Advice about a crush

[georgiean]

Hi, I would like a Christian perspective; Is this a sin??!?

I find it difficult to figure what I am going through and if you could tell me from your perspective, it would be a lot of help.

Since three years back I started to like a guy, in fact a family friend's son. I had all these high expectations of him that he is nice, sweet blah blah. I know this sounds really girly, but I pretty much had a secret crush on him for a year. Next year, I got to know him more(not personally) but by talking once in a while, observing how he reacts and we shared classes together. I never really talked to him much except some occassional times..but that year I realised that he is arrogant, thinks he is the best, over confident.. pretty much the opposite to what I thought he was. I guess I was dissapointed but the way I acted was by "hating" him but underneath I knew that whenever I heard his name, I would just want to whinge about how different he is ..and all his negatives. I thought if I did that, I could try and forget him. So, one year went like that.
Then I finished schooling and went to college and I didnt think about him much... until 10 months later where I started to miss him and become all inferior..bascially this was my thought "I am not good enough for him but why do I still like him, even though i hate arrogant-overconfident behaviour from guys, I started accepting his behaviour and empathised..its like I started to fall for him again." But my main thoughts was that I wasn't good enough for him and all I wanted to do was to prove him that I am good enough so he can like me/I can continue liking him. Why do I want to prove him(indirectly)? Is this behaviour and thinking wrong? Honestly, I only see him once in 6 months now when I go home, but when I go home, I feel all nervous and feel like I want to prove something to him. What is wrong with me? How can I break this cycle? Can you give your analysis on this please?

Like when I was writing now, I was just wondering that all of the above sound soo childish and if one of my friends acted this way, I would just say "get over that guy!" But it is easier said than done. By the way, the guy doesn't know I like him and I dont want him to; but in a way I want him to realise that I am good enough for him but at the same time I know you can't force someone to like you.

Thank you,

G

 

[Navigator]

Hey G,

Interesting circumstance you got here. As a male myself, and in college, I can say that those types of guys are not the ones to be associated with. If he's acting according to his personality, I feel like a lot of "bad" behavior could result. One thing I've noticed (to my dismay ) is that some girls like the bad boys. There isn't a particular kind of girl that likes them, but I think every girl has at least one stage when they have "a thing" for a bad boy. Maybe that's what you're going through...?

Not looking at his personality at all, you have a flaw in the way you act around him. I think most guys (and most girls) will tell you that if you want someone to like you TRULY...just be yourself. People can tell when you're putting on an act, so you're not doing yourself or the other person any favors by doing that. Crushes are hard to handle because you feel like you want to be with the person so bad; I will say I've had a few in my day, and the time that I figure that person isn't the best for me is the time I feel most relieved. Just try to think of reasons why he WOULD OR WOULD NOT be a good guy to date...a pros cons list could set things in order for you and make logic make the decision...

 

[handy]

What is wrong with me? How can I break this cycle? Can you give your analysis on this please?

Like when I was writing now, I was just wondering that all of the above sound soo childish and if one of my friends acted this way, I would just say "get over that guy!"

Yep, this sounds pretty childish. Sorry, but I have a 14 year old that doesn't get caught up in this kind of drama... ;)

Is it a sin?

No!

But it does speak of immaturity and a need to start growing up.

Perhaps you suffer from a very low self esteem and don't feel ready to take on the challenges of leaving childhood behind and becoming a fully mature adult. This might be why you're holding onto a somewhat silly childhood crush.

The best way to break the cycle is to get on with your life and stop looking backwards. You're in college now... this is a time of life to make new beginnings, struggle with ideas you've never been exposed to... to find out who you are and become the best you, you can be. Explore your interests, see what kind of ministry God is calling you into. Make new friends. Grow spiritually as well as intellectually.

Get out of your own head for a while and take a look around the great big world.

If it sounds as if I'm speaking from experience, I am... believe me, I am. Just don't make the same mistake I did and go from a socially awkward teenager with low self-esteem and fall right into a cult.

One thing I won't say is to "forget about him".... You wont, he is your first crush and that's a special person in your life. Don't forget about him, just don't obsess about him any longer. Move on and outward.

 

[DarkHorseRising]

It's difficult without knowing you, but here's three possibilities that I've found are common to women who are interested in "bad boys":

1. The woman has a fear of a serious commitment. While men are often stereotyped as commitment-shy, women can feel this way too. However, it's less socially acceptable for them. So they date bad boys, knowing that sooner or later (usually sooner) he will do something hurtful to them that will justify them breaking up. She then gets to walk away and tell herself that it's not her fault it ended, he was a jerk.

2. Other women want to rebel and be bad themselves. Again, a double standard exists in society; women are expected to be "pretty, polite, and proper", whereas men tend to get excused for being rebels. So women date bad boys because they can be good, but still be bad through him.

3. Some women just like the challenge of trying to rehabilitate a bad boy into a good guy.

 

[georgiean]

It's difficult without knowing you, but here's three possibilities that I've found are common to women who are interested in "bad boys":

1. The woman has a fear of a serious commitment. While men are often stereotyped as commitment-shy, women can feel this way too. However, it's less socially acceptable for them. So they date bad boys, knowing that sooner or later (usually sooner) he will do something hurtful to them that will justify them breaking up. She then gets to walk away and tell herself that it's not her fault it ended, he was a jerk.

2. Other women want to rebel and be bad themselves. Again, a double standard exists in society; women are expected to be "pretty, polite, and proper", whereas men tend to get excused for being rebels. So women date bad boys because they can be good, but still be bad through him.

3. Some women just like the challenge of trying to rehabilitate a bad boy into a good guy.

Thanks a lot for all your replies, I will read through it again =)
I agree with number 3 a lot! I have even acknowledged that. Is it bad though? Like, Is it might duty to change a bad boy into a good guy?

Thanks

 

[DarkHorseRising]

Thanks a lot for all your replies, I will read through it again =)
I agree with number 3 a lot! I have even acknowledged that. Is it bad though? Like, Is it might duty to change a bad boy into a good guy?

Thanks

If you do change him, you'll lose interest. How much time do you spend playing with a completed sudoku or crossword puzzle?

If, more likely, you can't change him, you'll simply nag until he resents you. There really is no winning situation here.

 

[handy]

Like, Is it might duty to change a bad boy into a good guy?

No, it isn't and yes, it's bad to try.

Only God can change a bad person into a good person and the Bible tells us we have no promise that this change will ever happen. We should never become emotionally involved with anyone based upon a foundation of "I'll change him."

As for DarkHorseRising's astute observation: If you do change him, you'll lose interest.

I've seen it happen many times... women who marry obviously flawed men, nag them into correcting the flaw whatever it might be (alcoholism, drug addiction, etc.) and then leave them when they do, often for another man with a serious flaw.

DHR is right, there is no winning situation here.

 

[God's_gift]

i once heared that "women loves project ":....i guess i'm not a woman yet

 

[evesforeva]

You seem kinda insecure. Not more insecure than average, but still average is low. Get very very busy doing things that will boost your self-confidence. Second best way to get over a guy.