- Dec 20, 2019
- 3,626
- 109
Estimated reading time: 12 minutes
Several years ago, a young man teased throughout his childhood about his height came to my counseling office for the first time. I asked him why he had come to see me, and he said, “Dr. Huerta, I’m too short!” I naturally asked, “Too short for…what?” He said, “Too short to ever get married.” Interesting conclusion! Over time, through thoroughly exploring his personal history, personality, and life interpretations, we got to reinterpret the teasing and assumptions he had collected along the way.
Teasing is a part of a complex social dance that straddles the fence between aggression and play. Although common, it requires understanding what the other person or people intend and what insecurities or triggers it may bring to the surface.
Although teasing can be confusing for kids, they begin responding to it from a young age. By the age of 18 months, toddlers can show that they enjoy the social dynamics of playfully teasing.
By age 4 to 6, children begin understanding and participating in teasing intentions and behaviors with one another and tend to develop either a victim or a teaser perspective in response to teasing. In other words, kids tend to show one of the following responses:
Early on, we must teach our kids to treat one another with the compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, and self-control that Colossians 3:12 tells us to “wear” daily.
As children grow up, they construct a perception of who they are, including what other people say about them. The challenge is that hurtful teasing sometimes occurs during times of insecurity, frustration, social survival, emotions, and other social complexities, which can create distorted messages children can carry deep inside.
Personality differences also affect how children construct this personal reality and handle teasing. In fact, you may have an anxious personality-type child who sees him or herself as a victim when being teased, while a playful leader or talker personality-type child may see teasing as a fun way to connect with others. These different personalities may experience the same teasing situation in very different ways.
Take this personality quiz to help you and your child navigate the tricky emotions that teasing brings.
No matter what personality type you or your child have, our mouths convey what is in our hearts. Luke 6:45 boldly calls out the importance of our words: “The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.” Teach your child how to tease playfully, not hurtfully. Encourage him or her to empathize with others, too — to think about how the person they are teasing is likely to feel.
The family environment is another key dynamic contributing to how children view or respond to teasing. In fact, some families make fun-loving teasing a part of their day-to-day interactions, while others consider it wrong and unacceptable behavior. While teasing can be a form of aggression or abuse, it can also be flirtation, bonding, and playful connection. For some kids, this kind of environment, within trusting and healthy relationships, creates resilience in response to peer teasing.
Children need honest and loving feedback early on as they discover who they’ve been created to be. Identity formation is a life-long journey of discovery and feedback that is best done within the context of trusting relationships. Children with a foggy or anxious sense of who they are are more likely to fall prey to a victim perspective when being teased and may become defensive or self-conscious.
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Ultimately, children need to learn to look for a few important clues when trying to sift through the complexities of teasing.
When teaching children how to interpret the intention behind teasing, Philippians 2:4 is a good guide. The verse encourages: “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others” — that includes the teaser and the “teas-ee.” To teach your child to be a good interpreter of teasing, help them look for what the other person is trying to accomplish by teasing them. As they think about the other person’s objective, they can ask themselves:
Teasing almost always communicates a deeper need:
Many sports teams have teasing as part of their culture. Some are within a safe, fun, playful environment, and some have it as part of a toxic, mean, competitive, jealous culture.
In a playful culture, you will see lightheartedness and people laughing together. Teasing creates relaxation. However, in a toxic culture, you will see aggression from one person or group exchanged. Criticism and imperfection are highlighted, and verbal jabs are thrown. The “loser” person (or a group of people) gets quiet, shrinks back, withdraws, or gets angry. Tension is created.
As children wrestle with these questions, we need to help them recognize what is happening in their environment so that they can learn to see themselves through a lens of love and compassion. Remind your kids often how much you believe in them, and don’t hesitate to tell them what you love about them so that their hearts are full of good things to offset any harmful teasing.
