gotten carry out from there. Not fancy, just...well, pizza, lol. I had a lot of dishes and such to do, thought I'd just grab something. nothing doing.

went for another local franchise of a national chain and...the crust was not normal. not a fancy place, but...the crust is -not- like that on any pizza, ever. they have a distinctive crust, but not for that pizza. thankfully, that was carry out, so I didn't have to tip and all that jazz.

and...driving thru a local Panera one day, I ordered a cuban. i love a cuban now and then, don't really know how to do it myself. just...wanted a cuban. OK. so, I overheard snarky comments at the window about "he's living off welfare" and "he's supposed to be in jail," paid and tipped a bit...

the filling was a-OK, but they used white bread? not to sound snotty, but a Cuban requires a certain kind of bread, which is what Panera is supposed to be all about, and...yeah. free range rudeness, to the max? -shrug-

please pray for my parents and for me, too. My parents...are hard working, now in the kinda sorta well to do range (not to brag...God's grace and mercy saw them thru...they started with about -0- funds, btw...), and I think maybe their many enemies at work and in the community played a big, big role in some of the nastiness that went down in our lives. but...I don't know, because I'm not a member of this community, and I never really was, ever, at all.

I mention that because...honestly, I think my parents have had to deal with -so much- nastiness here and there that they come home, do their thing, and try to block it out. me? I was given involuntary shock "treatments" that destroyed me in my early 20s, all kinds of health probs, labels, plus my own sins and such and...

yeah. 37, healthy, genuinely saved for a bit over 9 years, now. God is Love.

I'm just...not sure what this about, honestly. A former colleague...things got so intense at work, parents almost had to lawyer up. -eek- that individual is in the same field, now, in another state, blah blah blah...

situation is rough. please pray. support, words of advice and/or encouragement...always, always appreciated. I just...hate the -obvious- contempt some people have for me, and then when I try to talk with someone, anyone about it, I get treated like I'm in need of a "med adjustment" or something. I don't blame my (loving, hardworking) parents....I think they kind of have to zone out, they have things to do, and they also want to have peaceful lives. its more...if I talk to my counselor, he chalks it up to "symptoms," even though it is, in fact, happening. and I have no real friends here, locally.

rambling...thanks, as always.

 

[Edward]

...I just...don't feel at ease, and its not normal, at all, for stuff like that to happen.

It's not normal for you to feel ill at ease. He has not given you a spirit f fear, but of power and Love and a sound mind. Don't you remember that He said that He will never leave you or forsake you?

And it is normal for the world to turn against you because you are in Christ now and they hated Him first.

And if God be with you, then who can stand against you?
It sounds to me that it is evident that the Lord is with you. These people can't touch you, all they are allowed to do is to hurl insults your way. Isn't that right? They don't attack you physically, just verbally, right?

So the Lord is trying to teach you patience and endurance? Sounds like it. Bless your enemies and do not curse them!

 

[Christ_empowered]

thanks, especially Edward . once again: sound, practical, godly advice. yes, please. best antidote to all the mental health, inc. nonsense? prayer, Scripture, and -real help- from fellow Christians. repeat, indefinitely.

whoever lives upstairs...or is visiting upstairs...is stomping. and not a little bit. these places...not fancy, but well-built. built well enough that if I can hear a stomp and I think "wow, someone is having some kind of tantrum and stomping deliberately," then I'm probably spot on. ugh. :-(

I don't understand...the rather obvious hostility? ok...people hate those who are in Christ. by a miracle, I am in Christ. fun fact: I texted mama after the Sunday meal, per usual. I offered up a "I love you, mama" and she texted back that she loves me, too. I know, 37 years old...mama's boy! LOL. but seriously...

side note: a bit over 9 years into truly knowing Jesus (I lean Calvinist, not that it really matters...), my priorities have shifted, in good, meaningful ways. Jesus...family...what do I want (in line with Jesus' message and my real life limitations) ? He has seen fit to "...put off the old, put on the new...," and now...

some dude upstairs was using a harsh, menacing, intimidating tone, saying something about "a public defender" and "judge took pity on him" and "have him committed...," blah blah blah.

truth? if psychiatry was ever really about helping individuals, stabilizing society, all that jazz...

