A New Level in Parenting

[Mike]

Wow. When your kids are little, you deal with little things and they seem so important. As our kids have gotten older, I long for those days.

Julie was looking through Joshua's wallet, and she found a single condom.

He'll be 17 in October. I talked to him alone, and he immediately went to a straight-faced response that he's never used one, and he only had it in his wallet in case he was in a situation. I'm resisting the inclination to even consider that this is a wise plan B, C, D or E. "Plan A" is the only plan, and it starts with the plan to avoid being in those situations.

In my mind, taking that attitude is like saying I'm going to the beach and not planning on getting wet, but I"m wearing my bathing suit just in case. You wear your bathing suit, and the option of changing your mind about getting wet is too easy. I don't care what his school or the world is telling him, this cannot be an option in his mind.

To myself I'll say I hope if anything ever does happen he will protect himself, but I cannot give him that kind of out clause. Secularists will say this is ignorant and I'm in denial if my only directive to him is abstinence, but I will not be sucked into that kind of reasoning. It came down to urging him to take this to God and talk to Him about it. He needs to be Led into an unwavering commitment to celibacy as a promise to God and the woman he will one day marry. That's it. That's the plan. That's the only plan.

 

[abide]

Wow. When your kids are little, you deal with little things and they seem so important. As our kids have gotten older, I long for those days.

Julie was looking through Joshua's wallet, and she found a single condom.

He'll be 17 in October. I talked to him alone, and he immediately went to a straight-faced response that he's never used one, and he only had it in his wallet in case he was in a situation. I'm resisting the inclination to even consider that this is a wise plan B, C, D or E. "Plan A" is the only plan, and it starts with the plan to avoid being in those situations.

In my mind, taking that attitude is like saying I'm going to the beach and not planning on getting wet, but I"m wearing my bathing suit just in case. You wear your bathing suit, and the option of changing your mind about getting wet is too easy. I don't care what his school or the world is telling him, this cannot be an option in his mind.

To myself I'll say I hope if anything ever does happen he will protect himself, but I cannot give him that kind of out clause. Secularists will say this is ignorant and I'm in denial if my only directive to him is abstinence, but I will not be sucked into that kind of reasoning. It came down to urging him to take this to God and talk to Him about it. He needs to be Led into an unwavering commitment to celibacy as a promise to God and the woman he will one day marry. That's it. That's the plan. That's the only plan.

I can understand your concerns. It is not easy I am sure. What you have said is the truth. Hope Joshua does not allow the peer pressure to get to him. You are a sensible father.. Will keep you all in my prayers. God is able.

 

[reba]

I agree with Abide you are a good dad.... Most of us parents survive the teen years.... Josh is fighting a big battle, i am sure you remember those days, he needs lots of support... double dating does not keep kids from having sex.

 

[AirDancer]

I fully understand what you're experiencing, Mike .... I was in your proverbial shoes years ago when my son was a junior in high school. He had pulled out his wallet to put some money in it, and that distinctive mark was embossed on the side of the wallet. We had a talk...he said all the other guys carried them, and he didn't want them to know he didn't indulge, so to speak.

The year previous, he had attended Promise Keepers, and he came home with the knowledge that any girl he might be intimate with, would someday be somebody's mom. It had an impact on him and made his life easier after that. I don't know anything about Promise Keepers today ... my son attended in the 90s.... you might see if anyone you know attended back in that era, who might recall the discussion about the topic.

You are a great dad, as Abide & Reba have stated... and you will survive the teen years. You & your family are in my prayers.

 

[duari91]

Wow. When your kids are little, you deal with little things and they seem so important. As our kids have gotten older, I long for those days.

Julie was looking through Joshua's wallet, and she found a single condom.

He'll be 17 in October. I talked to him alone, and he immediately went to a straight-faced response that he's never used one, and he only had it in his wallet in case he was in a situation. I'm resisting the inclination to even consider that this is a wise plan B, C, D or E. "Plan A" is the only plan, and it starts with the plan to avoid being in those situations.

