mattbraunlin
Member
What Faith Means to Me
December 4, 2023
I have made the decision to wait on the Lord. To trust in his love and his power to deliver me. I am tending the garden of my present life, working hard at my job, devoting myself to my family, studying Scripture, writing, and learning immeasurably beautiful and valuable lessons.
But I have left my future entirely to God. Like Moses, David, Elijah, the Apostles, Paul, and so many of the heroes whose faith has inspired the world, my fate is in the hands of the Almighty.
I never had a choice, you know. From the moment my mind was torn to shreds so many years ago, I learned that my fate belonged to Christ.
I wept openly when I realized that Jesus was the only thing that kept me on this side of padded walls. While everyone else was going off to school, finding love and starting families, getting good paying jobs and nice houses, I spent a decade and a half clinging to Christ for dear life. My education was one of daily getting from dawn to dusk without dying or going insane. Only Jesus could possibly be the reason I survived the heartbreak and humiliation and terror and despair of those desperate years of mental, emotional and spiritual rehabilitation.
And now that I am strong again, there is only one thing I can do in the hope of a better future: wait on the Lord.
I am indeed strong again. I am a new creation, upright and joyful.
But I am also exhausted. So exhausted.
As far as any conventional means are concerned, success is out of my reach. I have little money, no practical skills, no connections, and am not naive enough to imagine that my fifth attempt at post-secondary education will be any different.
And I am exhausted.
God has indeed blessed me with a new lease on life. But as far as better fortunes go, I can hope only in him.
David was a masterful poet, a fearless warrior, a good king, and a man after God's own heart. And the key to his success was his knowledge of his helplessness. His desperate need for his Saviour.
He twice begged for God to rescue him in Psalm 3. He reduced himself to a lowly sheep in Psalm 23. In Psalm 40, the Psalm that has spoken to me above all others, he waited patiently for the Lord to help him, and again begged the Lord for rescue.
I am as helpless as David. And in his fashion, I have put my faith in God to rescue me and lead me like the sheep I am to my destiny.
And in that faith, I will wait. I will tend the garden. Even though like David I sometimes wonder whether God will forget me forever, I will wait. Even though my own mother thinks I'm a fool, I will wait.
I will work hard for my meagre living. I will absorb Scripture. I will be a daily light for Jesus to shine through. And I will write and write and write. But my fate - as much as in the hospital, as much as during my crisis, as much as during my divorce, as much as in that night of darkest despair which I should not have survived - is in God's hands.
And that is what faith means to me.
December 4, 2023
I have made the decision to wait on the Lord. To trust in his love and his power to deliver me. I am tending the garden of my present life, working hard at my job, devoting myself to my family, studying Scripture, writing, and learning immeasurably beautiful and valuable lessons.
But I have left my future entirely to God. Like Moses, David, Elijah, the Apostles, Paul, and so many of the heroes whose faith has inspired the world, my fate is in the hands of the Almighty.
I never had a choice, you know. From the moment my mind was torn to shreds so many years ago, I learned that my fate belonged to Christ.
I wept openly when I realized that Jesus was the only thing that kept me on this side of padded walls. While everyone else was going off to school, finding love and starting families, getting good paying jobs and nice houses, I spent a decade and a half clinging to Christ for dear life. My education was one of daily getting from dawn to dusk without dying or going insane. Only Jesus could possibly be the reason I survived the heartbreak and humiliation and terror and despair of those desperate years of mental, emotional and spiritual rehabilitation.
And now that I am strong again, there is only one thing I can do in the hope of a better future: wait on the Lord.
I am indeed strong again. I am a new creation, upright and joyful.
But I am also exhausted. So exhausted.
As far as any conventional means are concerned, success is out of my reach. I have little money, no practical skills, no connections, and am not naive enough to imagine that my fifth attempt at post-secondary education will be any different.
And I am exhausted.
God has indeed blessed me with a new lease on life. But as far as better fortunes go, I can hope only in him.
David was a masterful poet, a fearless warrior, a good king, and a man after God's own heart. And the key to his success was his knowledge of his helplessness. His desperate need for his Saviour.
He twice begged for God to rescue him in Psalm 3. He reduced himself to a lowly sheep in Psalm 23. In Psalm 40, the Psalm that has spoken to me above all others, he waited patiently for the Lord to help him, and again begged the Lord for rescue.
I am as helpless as David. And in his fashion, I have put my faith in God to rescue me and lead me like the sheep I am to my destiny.
And in that faith, I will wait. I will tend the garden. Even though like David I sometimes wonder whether God will forget me forever, I will wait. Even though my own mother thinks I'm a fool, I will wait.
I will work hard for my meagre living. I will absorb Scripture. I will be a daily light for Jesus to shine through. And I will write and write and write. But my fate - as much as in the hospital, as much as during my crisis, as much as during my divorce, as much as in that night of darkest despair which I should not have survived - is in God's hands.
And that is what faith means to me.
