Hi, this will probably be long so if you read this whole thing, thank you.
So, I'm worried about my salvation. I'll start with when I was 12 (I'm 21 now). I remember pretty much first hearing about Jesus and not just that there was a God. My family has always been very secular but I always knew there was a God. I remember that night when I was 12 feeling like as I like to say, "My ears being cleaned". But afterwards I had this deep sorrow and feeling of doom for a few weeks and didn't want to eat and all I wanted to do was sleep. I felt down because when I heard that there would be an end to the world I felt bad that I may never get to experience worldly things. Like kissing a boy, getting married, etc.. I don't think I repented or even knew what it was or that I needed to do that. My mom and I went to a little church for a little while and then stopped and I continued living a secular life. When I was 16 I had this fear again. A 'doom' kind of fear and decided to attend church with a friend and went to church camp that summer. I remember they talked about Jesus returning and I had that fear again and wondered why I was the only one who felt scared about it instead of happy. We all repented and I thought 'ok I'm ready'. Or at least I made myself think that. After that, I only went to church one more time and continued to live a secular 'typical' teenage life. (Drinking, smoking, premarital sex). When I was 18 I moved in with who is now my fiance. After a while I started to worry about the way I was living and we stopped having sex and I stopped smoking and drinking. After a while however, I starting drinking wine because I thought it was more biblical than smoking pot and then I started doing that too and then I started doing pretty much whatever I felt like. So about a month ago, I saw a post about the May 21st profecy and it really scared me. I felt like I was getting that doomed fear again so my boyfriend and I went over the bible and he reassured me ( like he has done before) that there needed to be an anti-christ. He also told me that if we went through the end times, as long as I didn't have the demonic number on my body I'd be able to go to heaven.(I've spent a good deal of my life thinking that the end times would be some demon asking me if I want to put the number on my body, and if I said no he'd kill me or gouge out me eyes or something. But as long as I didn't agree to it I'd be fine.) So that night, I still didn't feel reassured so I called a friend of mine who goes to a Christian college and he said I need to be baptized, fix my living situation with my boyfriend, and that I should depart from my homosexual friends. I was so scared that something was going to happen between the hours of that phone call and when I called the next morning to be baptized. So I went to the Church and the pastor told me all I needed to do was believe, repent and be baptized. I did that and then I went home thinking I would feel relieved. I wasn't. I couldn't go to sleep and then sometimes, as soon as I would fall asleep I would jerk up. There was one day where I felt so uneasy. I had tremendous fear and didn't know if I had done it all right. I would call my pastor at different times of the day with fear and uncertainty. He would always say "You're fine". Then I started watching Francis Chan's videos on youtube and I thought 'so that's what it is. I need to do more to really live a christian life and help others and be crazy about it'. But I didn't feel the want to do it and I would make myself do stuff. I was confused and then I started watching John Piper and I heard him talk about having joy and glorifying God. So I started to pray to God to give me that joy and fill me with the Holy Spirit. I kept listening to John Piper and one night I heard him talk about the story of Esue and how he waited to repent and then when he wanted the blessing he didn't get it because he waited too long. So I thought it meant God won't forgive me because I sinned too badly and he doesn't want me. I was so scared and thought I was doomed. So I actually went to a church in another town the next day because i was out of town and talked to a youth pastor who gave me a 'salvation study guide' and I was going through it and going through the bible verses I would read more than just what I was given to study and came upon Hebrews where it says 'Refusing God' and it talked about Esue. I was scared so I actually called John Piper's church and talked to a counselor who lead me through scripture and assured me I was not past being forgiven pretty much and to keep my eyes on God. So a couple of days ago I was reading John Piper again on his website and it was talking about the unpardonable sin and how do you know that your repentance is real. He said the unpardonable sin is a sin where you are past repenting and that Esue was past repenting. He could not have a change of heart because I think his heart was so hard. It's not anything in particular. As long as you can feel guilty about what you've done and believe Christ can forgive you you're not in that state. So, for a moment I felt ok because I do feel guilty for my sins but here's the thing... I guess I just keep doubting myself and my reasons. As soon as I feel guilty I think 'you're just making yourself feel that way'. He talks about how people think they are saved by works and not God's grace. And that baptism cannot save you. I'm afraid the church I go to teaches that. Because often they'll say 'If you want to have God in your life come up and be baptized" or something like that. I feel like my world is being turned upside down. I always thought I was a christian. I always told people that, even when I was sinning. I thought God 'had my back'. Now I look back on my sins and when I was always afraid of the end of the world. I'm afriad I can't repent. I'm living with my sister right now, which is not easy because they are not Christians and I know I am giving Christians a bad name because all i do is read john piper in the computer room and the ipod and i haven't really socialized with them in the past couple of days. Today my sister said I needed to maybe go to a home and get help or be put on meds. She said I'm not acting normal. I do have ocd and I think maybe that's why I can't seem to feel real repentance because I am constantly doubting myself. I feel very selfish right now because all I'm doing is reading and reading and trying to wrap my mind around Christianity and trying to have hope that I can be ok. Every time I feel hungry or do something that isn't reading up on it I feel like 'you're giving into yourself' 'you're wasting time!' and that I may not be that sincere. At night I don't fall asleep until I'm absolutely tired and I've started jerking back awake again. I keep thinking that Jesus could come at any moment or that I could die at any time. I just want to be able to know I'm saved, glorify God, and help others be saved. i feel like I've given a bad name to the faith with my constant fear. Does anyone have any postive things to say? Will you pray for me? I have no idea what to do. I'm supposed to get a job, get married, and go to school soon. How do you do that when you are concerned about your salvation?