Next, teach them to consider the teasing source (the teaser) and ways to respond confidently when someone is being mean. In other words, is the teaser trustworthy, or do they tend to be rude and mean to others? Do they say mean things followed by an uncomfortable “just teasing!” as if you’re the one overreacting? If your child notices the teaser is trying to be mean, help them learn to see it as an issue in the other person and not an issue in themselves.
Growing up in Mexico, I remember my friends and me teasing a boy named Lucas when he moved to our school. In 1st and 2nd grade, his Spanish accent was funny to us. Unlike a Mexican accent, the “s” of a Spanish accent makes a “th” sound like a lisp. As if a new kid doesn’t already feel like an outsider, every time Lucas would say his name (or any other word with an “s”), we would tease him because he was different. We were just having fun with something novel, but I know it must have hurt the boy’s feelings and made him feel very insecure.
When someone teases to be cruel, they often target things their victim can’t control, like skin acne, a stutter, clumsiness, or issues around popularity. Commonly, when boys tease in a mean way, it often surrounds issues of power and dominance. When girls do so, their sneaky aggression typically expresses jealousy and establishes social status.
No matter your age, it is hard not to clap back when you’re being hurt. However, the less response and the more confidence a child brings to those moments, the less power a mean teaser can gain. Some children tolerate mean teasing and laugh it off to avoid losing peer connection. They are willing to miserably stay connected to their peers to avoid the dreaded feelings of rejection or loneliness. The assumption is that they will lose peer connection if they don’t take the teasing. Kids can learn ways to look confident on the outside (power pose) and can practice pre-rehearsed responses (“That’s interesting” or “Hmm, I didn’t know that” and then move on) to disarm a person trying to be mean through teasing.
By learning to step back and assess the intent of the teaser, your child gains the gift of objectivity and can refocus their thoughts on things that are true, noble, right, pure, excellent, and praiseworthy about themselves — and maybe even the person being mean to them. Ultimately, Jesus promises that God will provide His peace for those who receive and practice these good things. (Philippians 4:8-9)
Perhaps by stepping back to assess the intent, your child may notice that the teaser(s) is genuinely trying to be funny in a playful and connecting way. That could teach them healthy and effective ways to play back.
If not, you can teach them to kindly and respectfully say, “I know you’re just trying to have fun, but I don’t like…” or “I feel frustrated/hurt/annoyed when you say…” Help them find ways to communicate what they like and don’t like and how they appreciate being treated, including when people are just trying to have fun with them through teasing. It is helpful for children to learn how to laugh at themselves during playful teasing, which allows for humility to grow and lessens the pressure of a desperate need to be loved by everyone.
In high school, my daughter was teased by two boys for being blonde. Whenever she made a mistake in class or didn’t know the answer to a question, these boys commented about her intelligence and hair color. They would say, “You’re blonde, so how would you know?” The boys seemed to be trying to get her attention in various ways, but when they teased her like this, Lexi felt stupid — she lost confidence in her academic skills. Lexi internalized what they were saying to her.
It sounded like the boys may have been trying to flirt with her, but they didn’t realize they were teasing her about something she was sensitive about. A couple of significant concussions had left Lexi with some learning issues. She was already self-conscious about her intelligence. The boys did not know any of that. To help her see the truth, my wife and I talked with Lexi to process their possible motives. Their fun and flirtiness felt anything but that to our daughter, but gaining a new perspective helped shift the impact of their words.
Just as Lexi needed help sorting through what was happening in and around her teasing scenario, kids often need help learning to recognize their triggers, or “buttons.” In response to playful teasing, you can help your child consider why they exist, and how to manage their reaction in healthy ways. These buttons are often due to insecurities, self-doubt, or misinterpretations from a more anxious view of the world. A great phrase is, “Another way to look at what they said is…” or “Could they actually be trying to find a way to make you smile or play with you using their words?” Take some time to make a list of triggers or buttons and explore why each one exists together. Then, you can help them see how words triggering these don’t have to be threatening.
