What if I don't want to be the spiritual leader in my home?

[Hrive]

My wife keeps telling me that she wants me to be the spiritual leader of the house. Yet, she tells me she doesn't know what it looks like and I have to figure it out on my own. I am not a leader by any stretch of the imagination. I prefer to follow and never lead anyone.

It is how I have always been and want to continue doing since it's something that has worked my entire life. If I'm not a leader, why must I be one when I surely am not a leader. I don't buy that all men are born to be leaders. Certainly, I wasn't as I don't have a need, want or drive to be a leader, let alone a spiritual leader.

Being a spiritual leader was never talked about until after getting married. I was only a Christian for a month when we were married. So I had no idea that I was supposed to be one and I do not want to be a spiritual leader.

I don't want to lead anyone. We don't have Children, nor will we since my wife is sterile. So it's only her and I.

 

[WIP]

What does being a spiritual leader mean to you? What does it mean to your wife? Maybe you could start by clarifying these two questions first so you understand the expectations from each of you.

 

[Hrive]

What does being a spiritual leader mean to you? What does it mean to your wife? Maybe you could start by clarifying these two questions first so you understand the expectations from each of you.

As I mentioned, she doesn't know what it really looks like.

She wants me to lead in Bible study, saying grace, praying with her and everything else spiritually.

I do not want to do these things in a leadership position. I read my Bible myself, I say grace in my head and I pray alone. I don't want to lead in anything spiritually.

I am a follower, not a leader. I have no desire to be a leader.

 

[handy]

It might help to understand that your role in your household isn't going to be determined by what you want or what she wants...It's already determined by the fact that God has set the husband as the head of the household and the wife as submissive to her husband.

In other words, you already are the spiritual leader in your home, whether you want to be or not. This was the godly role you stepped into when you got married. So, the decision you face now is whether or not to be a good or bad leader.

Believe me, your path to good leadership is already paved much smoother in that your wife wants you to take on this godly role. I can relate to your wife in that I also wanted my husband to be a good spiritual leader...and he wasn't for quite sometime in our marriage. As a matter of fact, he was raised in a very feminist home and the idea of male spiritual leadership was treated with disdain and disrespect. But, God has lead him to become a much better spiritual leader in our home these past few years and believe me, our home life is so much better because of it.

You are also making a good decision by coming here and being honest about how you feel about this and hopefully gaining some useful insight as to what it means to be the spiritual leader in your home.

I get the impression that you and your wife are still fairly newly married and that you both are rather new at being Christians as well. Perhaps she's a bit further in her walk with God than you? Or you are both newbies?

This isn't a bad thing at all, because then the two of you can sort of grow into your roles as husband and wife just as you grow as Christians. The main thing would be to determine how to grow as Christians.

At this point in time, spiritual leadership in your home might be not need be anything more than simply determining to pray with your wife, talk over your needs together and pray for her and she for you and perhaps the two of you read a passage of Scripture together and talk about it. Daily prayer and bible reading is vital to all Christians, so this isn't anything difficult.

And, it could be that you are not comfortable reading aloud and praying aloud. Ok...if your wife is, ask her to do the reading and ask her to open and close the things you determine to do spiritually in your home with prayer.

My husband has a tough time reading aloud so he always has me do the reading. He also has me go over the catechism lessons with our kids and ask the questions, mainly because I'm simply more knowledgeable about the Bible than he is. One act of a good leader is to delegate things to the person most suited for it. If you don't like to read aloud, delegate the reading to your wife and then the two of you can talk about the passage together. That's leadership. If you don't feel comfortable in knowing which passage of Scriptures to read and know that she is working through a particular passage...have her share where she is at. Or, since you're still a fairly new Christian, read through one of the Gospels together...I'm very partial to the Gospel of John myself and think it's great for new Christians.