In my mind, taking that attitude is like saying I'm going to the beach and not planning on getting wet, but I"m wearing my bathing suit just in case. You wear your bathing suit, and the option of changing your mind about getting wet is too easy. I don't care what his school or the world is telling him, this cannot be an option in his mind.

To myself I'll say I hope if anything ever does happen he will protect himself, but I cannot give him that kind of out clause. Secularists will say this is ignorant and I'm in denial if my only directive to him is abstinence, but I will not be sucked into that kind of reasoning. It came down to urging him to take this to God and talk to Him about it. He needs to be Led into an unwavering commitment to celibacy as a promise to God and the woman he will one day marry. That's it. That's the plan. That's the only plan.

To be honest, you can only do as much as guide him. Strict rules, or strict punishment will actually have the opposite effect (I was a teenager not too long ago myself). Guide him with love, kindness, and understanding. Not with judgement, harsh consequences, or disappointment. He has reached a tough point in his life, especially because of his raging hormones. Remember when you were his age? Sometimes we forget how hard it is to resist those temptations.

An illustration to help you understand would be something like...You can take a horse to water, but you can't force him to drink. Or, you can take an addict to rehab, but can't force them to get better. In the end, no matter how much guidance he gets, he has to end the battle himself.

Hope that puts things into perspective! I think your son will make the right choice.

 

[Mike]

First of all, thanks for all the support. Every single morning in my devotionals, I go to the Lord in prayer and include our children in them. I ask the Lord to draw them down His Path. I ask Him to give me discernment, wisdom, and a willing heart to be used however I can to foster in them a desire to seek Him and follow His ways. As they (16, 14, 11) grow into young adulthood, I believe I will face my toughest times as a dad who desperately wants his children to depend on, trust in, and cling to the Lord. Leaving this in His hands is what I need to do, but it will be the hardest thing for me to do.

I don't want to make too much or too little of it. It may have been that he just stuck it in his wallet, and he's not seeking it. All and all, he is a good kid. But as I head into this new phase of parenting, it's something I'm just getting my mind around. As much as I knew these days would come, I still feel like I left a movie and came back in at a wild point. How did I get here??

Air Dancer, I went to those Promise Keepers conferences. In fact it was at one of them that the veil was lifted and I was Led to submit my life to Him. :yes That used to be an awesome ministry, but they dwindled away to the point that I don't think they're even around anymore.

To be honest, you can only do as much as guide him. Strict rules, or strict punishment will actually have the opposite effect (I was a teenager not too long ago myself). Guide him with love, kindness, and understanding. Not with judgement, harsh consequences, or disappointment. He has reached a tough point in his life, especially because of his raging hormones. Remember when you were his age? Sometimes we forget how hard it is to resist those temptations.

An illustration to help you understand would be something like...You can take a horse to water, but you can't force him to drink. Or, you can take an addict to rehab, but can't force them to get better. In the end, no matter how much guidance he gets, he has to end the battle himself.

Hope that puts things into perspective! I think your son will make the right choice.

In the end, this is what it came down to. I prayed with him and urged him to spend time with the Lord about this. I can't be around him all the time, and he will need to make these decisions for himself, but...

From the time he was ~10, the message was clear. NO sex outside of marriage. No drugs, no sex. I've heard statistics cited many times that have demonstrated that having this clear message sent is effective in reducing the likelihood that children will engage in it. Dr. Dobson was always an advocate for this, and he was very influential on me as a dad. Of course it's not 100%, but it does appear to have an impact on it. So, there it is - Joshua, no sex before marriage. That's our rule, and especially while he is in our care, he knows our rule on it. More than that, though, it is his heavenly Father's will, so he has two dads (one father and one Father) who are telling him not to do it.

 

[thisnumbersdisconnected]

My son went through this about seven years ago. He's 25 [that's an edit; I forgot he had a birthday!] now, probably going to be married by the end of next year, and tells me (and I believe him) he is a virgin to this day. It wasn't easy, however.

