Susannah's Corner

“All healing is release from the past . . . It is enough to heal the past and make the future free. It is enough to let the present be accepted as it is.” Course of Miracles

Many people have survived some form of  trauma. I believe it is important to  make an effort to heal the wounds of the past. To do this you need a multi-faceted approach. You need patience, honesty, and the Holy Spirit.

Healing the wounds of the past can be a long and drawn out process. This process begins when you accept the fact that you were traumatized. Many people are in denial about this. They don’t remember what really happened. They have blocked out the truth because it is too painful, or they see what happened to them as normal because they have nothing to compare it with. They may also dismiss the impact of the trauma prematurely because they believe God has healed them instantaneously.

Trauma is any experience which interferes with the feeling of safety and security that we need─any disruption to our well-being that is not worked through within the family unit via honesty, love, and communication. The following experiences are considered traumatic: rejection; abandonment; abuse, toxic shame;  family secrets; betrayal;  peer rejection, a death in the family; serious illness—whatever severely disturbs your sense of security and self-worth.

Children are not capable of discerning trauma because they have an unconscious need to see everything as being all right. They suffer and feel pain, but at the same time they find a mechanism whereby they deny or suppress the reality of their environment. This distortion of the truth (denial) is how they survive emotionally. However, as adults, we have to break through the magical illusion that everything is all right after we are traumatized.

Once you stop denying that you  have experienced some form of trauma, it can be helpful if you identify the nature of that trauma. Was it sustained or intermittent? Did it happen recently or as a child?  Was it at home or at school? What was going on, and who were the people involved?

Some people will know the answers to these questions and others will not. It can also be helpful to read some books about grief and trauma or personality disorders. It is amazing how many forms of trauma can occur, both inside and outside the home. Scriptures are also important,  as Christ’s love is a healing agent.

If the trauma happened in childhood,  and you can’t remember what happened, it might help if you talk to people who were there at the time (friends or family). Sometimes these people will not want to cooperate, but it’s worth a try. Christian therapy can also help people identify what happened to them during their childhood. A therapist can draw out the truth in a safe environment and help interpret the facts. If the truth never gets revealed or validated, it is important to still go on with the healing process. They can refer to their trauma as “something that happened,” even if they don’t remember what that “something” was. You know a tree by its fruit. If you have severe anxiety and depression your past trauma may be festering.

Once you have begun to identify  past trauma, it is important to talk about it to someone you trust. This can be a pastor, a Christian therapist, a friend, or someone in a support group─anyone who can be trusted to listen without judgement. Talking is part of the healing process because sharing our deepest, darkest secrets brings them out of the unconscious and into the conscious. Once this happens, the trauma can be worked through. Of course, talking also makes us feel better, but most of all it promotes awareness and understanding─both important steps in the healing process.

At this point, writing can help. Key memories can flow when pen is put to paper, and the documentation of these truths can be useful later on. Writing is also a good way to get in touch with deep-seated feelings about what happened. Writing can mean keeping an ongoing journal about the recovery process, or taking an inventory of what happened with regard to the trauma and how it affected your  life.

The hard part of the healing process comes when it is time to feel the pain of the past. Up to this point, you have been trying to dig up the memories of the past. When you are successful there is apt to be a strong emotional response. These feelings will vary from person to person, but some of the most common emotions felt at this time are anger, shock, anxiety, sadness, and depression.

No matter how painful these feelings might be, it is important not to run away from them. These emotions have to be felt in full force, as if one were re-living the trauma once again. When these feelings come up, it is important to remember that they will pass and that this experience is just one stage in the healing process. I cannot say how long it will take for the feelings to pass, but if they are embraced rather than repressed they will subside.

As you pray for relief, remember that this is temporary. Now is the time to release these feelings to God. You have done your grief work and now it is time to move on. Ask God to take the feelings and heal you.

Sometimes God will ask you to forgive those who hurt you. This does not mean you have to like them or to associate them. It simply means to let go of the resentment. Do not revisit the anger you feel and do not feed it with negative thoughts.

At this stage,  you should be feeling better and ready to move on with your life. You have done something really wonderful. You have conquered the impossible. With God’s help you have cleansed yourself and released yourself from a great stumbling block to transformation. Transformation makes you a better steward and brings you closer to God.

Colossians 3:19 ” Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.”