As for praying aloud...I find that to be something that a person grows in ability to do and one just simply must do it. When we first married, my husband never prayed aloud...he always delegated that to me. But, then he started with first reading the Lord's Prayer aloud, then memorizing some prayers and now he prays quite easily. I struggled with praying aloud before others in my early walk with God as well...it's something one grows into by simply doing it...no matter how awkward it is at first. With you, it will be nice that you will learn to do this with your loving wife...as opposed to being in a Junior High youth group where I was first called to pray aloud. It's OK to feel awkward about this...believe me, over time you simply grow into it and it gets better.

Another thing would be to be in a solid church, one that will also help you grow and equip you as a Christian man. As you grow in Christ, you will also grow in your comfort level to be the spiritual head of your home simply because it's a role that Christ Himself gives you.

You wife is asking a good thing of you...something that will help spur your growth as a Christian as well as set your home on a firm foundation. I know it seems wholly out of character for you know, and very uncomfortable, but you can do this and will be a stronger Christian because of it. After all, what is our walk with Christ if not that we shed our old character and grow into the character He wants us to be?

 

[Hrive]

It might help to understand that your role in your household isn't going to be determined by what you want or what she wants...It's already determined by the fact that God has set the husband as the head of the household and the wife as submissive to her husband.

In other words, you already are the spiritual leader in your home, whether you want to be or not. This was the godly role you stepped into when you got married. So, the decision you face now is whether or not to be a good or bad leader.

Believe me, your path to good leadership is already paved much smoother in that your wife wants you to take on this godly role. I can relate to your wife in that I also wanted my husband to be a good spiritual leader...and he wasn't for quite sometime in our marriage. As a matter of fact, he was raised in a very feminist home and the idea of male spiritual leadership was treated with disdain and disrespect. But, God has lead him to become a much better spiritual leader in our home these past few years and believe me, our home life is so much better because of it.

You are also making a good decision by coming here and being honest about how you feel about this and hopefully gaining some useful insight as to what it means to be the spiritual leader in your home.

I get the impression that you and your wife are still fairly newly married and that you both are rather new at being Christians as well. Perhaps she's a bit further in her walk with God than you? Or you are both newbies?

This isn't a bad thing at all, because then the two of you can sort of grow into your roles as husband and wife just as you grow as Christians. The main thing would be to determine how to grow as Christians.

At this point in time, spiritual leadership in your home might be not need be anything more than simply determining to pray with your wife, talk over your needs together and pray for her and she for you and perhaps the two of you read a passage of Scripture together and talk about it. Daily prayer and bible reading is vital to all Christians, so this isn't anything difficult.

And, it could be that you are not comfortable reading aloud and praying aloud. Ok...if your wife is, ask her to do the reading and ask her to open and close the things you determine to do spiritually in your home with prayer.

My husband has a tough time reading aloud so he always has me do the reading. He also has me go over the catechism lessons with our kids and ask the questions, mainly because I'm simply more knowledgeable about the Bible than he is. One act of a good leader is to delegate things to the person most suited for it. If you don't like to read aloud, delegate the reading to your wife and then the two of you can talk about the passage together. That's leadership. If you don't feel comfortable in knowing which passage of Scriptures to read and know that she is working through a particular passage...have her share where she is at. Or, since you're still a fairly new Christian, read through one of the Gospels together...I'm very partial to the Gospel of John myself and think it's great for new Christians.

As for praying aloud...I find that to be something that a person grows in ability to do and one just simply must do it. When we first married, my husband never prayed aloud...he always delegated that to me. But, then he started with first reading the Lord's Prayer aloud, then memorizing some prayers and now he prays quite easily. I struggled with praying aloud before others in my early walk with God as well...it's something one grows into by simply doing it...no matter how awkward it is at first. With you, it will be nice that you will learn to do this with your loving wife...as opposed to being in a Junior High youth group where I was first called to pray aloud. It's OK to feel awkward about this...believe me, over time you simply grow into it and it gets better.