He took the True Love Waits pledge, and he has the ring he will present to his wife on their wedding night on a chain he wears around his neck. When he was a high school freshman, he made the varsity soccer team and was the starting goalkeeper. During one stretch of his freshman year, he had five straight shutouts. He had girls coming up to him for the rest of the year, telling him right to his face, "You can have me if you want." He'd just shake his head and walk away, but he'd come home visibly upset, and he'd ask, "Dad, what is that all about?" He knew he didn't want to break his promise, but resisting the temptation was almost too much pressure for a 14-year-old.

Things didn't get easier. He got a D-1 scholarship, he was drafted by an MLS team and he played for three season before wrecking his knee. Now he's a tech support manager for military and commercial products for a major electronics firm. He's going to seminary starting this fall, to become a youth pastor. He tells me he has never been without pressure and temptation, and yet he has resisted through the power of Christ. One of the things he said helped him stay focused was the fact that he has a younger sister who is on the other side of the issue and being hit on constantly. He saw the pressure she was under and says he didn't want to be the one putting pressure on someone who could be his sister. She's now in pre-med at Mizzou and also has lived up to her pledge.

I don't know if this helps, Mike, but no, it's not easy, and likely the pressure will not let up but instead get worse. You can only do what I did, which was to pray, encourage and talk about the decisions that may face him before they present themselves. I pray for Josh to have strength through Christ, for you and Julie to be a continuing blessing to him and to your other kids, and urge you to know that what you are doing is the right thing and, with God's blessing, will have the desired results.

 

[abide]

My son went through this about seven years ago. He's 24 now, probably going to be married by the end of next year, and tells me (and I believe him) he is a virgin to this day. It wasn't easy, however.

He took the True Love Waits pledge, and he has the ring he will present to his wife on their wedding night on a chain he wears around his neck. When he was a high school freshman, he made the varsity soccer team and was the starting goalkeeper. During one stretch of his freshman year, he had five straight shutouts. He had girls coming up to him for the rest of the year, telling him right to his face, "You can have me if you want." He'd just shake his head and walk away, but he'd come home visibly upset, and he'd ask, "Dad, what is that all about?" He knew he didn't want to break his promise, but resisting the temptation was almost too much pressure for a 14-year-old.

Things didn't get easier. He got a D-1 scholarship, he was drafted by an MLS team and he played for three season before wrecking his knee. Now he's a tech support manager for military and commercial products for a major electronics firm. He's going to seminary starting this fall, to become a youth pastor. He tells me he has never been without pressure and temptation, and yet he has resisted through the power of Christ. One of the things he said helped him stay focused was the fact that he has a younger sister who is on the other side of the issue and being hit on constantly. He saw the pressure she was under and says he didn't want to be the one putting pressure on someone who could be his sister. She's now in pre-med at Mizzou and also has lived up to her pledge.

I don't know if this helps, Mike, but no, it's not easy, and likely the pressure will not let up but instead get worse. You can only do what I did, which was to pray, encourage and talk about the decisions that may face him before they present themselves. I pray for Josh to have strength through Christ, for you and Julie to be a continuing blessing to him and to your other kids, and urge you to know that what you are doing is the right thing and, with God's blessing, will have the desired results.

Thank God..will continue to pray for your son and daughter too. They will need it. May God continue to strengthen them.

 

[Mike]

TND, thank you too for that encouragement. Your son is a person with remarkable character. To have that conviction at such a young age is to have been an inspiration to his peers. What a Light to his world he was... and is.

I'm curious about how other Christian parents see the role of condoms for their single children. Do others see it as a recipe for an unplanned pregnancy to say basically, "You will not carry one, because you will not put yourself in that position, and you will not have premarital sex."? Should they take precautions in the event they get carried away? By advocating this safety net, are you accepting that risky behavior/sin will happen, or is it just being practical in 2012? I think I've made my position clear.