I think I would have been shipped off to the state hospital. as is...

a former colleague of my parents' name keeps popping up in some of these ongoing taunts. he was a "mental health professional," and...yeah. I looked it up, he retired, licenses lapsed a couple of years ago. and so...

"immature" "too promiscuous," "got too old," all that nonsense. truth? does it matter? "...it is no longer I who lives, but Christ who lives in me..."

rambling. I actually did 2 background checks on myself. 1 thru the state agency...it showed the original charges, the serious misdemeanor plea deal. the private company (reputable...can be used for hiring, housing, etc.) showed...nothing? -don't get it- it does appear the one from the state agency hasn't been updated in over 5 years, so....there's that...

ugh. --spirit of power, love, and spirit of a sound mind....--

not because of anything I've done or can claim to deserve or anything, but because I am in Christ, "....washed and made clean...," and that's what God does for His children.

thanks again.

 

[daninthelionsden]

My finances were being jacked with frequently until I went down to the bank with my wife and was letting it be shown I was recording the exchange. They stopped most of that nonsense after that. I had an incident on the phone about my bank card with a bank rep. He started grilling me. I reminded him it was my money not his. I then said "Hang on. Let me call you back with a phone that can record so America can see how you treat people on disability regarding their own money." I quickly called back. They were very helpful on that call. I went grocery shopping for my wife one time. They waited until I unloaded the entire basket...."register closed sir". I left everything there then left the store.

 

[Christ_empowered]

it really can get -intense- , I would think (?) more in "red state areas..." which is strange, because there's lots and lots of people on disability in "red state" America, for various reasons. don't...get it, obviously.

my situation is kind of...extra-intense, at times...because I've been labeled and targeted by the "helping professions." ugh. and yet...

God is Good. My parents are awesome. In my own case, people are quick to make snarky, snide remarks...occasionally stuff happens at stores...

-but- "oh, he's Schizophrenic...from a 'good family' ..." it isn't that they're rich or that I'm super-special, its just "the way the world works" moving in -my favor- , at times. lol. so, there's that.

 

[Christ_empowered]

minor update (LOL) : went to pick up something in a chain store that I'd ordered online. Clean shaven, reasonably well-dressed. overheard snarky comments from some ladies browsing, and...

overall, I think I handled it OK, by God's grace. I have been blessed with "...everything I need for life and for godliness...," so...

that's --huge-- , obviously. people in the upstairs unit continue the snark fest, "he has FELONIES!," "he needs to be committed!," all that junk...

and so it goes, lol. its just...crazy, to me...the only truly honest, straightforward "mental health professional" I've ever dealt with was in another state, born again Christian. His take? "You never had a chance...," largely -because- of the "helping professions." Somehow, I ended up labeled -well before- "going into treatment," and that explains...wow, a lot of my adolescence, and pretty much huge chunks of what came afterwards. ugh. It's not that I was "blameless," much less "sinless," just...no chance. 9 years into truly knowing Jesus...

-sigh- Honestly, even though its not pleasant to reflect upon, and I'm doing better about taking up the plow and pushing forward (paraphrase, hence no " "), its kinda like...what was this about, really? I wondered, once memories from the involuntary shock "treatments" began returning...why was there so there so much -deliberate- cruelty and pressure, endless pressure, starting around 7th grade? and now...

yeah. "attitude adjustment," parents were going thru all kinds of misery at work, upwardly mobile "hippies" in a conservative community, they had lots of enemies and I was flamboyantly gay kid in late 90s red state America, so...

ugh. happens. turns out, I was supposed to "go to juvenile detention...:" largely because I was not supposed to be in Honors classes or...something, I dunno. I didn't explode and get expelled, etc. (no, really...I think I only scraped out of middle school and then High School because i was so sickly and could get doctor's notes), my parents ended up getting some much needed promotions, and...yeah. squeaked out of High School at age 16, already prematurely aged and stressed to the max, no real future except that stuff in my daydreams...

thankfully, Jesus extended mercy and grace to me, throughout. got saved, age 28, on bond for a serious charge (potentially 15 years in prison), moved in with my parents, got a probation deal, and now...

