Agnostic possibly adopting a Christian, looking for advice

[professor lidenbrock]

Hello everyone,
I am a former Catholic, currently an agnostic and my husband, while a Theist, is secular with no set religious beliefs. We are looking into adopting an older child from the U.S. foster system. The foster system has a catelog of children available for adoption with descriptions of them. A lot of these kids are Christian and are active with their church; Bible study, choir, church youth groups.
If we do adopt a Christian child, I will support them in their faith; help them choose a church, go to mass with them, etc. What I need to figure out though is what to do if our new child questions me about my faith. Although I will fully support them and whatever they chose as far as worship goes, I am unwilling to lie to them and pretend to be Christian myself if they ask me point blank if I am a believer, if they ask why I don't pray, etc.
Parents have great influence over their children. When my child is grown, if they want to know why I no longer believe, I will tell them. However, while they are still a child and easily influenced, I want to avoid influencing them with my lack of belief and undermine their faith. I want them to follow their own path. So my question is what to do if they ask me? I cannot lie and say I'm a Christian when I'm not, but I don't know how to tell them I'm not a believer without opening up a huge can of worms that will lead to all sorts of questions about WHY I don't believe, which could either undermine their own faith or make them feel upset or offended.
Does anyone have any advice on how it would be best to respond to questions that a religious child may have for me on why I'm not? I would greatly appreciate any help.

 

[Tina]

Why would you want to adopt a religious Christian kid knowing the potential dilemma you'll have to face ?

 

[professor lidenbrock]

Hi Tina,
I guess I don't really understand your question. Isn't facing dilemas just part of being a parent? I'm not dead set on adopting a religious child, but I'm not going to exclude the possibility of a child just because we have different beliefs. My parents raised us as strict Catholics, but my little sister never believed, not even when she was a small child. She was always agnostic. I stopped believing soon after I reached adulthood, and my foster sister, taken in at age 16, was not religious. Although the occasional conflicts did arise, it didn't make us any less of a happy family. Although my parents I think did push their beliefs too hard on my little sister after it became clear she had no interest in Christianity. I'm not saying they were bad parents or anything, but my sister resented them for not respecting their religious differences and trying to force her into a religious mindset, though when she got older they finally learned to respect her decision. That is what I want to avoid with my own kids. I don't want them to feel like I pushed them into thinking like me.
I spent a summer volunteering for an orphanage in Mexico, and I also have done volunteer work stateside with at risk kids and foster kids. Kids without families...all they want in the world is a family who will take them in, who will love them, who will give them an opportunity to make something of their lives. They are just so desperate to be loved. I couldn't in good concience deny that to a child based on nothing more than conflicting beliefs might make things a little more difficult for me.
Adopting older children more often than not comes with difficulties, as I learned from my parent's taking in my foster sister, and the work I've done with older kids. A lot of them have psychological or medical issues that need to be dealt with. And even with the most well adjusted kid in the world, dilemas wil arise, kids will have difficult questions, and things will be difficult to explain to them. If the biggest dilema I ever face is that religious matters will be a bit tricky to discuss, I will consider myself a very lucky woman indeed!

 

[Hitch]

Hello everyone,
I am a former Catholic, currently an agnostic and my husband, while a Theist, is secular with no set religious beliefs. We are looking into adopting an older child from the U.S. foster system. The foster system has a catelog of children available for adoption with descriptions of them. A lot of these kids are Christian and are active with their church; Bible study, choir, church youth groups.
If we do adopt a Christian child, I will support them in their faith; help them choose a church, go to mass with them, etc. What I need to figure out though is what to do if our new child questions me about my faith. Although I will fully support them and whatever they chose as far as worship goes, I am unwilling to lie to them and pretend to be Christian myself if they ask me point blank if I am a believer, if they ask why I don't pray, etc.
Parents have great influence over their children. When my child is grown, if they want to know why I no longer believe, I will tell them. However, while they are still a child and easily influenced, I want to avoid influencing them with my lack of belief and undermine their faith. I want them to follow their own path. So my question is what to do if they ask me? I cannot lie and say I'm a Christian when I'm not, but I don't know how to tell them I'm not a believer without opening up a huge can of worms that will lead to all sorts of questions about WHY I don't believe, which could either undermine their own faith or make them feel upset or offended.
Does anyone have any advice on how it would be best to respond to questions that a religious child may have for me on why I'm not? I would greatly appreciate any help.

The above looks like a good start.

 

[Tina]

If we do adopt a Christian child, I will support them in their faith; help them choose a church, go to mass with them, etc. What I need to figure out though is what to do if our new child questions me about my faith.

It's great that you are willing to do these things for your adopted child, but these are serious stuff concerning salvation and not mere hobbies that we're talking about that one could simply adopt or abandon.

A Christian child will probably depend on God for answers to prayers and solution to life's problems, but are you able to help her achieve that if she wants to pray with you or study the Bible with you, if not, I'm sorry to say that the child could end up frustrated, discouraged and even feeling cheated or confused. Worst yet, they could find themselves straying and losing faith in God which is detrimental to their salvation.

I would really be concerned about a Christian kid being adopted by an unbeliever unless of course it is God's will that the unbelieving parent be saved through the child eventually, in which case, God will surely bring the adoptive child to you and things will work out just fine.

 

[Bonairos]

"I stopped believing soon after I reached adulthood. . . "

Amazing. The inventory we take when the reality of becoming/being a parent hits home.