 

[handy]

Oh boy, Mike... I feel for Joshua, you and Julie as well. Our poor kids are in a world that is so in their face about sex...sad.

We don't compromise on issues like condoms, birth control pills, etc. We tell the kids that the expectation from God, from us, from their own decent character and sense of what is right and wrong, is to not have sex outside of marriage.

Viola and Tom know all about condoms, etc. We've told them, if they think they are old enough to have sex, then they are also old enough to be smart about protection (which condoms aren't all that protective anyway)... but that sex in high school is never the smart decision. We will never buy them anything like that... if they think they are old enough to handle sexual situations other than saying "No"... then they are old enough to go down to the doctors or Walgreens and buy what they need. This is always followed up with, if you wait until you're married, you don't need to worry about it.

Also, there is the whole HPV vaccine issue. This isn't for girls only... guys who are going to be sexually active with more than one partner, or be sexually active with someone who has had more than one partner, should get this vaccine as well so as not to pass the virus on to their sexual partners. I've told Viola (I don't know if Steve has had this conversation with Tom yet) that before she gets married, she needs to understand the sexual history of her fiance. If he's a virgin, then they both can relax and simply plan out child bearing. If he's not though, she'll need to make sure that she gets the vaccine.

When we were kids, yeah, we dealt with the raging hormones and it was hard... but at least for me, if you were the kind of girl who "did it"... you had a reputation as a skank. Nowadays, if you're the girl who isn't doing it, you have a reputation as a loser.

I had also thought along the same lines that Air Dancer shared... that perhaps he's carrying it more for show.. to alleviate some of the peer pressure... than an actual intention of using it, just in case.

But, your "bathing suit at the beach" illustration is spot on... the fact that it's there will only increase the chances of the "situation" arising.

I think we serve our kids well when they know we aren't going to compromise on this. Everyone else in their lives are calling out to them to compromise... if mom and dad are standing strong... that gives them something to lean on.

Viola's been propositioned for sex twice now. The first guy, she just kicked to the curb. The second guy... this was the one she was texting... well, Joe was dating someone at the time, so her love for him was sort of taking a hit... the kid is one of the more popular kids at the school... she was really thinking about it, but at the same time, she couldn't bring herself to try to sneak out of the house. (She had already told him that they wouldn't have a chance if they went on a date because her dates are chaperoned, otherwise that's when they would have done it.) She had moved from the temptation of just being propositioned for sex, to trying to figure out a way to get alone with him when I... being the snoop mom, saw the texts and we put a stop to it.

Two weeks later, Joe broke up with his girlfriend, and she was so glad that she didn't do it.

After all our talks about sex, after all the teaching, the emphasizing that abstinence outside of marriage is what God expects, it's what we expect, it's what's best for her, for her future relationships, for her health and well being.... she was still so tempted when it looked like her beloved grocery boy was going to be out of her future.

She does have the desire to wait and not just because of Joe, but because that's what she feels is best, but the temptation can come at any time and we can never underestimate how hard resisting that temptation can be.

We'll still keep on doing what we're doing... not allowing the kids to be alone with kids of the opposite... keeping an eye on texting and chat histories, and certainly standing firm on the idea that they do not have a need for condoms or birth control. Hopefully, we'll be able to help navigate them through this.

 

[Mike]

I had also thought along the same lines that Air Dancer shared... that perhaps he's carrying it more for show.. to alleviate some of the peer pressure... than an actual intention of using it, just in case.

But, your "bathing suit at the beach" illustration is spot on... the fact that it's there will only increase the chances of the "situation" arising.

I think we serve our kids well when they know we aren't going to compromise on this. Everyone else in their lives are calling out to them to compromise... if mom and dad are standing strong... that gives them something to lean on.

I tend to believe it is for show. Or maybe not even for show, but just to make himself feel "normal" as a kid who went to a Christian school through 8th grade and has been in public school for the past 2 years. I want him to know where we stand and, more importantly, where God stands. Neither of these reasons are acceptable before God, but I believe He knows the battle Joshua faces in his peer-world. While I get that every teenager wants to feel like a part of their peers, and buying this to be more a part of his peer group doesn't mean he's compromised his intention to be pure, it does add to the "bathing suit" risk, and it does make him more of the world.

