What will be the right in this relationship?

[silver girl]

Hi guys, I am relatively new to this site and I would to ask for some relationship advice.

We met online 10 months ago, been "official" for 2 months and our journey has been rocky ever since.

I do not know is it because we have no close mutual friends which explains the distrust, i have trust issues, or he making me insecure. Ultimately, the problem is I have anchored my "securities" onto a human person and not God.

I have tried communicating with him, told him ways of possibility making me feel better (meeting up more often etc). However, I think it is controlling of me to do so as he just recently told me that it has been draining for him on his end. Besides those, he also told me what he was uncomfortable with:
1. He has not told anyone that we are together. He explained that he is uncomfortable with it so early on in the relationship, which means I have not seen his family or friends yet. It worries me and make me feel like a secret and I am not worthy to be known. He could not give me a "timeline" of when he will be comfortable as well..

2. He has a strong stance AGAINST PDA. I am not allowed to hold his hands etc in public areas. He is alright in more private areas, but not public areas... Again, makes me feel like I am a secret.

My question is now... Is he the cause of my insecurities or am I just that distrustful? I want to remove all these insecurities in me and refocus my eyes on God. But how should I do it? Should I break up with him and work on myself with God? Or work together to make this relationship work with God in the center? If so, how do I do that?

 

[JoChris]

Unless it is against the law in your country to display any forms of affection I do not understand why he is unwilling to hold hands.
After 2 months and still not wanting to let anyone know? I dislike to type this but I do not have any hopes for your relationship. Only he and God knows his motives, but actions speak louder than words.

He is acting ashamed of you. I also suspect he is somehow planting thoughts that you are responsible for any problems. If you are sounding so unhappy at the beginning of a relationship - when people are most infatuated with each other and trying to make the best impression- then it is not going to get better.

I hate to sound so negative but I believe you want to know the truth. I had a not-so-secret relationship with my ex boyfriend in my late teens and your post brought back some memories. Please cut ties before you get really serious. I will pray for you.

 

[silver girl]

Unless it is against the law in your country to display any forms of affection I do not understand why he is unwilling to hold hands.
After 2 months and still not wanting to let anyone know? I dislike to type this but I do not have any hopes for your relationship. Only he and God knows his motives, but actions speak louder than words.

He is acting ashamed of you. I also suspect he is somehow planting thoughts that you are responsible for any problems. If you are sounding so unhappy at the beginning of a relationship - when people are most infatuated with each other and trying to make the best impression- then it is not going to get better.

I hate to sound so negative but I believe you want to know the truth. I had a not-so-secret relationship with my ex boyfriend in my late teens and your post brought back some memories. Please cut ties before you get really serious. I will pray for you.

I do not understand either, I feel that I tried everything - initiating holding of hands (which after a couple of minutes, he will let it go), or asking why is he so reluctant to let his friends know (not comfortable with randomly mentioning it etc, feels weird to bring me along to their random meetups. I have asked him about when did he introduced his ex of a 2 year relationship to his friends, and he told me after a year! I just can't understand that reasoning..

Thank you. I will pray to God to see what will be the best for me.

 

[JoChris]

I do not understand either, I feel that I tried everything - initiating holding of hands (which after a couple of minutes, he will let it go), or asking why is he so reluctant to let his friends know (not comfortable with randomly mentioning it etc, feels weird to bring me along to their random meetups. I have asked him about when did he introduced his ex of a 2 year relationship to his friends, and he told me after a year! I just can't understand that reasoning..

Thank you. I will pray to God to see what will be the best for me.

It is the subtle tone of manipulation that concerns me. Prayerfully consider this website. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...igns-psychological-and-emotional-manipulation

 

[silver girl]

It is the subtle tone of manipulation that concerns me. Prayerfully consider this website. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...igns-psychological-and-emotional-manipulation

I couldn’t really sympathise with some of the points stated... I don’t think he’s “manipulating” me in any way, but perhaps the underlying reason is because he is not ready to commit yet...

I’m not sure whether I should give it some time but at the same time, I would rather end it now if it is going nowhere...

Thanks for your prayer and I pray that I can be attentive to God’s voice through it all.

 

[silver girl]

It is the subtle tone of manipulation that concerns me. Prayerfully consider this website. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...igns-psychological-and-emotional-manipulation

Apologies, I suddenly realize something. A couple of weeks back, he invited me to go on a roadtrip with his friends. I did not go as I found it pretty last minute (he told me one week before the actual date). If he plans to hide me.. why would he ask me whether I wanted to go along if there is a probability of saying yes. Was he going to introduce me as a friend if I went?

 

[JoChris]

Apologies, I suddenly realize something. A couple of weeks back, he invited me to go on a roadtrip with his friends. I did not go as I found it pretty last minute (he told me one week before the actual date). If he plans to hide me.. why would he ask me whether I wanted to go along if there is a probability of saying yes. Was he going to introduce me as a friend if I went?

Only he would be able to answer that question, if you were going to be introduced as his girlfriend or not.

The roadtrip - do you know his friends at all? What are they like?

 

[silver girl]

Only he would be able to answer that question, if you were going to be introduced as his girlfriend or not.

The roadtrip - do you know his friends at all? What are they like?

No, I have never met those friends before... So I can't answer how are they like.

Maybe he will find some excuses if I did say yes, I don't know..

 

[JoChris]

Perhaps when opportunity arises you should take advantage if possible?