Another thing would be to be in a solid church, one that will also help you grow and equip you as a Christian man. As you grow in Christ, you will also grow in your comfort level to be the spiritual head of your home simply because it's a role that Christ Himself gives you.

You wife is asking a good thing of you...something that will help spur your growth as a Christian as well as set your home on a firm foundation. I know it seems wholly out of character for you know, and very uncomfortable, but you can do this and will be a stronger Christian because of it. After all, what is our walk with Christ if not that we shed our old character and grow into the character He wants us to be?

My wife was a Christian for 4 years before meeting me. I will be a Christian for two years coming up in December and our two year anniversary will be in January. She will have been a Christian for 6 years.

My wife is not ok with reading scripture either. Her MS doesn't really allow her to read out loud. She gets distracted easily since her cognitive thinking has gone down the drain over the past few years.

Either way, I don't want this responsibility. I do not want to be a spiritual leader in my home or out. I am fine being a follower.

 

[handy]

Either way, I don't want this responsibility. I do not want to be a spiritual leader in my home or out. I am fine being a follower.

I'm not sure you have that option. Ephesians 5:23 states: For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.

Notice that the husband is the head of the wife. There really isn't a "should be" or an "I like it to be that" or even an "if you want to be" from God on this. He states it clearly, the husband is the head. You are the spiritual head of your home and you will be held accountable as such.

Your wife is asking something of you because she feels a need. As a woman who was in the same situation I can understand her need. Look further into what Ephesians 5:28-29 tells us: "So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church."

Your wife will feel much more nourished and cherished if you will but exercise your role...even if only at the level you are comfortable with. Earlier in the same passage, we are given our Lord's example: Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.

I realize that you have some kind of "hang up" about leadership...and I won't pretend to understand what it might be. But, perhaps it will help you to look at this from the perspective that it is an act of love on your part towards your wife to do this. Christ wasn't too thrilled with the idea of what He had to go through for the Church, but did it anyway out of His overwhelming love. You can also, in a daily way, pray and read some Scriptures with your wife...especially since it sounds as if she is losing her capability to do some of this on her own.

This doesn't need to be anything really elaborate at this point in time...even something as simple as getting one of those many devotionals, many churches hand them out for free, that have a short bible passage, a short essay and a printed prayer...all things that can be read through...could be enough to enable you to take on this role and start to fulfill a spiritual need of your wife's.

 

[Hrive]

I'm not sure you have that option. Ephesians 5:23 states: For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.

Notice that the husband is the head of the wife. There really isn't a "should be" or an "I like it to be that" or even an "if you want to be" from God on this. He states it clearly, the husband is the head. You are the spiritual head of your home and you will be held accountable as such.

Your wife is asking something of you because she feels a need. As a woman who was in the same situation I can understand her need. Look further into what Ephesians 5:28-29 tells us: "So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church."

Your wife will feel much more nourished and cherished if you will but exercise your role...even if only at the level you are comfortable with. Earlier in the same passage, we are given our Lord's example: Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.

I realize that you have some kind of "hang up" about leadership...and I won't pretend to understand what it might be. But, perhaps it will help you to look at this from the perspective that it is an act of love on your part towards your wife to do this. Christ wasn't too thrilled with the idea of what He had to go through for the Church, but did it anyway out of His overwhelming love. You can also, in a daily way, pray and read some Scriptures with your wife...especially since it sounds as if she is losing her capability to do some of this on her own.

This doesn't need to be anything really elaborate at this point in time...even something as simple as getting one of those many devotionals, many churches hand them out for free, that have a short bible passage, a short essay and a printed prayer...all things that can be read through...could be enough to enable you to take on this role and start to fulfill a spiritual need of your wife's.

Actually, I do have an option.

I guess I will stop being a Christian if this will be forced upon me.

 

[handy]

I was wondering if you felt it would come to this.

Hrive...either you truly are not a Christian now...or there is something very serious at the heart of this that you are not sharing.