When I went into counseling to fix my abusive marriage, I was told by my therapist that I was codependent. “What does that mean?” I asked. “It means you love too much,” he replied. “How can you love too much?” I cried. “Didn’t Christ ask us to love each other? Isn’t that one of the most important Christian principles? Aren’t we supposed to walk that extra mile and turn the other cheek? (Mt 5:39-41). Doesn’t love bear all things and endure all things? (1 Cor 13: 7). “Not always,” he replied. I was dumbfounded. After all, he was a Christian counselor.

My therapist went on to suggest that I get a divorce. I refused. I wanted to honor my marriage vows, and so I stayed married to my husband. “I will just keep loving him unconditionally,” I thought to myself, “and that will heal him and our marriage.” Unfortunately, the more I loved my husband unconditionally, the more abusive he got. He gave new meaning to the expression, “biting the hand that feeds you.”

Eventually, I realized I was putting my children in danger by staying married to this man and so I divorced him. Then I spent years going to a support group for codependent women trying to figure out whether unconditional love was good or bad. What were my conclusions? Well, today, I believe that unconditional love is good and important, but that it is not always the best course of action. Sometimes, to love someone, you must place conditions are your good will. Marriage would be an example. Love in a marriage should be reciprocal—flowing in both directions. And while Christ may ask us to love our enemy, we do not have to marry him.

Furthermore, while I might have to place conditions on my good will, I do not have to give up the “love” part of unconditional love. By this I mean that I do not have to give up the tenderness I felt for my husband—the feelings that led me to “bear all things” for so long. But the feeling of love cannot always be accompanied by turning the other cheek. That cheek can get pretty swollen. Sometimes we have to take a step backward and love from a distance. We have to say to our partners, “I will love you without conditions, but I will not live with you. If you respect me and treat me in accordance with Christ’s doctrine on marriage, I will stick with you through the bad times. If you abuse me, I will have to abandon the marriage.”

Saying that unconditional love is important but not always practical is not easy. I don’t want to abandon the ideal of “bearing all things” in the name of love. However, I will say that I am happier and more fulfilled now that I realize I deserve to receive love as well as give it. I also look for opportunities to continue practicing unconditional love, when appropriate. I help others without expecting anything in return. I try to love my neighbor (Mt 19:19 NIKJ), walk that extra mile, and turn the other cheek. (Mt 5:39-41). I will just not bear all things within the context of marriage unless my husband is doing the same.

‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Matthew 22:38

Recovering codependents who believe strongly in Christian ideals are often confused. They want to know if recovery means disowning such Christian concepts as sacrifice, unselfishness, dying to self, loving thy neighbor, putting yourself last, laying down your life, and staying married “as long as you both shall live.” They also find that some Christian ideals are hard to understand. At first glance, they seem contradictory, confusing, or inconsistent with the concepts of recovery from addiction to love. Because of this, some recovering codependents are tempted to abandon Christianity altogether. However, it doesn’t have to be this way. Christian codependents just need to be willing to sort the wheat from the chaff—to look more deeply into the meaning of Christian ideals and to make personal decisions about how to integrate them into their intimate relationships.

One of the most common mistakes codependents make is to confuse Christian love with romantic love. Christian love, what Kierkegaard calls “eternal” love, is the love of God, ourselves, and our neighbor. This love operates under its own principles or laws. It is of God. It is unconditional. It is forever. It causes no pain, but can only fulfill us. When given away, it comes back to us, somewhere along the way. Romantic love operates from a different set of laws or principles. It is object-oriented or based on “passionate preference” (attraction). It promises “forever” but rarely delivers. It can be euphoric, but it can also turn to hate; and for all the pleasure it brings, it also fosters suspicion, jealousy, despair and anxiety.

When codependents do not understand the difference between these two forms of love, they often try to use spiritual love to promote romantic love. For instance, St. Francis of Assisi said that “it is in giving that we receive.” This implies that if we give love we will receive love in return. This is true. The Christian love we give away does come back to us, not necessarily from the people we give it to or at the exact time we want it to be returned, but eventually it does come back to us through other people we meet along the path of life and from God.

However, this spiritual principle of giving love to receive love does not work with romantic love. When codependents don’t understand this, they fall in love with someone who does not return their affection and suffer for a long period of time hoping that the spiritual principle of giving love to receive love will begin to work its magic and their faithfulness will be rewarded. Also, relationship addicts will take care of their partner only to find themselves receiving more contempt than love or gratitude in return. They see as much “biting the hand that feeds them” as they see love begetting love. This is because giving love to receive love does not work with romantic love. Romantic love requires attraction or passion, and spiritual love cannot make this happen. It just has to happen on its own.

