Claudya
Member
This afternoon I was thinking about admittig myself to a psychiatric ward - after slapping myself, cutting myself, scratching my forehead with my fingernails, willfully hitting my head against a heavy oak wood restaurant table and throwing my plate at another person. Not sure I hit him but my flying plate mowed down and destroyed pretty much everything on the table.
My mood has been bad for a few days, I already lost control of myself and slapped myself on thursday and on friday, but I'd attributed to being sleep deprived and exhausted after the long week of work, exercising, frustration with university bureaucracy, and too little sleep.
But even after a calm saturday I was still feeling lousy this morning, but I tried to somehow get my mood into a better shape, focusing on good things (like the sunshine, attending church service, and so on), tried to focus on other things, or tried just to tell myself that I only need to wait it out until things get better naturally. Of course I tried to pray, too, and tried to remember that only God's love matters and I can cling to it until I feel better...
Church service was good (well I felt terrible but the sermon was good), afterward I was invited for lunch in a restaurant by an elderly lady that I'm friends with. Her husband didn't want to join us, but two other guys from our home group came with us. We went to a rather noble restaurant and that's where all that stupid stuff happend just because one of those guys is a judgemental uncompassionate arrogant uneducated buffoon (and because I have the emotional maturity of a 4 year old).
I can't tell you how helpless I feel, having worked on becoming more emotionally stable for such a long time, but in the end all I can do is delay the point of losing control by a few minutes.
All the prayers don't seem to change a thing and all the skills I learned for controling my emotions aren't effective. I know it takes time and practise. But right now I'm a time bomb.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with my shrink anyway, and since I can't hide all the bruises and bumps in my face anyway I'm just gonna ask him to admit me to the local psychiatric hospital.
My mood has been bad for a few days, I already lost control of myself and slapped myself on thursday and on friday, but I'd attributed to being sleep deprived and exhausted after the long week of work, exercising, frustration with university bureaucracy, and too little sleep.
But even after a calm saturday I was still feeling lousy this morning, but I tried to somehow get my mood into a better shape, focusing on good things (like the sunshine, attending church service, and so on), tried to focus on other things, or tried just to tell myself that I only need to wait it out until things get better naturally. Of course I tried to pray, too, and tried to remember that only God's love matters and I can cling to it until I feel better...
Church service was good (well I felt terrible but the sermon was good), afterward I was invited for lunch in a restaurant by an elderly lady that I'm friends with. Her husband didn't want to join us, but two other guys from our home group came with us. We went to a rather noble restaurant and that's where all that stupid stuff happend just because one of those guys is a judgemental uncompassionate arrogant uneducated buffoon (and because I have the emotional maturity of a 4 year old).
I can't tell you how helpless I feel, having worked on becoming more emotionally stable for such a long time, but in the end all I can do is delay the point of losing control by a few minutes.
All the prayers don't seem to change a thing and all the skills I learned for controling my emotions aren't effective. I know it takes time and practise. But right now I'm a time bomb.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with my shrink anyway, and since I can't hide all the bruises and bumps in my face anyway I'm just gonna ask him to admit me to the local psychiatric hospital.