Because...you have just stated that you would rather face an eternity in hell without God, love, joy, or peace, rather than take 10 to 15 minutes a day to read and pray with your wife, something that she desires of the man she loves.

Since I don't know you I don't know if you've been "playing" at being a Christian or that this is due to something really deeply seated within you.

 

[Hrive]

I was wondering if you felt it would come to this.

Hrive...either you truly are not a Christian now...or there is something very serious at the heart of this that you are not sharing.

Because...you have just stated that you would rather face an eternity in hell without God, love, joy, or peace, rather than take 10 to 15 minutes a day to read and pray with your wife, something that she desires of the man she loves.

Since I don't know you I don't know if you've been "playing" at being a Christian or that this is due to something really deeply seated within you.

It's that I don't want to be forced into doing something or being someone that I'm not.

I'm not a leader by any stretch of any imagination. If I am going to be forced into being a leader, then I want no part in whomever is going to force me to be a leader. That includes Christianity.

I can also tell you that I, up until now I guess, had a sincere desire to be Christian, but not if it forces me to do something such as being a leader when I am clearly not a leader.

 

[handy]

Would you mind sharing your testimony and why you believe that you are a Christian? I think it would be helpful here.

 

[Nacho]

Sounds like you are allowing fear to rule your life.

God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love and of a sound mind.

I am very much not a leader myself and I don't enjoy speaking publicly.

But Christianity is not about me or my hangups, it is about Jesus and what he has done for us.

I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.

That means followers can become leaders and leaders can become followers through Christ.

Ask Jesus to give you the strength, wisdom and courage to be the spiritual leader of your household.

 

[Hrive]

Would you mind sharing your testimony and why you believe that you are a Christian? I think it would be helpful here.

Pretty much how I became a Christian is I hit my knees and had no where else to turn.

I confessed my sins to God, believed that His Son died for my sins, that He rose on the 3rd day after His crucifixion and started to turn from my sins. I was even baptized last year in one of our local lakes. I wasn't supposed to be because I hadn't gone through the classes, but the pastor felt that I had shown a lot of faith by literally jumping into the water to be with the men that were there after they were baptized.

 

[handy]

Thank you for sharing your testimony. It helps to be sure that we are on the same page when we say "Christian" especially when someone is speaking of turning their back on their faith.

"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come." 2 Corinthians 5:17

You say you don't want to be forced into being someone you're not.

In reality, your conflict is that you are trying to stay someone you no longer are.


Being a Christian means to be a new creation. Our old selves with all the fears, hang-ups, desires, whatever are passed away. I've been taught that the verbs in that particular verse are far more "present" than "past". In other words, it would be good to read 2 Corinthians 5:17 as "old things are passing away, behold, things are becoming new". I'm not a Greek scholar, so I have to just rely upon the teaching about that, but I will say that it very true in Christ. He turns what used to be weaknesses into strengths. Yes, there are times when we cling to the old and the old habits and attitudes can hinder our walk. Paul spoke of this in Romans 7:22-25 when he said, "For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

But, this is our walk with God, to leave behind the old and take on the new. As of now, it seems that you are being challenged, not by your wife, nor by us, but by the Holy Spirit, to leave the old attitude of staying in your comfort zone and being a follower to taking the step of leadership, at least within your own home.

You have said that you would leave Christ if this is the case.

Well, you became a Christian because you had no where else to turn. Leave Christ, and you have no where else to turn either. So, in reality surrendering whatever it is that is so strong within you about "leadership" to Christ is much more sensible than rejecting Him and spending eternity without Him.

But, this need not be done in a spirit of fear. Nacho has given some wonderful advice. And, you need not think that you have to go from being a follower to being Billy Graham overnight. Just picking one simple thing, even if it's as simple as just saying a prayer together with your wife each night before going to bed is a step in the right direction.