Sometimes, raising kids can spotlight things we’ve overlooked in our homes — like a destructive culture of sarcasm. I’ve worked with some families who live in a sarcastic, teasing culture. Within these families, it is often a passive-aggressive way to communicate something they’re annoyed with, angry, or concerned about. For example, they may tease about someone’s eating habits out of concern for their weight, driving habits when they are worried about the person’s bad driving, or messiness when they are upset with the person’s lack of organizational skills. It is a way to communicate in a non-conflict style what they believe to be weaknesses or concerns.
Occasionally, I’ve worked with dads who grew up with a culture of mean sarcasm. These men brought a habit of put-downs into their homes. Some even viewed teasing as a way to “toughen up” their kids — out of fear that they will be weak if they don’t know how to handle teasing. In these settings, kids frequently feel unloved or “not good enough” for their father. While these dads believed such teasing was just normal and “fun” teasing, their kids felt the biting loss of self-confidence.
If your home and child are used to endless teasing and sarcasm, consider how that may impact others outside your family. Be open to constructive feedback, especially if your child is hurtful toward others. Your child must also be aware that many people do not like being teased. If your child has difficulty stopping this behavior, help them explore what is driving their need to tease others.
One boy came to my office struggling with self-confidence. He shared that he and his brother are close, but his brother calls him stupid and pathetic — and he believes his brother’s teasing. They’ll often tease back and forth to the point that they get physical. He accepts what his brother has said, and it negatively affects his self-esteem. “Just teasing” like this is no joke. As parents, paying attention to the tenor of our kids’ banter is essential. If their intent is to pester, provoke, annoy, or tear down, you may need to step in. Teasing is only okay if it is fun for everyone.
Teasing can be fun in trusting and close relationships, and those good memories can last for years! Cue the family. Set the environment early by looking for things to laugh about together. Positive, laughable experiences create lasting, joyful memories. Disarm the barbs of harmful teasing with fun and self-deprecating humor. To create connection, play together often — demonstrating the fun side of a good ribbing. The halls of a loving, Christ-centered home create space for positive, playful teasing and the memories that live there.
One of my favorite memories happened the week before my junior year of high school began. I was visiting family, and my sister convinced me to get a perm. I had been eyeing perms to have hair like Kirk Cameron. Both my sister and the hairdresser said it would be just some waves, but as I looked in the mirror after the process was complete, I looked like a poodle. I was a teenager; hair and looks were important to me!
I vividly remember saying, “Oh no! How do I get my hair back to normal?!”
“It will be fine. Your hair will calm down after a few showers,” they said.
It was not, and my hair did not. I showed up that first day of school, hoping others wouldn’t notice. Sure enough, when I ran into one of my friends in the hall, the first thing out of his mouth was, “Wow, Danny! You look like a poodle!” He yelled it down the hallway. (He wasn’t wrong.) I knew he was playing with me. We laughed and laughed.
That year, I got the loving nickname “Air Hairta,” which continued into my senior year. It was hilarious! During the basketball games, my friends held signs saying, “Air Hairta.” This example of fun teasing connected me and my friends with silly, life-long memories! Those were the days—ironically, my head is now shaved.
As parents, we guide our kids toward healthy ways of navigating relationships. Teaching your family the art of playful, positive teasing is part of the fun. Helping children discern and deal with teasing to form and maintain a healthy identity is another important responsibility we share.
The post 5 Strategies to Help Kids Handle Teasing and Build Healthy Identity appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...
Several years ago, a young man teased throughout his childhood about his height came to my counseling office for the first time. I asked him why he had come to see me, and he said, “Dr. Huerta, I’m too short!” I naturally asked, “Too short for…what?” He said, “Too short to ever get married.” Interesting conclusion! Over time, through thoroughly exploring his personal history, personality, and life interpretations, we got to reinterpret the teasing and assumptions he had collected along the way.
Teasing is a part of a complex social dance that straddles the fence between aggression and play. Although common, it requires understanding what the other person or people intend and what insecurities or triggers it may bring to the surface.