Christianity also teaches us the concept of “dying to self” or being unselfish. To many people this sounds like an order to abandon themselves in order to focus on meeting the needs of others. Many Christians recovering from their addiction to love struggle with this concept of “dying to self.” They don’t want to ignore it, and yet it seems contradictory to their attempt to build up their self-esteem. I usually tell these recovering codependents that when asked by a scribe to proclaim God’s most important commandment, Christ replied “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And the second is like it. You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:38-39).

Note that this commandment does not say to love yourself less than your neighbor, but to love others as much as you love yourself. This implies that love for others should be in balance with self-love. Kierkegaard puts it this way: “You shall love yourself in the right way…proper self-love….” It is selfish, he says, not to be willing “to love oneself in the right way.”

Based on this, the most important commandant, I believe that total self-abandonment is only for those who aspire to sainthood; and for the rest of us who are not destined for this, it is all right to understand the Christian tenet of “dying to self” as a guideline for people who are in the habit of putting themselves above others—people with inflated egos whose self-centeredness has shut out God as well as others. For such people, “dying to self” is a good idea, if it is taken to mean moving away from total self-absorption.

Christian codependents must understand that there is both a negative and positive aspect to selfishness. The positive part allows them to love, cherish and take care of themselves; to have self-esteem. The negative side of selfishness puts their needs ahead of others at all times. Christian codependents in recovery must learn to enhance the positive side of selfishness and put the negative side into perspective. They can be unselfish when it is appropriate to do so, and they take care of themselves when that is appropriate.

Codependents like to believe that when they make sacrifices they are being unselfish. Well, sometimes they are and sometimes they aren’t. To tell the difference, recovering codependents must learn to look at their motives for making sacrifices, because the act of being unselfish is not as important as the spiritual condition of the giver. Unhealthy motives include attempts to buy love, build up self-esteem, bolster insecurity, dissipate guilt, or abate fear. Healthy motives include love and kindness: feelings that originate from self-esteem and spill over into the lives of others.

How do you sort out healthy motivations from unhealthy ones? This process requires honesty and an insight into the codependent personality. Such perception is difficult, if not impossible, if codependents are still clinging to distorted values, thoughts and behavior. However, after recovery has begun, an honest look into one’s motivation can help put things into perspective.

Many codependents read passages in the Bible about suffering, and they apply this to their marriage or romantic relationship. “Love bears all things…endures all things.” (1 Cor 13:7) When they are abused they feel martyred, but they accept their punishment in the name of love. These recovering codependents are confused. They are confusing accepting hardship with seeking it out. Jean-Pierre de Caussade makes this distinction in his book Abandonment to Divine Providence. He says a good Christian “…accepts cheerfully all the troubles they meet and submit to God’s will in all that they have to do or suffer, without in any way seeking out trouble for themselves.”

It is true that if you are in a relationship you must sometimes endure hardship. For instance, if your partner gets ill you will have to endure hard times and make sacrifices. However, this sort of suffering is different from allowing yourself to be beaten up or trying to live with an alcoholic who is incapable of participating in a loving partnership. In recovery, Christian codependents need to understand this. They must avoid martyring themselves in a relationship and thinking that this is the Christian thing to do.

One of the most difficult Christian ideals to clarify for recovering codependents, is Christ’s suggestion that in a marriage “the two shall become one.” (Mark 10:8) The King James version uses the phrase “one flesh.” Does this mean that we are to have no personality boundaries? Does this mean we must give up our individuality in order to be in a relationship? I don’t think so. I believe that Christ is just making the point that a marriage should be a team effort. A team is made up of individuals working together for a common goal.

Being a team does not necessarily require the fusion of both partners. Nor does it require that one partner abandon herself to become an imitation of the other. It just means that both partners share their uniqueness with each other. They work, share, love, and grow together (perhaps they serve God together), but they retain their sense of self. They continue being the child of God they were created to be while joining forces with another individual.

In no way do I want to disparage or abandon Christian ideals. They are precious to me, but my life has taught me that sometimes they have to be put into perspective. I tried to be a good Christian for most of my life, and in the process I lost myself. Then in 1982 the Holy Spirit came to me and quoted Shakespeare: “To thy own self be true, and then it follows like night the day that you can be false to no man.” To this I add: God loves me and wants me to be happy. He did not create me to abandon myself. He created me to serve him. I can only do this if I love myself as much as I love others.