It sounds as if your pastor is a pretty good one...have you discussed this with him?

 

[Hrive]

Thank you for sharing your testimony. It helps to be sure that we are on the same page when we say "Christian" especially when someone is speaking of turning their back on their faith.

"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come." 2 Corinthians 5:17

You say you don't want to be forced into being someone you're not.

In reality, your conflict is that you are trying to stay someone you no longer are.


Being a Christian means to be a new creation. Our old selves with all the fears, hang-ups, desires, whatever are passed away. I've been taught that the verbs in that particular verse are far more "present" than "past". In other words, it would be good to read 2 Corinthians 5:17 as "old things are passing away, behold, things are becoming new". I'm not a Greek scholar, so I have to just rely upon the teaching about that, but I will say that it very true in Christ. He turns what used to be weaknesses into strengths. Yes, there are times when we cling to the old and the old habits and attitudes can hinder our walk. Paul spoke of this in Romans 7:22-25 when he said, "For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

But, this is our walk with God, to leave behind the old and take on the new. As of now, it seems that you are being challenged, not by your wife, nor by us, but by the Holy Spirit, to leave the old attitude of staying in your comfort zone and being a follower to taking the step of leadership, at least within your own home.

You have said that you would leave Christ if this is the case.

Well, you became a Christian because you had no where else to turn. Leave Christ, and you have no where else to turn either. So, in reality surrendering whatever it is that is so strong within you about "leadership" to Christ is much more sensible than rejecting Him and spending eternity without Him.

But, this need not be done in a spirit of fear. Nacho has given some wonderful advice. And, you need not think that you have to go from being a follower to being Billy Graham overnight. Just picking one simple thing, even if it's as simple as just saying a prayer together with your wife each night before going to bed is a step in the right direction.

It sounds as if your pastor is a pretty good one...have you discussed this with him?

That pastor that I spoke of is no longer our pastor. I wanted out of that church because it wasn't truly biblical and he had threatened me using my wife as the threat among other things that he would preach. So we are attending another church currently. I have talked with one of the pastors there, and I was told to pray to become a leader. Pretty sure he wasn't paying attention since I never had any inclinations of becoming a leader and my question wasn't how do I become one.

I appreciate what you're trying to say, but I still do not want to be a leader. You say I am fighting to stay someone I no longer am. I am still a follower. That is a part of who I am, just as much as my hair is brown and so are my eyes. Some are born to lead and others to follow. I am a follower. It is just who I am and will continue to be.

 

[handy]

Wow...some pastor. Hopefully you are in a church now where you can receive proper instruction and fellowship.

I understand that you still don't want to be leader. Again, I see your basic conflict as you trying to stay someone you no longer are.

It sounds as if your wife has some real needs, needs that can be met by you. Since you've stated that you would give up being a Christian before taking on a leadership role, I'm going to ask, would you also consider divorcing her if her needs require you to take on the role?

I'm asking because I'm curious as to how deep this goes with you.

(I see that you edited as I was responding...however, I think I'll stick with my response. Eye color and hair color have nothing to do with godly roles and character.)

 

[Hrive]

Wow...some pastor. Hopefully you are in a church now where you can receive proper instruction and fellowship.

I understand that you still don't want to be leader. Again, I see your basic conflict as you trying to stay someone you no longer are.

It sounds as if your wife has some real needs, needs that can be met by you. Since you've stated that you would give up being a Christian before taking on a leadership role, I'm going to ask, would you also consider divorcing her if her needs require you to take on the role?

I'm asking because I'm curious as to how deep this goes with you.

(I see that you edited as I was responding...however, I think I'll stick with my response. Eye color and hair color have nothing to do with godly roles and character.)

No, I wouldn't divorce my wife.

Yes, eye color and hair color does go with something like being a leader. As I said, some people are born leaders and other followers, I happen to be a follower and wasn't born a leader, just as some were born with brown hair and eyes, just like I was. It has worked well for as long as I have been alive.