Watch him with friends and how he treats you in front of them. Openness about what you mean to him and his respect should be given to you in front of his friends at very least.

 

[silver girl]

Perhaps when opportunity arises you should take advantage if possible?

Watch him with friends and how he treats you in front of them. Openness about what you mean to him and his respect should be given to you in front of his friends at very least.

Sounds like a plan, though I do not know when the next opportunity will come...

That was my intention, to see how he acts around his friends and how he will treat me. However, I can't force him to bring me along etc.

I don't get why he is okay with attending my church services at times (and see some of my friends but with no much interaction) and me mentioning him to my friends but not the other way round..

Thanks for your patience in reading. God Bless.

 

[Camidria]

Hi!! So it seems to me that the problem here is to do with expectations and perhaps also love languages. A person who gives love by touch likes public affection whereas someone who is isn't a physical touch person will usually feel uncomfortable with it. Also maybe he is a very private person and he wants to make sure things work out before he tells his friends and family. There is a few things that I believe is important when evaluating a relationship. Can you be yourself with him or does it feel like you have to constantly change when you are around him? Is he the type of person that can be your best friend? And also be honest and ask yourself if you can live with some of the things you mentioned.

You see, I was once in a similar relationship with a guy and he changed my fundamental personality that I was not being myself anymore.

Any relationship that you embark on should be prayerfully considered, and then look critically at the facts. Ask yourself what are your expectations in a relationship, are they realistic and can you live without these things if they are never satisfied?

Let me give an example, I am a very adventurous person and were dating someone that never wanted to go out. There is nothing wrong with just wanting to stay home always but I knew that I would die a slow death if my adventurous side couldn't be satisfied. This was one of the fundamental differences that I couldn't live with and just one of the reasons I ended my relationship with this guy.

 

[Camidria]

So the last thing I also want to mention is that the trust issues, maybe this relationship is revealing them that you can take them to the Lord and have a look at them. Pray that God will reveal where they come from and what you should do to be secure. This can greatly strain a relationship and if you want to do it right, it is good that you take the Lord's hand to sort it out. This guy overall sounds like he could perhaps not be a good match for you because of some of the things that you need in a relationship. But pray about all of this and in the end, trust God to give you someone, or to take away someone - believe me, He makes the best choices!! Blessings!

 

[silver girl]

Hi!! So it seems to me that the problem here is to do with expectations and perhaps also love languages. A person who gives love by touch likes public affection whereas someone who is isn't a physical touch person will usually feel uncomfortable with it. Also maybe he is a very private person and he wants to make sure things work out before he tells his friends and family. There is a few things that I believe is important when evaluating a relationship. Can you be yourself with him or does it feel like you have to constantly change when you are around him? Is he the type of person that can be your best friend? And also be honest and ask yourself if you can live with some of the things you mentioned.

You see, I was once in a similar relationship with a guy and he changed my fundamental personality that I was not being myself anymore.

Any relationship that you embark on should be prayerfully considered, and then look critically at the facts. Ask yourself what are your expectations in a relationship, are they realistic and can you live without these things if they are never satisfied?

Let me give an example, I am a very adventurous person and were dating someone that never wanted to go out. There is nothing wrong with just wanting to stay home always but I knew that I would die a slow death if my adventurous side couldn't be satisfied. This was one of the fundamental differences that I couldn't live with and just one of the reasons I ended my relationship with this guy.

Hi Camidria, thank you for your advice. It's strange though as his love language seems to be physical touch when there are "lesser" people around, i.e. the cinemas, places with lesser people etc. But probably.

I am pretty much the same when I am with him and when I am with my friends, which is good. However, it is the times where we are apart and I suddenly start to overthink and stop being myself..

I have done numerous things that I felt that it was wrong of me to do, which is to rush love. I was the one who asked to be in a relationship with him. After that, I felt insecure about whether he liked me so I asked him to meet me more, text me more etc. After which, my fears shifted to whether he is willing to commit in this relationship and I will constantly look for "signs" or "acts" that he was serious about this relationship. If I calm my nerves, I do feel that I will be uncomfortable if someone were to ask me to meet his parents/ friends within 2 months into the relationship. I guess what I am shock at was because he did not tell anyone...

I looked back and felt that, yes, I have placed my anchor onto the wrong person... Perhaps he is truly not ready to be in a relationship with me, he is still getting to know me and like what you said, ensure that things are going smoothly before informing his friends/ family.

 

[silver girl]

So the last thing I also want to mention is that the trust issues, maybe this relationship is revealing them that you can take them to the Lord and have a look at them. Pray that God will reveal where they come from and what you should do to be secure. This can greatly strain a relationship and if you want to do it right, it is good that you take the Lord's hand to sort it out. This guy overall sounds like he could perhaps not be a good match for you because of some of the things that you need in a relationship. But pray about all of this and in the end, trust God to give you someone, or to take away someone - believe me, He makes the best choices!! Blessings!

After talking to my sisters in Christ, I have decided to take a step back in this relationship (not to rush love anymore) and work on myself and my relationship with God before coming back to reevaluate this relationship. To give him some time as well and not to suffocate him with all my demands. It is tough and may take awhile, and I am afraid, but I pray to God and remind myself that He will bring me through this.

It may not be the right relationship for me, it may be.. But I do know God placed him in my life for a reason and I praise Lord for that.

God bless and take care.