Susannah's Corner

“With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” Ephesians 4:2-3:

Part of being a Christian is to grow in faith. This will not happen if you date just for the sake of having fun. Dating should lead to courtship and marriage. This is dating with a purpose.

These days single people have dating down to a science. They know where to meet people. They have an excellent online profile that says nothing about what they really want, but is guaranteed to get someone’s attention. They have the clothes they need to impress their date, and they are excellent conversationalists.

What they do not have is an understanding of how to get what they really want. They think impressing someone is enough. They want someone handsome or beautiful in their life to compensate for their own low self-esteem. They glide from one date to another hoping something magical will happen. In other words, they are not dating with the idea to find a partner who can help them grow in their faith.

The most important thing about dating is that one make a concerted effort to find out if there is enough compatibility to sustain a healthy relationship which includes romantic love, excitement, getting along, and a future together. In other words, dating with a purpose is like interviewing someone for the most important role in his or her life as your partner.

This is not always easy. It takes effort, patience, self-discipline and the wisdom of others who have gone through this process themselves and been successful.

Since selecting the right partner is one of the most important things we do in life, I have created a list of things one should look for in a relationship. You can use this as a guide.

1. Honesty that engenders trust;

2. Shared faith;

3. The ability to negotiate or compromise;

4. Self-awareness;

5. Self-esteem;

6. Communication skills;

7. Sexual compatibility;

8. There should be a recognition of the fact that each person had a different childhood experience;

9. Similar (but not necessarily identical) values: This includes such issues as money, monogamy, and parenting;

10. Patience and tolerance;

11. It is important to accept the fact that there will be days when the relationship seems very ordinary or even boring;

12. The willingness to substitute influencing for controlling: Saying something once and then letting it go. Being a role-model instead of nagging someone to change.;

13. Healthy boundaries;

14. Devotion;

15. Quality time together;

16. Knowing when to stay and when to leave;

17. It is also important to have compatibility and “ease” in a relationship: At the same time, it must be understood that no relationship is perfect;

18. The willingness to face your problems (without over-reacting);

19. Reciprocity (give and take);

21. Realistic expectations. After the honeymoon, relationships are not a romantic fantasy;

22. Readiness for a relationship (both partners).

I believe we cannot just start dating and hope that everything will fall in to place. I think we need to be honest from the beginning about what we are looking for and move on if we are not happy.

“For the Scripture says, “Everyone who believes in him will not be put to shame. Romans 10:11

I had a dream about shame a few weeks ago. In this dream I was desperately looking for a place to take a shower. I looked everywhere, but I couldn’t find anything suitable. Finally, I woke up disappointed and feeling a little dirty, so I took a nice warm bath.

That same day, at church, the minister stood up in front of the congregation and practically bellowed, “Have you ever been really dirty and desperate for a shower? . . . And when you find one, doesn’t it feel great to be clean again after being so dirty.” “Well, yes,” I said to myself, “as a matter of fact, just last night. . . .”

The minister went on to talk about the experience of Christ washing away our sins—one of the basic tenets of Christianity. I, of course, had heard this before and began ruminating on the idea of sin and redemption. This led quickly to thoughts about shame, which is bound to sin by virtue of cause and effect.

Within the Christian context, the relationship between sin and shame can be very confusing. On one hand, we are told that Christ died for our sins; therefore, we can relinquish our shame once we repent. But then, some denominations try to shame us into becoming virtuous people. They quote the passage about being perfect. “Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect”. Matthew 5:48. I was also told once by a pastor that even though I was forgiven I should still be ashamed of myself. So which is it? Are we to be ashamed or not?

Before I could sort this out, the congregation started singing “Amazing Grace.” As I listened to the second stanza, “Twas grace that taught my heart to fear and grace my fear relieved,” suddenly it all made sense. Substitute the word “shame” for the word “fear” and you have: “Twas grace that taught my heart to shame and grace my shame relieved.” Shame, it seems is not all bad. Without shame, I cannot see my sin, and with Christ I am relieved of shame’s burden.