Teasing in early childhood: A developmental perspective
Although teasing can be confusing for kids, they begin responding to it from a young age. By the age of 18 months, toddlers can show that they enjoy the social dynamics of playfully teasing.
By age 4 to 6, children begin understanding and participating in teasing intentions and behaviors with one another and tend to develop either a victim or a teaser perspective in response to teasing. In other words, kids tend to show one of the following responses:
- An ever-increasing sensitivity to teasing
- A skill for assertiveness when being teased
- An ability to tease back with ease
Early on, we must teach our kids to treat one another with the compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, and self-control that Colossians 3:12 tells us to “wear” daily.
As children grow up, they construct a perception of who they are, including what other people say about them. The challenge is that hurtful teasing sometimes occurs during times of insecurity, frustration, social survival, emotions, and other social complexities, which can create distorted messages children can carry deep inside.
The role of personality: How children respond differently
Personality differences also affect how children construct this personal reality and handle teasing. In fact, you may have an anxious personality-type child who sees him or herself as a victim when being teased, while a playful leader or talker personality-type child may see teasing as a fun way to connect with others. These different personalities may experience the same teasing situation in very different ways.
Take this personality quiz to help you and your child navigate the tricky emotions that teasing brings.
No matter what personality type you or your child have, our mouths convey what is in our hearts. Luke 6:45 boldly calls out the importance of our words: “The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.” Teach your child how to tease playfully, not hurtfully. Encourage him or her to empathize with others, too — to think about how the person they are teasing is likely to feel.
The family environment is another key dynamic contributing to how children view or respond to teasing. In fact, some families make fun-loving teasing a part of their day-to-day interactions, while others consider it wrong and unacceptable behavior. While teasing can be a form of aggression or abuse, it can also be flirtation, bonding, and playful connection. For some kids, this kind of environment, within trusting and healthy relationships, creates resilience in response to peer teasing.
Identity formation and teasing: Building resilience
Children need honest and loving feedback early on as they discover who they’ve been created to be. Identity formation is a life-long journey of discovery and feedback that is best done within the context of trusting relationships. Children with a foggy or anxious sense of who they are are more likely to fall prey to a victim perspective when being teased and may become defensive or self-conscious.
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Five strategies to help children handle Teasing
Ultimately, children need to learn to look for a few important clues when trying to sift through the complexities of teasing.
1. Interpret Teasing Incidents: Teaching Children to Understand Intentions
When teaching children how to interpret the intention behind teasing, Philippians 2:4 is a good guide. The verse encourages: “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others” — that includes the teaser and the “teas-ee.” To teach your child to be a good interpreter of teasing, help them look for what the other person is trying to accomplish by teasing them. As they think about the other person’s objective, they can ask themselves:
- Are they simply wanting to play and have fun?
- Do they want to get my attention and connect?
- Are they wanting to look good in front of others?
- Are they trying to feel better about themselves?
- Are they trying to be mean?
- Are they trying to flirt?
- Are they trying to hide their insecurities?
Teasing almost always communicates a deeper need:
- To create a personal connection
- To have fun or play
- Communication of something they don’t know how to communicate overtly
- To hurt, control, overpower
- Driven by jealousy
Many sports teams have teasing as part of their culture. Some are within a safe, fun, playful environment, and some have it as part of a toxic, mean, competitive, jealous culture.
In a playful culture, you will see lightheartedness and people laughing together. Teasing creates relaxation. However, in a toxic culture, you will see aggression from one person or group exchanged. Criticism and imperfection are highlighted, and verbal jabs are thrown. The “loser” person (or a group of people) gets quiet, shrinks back, withdraws, or gets angry. Tension is created.
As children wrestle with these questions, we need to help them recognize what is happening in their environment so that they can learn to see themselves through a lens of love and compassion. Remind your kids often how much you believe in them, and don’t hesitate to tell them what you love about them so that their hearts are full of good things to offset any harmful teasing.