37. Saved, by Jesus Himself, for a bit over 9 years. But saved from...what? Sin, satan, self, death, and the world...true of every Christian. thing is...

I think especially in the 21st century, Christians aren't permitted to speak of how truly cruel and fallen and often evil the world is...the focus seems to be on personal sin (which are important!) and, much like society itself...

the focus is usually on the individual and his failings, her sins, his responsibilities, all that. Truth? my sins killed Jesus. True of all Christians. I just...maybe its because of all the mental health, inc. junk I dealt with, apparently before I was ever "in treatment," but...

I think the world is an under-appreciated component of what makes life so painful for so, so, so many people. I mean...I got to graduate High School at 16, I've narrowly avoided a felony, my parents are now in the well to do (ish) range and I get along OK in life, and...

yeah. I remember one kid, the teachers were -always- hard on him. Bible Belt, "poor white trash," etc. He's in prison, again...this time federal prison, probably for a while to go. And the "cool kids," many of whom were apparently involved not only in my own destruction but also plotted against my parents (long story...) are...

upstanding citizens! productive members of the community! professionals!

me? I get the label of "Schizophrenia," which would mean a life of state-subsidized poverty, periodic confinement, heavy duty drugging with brain damaging "medications..."

if it wasn't for Jesus and His work in my life and my parents' lives, too. its just...what the world has for me, that's all that is. Thankfully...

20 years since I squeaked out of high school, over 9 years since my last last last run with the law, 5 years off probation on a greatly reduced charge...

-sigh- I'm hoping and praying for an end to the outright --conflict-- with the community around me. I can deal with snark and such, but people deliberately intimidating me (I was in my bed, trying to sleep) at 1 AM, that kind of thing...

-very minor- compared to what -could be happening- , but not really something I particularly enjoy or want to continue dealing with. And...

faces change, the junk seems to remain pretty much the same, overall. one set of neighbors where I live sold their place and moved. a new neighbor moved in. for a long time, he was out on his front porch area, talking loudly about me, then he'd wave with a snide smile on his face...

for whatever reason(s), that behavior has simmered down, but...I get it, I do. And this isn't self-pity, its...I dunno, no one listens to me, no one wants to be honest and say: you seem to be an outcast, and your life runs against the way the world usually works, and...

ugh. -frustrating- , that's all. "cry baby." I get tired of that one, but its...what my little corner of a fallen world has for me, it seems. "He -cannot- live here" and/or "his parents -cannot- help him" and/or "he's supposed to go to (prison, state hospital, etc.)!" and/or "so, what? he deserved it!," on and on and on...

done. done and done.

 

[daninthelionsden]

minor update (LOL) : went to pick up something in a chain store that I'd ordered online. Clean shaven, reasonably well-dressed. overheard snarky comments from some ladies browsing, and...

overall, I think I handled it OK, by God's grace. I have been blessed with "...everything I need for life and for godliness...," so...

that's --huge-- , obviously. people in the upstairs unit continue the snark fest, "he has FELONIES!," "he needs to be committed!," all that junk...

and so it goes, lol. its just...crazy, to me...the only truly honest, straightforward "mental health professional" I've ever dealt with was in another state, born again Christian. His take? "You never had a chance...," largely -because- of the "helping professions." Somehow, I ended up labeled -well before- "going into treatment," and that explains...wow, a lot of my adolescence, and pretty much huge chunks of what came afterwards. ugh. It's not that I was "blameless," much less "sinless," just...no chance. 9 years into truly knowing Jesus...

