Before the Covid pandemic, I don’t recall using the phrase “decision fatigue.” Now it is part of my pastoral vocabulary. I’m still recovering from the fatigue of pandemic decisions.
One of the most significant categories of decisions that wear pastors and leaders out are questions of when to confront. When does a pastor call a deacon and say, “It was a bad idea to throw your coffee cup. You and I need to meet”? When does a pastor decide to overlook the offense and watch the NFL playoffs instead? The stakes for such decisions are high. And whether a pastor should confront is not always obvious.
Part I of “When Should a Pastor Confront?” made the point that pastors must wisely decide when to overlook and when to confront an offense in the life of the church. This means pastors facing confrontation questions should take a “wisdom supplement” by spending regular time in God’s Word with a special focus on Proverbs.
In addition to the general encouragement to sharpen your wisdom saw, six diagnostic questions can help pastors wisely decide when to confront.
First, before confronting, a pastor should ask, “Have I examined myself yet?” In the case of meeting dynamics, before calling someone else out, I need to prayerfully review my conduct to be sure I notice the beams in my life before pointing out the specks on other people’s glasses.
Second, before confronting, ask, “How sure am I that I am right?” None of us read situations perfectly. We must always consider that our assessment may be wrong. In those instances where right and wrong are unclear, it is usually best to drop the matter. Love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8). A person’s wisdom gives him patience (Proverbs 19:11).
Two other observations are in order. First, if there truly is sin in the life of the other person and it is someone with whom you interact regularly, it will probably come up again. You can talk about it at that time. Second, if you always—or almost always—think you are correct, then you have a pride problem.
Third, before confronting, ask, “How important is this?” I cringe to think about situations when I have spent too much time on things that didn’t matter. At a deacon’s meeting, we did a taste test to decide what kind of communion wafers to use. Theological truths did not drive this decision. There were conflicting preferences about what we should serve for communion. Fortunately, there was a good spirit in the room, and we deferred to the majority consensus. We chose “Styrofoam,” and I humbly lived with the choice. (Although I am still complaining about it 20 years later).
But you know where this is going. While I have a preference about what we should use for communion, it is not an important issue. It doesn’t matter. No matter how strongly I feel about our church forcing people to digest Styro-wafers, it would be totally out of place for me to make a big deal about it. If the source of your conflict is not that important in the long run or the big scope, then drop the matter. Don’t start a quarrel over it.
I mentioned above that if you always think you are right, you have a pride problem. Similarly, if you think that everything is important, you have a sensitivity problem. We all know someone who thinks every offense is a big deal. *
Fourth, before confronting, ask, “Does this person show a pattern of this behavior?” Consider the example of conflicts that happen because someone is not on time. If someone is 10 minutes late on one occasion, it is probably not worth confronting. If the person is perpetually late, you may want to point out that he is cultivating a selfish habit. Or we could come at it from the opposite angle. If someone is irritated once because everyone else is not as punctual as he or she, you may not choose to say anything. But if you notice this person has become the “time sheriff” who is offended each time someone shows up a few minutes late, you may want to address it as a potential problem.
Fifth, before confronting, ask, “What do wise people counsel me to do?” If it is appropriate, seek wise counsel before you confront. Be careful in this approach. Don’t use the “wise counsel” excuse to gossip to someone else. But suppose another leader is already aware of the situation. If so, ask whether they think you should pursue a resolution or let the matter go.
Jesus taught that the second time we confront someone, we should take one or two others along (Matthew 18:15-17). I believe one reason he taught this is that those one or two others might encourage us to drop the matter. In which case, we should let love cover the issue.
Sixth, before confronting, ask, “What else is going on in the other person’s world?” Perhaps the person has been under a great deal of pressure for one reason or the other. If that’s the case, maybe you should drop it. Likewise, if you have been under a great deal of pressure yourself or experienced fatigue, you should consider the possibility that you are more sensitive than usual. Remember, “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense” (Proverbs 19:11). There should be times when you let love cover a matter because of the circumstances surrounding the offense.
Considering what else is happening in the other person’s world brings me back to the opening illustration I mentioned in Part I of “When Should a Pastor Confront?.” Someone was abrasive in a missions committee meeting. A few days after the incident, while I considered what to do, I received news the insensitive man had learned shortly before the meeting that he had cancer. It was evident that this was the time for love to overlook the offense.
One cannot answer every confrontation question so easily. Other decisions last for months and even years. Each time, our goal must be to discern wisely the right course of action. We will make sound decisions only if we sharpen our wisdom saws regularly.
*The point that people who are always right have a pride problem while those who think everything is important are too sensitive is not my original idea. I heard this advice over 30 years ago and am unsure where to give proper credit.
The post When Should Pastors Confront? Six Questions to Ask appeared first on Focus on the Family.