Why would I go and change something that's not broken?

 

[handy]

No, I wouldn't divorce my wife.

Yes, eye color and hair color does go with something like being a leader. As I said, some people are born leaders and other followers, I happen to be a follower and wasn't born a leader, just as some were born with brown hair and eyes, just like I was. It has worked well for as long as I have been alive.

Why would I go and change something that's not broken?

Why wouldn't you if both your Lord and your wife desire you to do this?

 

[Hrive]

Why wouldn't you if both your Lord and your wife desire you to do this?

Because it's not broken.

Besides, she doesn't even know what she's really asking for. She's parroting something someone else has said. Someone told her that your husband needs to be the spiritual leader of your home.

I asked what she meant by that and she told me she doesn't know, it was some other woman who told her what I need to be. I guess she was asked if I pray with her, read the Bible with her and other things.

 

[handy]

You say your wife is "parroting"...perhaps instead she has learned a truth...a truth you don't seem to want to accept...that a husband is the spiritual leader in the home. The "someone" who told her, taught her something that is now a part of her spiritual walk, something that is important to her spiritual well-being.

Jesus said, "If you love Me, you will obey My commandments." Now, Jesus' commandments are easy, rooted in our love for God and our love for others. This is one of those things. It is rooted in the love that Christ has for us, His Church, and rooted in the love a husband is to have for his wife.

I'm glad to hear that you wouldn't divorce your wife over this...that's good to hear.

I'm still a bit perplexed as to why this is such a deep issue for you. Generally, in the adult world, "Because I don't want to" or "Not my thing" aren't really acceptable answers for refusing to step up to one's responsibilities...especially in something as relatively easy as praying and reading Scriptures with the woman one loves.

And yet, other than reiterating that you don't want to do this...you've not really given any reason as to why you would jettison your faith in Christ before you would do this...

You started this thread with "My wife keeps telling me that she wants me to be the spiritual leader of the house." Obviously, this is something that is important to her...and, I've already shared that this is something that is expected of men from the Scriptures.

You are refusing to do it. So, yes...yes, something is "broken". What is "broken" is your willingness to do something that is both loving of you to do for your wife and expected of you by your Lord.

 

[Hrive]

You say your wife is "parroting"...perhaps instead she has learned a truth...a truth you don't seem to want to accept...that a husband is the spiritual leader in the home. The "someone" who told her, taught her something that is now a part of her spiritual walk, something that is important to her spiritual well-being.

Jesus said, "If you love Me, you will obey My commandments." Now, Jesus' commandments are easy, rooted in our love for God and our love for others. This is one of those things. It is rooted in the love that Christ has for us, His Church, and rooted in the love a husband is to have for his wife.

I'm glad to hear that you wouldn't divorce your wife over this...that's good to hear.

I'm still a bit perplexed as to why this is such a deep issue for you. Generally, in the adult world, "Because I don't want to" or "Not my thing" aren't really acceptable answers for refusing to step up to one's responsibilities...especially in something as relatively easy as praying and reading Scriptures with the woman one loves.

And yet, other than reiterating that you don't want to do this...you've not really given any reason as to why you would jettison your faith in Christ before you would do this...

You started this thread with "My wife keeps telling me that she wants me to be the spiritual leader of the house." Obviously, this is something that is important to her...and, I've already shared that this is something that is expected of men from the Scriptures.

You are refusing to do it. So, yes...yes, something is "broken". What is "broken" is your willingness to do something that is both loving of you to do for your wife and expected of you by your Lord.

This is just going around in circles now and I am not a circular argument kind of person.

I will end it with I just do not want that responsibility. Nor am I accepting of the responsibility that my wife's spiritual life is in my hands. I would also accept that she learned a biblical truth if she did some research into it, but she hasn't. Someone told her I should be something and that is what she's sticking with. She hasn't even gone and looked it up for herself.