A Lot Of Uncertainties....

[LostSoul]

As of the past month I have been making a lot of changes that I am not too sure I am liking in terms of attitude and overall outlook on life....I am starting to wonder if they are impacting heavily on my now one year old son.

A number of those behaviors and thoughts are:

When I do not like something I have done or I am finding myself having trouble coping with things, sometimes I smack myself in the head.

I am afraid to seek comfort from my husband in regards of any feelings I may have on various matters due to our differing points of view at times. Otherwise on account of the recent estrangement from my family.

I always tend to look for the worst in myself as well as seek out reasons why people would want to let me down when they do not keep their word. In addition, I have begun to start to think that people I have known for years do not think much of me and merely put up with me for the sake of my husband. This has been ongoing despite any attempts made by my husband to try to help me feel otherwise.


My son is rather clingy to me and has temper tantrums if I:

Leave him in a play pen

Sometimes if I decide to leave the room for a moment with him in the care of any other loved ones that he enjoys being with, sometimes including daddy

He bangs his little head on the railing of his play pen, often making me resort to laying him down again and again in the play pen to keep him from truly hurting himself

Sometimes he arches and kicks when upset


AM I A BAD MOTHER?
AM I DOING SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM?
AM I BEING A BAD WIFE?

 

[LostSoul]

Nothing?

 

[Mike]

When I do not like something I have done or I am finding myself having trouble coping with things, sometimes I smack myself in the head.

I am afraid to seek comfort from my husband in regards of any feelings I may have on various matters due to our differing points of view at times. Otherwise on account of the recent estrangement from my family.

I read this shortly after you posted it, but I wasn't sure I was being led with the right response, and I didn't want to force it. I'm not sure I have the right response now, but I don't want you to think no one cares. Are you saying here that you don't feel you can "find" comfort in your husband because of your differences of opinion? The overall body of work from your different posts seems to suggest you two, while you have struggles like many people, are in this together. I've read where you said he's a Christian, so I'm thinking that's not a difference. My initial response was that you have your family there. "A man shall leave his mother. A woman shall leave her home." Sometimes we need to protect our family from others within our larger family. My wife doesn't have the best relationship with her father or sibs. They seem to resent her because of what she has. Not that we're rich and powerful, but we have a strong family.

I always tend to look for the worst in myself as well as seek out reasons why people would want to let me down when they do not keep their word. In addition, I have begun to start to think that people I have known for years do not think much of me and merely put up with me for the sake of my husband. This has been ongoing despite any attempts made by my husband to try to help me feel otherwise.

Forgive the sexist connotation this may imply, but I tend to think women (the way they're wired) spend more time analyzing the way other people accept them than men. My friend and I both talk about how our wives (not a lot) will wonder what someone meant, or why they did something. Men, it seems, tend to shrug that stuff off and not read into it. What I'm trying to say is, I don't think it's you. I think God made women more sensitive to this stuff than men. Not all, but in general maybe. And of course I don't know you, so I'm giving my opinion based on very little. I could be way off.

My son is rather clingy to me and has temper tantrums if I:

Leave him in a play pen

Sometimes if I decide to leave the room for a moment with him in the care of any other loved ones that he enjoys being with, sometimes including daddy

He bangs his little head on the railing of his play pen, often making me resort to laying him down again and again in the play pen to keep him from truly hurting himself

Sometimes he arches and kicks when upset


AM I A BAD MOTHER?
AM I DOING SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM?
AM I BEING A BAD WIFE?

Everyone seems to think their way of parenting is "the way". It's actually refreshing to hear that someone considers that she might need advice. I certainly wouldn't say you're a bad mother or doing something wrong with him, but maybe you are setting him up for more separation anxiety when he gets older. I'm not a child psychologist, so I can't say what the implications will be down the road. My parents laughed at us when we would jump to our childrens' needs, instead of teaching them to not be needy, but they seemed to have turned out alright - in fact, I think they're terrific! You love your child and are doing your best to be a good mother to him.

I would say, overall, don't let family become a wedge between you and your husband. He is your priority, and you are his.

I'll pray for you.

Mike

 

[LostSoul]

When I do not like something I have done or I am finding myself having trouble coping with things, sometimes I smack myself in the head.

I am afraid to seek comfort from my husband in regards of any feelings I may have on various matters due to our differing points of view at times. Otherwise on account of the recent estrangement from my family.