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One of the most significant categories of decisions that wear pastors and leaders out are questions of when to confront. When does a pastor call a deacon and say, “It was a bad idea to throw your coffee cup. You and I need to meet”? When does a pastor decide to overlook the offense and watch the NFL playoffs instead? The stakes for such decisions are high. And whether a pastor should confront is not always obvious.
Part I of “When Should a Pastor Confront?” made the point that pastors must wisely decide when to overlook and when to confront an offense in the life of the church. This means pastors facing confrontation questions should take a “wisdom supplement” by spending regular time in God’s Word with a special focus on Proverbs.
In addition to the general encouragement to sharpen your wisdom saw, six diagnostic questions can help pastors wisely decide when to confront.
1. Examine yourself
First, before confronting, a pastor should ask, “Have I examined myself yet?” In the case of meeting dynamics, before calling someone else out, I need to prayerfully review my conduct to be sure I notice the beams in my life before pointing out the specks on other people’s glasses.
2. Are you sure you’re right?
Second, before confronting, ask, “How sure am I that I am right?” None of us read situations perfectly. We must always consider that our assessment may be wrong. In those instances where right and wrong are unclear, it is usually best to drop the matter. Love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8). A person’s wisdom gives him patience (Proverbs 19:11).
Two other observations are in order. First, if there truly is sin in the life of the other person and it is someone with whom you interact regularly, it will probably come up again. You can talk about it at that time. Second, if you always—or almost always—think you are correct, then you have a pride problem.
3. How important is this matter?
Third, before confronting, ask, “How important is this?” I cringe to think about situations when I have spent too much time on things that didn’t matter. At a deacon’s meeting, we did a taste test to decide what kind of communion wafers to use. Theological truths did not drive this decision. There were conflicting preferences about what we should serve for communion. Fortunately, there was a good spirit in the room, and we deferred to the majority consensus. We chose “Styrofoam,” and I humbly lived with the choice. (Although I am still complaining about it 20 years later).
But you know where this is going. While I have a preference about what we should use for communion, it is not an important issue. It doesn’t matter. No matter how strongly I feel about our church forcing people to digest Styro-wafers, it would be totally out of place for me to make a big deal about it. If the source of your conflict is not that important in the long run or the big scope, then drop the matter. Don’t start a quarrel over it.
I mentioned above that if you always think you are right, you have a pride problem. Similarly, if you think that everything is important, you have a sensitivity problem. We all know someone who thinks every offense is a big deal. *
4. Is this a pattern?
Fourth, before confronting, ask, “Does this person show a pattern of this behavior?” Consider the example of conflicts that happen because someone is not on time. If someone is 10 minutes late on one occasion, it is probably not worth confronting. If the person is perpetually late, you may want to point out that he is cultivating a selfish habit. Or we could come at it from the opposite angle. If someone is irritated once because everyone else is not as punctual as he or she, you may not choose to say anything. But if you notice this person has become the “time sheriff” who is offended each time someone shows up a few minutes late, you may want to address it as a potential problem.
5. Seek wise counsel
Fifth, before confronting, ask, “What do wise people counsel me to do?” If it is appropriate, seek wise counsel before you confront. Be careful in this approach. Don’t use the “wise counsel” excuse to gossip to someone else. But suppose another leader is already aware of the situation. If so, ask whether they think you should pursue a resolution or let the matter go.
Jesus taught that the second time we confront someone, we should take one or two others along (Matthew 18:15-17). I believe one reason he taught this is that those one or two others might encourage us to drop the matter. In which case, we should let love cover the issue.
6. What’s going on with the other person?
Sixth, before confronting, ask, “What else is going on in the other person’s world?” Perhaps the person has been under a great deal of pressure for one reason or the other. If that’s the case, maybe you should drop it. Likewise, if you have been under a great deal of pressure yourself or experienced fatigue, you should consider the possibility that you are more sensitive than usual. Remember, “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense” (Proverbs 19:11). There should be times when you let love cover a matter because of the circumstances surrounding the offense.
Considering what else is happening in the other person’s world brings me back to the opening illustration I mentioned in Part I of “When Should a Pastor Confront?.” Someone was abrasive in a missions committee meeting. A few days after the incident, while I considered what to do, I received news the insensitive man had learned shortly before the meeting that he had cancer. It was evident that this was the time for love to overlook the offense.
One cannot answer every confrontation question so easily. Other decisions last for months and even years. Each time, our goal must be to discern wisely the right course of action. We will make sound decisions only if we sharpen our wisdom saws regularly.
*The point that people who are always right have a pride problem while those who think everything is important are too sensitive is not my original idea. I heard this advice over 30 years ago and am unsure where to give proper credit.
The post When Should Pastors Confront? Six Questions to Ask appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...