-sigh- Honestly, even though its not pleasant to reflect upon, and I'm doing better about taking up the plow and pushing forward (paraphrase, hence no " "), its kinda like...what was this about, really? I wondered, once memories from the involuntary shock "treatments" began returning...why was there so there so much -deliberate- cruelty and pressure, endless pressure, starting around 7th grade? and now...

yeah. "attitude adjustment," parents were going thru all kinds of misery at work, upwardly mobile "hippies" in a conservative community, they had lots of enemies and I was flamboyantly gay kid in late 90s red state America, so...

ugh. happens. turns out, I was supposed to "go to juvenile detention...:" largely because I was not supposed to be in Honors classes or...something, I dunno. I didn't explode and get expelled, etc. (no, really...I think I only scraped out of middle school and then High School because i was so sickly and could get doctor's notes), my parents ended up getting some much needed promotions, and...yeah. squeaked out of High School at age 16, already prematurely aged and stressed to the max, no real future except that stuff in my daydreams...

thankfully, Jesus extended mercy and grace to me, throughout. got saved, age 28, on bond for a serious charge (potentially 15 years in prison), moved in with my parents, got a probation deal, and now...

37. Saved, by Jesus Himself, for a bit over 9 years. But saved from...what? Sin, satan, self, death, and the world...true of every Christian. thing is...

I think especially in the 21st century, Christians aren't permitted to speak of how truly cruel and fallen and often evil the world is...the focus seems to be on personal sin (which are important!) and, much like society itself...

the focus is usually on the individual and his failings, her sins, his responsibilities, all that. Truth? my sins killed Jesus. True of all Christians. I just...maybe its because of all the mental health, inc. junk I dealt with, apparently before I was ever "in treatment," but...

I think the world is an under-appreciated component of what makes life so painful for so, so, so many people. I mean...I got to graduate High School at 16, I've narrowly avoided a felony, my parents are now in the well to do (ish) range and I get along OK in life, and...

yeah. I remember one kid, the teachers were -always- hard on him. Bible Belt, "poor white trash," etc. He's in prison, again...this time federal prison, probably for a while to go. And the "cool kids," many of whom were apparently involved not only in my own destruction but also plotted against my parents (long story...) are...

upstanding citizens! productive members of the community! professionals!

me? I get the label of "Schizophrenia," which would mean a life of state-subsidized poverty, periodic confinement, heavy duty drugging with brain damaging "medications..."

if it wasn't for Jesus and His work in my life and my parents' lives, too. its just...what the world has for me, that's all that is. Thankfully...

20 years since I squeaked out of high school, over 9 years since my last last last run with the law, 5 years off probation on a greatly reduced charge...

-sigh- I'm hoping and praying for an end to the outright --conflict-- with the community around me. I can deal with snark and such, but people deliberately intimidating me (I was in my bed, trying to sleep) at 1 AM, that kind of thing...

-very minor- compared to what -could be happening- , but not really something I particularly enjoy or want to continue dealing with. And...

faces change, the junk seems to remain pretty much the same, overall. one set of neighbors where I live sold their place and moved. a new neighbor moved in. for a long time, he was out on his front porch area, talking loudly about me, then he'd wave with a snide smile on his face...

for whatever reason(s), that behavior has simmered down, but...I get it, I do. And this isn't self-pity, its...I dunno, no one listens to me, no one wants to be honest and say: you seem to be an outcast, and your life runs against the way the world usually works, and...

ugh. -frustrating- , that's all. "cry baby." I get tired of that one, but its...what my little corner of a fallen world has for me, it seems. "He -cannot- live here" and/or "his parents -cannot- help him" and/or "he's supposed to go to (prison, state hospital, etc.)!" and/or "so, what? he deserved it!," on and on and on...

done. done and done.