This makes even more sense if you understand the difference between “healthy” shame and “toxic” shame. John Bradshaw, who once studied to be a Jesuit priest, points this out in his book “Healing the Shame that Binds You.” He elaborates on the difference between the kind of shame that is corrosive and destructive (shame that leads to depression, anxiety, and apathy) and the kind of shame that engenders modesty, humility, morality, and self-control.

Christ himself made good use of this pairing of healthy and toxic shame. He shamed the stone throwers by telling them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her” (John 8:7 RSV). Then he relieved the adulteress of her shame by saying, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you? She said, ’No one, Lord.’ And Jesus said, Neither do I condemn [shame] you” (vs. 10). But then Christ offered the woman healthy shame as an incentive to live a virtuous life when he added at the end of his eloquent speech, “Go and do not sin again” (vs. 11).

Of course, my favorite story is about the Samaritan woman at the well. Here Christ used healthy shame to awaken a woman to her sin while at the same time offering her the living water that will wash it away. First he told her the good news: “Every one who drinks of this water will thirst again, but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst; the water that I shall give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life” (John 4:13-14 RSV). Then he told her why this is good news: “You are right in saying, ’I have no husband’; for you have had five husbands, and he whom you now have is not your husband” (vss. 17-19). Of course, the woman leaped at the chance to get rid of her shame and pleaded with him, “Sir, give me this water, that I may not thirst.” (vs. 15).

The challenge for us, armed with this new understanding of healthy shame and toxic shame, is to separate the wheat from the chaff. When does shame help us and when is it a hindrance? Here are some of my own ideas.

The past: Agonizing over the past leads to toxic shame. Christ died on the cross for our sins. To cling unnecessarily to our past transgressions requires energy better spent trying to help others. However, an acute awareness of our shortcomings is healthy shame. We must never forget how easy it is to sin.

Our bodies: Shame about how we look is toxic. We must always see ourselves through God’s eyes. He made us, after all. At the same time, a little shame about what we put into our bodies is healthy. Nutrition is good; addiction is bad. Too much sugar now and then is not the end of the world.

Our potential: Shame about what we can’t do is toxic. If I am not a genius, so be it. If I can’t climb Mount Everest that’s okay. If I am disabled in any way, there is no point in me beating up on myself. However, a little healthy shame about what we can do keeps us humble.

Money: Shame about being poor is toxic. Shame about being financially comfortable makes it easier to share with others.

Original sin: This can be toxic or healthy shame. It is toxic if it becomes an excuse to give up on ourselves. It can be healthy if it is understood as something we all share—the propensity to sin.

Family: The sins of our “fathers”—past and present—can be palpable. However, feeling guilty for what our mothers and fathers did is toxic shame. Learning from their mistakes is healthy shame.

Sex: Healthy shame about sex is important. Nothing can be more destructive than aberrant sexual behavior. However, sex is nothing to be ashamed of in the context of a healthy marriage.

Education: Feeling bad about a lack of formal education is toxic shame. Feeling a little healthy shame, however, may inspire us to search for knowledge and wisdom in a context within which we feel comfortable.

Jobs: Some of us have what the world likes to describe as “menial” jobs. Toxic shame makes us feel bad about this. Healthy shame encourages us to look for something more stimulating. The trick is to love what we do—and ourselves for doing it—while aspiring to find work that will help us realize our full potential. For example, I may be “just” a secretary, but I find time to write poetry, which is my soul work.

How we treat others: Being less than cordial at times is part of the human condition. Toxic shame never lets us forgive ourselves. Healthy shame reminds us to do it less often.

Perfectionism: Toxic shame makes us feel terrible because we are not perfect. Healthy shame reminds us that we can do better. Paul knew a lot about this. Always remember, only God is perfect and we all live in the shadow of that perfection. We are, you might say, perfectly imperfect.

So here we have it—the shame that can destroy our spirit and the shame that can keep us on the right path. May we all come to terms with them both through our faith in Jesus Christ.