2. Respond to Teasing by Considering the Source: Strategies for Confidence and Compassion
Next, teach them to consider the teasing source (the teaser) and ways to respond confidently when someone is being mean. In other words, is the teaser trustworthy, or do they tend to be rude and mean to others? Do they say mean things followed by an uncomfortable “just teasing!” as if you’re the one overreacting? If your child notices the teaser is trying to be mean, help them learn to see it as an issue in the other person and not an issue in themselves.
Growing up in Mexico, I remember my friends and me teasing a boy named Lucas when he moved to our school. In 1st and 2nd grade, his Spanish accent was funny to us. Unlike a Mexican accent, the “s” of a Spanish accent makes a “th” sound like a lisp. As if a new kid doesn’t already feel like an outsider, every time Lucas would say his name (or any other word with an “s”), we would tease him because he was different. We were just having fun with something novel, but I know it must have hurt the boy’s feelings and made him feel very insecure.
When someone teases to be cruel, they often target things their victim can’t control, like skin acne, a stutter, clumsiness, or issues around popularity. Commonly, when boys tease in a mean way, it often surrounds issues of power and dominance. When girls do so, their sneaky aggression typically expresses jealousy and establishes social status.
No matter your age, it is hard not to clap back when you’re being hurt. However, the less response and the more confidence a child brings to those moments, the less power a mean teaser can gain. Some children tolerate mean teasing and laugh it off to avoid losing peer connection. They are willing to miserably stay connected to their peers to avoid the dreaded feelings of rejection or loneliness. The assumption is that they will lose peer connection if they don’t take the teasing. Kids can learn ways to look confident on the outside (power pose) and can practice pre-rehearsed responses (“That’s interesting” or “Hmm, I didn’t know that” and then move on) to disarm a person trying to be mean through teasing.
By learning to step back and assess the intent of the teaser, your child gains the gift of objectivity and can refocus their thoughts on things that are true, noble, right, pure, excellent, and praiseworthy about themselves — and maybe even the person being mean to them. Ultimately, Jesus promises that God will provide His peace for those who receive and practice these good things. (Philippians 4:8-9)
Perhaps by stepping back to assess the intent, your child may notice that the teaser(s) is genuinely trying to be funny in a playful and connecting way. That could teach them healthy and effective ways to play back.
If not, you can teach them to kindly and respectfully say, “I know you’re just trying to have fun, but I don’t like…” or “I feel frustrated/hurt/annoyed when you say…” Help them find ways to communicate what they like and don’t like and how they appreciate being treated, including when people are just trying to have fun with them through teasing. It is helpful for children to learn how to laugh at themselves during playful teasing, which allows for humility to grow and lessens the pressure of a desperate need to be loved by everyone.
In high school, my daughter was teased by two boys for being blonde. Whenever she made a mistake in class or didn’t know the answer to a question, these boys commented about her intelligence and hair color. They would say, “You’re blonde, so how would you know?” The boys seemed to be trying to get her attention in various ways, but when they teased her like this, Lexi felt stupid — she lost confidence in her academic skills. Lexi internalized what they were saying to her.
It sounded like the boys may have been trying to flirt with her, but they didn’t realize they were teasing her about something she was sensitive about. A couple of significant concussions had left Lexi with some learning issues. She was already self-conscious about her intelligence. The boys did not know any of that. To help her see the truth, my wife and I talked with Lexi to process their possible motives. Their fun and flirtiness felt anything but that to our daughter, but gaining a new perspective helped shift the impact of their words.
3. Learn About and Recognize Their Triggers
Just as Lexi needed help sorting through what was happening in and around her teasing scenario, kids often need help learning to recognize their triggers, or “buttons.” In response to playful teasing, you can help your child consider why they exist, and how to manage their reaction in healthy ways. These buttons are often due to insecurities, self-doubt, or misinterpretations from a more anxious view of the world. A great phrase is, “Another way to look at what they said is…” or “Could they actually be trying to find a way to make you smile or play with you using their words?” Take some time to make a list of triggers or buttons and explore why each one exists together. Then, you can help them see how words triggering these don’t have to be threatening.
