Struggling at new church

[Testing]

Hi all. I've been out of fellowship for the best part of 20 years but have recently been regularly going to a new church for about 4 months now.

The church is theologically sound, the pastor is energetic and passionate, the church has community programs plus youth group, children's ministry etc.

When I first started fellowship, the senior pastor introduced himself to me and we spoke a little bit. He seemed genuine and interested in me as a person. After that, I noticed he never engaged with me anymore. A couple of times I've said hello and he's said hello and how are you? in return with no further conversation. His wife I have never spoken to at all.

I had a nice conversation in the beginning with the youth pastor. And same thing. No more conversations afterwards. I tried to engage with him recently and he just mumbled a few words and then walked away. I could clearly see by his facial expressions he was not interested in any dialogue with me. Ditto for the senior pastor. Whenever I say hello I see he's not interested in conversing with me and he just is being polite.

I am greatly discouraged and disheartened. The church is solid in every way but I have no engagement whatsoever with the pastors. Even worse I feel ignored. This is the first Sunday coming up that I want to have a break and not attend. I don't feel I'm of any value and am now considering trying another church fellowship. There is no way I consider these pastors shepherds to me in any way as I have no interactions with them. There are pastors to their church, but not a shepherd or influence to me personally.

I was hoping to get other people's thoughts and opinions. Thank you.

 

[Testing]

So last Sunday at church, I came in early as always. So early, that the door greeter wasn't there to hand out the weekly bulletin.

And I'm sitting in the church reading something on my phone and the pastor's wife comes up to me and asks did I get a bulletin? I said no, so she gives me a bulletin and promptly walks away. Not a hello, how are you, how was your week? etc. After 4 months of regularly coming.

To be honest, after being out of fellowship for so long I'm already sick of it again. I don't really want to continue any longer, I'm sick of the cliques and exclusive clubs and snobbery.

Church as an institution is on its way out, I don't see the point anymore. I just see it as performing rituals which I have no interest in at all. I came back for fellowship and have found it lacking.

And every week, sermons that don't teach me a thing. Topics that I can read and have read in the Bible myself. Basic Sunday school lessons.

I'm very discouraged now to be honest. Leaders with no interaction to the point of being rude, Sunday school sermons that add nothing to me.

The only thing I like are a few people I have interactions with. A few very nice people, about 4 people. But apart from that, I'm very dissatisfied.

 

[WIP]

So last Sunday at church, I came in early as always. So early, that the door greeter wasn't there to hand out the weekly bulletin.

And I'm sitting in the church reading something on my phone and the pastor's wife comes up to me and asks did I get a bulletin? I said no, so she gives me a bulletin and promptly walks away. Not a hello, how are you, how was your week? etc. After 4 months of regularly coming.

To be honest, after being out of fellowship for so long I'm already sick of it again. I don't really want to continue any longer, I'm sick of the cliques and exclusive clubs and snobbery.

Church as an institution is on its way out, I don't see the point anymore. I just see it as performing rituals which I have no interest in at all. I came back for fellowship and have found it lacking.

And every week, sermons that don't teach me a thing. Topics that I can read and have read in the Bible myself. Basic Sunday school lessons.

I'm very discouraged now to be honest. Leaders with no interaction to the point of being rude, Sunday school sermons that add nothing to me.

The only thing I like are a few people I have interactions with. A few very nice people, about 4 people. But apart from that, I'm very dissatisfied.

My apologies but I am going to be brutally honest here. It sounds to me like you have some pretty high expectations of others and when they don't fulfill your expectations, you blame them and accuse them. Good grief man! Maybe you should carry a very specifically detailed sign explaining to others that you are a needy person and you expect others to fulfill that need for you.

Relax. Relationships sometimes take time to develop and quite honestly, as I have been reading your posts, I can say without any doubt that I would have an extremely difficult time opening up to you as well. I imagine you to one that smothers people when they do try to have conversation or engage you.

Please believe me when I say that my comments are not intended to be mean but to give you some serious food for thought and I am sorry if I have offended you.

 

[eddif]

So last Sunday at church, I came in early as always. So early, that the door greeter wasn't there to hand out the weekly bulletin.

