C
cly
Guest
These were sent to me by my Aunt Julia. I thought I'd share them. Hope you like them! I think my aunt may have gotten them from the website at the bottom of the page; that's why I left it on there.
--CLY
****************************
WEEKS OF FUN # 483
People here in Texas have trouble with all those "shalls" and "shall nots" in the Ten
Commandments.
Folks here just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks out in west Texas
got together and translated the "King James" into "King Ranch" language:
The Cowboy's Ten Commandments (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie,
Texas)
(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'.
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin.'
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.
Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think?
Y'all have a good day.
******
Each evening a bird lover, Tom, stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl. One night an owl
called back to him.
For a year Tom and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the
"conversation."
Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter-species communication, his
wife had a chat with her neighbor.
"My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said.
"That's odd," the neighbor replied, "so does mine."
Florida Real Estate Salesman
A Florida real estate salesman had just closed his first deal; only to discover that the piece of land
he had sold was completely under water.
"That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he said to his boss. "Should I give him his
money back?"
"Money back?" roared the boss. "What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a
houseboat."
*******
Can cold water clean dishes?
This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared
breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his
plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and
finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his
appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you
sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as
cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his
grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ....
"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"
******
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club
and start exercising... I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped
up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
------------------------------------------
Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
------------------------------------------
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's get some water."
-------------------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but
its state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
-------------------------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw
Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful'"
********
http://WWW.HEALINGPASSAGES.COM
--CLY
****************************
WEEKS OF FUN # 483
People here in Texas have trouble with all those "shalls" and "shall nots" in the Ten
Commandments.
Folks here just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks out in west Texas
got together and translated the "King James" into "King Ranch" language:
The Cowboy's Ten Commandments (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie,
Texas)
(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'.
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin.'
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.
Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think?
Y'all have a good day.
******
Each evening a bird lover, Tom, stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl. One night an owl
called back to him.
For a year Tom and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the
"conversation."
Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter-species communication, his
wife had a chat with her neighbor.
"My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said.
"That's odd," the neighbor replied, "so does mine."
Florida Real Estate Salesman
A Florida real estate salesman had just closed his first deal; only to discover that the piece of land
he had sold was completely under water.
"That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he said to his boss. "Should I give him his
money back?"
"Money back?" roared the boss. "What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a
houseboat."
*******
Can cold water clean dishes?
This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared
breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his
plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and
finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his
appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you
sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as
cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his
grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ....
"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"
******
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club
and start exercising... I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped
up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
------------------------------------------
Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
------------------------------------------
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's get some water."
-------------------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but
its state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
-------------------------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw
Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful'"
********
http://WWW.HEALINGPASSAGES.COM