4. Eliminate the Habit of Negative Teasing and Sarcasm from Your Home: The Impacts on Self-Esteem
Sometimes, raising kids can spotlight things we’ve overlooked in our homes — like a destructive culture of sarcasm. I’ve worked with some families who live in a sarcastic, teasing culture. Within these families, it is often a passive-aggressive way to communicate something they’re annoyed with, angry, or concerned about. For example, they may tease about someone’s eating habits out of concern for their weight, driving habits when they are worried about the person’s bad driving, or messiness when they are upset with the person’s lack of organizational skills. It is a way to communicate in a non-conflict style what they believe to be weaknesses or concerns.
Occasionally, I’ve worked with dads who grew up with a culture of mean sarcasm. These men brought a habit of put-downs into their homes. Some even viewed teasing as a way to “toughen up” their kids — out of fear that they will be weak if they don’t know how to handle teasing. In these settings, kids frequently feel unloved or “not good enough” for their father. While these dads believed such teasing was just normal and “fun” teasing, their kids felt the biting loss of self-confidence.
If your home and child are used to endless teasing and sarcasm, consider how that may impact others outside your family. Be open to constructive feedback, especially if your child is hurtful toward others. Your child must also be aware that many people do not like being teased. If your child has difficulty stopping this behavior, help them explore what is driving their need to tease others.
One boy came to my office struggling with self-confidence. He shared that he and his brother are close, but his brother calls him stupid and pathetic — and he believes his brother’s teasing. They’ll often tease back and forth to the point that they get physical. He accepts what his brother has said, and it negatively affects his self-esteem. “Just teasing” like this is no joke. As parents, paying attention to the tenor of our kids’ banter is essential. If their intent is to pester, provoke, annoy, or tear down, you may need to step in. Teasing is only okay if it is fun for everyone.
5. Share the Fun Side: Creating Positive Teasing Experiences
Teasing can be fun in trusting and close relationships, and those good memories can last for years! Cue the family. Set the environment early by looking for things to laugh about together. Positive, laughable experiences create lasting, joyful memories. Disarm the barbs of harmful teasing with fun and self-deprecating humor. To create connection, play together often — demonstrating the fun side of a good ribbing. The halls of a loving, Christ-centered home create space for positive, playful teasing and the memories that live there.
One of my favorite memories happened the week before my junior year of high school began. I was visiting family, and my sister convinced me to get a perm. I had been eyeing perms to have hair like Kirk Cameron. Both my sister and the hairdresser said it would be just some waves, but as I looked in the mirror after the process was complete, I looked like a poodle. I was a teenager; hair and looks were important to me!
I vividly remember saying, “Oh no! How do I get my hair back to normal?!”
“It will be fine. Your hair will calm down after a few showers,” they said.
It was not, and my hair did not. I showed up that first day of school, hoping others wouldn’t notice. Sure enough, when I ran into one of my friends in the hall, the first thing out of his mouth was, “Wow, Danny! You look like a poodle!” He yelled it down the hallway. (He wasn’t wrong.) I knew he was playing with me. We laughed and laughed.
That year, I got the loving nickname “Air Hairta,” which continued into my senior year. It was hilarious! During the basketball games, my friends held signs saying, “Air Hairta.” This example of fun teasing connected me and my friends with silly, life-long memories! Those were the days—ironically, my head is now shaved.
As parents, we guide our kids toward healthy ways of navigating relationships. Teaching your family the art of playful, positive teasing is part of the fun. Helping children discern and deal with teasing to form and maintain a healthy identity is another important responsibility we share.
The post 5 Strategies to Help Kids Handle Teasing and Build Healthy Identity appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...