I read this shortly after you posted it, but I wasn't sure I was being led with the right response, and I didn't want to force it. I'm not sure I have the right response now, but I don't want you to think no one cares. Are you saying here that you don't feel you can "find" comfort in your husband because of your differences of opinion? The overall body of work from your different posts seems to suggest you two, while you have struggles like many people, are in this together. I've read where you said he's a Christian, so I'm thinking that's not a difference. My initial response was that you have your family there. "A man shall leave his mother. A woman shall leave her home." Sometimes we need to protect our family from others within our larger family. My wife doesn't have the best relationship with her father or sibs. They seem to resent her because of what she has. Not that we're rich and powerful, but we have a strong family.

I always tend to look for the worst in myself as well as seek out reasons why people would want to let me down when they do not keep their word. In addition, I have begun to start to think that people I have known for years do not think much of me and merely put up with me for the sake of my husband. This has been ongoing despite any attempts made by my husband to try to help me feel otherwise.

Forgive the sexist connotation this may imply, but I tend to think women (the way they're wired) spend more time analyzing the way other people accept them than men. My friend and I both talk about how our wives (not a lot) will wonder what someone meant, or why they did something. Men, it seems, tend to shrug that stuff off and not read into it. What I'm trying to say is, I don't think it's you. I think God made women more sensitive to this stuff than men. Not all, but in general maybe. And of course I don't know you, so I'm giving my opinion based on very little. I could be way off.

My son is rather clingy to me and has temper tantrums if I:

Leave him in a play pen

Sometimes if I decide to leave the room for a moment with him in the care of any other loved ones that he enjoys being with, sometimes including daddy

He bangs his little head on the railing of his play pen, often making me resort to laying him down again and again in the play pen to keep him from truly hurting himself

Sometimes he arches and kicks when upset


AM I A BAD MOTHER?
AM I DOING SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM?
AM I BEING A BAD WIFE?

Everyone seems to think their way of parenting is "the way". It's actually refreshing to hear that someone considers that she might need advice. I certainly wouldn't say you're a bad mother or doing something wrong with him, but maybe you are setting him up for more separation anxiety when he gets older. I'm not a child psychologist, so I can't say what the implications will be down the road. My parents laughed at us when we would jump to our childrens' needs, instead of teaching them to not be needy, but they seemed to have turned out alright - in fact, I think they're terrific! You love your child and are doing your best to be a good mother to him.

I would say, overall, don't let family become a wedge between you and your husband. He is your priority, and you are his.

I'll pray for you.

Mike

Mike,

We live with his family because we have no where to go. We also are both jobless on account of the fact i was formely employed with my family and when they were upset with me not doing something they wanted that was nto work related, they terminated me. So the two of us were really put into a rough spot in terms of making the best decision for our boy. Both of us are seriously looking for employment and going thelocal library as often as we can just so I can do well in my online courses this way I might still become a teacher and maybe one day better provide for my son. My husband has been calling and working with an employment agency down here. Hoping perhaps if he is persistent enough he may get omething stable.

Am I overanalytic? Maybe....then with the recent falling out between me and my folks whom I am no longer in contact with...I guess it would make sense that I am having trust issues. There are other things that addto this naturally. Some things my hubby do not see eye to eye on are matters such as him smoking cigars as I was urged by him sone years ago to quit smoking cigarettes so in a way...perhaps I am resentful to him as I feel he is doing the "Do as I say, not as I do" routine. Alcohol too is an issue for me as I have a number of alcoholics or those with alcohol issues on both his and my sides of the family.

In short, it feels like a bit much for me to take in and cope with...then perhaps I am being too sensitive.

I am presently looking into some counseling...but not getting much of anywhere as outside of church there is only one place in which I can recieve it where I live as I am without a car.

I than you for giving me some form of response. I was begining to think I waste my time hoping others might care. Thank you too for your prayers....I need them. As does y husband and son.

 

[Tina]

.
I am neither a wife nor a mother, but will definitely be praying for you and your husband.

 

[Timf]

In addition, I have begun to start to think that people I have known for years do not think much of me and merely put up with me for the sake of my husband.

The world usually describes what you are feeling as "low self-esteem". In actuality it can be excessive self-preoccupation.

There was a comic strip called "Cathy" that often captured some of the differences between men and women. In one strip it showed Cathy and her boyfriend trying to put together something they purchased that needed assembly. Cathy immediately wondered what she was doing wrong. Her boyfriend immediately wonder what the company had done wrong.

The reason the "self-esteem" idea is so popular is because women so often feel bad about themselves. The remedy Satan is quick to provide is to be even more self-focused which usually perpetuates and amplifies the bad feelings under the guise of promoting "good" feelings.