I believe the first failure was the psychiatric route you were put through when what you really needed and might still need is psychology route (no meds and much more verbal therapy). Only meds at absolutely necessary mental roadblocks. Praise God you found Christ or He found you. That is at least the major part of the battle won.

 

[Christ_empowered]

me, yet again.

I think...honestly...given how the -entire mental health industry- seems to be more or less united behind psychiatry and psychiatric principles, my own "path" is just to...live, (re)learn how to live and be godlier, more morally upright in outlook and behavior...

and not deal so much with mental health, inc...not the talking section, not the pill pushing section. -shrug-

When I was in my late teens, the focus on pills-pills-pills was intensifying, but at least the talking ones would engage in convo, at times...and also recommend "maybe some xanax, as needed?" (I was 16!), but...OK.

now? ugh. I go to a community mental health clinic. Like many community mental health clinics, the focus is on "the meds," and "the meds" are often harsher (for whatever reason, they use antipsychotics for just about everyone, for any and all diagnoses/labels imaginable...) and used at higher doses than in private clinics, private outpatient shrinks or family doctors. This clinic also has a section in the parking lot reserved for law enforcement...read in-between the lines: take pills, shut up, do as you're told...--social control-- . sad. :-(

thing is...I think that's true of the whole industry, and I think its becoming more and more true, not because the industry itself is becoming worse, so much as society itself is becoming more and more rigid and controlling, at all strata. The mental health industry reflects the social and economic trends of the surrounding culture...both at the local level (my...often, rather depressing community mental health clinic) and at the larger level,...with new guidelines for psychologists, for instance, that emphasize controlling and correcting -behaviors- (often with pills in the mix, of course) and short-term treatment vs the more eclectic, open ended treatment of yesteryear.

and...then there's me, and Jesus' work in my life (thank God!). "He whom the Son has set free is set free, indeed...," and...yeah, I'm coming to truly agree and also (thank goodness) stand upon that verse, more and more. deal is...

the freedom I have in Christ is -infinitely- greater than I ever had, pre-Jesus, or that the world would have ever given me, ever...at all...period. "...in the world, but not of it..."

in my own life, thus so far, that's playing out with me being labeled heavily with "Schizophrenia," even though I'm now healthy, I apparently have a "high IQ (estimate)," and I'm remarkably normal in important ways (social skills, all the basics). It is what it is..."play the hand you're dealt," as with anybody. Thing is...

I had way, way, way more "Schizophrenic" symptoms before I got truly saved, before Jesus began moving in my life...

but the labels were more about behavior, control, lack of employment, "non-compliance," all that junk. Its what the world had for me, then...

and, honestly? To the extent that "Schizophrenia" exists, really and truly...

I think I had it, from a young age...mostly from a rough life growing up, largely because of social and economic factors (probably the same as anybody else, lol). "the personal is political," etc. and now...

I really, truly, honestly -do not- have the "symptoms" of such, but the label is pretty much on me, probably indefinitely. To me, that kind of...gives the game away. The labels are more for other people -- the community, society, all that -- not so much the individual. "Schizophrenia," in particular, is kind of...a social death sentence, lol. "Schizophrenics" are less likely to get hired, anyway...especially in communities like mine...

and then the chronic unemployment is explained away as a result of "Schizophrenia," and the cycle goes on. and on...

rambling...

blah. I -am- increasingly, truly grateful for Jesus and His work in my life and my parents' lives. Really, truly. Maybe...this is part of the sanctification process, in my case? 9 years into my walk with The Lord...

all the world seems to have ever had for me was condemnation of some sort. it happens...honestly, I think its becoming more frequent and more intense than it was back when I was a kid, teenager. so, I've gone from being some "punk kid, should go to juvenile detention" to being a "Schizophrenic, from a 'good family' ," and...

-shrug- Romans 8:28 .