And I'm sitting in the church reading something on my phone and the pastor's wife comes up to me and asks did I get a bulletin? I said no, so she gives me a bulletin and promptly walks away. Not a hello, how are you, how was your week? etc. After 4 months of regularly coming.

To be honest, after being out of fellowship for so long I'm already sick of it again. I don't really want to continue any longer, I'm sick of the cliques and exclusive clubs and snobbery.

Church as an institution is on its way out, I don't see the point anymore. I just see it as performing rituals which I have no interest in at all. I came back for fellowship and have found it lacking.

And every week, sermons that don't teach me a thing. Topics that I can read and have read in the Bible myself. Basic Sunday school lessons.

I'm very discouraged now to be honest. Leaders with no interaction to the point of being rude, Sunday school sermons that add nothing to me.

The only thing I like are a few people I have interactions with. A few very nice people, about 4 people. But apart from that, I'm very dissatisfied.

Testing
How are we doing? Only 15 or so of us have met you online? Some of the stuff
I discuss, just gets ignored.


For instance human body symbolism is an interest to me. The heart, kidneys, cerebellum, all seem part of the imagery of the way we were made.

You might want to venture away from questions and answers a bit more. Or tell us what you actually want to discuss. Tell us if we failing to talk about the right things.

A lot of us do not think we have arrived.

eddif

 

[jasonc]

My apologies but I am going to be brutally honest here. It sounds to me like you have some pretty high expectations of others and when they don't fulfill your expectations, you blame them and accuse them. Good grief man! Maybe you should carry a very specifically detailed sign explaining to others that you are a needy person and you expect others to fulfill that need for you.

Relax. Relationships sometimes take time to develop and quite honestly, as I have been reading your posts, I can say without any doubt that I would have an extremely difficult time opening up to you as well. I imagine you to one that smothers people when they do try to have conversation or engage you.

Please believe me when I say that my comments are not intended to be mean but to give you some serious food for thought and I am sorry if I have offended you.

Indirectly the retired pastor who filled in broached this subject in a sermon .church is about serving and at times we will need to be served . We shouldn't be in this room together and yet alone . He went briefly into why that happens .

 

[Exeter]

So last Sunday at church, I came in early as always. So early, that the door greeter wasn't there to hand out the weekly bulletin.

And I'm sitting in the church reading something on my phone and the pastor's wife comes up to me and asks did I get a bulletin? I said no, so she gives me a bulletin and promptly walks away. Not a hello, how are you, how was your week? etc. After 4 months of regularly coming.

To be honest, after being out of fellowship for so long I'm already sick of it again. I don't really want to continue any longer, I'm sick of the cliques and exclusive clubs and snobbery.

Church as an institution is on its way out, I don't see the point anymore. I just see it as performing rituals which I have no interest in at all. I came back for fellowship and have found it lacking.

And every week, sermons that don't teach me a thing. Topics that I can read and have read in the Bible myself. Basic Sunday school lessons.

I'm very discouraged now to be honest. Leaders with no interaction to the point of being rude, Sunday school sermons that add nothing to me.

The only thing I like are a few people I have interactions with. A few very nice people, about 4 people. But apart from that, I'm very dissatisfied.

Hi Testing
I have read your thread with much interest, and you are not alone. There are many such stories being told in online forums like this one. I once read that Christians are not called to be masochists who repeatedly place themselves in harm's way to derive satisfaction from surviving adverse conditions. We are to edify one another in love, something which "Mystery Babylon the Great" is incapable of doing so best to keep clear of her and her offspring.

I like to listen to Christian radio while I go about my day. When I'm doing stuff outside I wear radio headphones tuned into uplifting music, messages, and conversation. Right now I'm listening to Lifebreakthrough Music on YouTube.

Fellowshipping with Christian friends outside of institutional, denominational structures is the preference of many Christians with stories like yours.

Be blessed in the love of Christ.

 

[Testing]

Hi Testing
I have read your thread with much interest, and you are not alone. There are many such stories being told in online forums like this one. I once read that Christians are not called to be masochists who repeatedly place themselves in harm's way to derive satisfaction from surviving adverse conditions. We are to edify one another in love, something which "Mystery Babylon the Great" is incapable of doing so best to keep clear of her and her offspring.