This phenomena is even more pronounced in today's society. With both husband and wife working outside the home, there is often greater isolation between a husband and wife and often greater worldly influences contaminating a marriage.

As our society becomes more fragmented and godless, husbands often never become acquainted with things that they need to provide their wives.

1. A wife will need constant reassurance from her husband.
2. A husband needs to make sure that his wife has an older wiser and Godly woman from whom she can learn.
3. A husband needs to make sure his wife has Godly friends that will show an interest in her.

A mother of small children often feels helpless and uncertain as to how to raise her children. This is exacerbated if there is no wiser older woman from whom she can learn.

Sometimes he arches and kicks when upset

Mothers of small children get quite an intimate education in the depth of our sin nature. Mothers are the first ones who have to teach, train, and discipline children. The Bible says that the child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother. Tantrums and rebellion need to be dealt with. You and your husband can discuss what you think is appropriate. The process of seeking out answers to these sorts of questions can help a marriage become closer.

We live in a time when church organizations have events, programs, and classes as opposed to people relating to each other in friendships. This makes it much more difficult find Christian whose friendship can actually be beneficial.

If you know of any older and wiser Christian women in your church (or outside) who clearly show the light and love of Jesus in their lives, you may want to consider asking them to help you know Jesus like they do. In the process, you may find a real friend who can help you avoid the consuming spiral excessive self-preoccupation can bring.

The rejection by your family can bring significant emotional distress. This can create an emotional isolation where unhealthy things can grow. Focusing on things like your husbands smoking and drinking can drive a wedge between you and your husband at just the time when you are most emotionally vulnerable and need a closer relationship with him.

For the Christian, time of great emotional distress can be beneficial. One of the hardest things Christians face is the surrender of themselves to the Lord. This can be easier when we feel like we have less to hold on to. It is when we are broken and humble that we are most able to be used by the Lord.

 

[LostSoul]

In addition, I have begun to start to think that people I have known for years do not think much of me and merely put up with me for the sake of my husband.

The world usually describes what you are feeling as "low self-esteem". In actuality it can be excessive self-preoccupation.

There was a comic strip called "Cathy" that often captured some of the differences between men and women. In one strip it showed Cathy and her boyfriend trying to put together something they purchased that needed assembly. Cathy immediately wondered what she was doing wrong. Her boyfriend immediately wonder what the company had done wrong.

The reason the "self-esteem" idea is so popular is because women so often feel bad about themselves. The remedy Satan is quick to provide is to be even more self-focused which usually perpetuates and amplifies the bad feelings under the guise of promoting "good" feelings.

This phenomena is even more pronounced in today's society. With both husband and wife working outside the home, there is often greater isolation between a husband and wife and often greater worldly influences contaminating a marriage.

As our society becomes more fragmented and godless, husbands often never become acquainted with things that they need to provide their wives.

1. A wife will need constant reassurance from her husband.
2. A husband needs to make sure that his wife has an older wiser and Godly woman from whom she can learn.
3. A husband needs to make sure his wife has Godly friends that will show an interest in her.

A mother of small children often feels helpless and uncertain as to how to raise her children. This is exacerbated if there is no wiser older woman from whom she can learn.

[quote:2fmomqmj]
Sometimes he arches and kicks when upset

Mothers of small children get quite an intimate education in the depth of our sin nature. Mothers are the first ones who have to teach, train, and discipline children. The Bible says that the child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother. Tantrums and rebellion need to be dealt with. You and your husband can discuss what you think is appropriate. The process of seeking out answers to these sorts of questions can help a marriage become closer.

We live in a time when church organizations have events, programs, and classes as opposed to people relating to each other in friendships. This makes it much more difficult find Christian whose friendship can actually be beneficial.

If you know of any older and wiser Christian women in your church (or outside) who clearly show the light and love of Jesus in their lives, you may want to consider asking them to help you know Jesus like they do. In the process, you may find a real friend who can help you avoid the consuming spiral excessive self-preoccupation can bring.

The rejection by your family can bring significant emotional distress. This can create an emotional isolation where unhealthy things can grow. Focusing on things like your husbands smoking and drinking can drive a wedge between you and your husband at just the time when you are most emotionally vulnerable and need a closer relationship with him.

For the Christian, time of great emotional distress can be beneficial. One of the hardest things Christians face is the surrender of themselves to the Lord. This can be easier when we feel like we have less to hold on to. It is when we are broken and humble that we are most able to be used by the Lord.[/quote:2fmomqmj]

Self preoccupation sounds a lot like self absorbtion to me.....well....guess it is worth considering. Will work on it....thanks.