I believe it's Providential that I was Led to buy a family devotional book by Joe White called "Fuel: 10-minute devotions to ignite the faith of parents & teens". I've felt for a while that I have not been the spiritual leader of our household that I am Called to be. Sadly, we've gotten out of the habit of injecting God into our busy every-day lives. Nevertheless, on most nights, we do have dinner as a family, so I bought this book to have a devotion during and/or after dinner.

The very first devotion was on "purity"; why it's always been important to God and why we are to be as pure as we possibly can be decision by decision. I saw timeliness of this message, and so did Joshua. What a blessing! But, spiritual warfare will be something we need to be aware of. No letting up!

 

[thisnumbersdisconnected]

TND, thank you too for that encouragement. Your son is a person with remarkable character. To have that conviction at such a young age is to have been an inspiration to his peers. What a Light to his world he was... and is.

I'm curious about how other Christian parents see the role of condoms for their single children. Do others see it as a recipe for an unplanned pregnancy to say basically, "You will not carry one, because you will not put yourself in that position, and you will not have premarital sex."? Should they take precautions in the event they get carried away? By advocating this safety net, are you accepting that risky behavior/sin will happen, or is it just being practical in 2012? I think I've made my position clear.

Hey, Mike, (by the way, Mike, I'm Mike, too ) thanks for that compliment to my son. My daughter also has the same convictions and now that they're in their 20s, I think there is less pressure, but to run the race to the end still will not be easy.

I teach a class at church designed to help parents talk to their kids about drugs, alcohol, tobacco, and sex. The things we all think will never tempt our kids and the things that wind up being a shocking surprise to many of us when they actually get involved with them.

The best advice I believe I give is to never think it is too early to talk to them about these things, and to never make it a lecture or a set-aside time for a lengthy discussion. Far more effective is looking for the teachable moments and taking advantage of them. Whether it's one of their peers failing and becoming the most recent scandal everyone is yakking about, or an opportunity to talk about delicate situations that we might see on TV, in a movie or even read about in a book. Lift those opportunities out of television news stories or off the Internet and just ask simple question:

"What do you think of that?"
"What do suppose got someone into that situation?"
"Have you ever thought about what you would do in that situation?"
​

Those are conversation starters that don't have to last very long but still get the point across. The better prepared they are, the more likely they'll come up with the right response when confronted with these issues. I'm firmly convinced parents should start these efforts when the kids are as young as five or six years old. Those are just 30-second vignettes, like seeing someone smoking at the store or all these "fun" commercials involving beer. Just a quick, hit-and-run lesson from those will last a lifetime, if they are repeated as the opportunities arise.

It isn't too late for your boys, either, Mike. Just take the opportunities as they come, reinforce the message, pray and make sure they have the spiritual grounding they need. God bless, and I'm still praying.

 

[Mike]

Mike, if you don't mind me referring to you as "Mike", that will be easier than thisnumbersdisconnected every time.

That is great advice. I've always said that, while it's a wonderful experience, GOOD parenting has got to be the hardest job a person can have. It can be frustrating, exhausting, saddening, painful, and confusing. At the same time, it's the greatest Gift in this world God gives us.

Our 14 and 11 year olds are girls, and I really worry about them folding to peer pressure. Joshua has always been more of a leader, able to make his own decisions amidst it. Claire and Bethany hang on acceptance by their classmates much more. All these situations seemed so much easier to forecast years ago. In my vision, I would have all the answers. I'd be a cool dad who also had my kids' attention and respect. Yeah, right!