I like to listen to Christian radio while I go about my day. When I'm doing stuff outside I wear radio headphones tuned into uplifting music, messages, and conversation. Right now I'm listening to Lifebreakthrough Music on YouTube.

Fellowshipping with Christian friends outside of institutional, denominational structures is the preference of many Christians with stories like yours.

Be blessed in the love of Christ.

I can honestly understand why so so many believers are leaving the institutional church. It really is formulaic, clique motivated and uninspiring. I'm so fed up with lazy, simplistic, regurgitated Bible verses for sermons. After been out of fellowship for so long, I'm struggling with it. And the cherry on top are pastors that don't interact with you. "Here's the bulletin" and walk away. Not even a "how are you?"

 

[Exeter]

I can honestly understand why so so many believers are leaving the institutional church. It really is formulaic, clique motivated and uninspiring. I'm so fed up with lazy, simplistic, regurgitated Bible verses for sermons. After been out of fellowship for so long, I'm struggling with it. And the cherry on top are pastors that don't interact with you. "Here's the bulletin" and walk away. Not even a "how are you?"

I've been around the Christian community my entire life, 69 years, not always walking worthy of the name Christian, but certainly navigating the broad spectrum of behaviour that manifests among the adherents of various streams, movements, orders, and denominations.

Pro 19:11 Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.

This proverb has enabled me to stay the course in very trying times, variously as a worker, leader, logistics coordinator, and also board member. It doesn't mean allowing oneself to be dominated, intimidated, manipulated, or seduced by factions within the church.

I have a tipping point, and the Holy Spirit lets me know when it has been reached and it is time for me to take affirmative action. I have had to break off relationships when I experienced cultish controlling rather than beneficial blessing.

One congregation I was in for 3 years regularly had around 300 attending services, but in spite of the widely publicised "CONNECT" program, the walls stayed up and friendly social networking was thwarted by unfriendly social discrimination.

Unless we are part of the inner leadership circle fraternising with a pastor isn't part of the package deal when we incorporate with a congregation of 30 or more, and the purpose and highlight of attending assemblies and gatherings should be to worship God as He has called and gifted us.

1Th 5:11-23 Therefore encourage and build one another up, just as you are already doing. (12) But we ask you, brothers, to acknowledge those who work diligently among you, who preside over you in the Lord and give you instruction. (13) In love, hold them in highest regard because of their work. Live in peace with one another. (14) And we urge you, brothers, to admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, and be patient with everyone. (15) Make sure that no one repays evil for evil. Always pursue what is good for one another and for all people. (16) Rejoice at all times. (17) Pray without ceasing. (18) Give thanks in every circumstance, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (19) Do not extinguish the Spirit. (20) Do not treat prophecies with contempt, (21) but test all things. Hold fast to what is good. (22) Abstain from every form of evil. (23) Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely, and may your entire spirit, soul, and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.

 

[Testing]

I've been around the Christian community my entire life, 69 years, not always walking worthy of the name Christian, but certainly navigating the broad spectrum of behaviour that manifests among the adherents of various streams, movements, orders, and denominations.

Pro 19:11 Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.

This proverb has enabled me to stay the course in very trying times, variously as a worker, leader, logistics coordinator, and also board member. It doesn't mean allowing oneself to be dominated, intimidated, manipulated, or seduced by factions within the church.

I have a tipping point, and the Holy Spirit lets me know when it has been reached and it is time for me to take affirmative action. I have had to break off relationships when I experienced cultish controlling rather than beneficial blessing.

One congregation I was in for 3 years regularly had around 300 attending services, but in spite of the widely publicised "CONNECT" program, the walls stayed up and friendly social networking was thwarted by unfriendly social discrimination.

Unless we are part of the inner leadership circle fraternising with a pastor isn't part of the package deal when we incorporate with a congregation of 30 or more, and the purpose and highlight of attending assemblies and gatherings should be to worship God as He has called and gifted us.