So, I'm worried about my salvation. I'll start with when I was 12 (I'm 21 now). I remember pretty much first hearing about Jesus and not just that there was a God. My family has always been very secular but I always knew there was a God. I remember that night when I was 12 feeling like as I like to say, "My ears being cleaned". But afterwards I had this deep sorrow and feeling of doom for a few weeks and didn't want to eat and all I wanted to do was sleep. I felt down because when I heard that there would be an end to the world I felt bad that I may never get to experience worldly things. Like kissing a boy, getting married, etc.. I don't think I repented or even knew what it was or that I needed to do that. My mom and I went to a little church for a little while and then stopped and I continued living a secular life. When I was 16 I had this fear again. A 'doom' kind of fear and decided to attend church with a friend and went to church camp that summer. I remember they talked about Jesus returning and I had that fear again and wondered why I was the only one who felt scared about it instead of happy. We all repented and I thought 'ok I'm ready'. Or at least I made myself think that. After that, I only went to church one more time and continued to live a secular 'typical' teenage life. (Drinking, smoking, premarital sex). When I was 18 I moved in with who is now my fiance. After a while I started to worry about the way I was living and we stopped having sex and I stopped smoking and drinking. After a while however, I starting drinking wine because I thought it was more biblical than smoking pot and then I started doing that too and then I started doing pretty much whatever I felt like. So about a month ago, I saw a post about the May 21st profecy and it really scared me. I felt like I was getting that doomed fear again so my boyfriend and I went over the bible and he reassured me ( like he has done before) that there needed to be an anti-christ. He also told me that if we went through the end times, as long as I didn't have the demonic number on my body I'd be able to go to heaven.(I've spent a good deal of my life thinking that the end times would be some demon asking me if I want to put the number on my body, and if I said no he'd kill me or gouge out me eyes or something. But as long as I didn't agree to it I'd be fine.) So that night, I still didn't feel reassured so I called a friend of mine who goes to a Christian college and he said I need to be baptized, fix my living situation with my boyfriend, and that I should depart from my homosexual friends. I was so scared that something was going to happen between the hours of that phone call and when I called the next morning to be baptized. So I went to the Church and the pastor told me all I needed to do was believe, repent and be baptized. I did that and then I went home thinking I would feel relieved. I wasn't. I couldn't go to sleep and then sometimes, as soon as I would fall asleep I would jerk up. There was one day where I felt so uneasy. I had tremendous fear and didn't know if I had done it all right. I would call my pastor at different times of the day with fear and uncertainty. He would always say "You're fine". Then I started watching Francis Chan's videos on youtube and I thought 'so that's what it is. I need to do more to really live a christian life and help others and be crazy about it'. But I didn't feel the want to do it and I would make myself do stuff. I was confused and then I started watching John Piper and I heard him talk about having joy and glorifying God. So I started to pray to God to give me that joy and fill me with the Holy Spirit. I kept listening to John Piper and one night I heard him talk about the story of Esue and how he waited to repent and then when he wanted the blessing he didn't get it because he waited too long. So I thought it meant God won't forgive me because I sinned too badly and he doesn't want me. I was so scared and thought I was doomed. So I actually went to a church in another town the next day because i was out of town and talked to a youth pastor who gave me a 'salvation study guide' and I was going through it and going through the bible verses I would read more than just what I was given to study and came upon Hebrews where it says 'Refusing God' and it talked about Esue. I was scared so I actually called John Piper's church and talked to a counselor who lead me through scripture and assured me I was not past being forgiven pretty much and to keep my eyes on God. So a couple of days ago I was reading John Piper again on his website and it was talking about the unpardonable sin and how do you know that your repentance is real. He said the unpardonable sin is a sin where you are past repenting and that Esue was past repenting. He could not have a change of heart because I think his heart was so hard. It's not anything in particular. As long as you can feel guilty about what you've done and believe Christ can forgive you you're not in that state. So, for a moment I felt ok because I do feel guilty for my sins but here's the thing... I guess I just keep doubting myself and my reasons. As soon as I feel guilty I think 'you're just making yourself feel that way'. He talks about how people think they are saved by works and not God's grace. And that baptism cannot save you. I'm afraid the church I go to teaches that. Because often they'll say 'If you want to have God in your life come up and be baptized" or something like that. I feel like my world is being turned upside down. I always thought I was a christian. I always told people that, even when I was sinning. I thought God 'had my back'. Now I look back on my sins and when I was always afraid of the end of the world. I'm afriad I can't repent. I'm living with my sister right now, which is not easy because they are not Christians and I know I am giving Christians a bad name because all i do is read john piper in the computer room and the ipod and i haven't really socialized with them in the past couple of days. Today my sister said I needed to maybe go to a home and get help or be put on meds. She said I'm not acting normal. I do have ocd and I think maybe that's why I can't seem to feel real repentance because I am constantly doubting myself. I feel very selfish right now because all I'm doing is reading and reading and trying to wrap my mind around Christianity and trying to have hope that I can be ok. Every time I feel hungry or do something that isn't reading up on it I feel like 'you're giving into yourself' 'you're wasting time!' and that I may not be that sincere. At night I don't fall asleep until I'm absolutely tired and I've started jerking back awake again. I keep thinking that Jesus could come at any moment or that I could die at any time. I just want to be able to know I'm saved, glorify God, and help others be saved. i feel like I've given a bad name to the faith with my constant fear. Does anyone have any postive things to say? Will you pray for me? I have no idea what to do. I'm supposed to get a job, get married, and go to school soon. How do you do that when you are concerned about your salvation?