I need to write books about parenting, because I have such brilliant theories and thoughts on it. I just wouldn't want any of my readers to spend time in my house to witness how it really goes down. ;)

 

[Nikki]

The thought of my daughters having sex terrifies me. BUT then I have to take a step back and look at myself when I was a teen. My parents raised me in a Christian home, I was taught to wait till marriage, etc. I had all intentions of saving myself, but unfortunately, I wasn't strong enough to say "No" and I gave into temptation.

When my mom found out, she immediately took me to get put on birth control. She said that she didn't do it to give me permission to have sex, but that she knew that the possibility of it happening again was too great and she wanted to make sure that I didn't get in an even worse situation. I'm so thankful that she did that.

It was hard enough 20 years ago when I was a teen and I know it's even harder these days. All we can do as parents is pray that our children wait. We can drill it into their heads till we are black and blue in the face, but that doesn't mean they will listen. We also can't be with them 24/7....nor should we. I'm learning this myself and it is soooooo hard!

I would bet that only a small percentage of members here actually waited until marriage. You have done your job by letting him know right from wrong and there's not much more you can do unfortunately. And if he chooses to have sex before marriage, it does NOT mean you are a bad parent or a failure. I've felt like a failure many times but then I'm reminded that I did the right thing by teaching them right from wrong.

 

[Mike]

Nikki,

There are a lot of Christian parents who agree with the overall premise of your message, but I see more value in holding the line and reducing (not eliminating) the likelihood of premarital sex. There are a lot of tough decisions that come our way as parents, especially teens. If we didn't love 'em and care so much, they wouldn't be so tough.

 

[Nikki]

Nikki,

There are a lot of Christian parents who agree with the overall premise of your message, but I see more value in holding the line and reducing (not eliminating) the likelihood of premarital sex. There are a lot of tough decisions that come our way as parents, especially teens. If we didn't love 'em and care so much, they wouldn't be so tough.

It's not an easy job and I'm going to do everything in my power to keep my girls from having premarital sex, but I also know that realistically I won't always be there 24/7 to monitor them. Eventually they will be driving, having a job, etc. They can easily take a "detour" home from work. They can easily skip school. There is so many things they can do and I'll have no way of stopping them.

My biggest fear is one of my daughters asking me if I waited till marriage. I can't lie to them. I figured I would just tell them that unfortunately, no, I let my emotions take over and that I have always regretted it.

 

[reba]

I know what i would have been doing if i had THE pill...

 

[Mike]

It's not an easy job and I'm going to do everything in my power to keep my girls from having premarital sex, but I also know that realistically I won't always be there 24/7 to monitor them. Eventually they will be driving, having a job, etc. They can easily take a "detour" home from work. They can easily skip school. There is so many things they can do and I'll have no way of stopping them.

I'm not bagging on you, because as I've said, we have hard decisions to make. I just refuse to lower the bar like that. I emphasize God's edict and try to give them THAT as the gold standard. If we did accept that it will happen when they're not around us, why not give the nod to hard drugs? Or give them a set of car keys while you go out for the day and tell them it's not the best decision to go on a joy ride? Please take this as a whimsical exaggeration. But my point stands. I'm not going to sacrifice the God Given plan because we're in an age when our kids aren't around us as much.

My biggest fear is one of my daughters asking me if I waited till marriage. I can't lie to them. I figured I would just tell them that unfortunately, no, I let my emotions take over and that I have always regretted it.

I've rehearsed this already: *ehem* This isn't about me. It's about you. I'm not going to make this about me, but I will tell you my father would have kicked my stupid hoohah all over town and hung me from our roof top if I did that. NOW, BACK TO YOU!...

They don't need to know that I did what I did that forced my dad to do that. I am not the least inclined to be transparent with them. I know what I did with great shame as my parents were absent of God's order for us. At 45, I have insight that I didn't have at their age, and I see why God's Way is the best way to avoid getting VD, knocked-up, in drug rehab, OD'ing on drugs.

Personally, I would feel guilty as all get-out if something very unfortunate and life altering occurred, and I hadn't demanded the only thing that is 100% fool proof - God's Way - NO sex before marriage. This is me & my two cents.