1Th 5:11-23 Therefore encourage and build one another up, just as you are already doing. (12) But we ask you, brothers, to acknowledge those who work diligently among you, who preside over you in the Lord and give you instruction. (13) In love, hold them in highest regard because of their work. Live in peace with one another. (14) And we urge you, brothers, to admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, and be patient with everyone. (15) Make sure that no one repays evil for evil. Always pursue what is good for one another and for all people. (16) Rejoice at all times. (17) Pray without ceasing. (18) Give thanks in every circumstance, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (19) Do not extinguish the Spirit. (20) Do not treat prophecies with contempt, (21) but test all things. Hold fast to what is good. (22) Abstain from every form of evil. (23) Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely, and may your entire spirit, soul, and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Thank you for your response. But once again, I'm not calling for "fraternising" or to be part of the "inner circle" of church leadership. I'm talking about basic, decent common courtesies and minimum interactions.

You quoted various scriptures but there's also other scriptures related to leaders. About them being over you, supporting them, being an authority over you in the local body. However, for them to be that authority, they need to have some interaction with you. You can't submit to a church leader if they have no relationship with you at all, now can you?

So if you can tell me I'm wrong or my expectation is unrealistic, I'll post an apology. That I've been in this church for 4 months, never spoken to the pastor's wife even once and then comes up to me, hands me a bulletin without even saying hello and then walks away-promptly.

You come back please and tell me honestly all this is ok. That need expectation is unrealistic.

And you wonder why churches in the West are in serious decline. If this is how I've been left feeling as a believer, imagine a casual or weak believer, or a doubting but questioning non believer.

 

[Exeter]

Thank you for your response. But once again, I'm not calling for "fraternising" or to be part of the "inner circle" of church leadership. I'm talking about basic, decent common courtesies and minimum interactions.

You quoted various scriptures but there's also other scriptures related to leaders. About them being over you, supporting them, being an authority over you in the local body. However, for them to be that authority, they need to have some interaction with you. You can't submit to a church leader if they have no relationship with you at all, now can you?

So if you can tell me I'm wrong or my expectation is unrealistic, I'll post an apology. That I've been in this church for 4 months, never spoken to the pastor's wife even once and then comes up to me, hands me a bulletin without even saying hello and then walks away-promptly.

You come back please and tell me honestly all this is ok. That need expectation is unrealistic.

And you wonder why churches in the West are in serious decline. If this is how I've been left feeling as a believer, imagine a casual or weak believer, or a doubting but questioning non believer.

It's up to you whether you overlook the offenses you perceive.

I have experienced much, much, much worse than being ignored due to social awkwardness, but I refrain from disclosing the full nature and history of this lest it become bitter vilifying.

Sufficient to say that birds of a feather flock together, and there is no guarantee that you will be treated fairly in any group, ecclesiastical or secular. Most congregations have people who function as gatekeepers who make arbitrary decisions about newcomers, some being labelled troublemakers from the moment they first walk in. Alternatively there are some wonderful folk who "love-on" newcomers, lavishing attention and invitations to lunch or dinner on them, taking them under their wing and helping them integrate into the company of strangers.

I pray for the latter to be available to you.

 

[Testing]

It's up to you whether you overlook the offenses you perceive.

I have experienced much, much, much worse than being ignored due to social awkwardness, but I refrain from disclosing the full nature and history of this lest it become bitter vilifying.

Sufficient to say that birds of a feather flock together, and there is no guarantee that you will be treated fairly in any group, ecclesiastical or secular. Most congregations have people who function as gatekeepers who make arbitrary decisions about newcomers, some being labelled troublemakers from the moment they first walk in. Alternatively there are some wonderful folk who "love-on" newcomers, lavishing attention and invitations to lunch or dinner on them, taking them under their wing and helping them integrate into the company of strangers.

I pray for the latter to be available to you.

Thank you. It's not so much that I'm offended, but that I'm finding the weekly service unsatisfying from meaningful lack of fellowship. The sermons are the usual regurgitated simple Sunday school lessons. What I really look forward to is meaningful fellowship with fellow Christians. I don't have that with a single church leader but I do have with about 3 other people.

So all I get out of the weekly church service is catching up with about 3 people.