Further amazing is how one soul, brought into our lives, of which we have the privilege of nourishing and preparing for the future can cause us to question ourselves and affect our decision making process.

That's to say nothing of the responsibility and accountability that will be/is now bestowed upon us.


Back to one of your questions (hypothetical of course). "If we do adopt a Christian child, I will support them in their faith; help them choose a church, go to mass with them, etc. What I need to figure out though is what to do if our new child questions me about my faith."

Why not be honest with your (Christian) child?

You once believed. Things/circumstances cause you to stop. But the fact that you are sitting next to your child in a church, etc. just might open the door for God to once again reveal Himself to you; that you, like him/her can (once again) believe.



Be blessed, Stay blessed, and be Bold!

 

[handy]

I'm a mom to two children, both were over 3 when adopted and both were adopted out of the foster care system.

I'm all for people adopting children...even if not Christian. Yes, it would be wonderful if all Christian children had Christian parents, but much more importantly it's best if children have parents...real parents who are there for them.

It cannot be emphasized enough how damaging it is to a child to be in foster care. My kids are now 12 and 14...and still deal with the damage sustained due to being pulled from their birth homes and being put in foster care. Believe me...my brothers and sisters in the Lord here...it's vitally important that they be put into loving homes...even if it isn't a Christian home. Telling a homeless child that they are better off being without any home unless it's a Christian home is just...let's just say misguided. Trust me on this one!!!!

Professor Lindenbrock, since you will honor your children's faith and allow them to continue going to church, Sunday School and Bible class...I say go for it!!!!!

As for what to say when they ask about your own faith...and they will!!!...I agree with Bonairos...tell them the truth, that you once believed. And, be open to the fact that this might perhaps draw you back into faith once more. I was raised in a non-Christian home by two people who were raised in the faith. It was my own walk with God that drew them back...just saying! ;)

I would suggest this: Try to see to it that your child can have an older Christian mentor or god parent...someone who they can turn to with questions about their faith and how to work out issues in life...perhaps your own parents can fulfill this role for your child, if the child is Catholic...or if not, talk to their current pastor/Sunday school teacher and see who can fill this role.

 

[childeye]

=professor lidenbrock;614959]Does anyone have any advice on how it would be best to respond to questions that a religious child may have for me on why I'm not? I would greatly appreciate any help.

I had originally posted on this thread that I felt it would be useful for you to know what you are not believing in so that you can answer why you don't believe, but that was deleted for not being on topic and considered apologetics.

This is a Christian forum and I would simply say that to believe in Jesus is to believe in The Eternal Spirit of Love as displayed at the cross of the Christ. If the child is a Christian, I don't see how you can explain why you would not believe in such a Love.

To be honest, you must feel Love since you obviously have empathy. Therefore you must also believe that serving such love will have a lasting affect for the good of the child. So I don't see how you can honestly tell the child you don't believe.

 

[Christ_empowered]

I'd personally say that you aleady have a good plan in place, just like Hitch said. Even if you don't "get" God personally, I'm sure you've seen people whose lives are held together by faith in God. I'm glad to see that you respect that.

I don't know how old your kid will be, or what questions will pop up, but my personal advice is that, if they were to ask you about your beliefs, just tell them you keep an open mind and support their beliefs. Like you said, you're more than willing to go to services with them and support their beliefs, so I don't see your own conflicts as being detrimental to your kid. You sound perfectly respectful and supportive.

I will say--as a Christian--that I think God is trying to get to you. Take it or leave it, your call, but that's my hunch.

 

[professor lidenbrock]

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful responses.

I will say that I agree with what some have posted here, that is, ideally a religious child would be placed in the home of parents who share the same religion. However, unfortunately, there is just such a huge demand for adoptive families for older kids that this isn't always an option. For older kids, the chances of them being adopted at all are very, very slim. Something like 20% of never adopted foster kids are in jail within two years of aging out of the foster care system, another 20% are homeless, and only about 4% of them get a college education. If I knew there was an option between myself and a Christian family, that would be one thing, but when the chance is most likely between my family or no one, then that's a different story. Another issue is that, unfortunately, so many people use the foster care system to essentially get slave labor from the kids they take in. Before she came to live with our family, my foster sister was shuttled around from home to home from years, and in every single one, she was nothing but a servant; given not a bit of love or affection, just made to do all the chores, berated and emotionally abused, while her foster "parents" cashed the checks they received for fostering her.

After thinking about responses here, I think the best choice is in fact to just be honest, explain that I am open minded and that what is important is that I support them in their beliefs.

Lastly, just as sort of clarification, I suppose agnosticism isn't really the best word to describe me. I really am an 'ietsist,' which is a little known term in America but more widely known in Europe, and essentially means "a something-ist." That is to say, I do believe in a creative force higher than myself, I just don't have any particular belief as to what that force is like, what it's attributes are, what it's opinions are (or if it has any), or what, if any role it plays in my day to day life. So I believe in a god like entity, just not the Judeo Christian God.

Thanks again for your advice, it is much appreciated.

 

[Chris]

Everybody has and is going to have a different truth. Your truth and your child's truths are going to possibly be different and truths change as we age.

At 5 years old it is undoubtedly true the tooth fairy came when the tooth fell out.
These perceptions change with age and maturity.

Our religious views do to. they are rejected or become deeper.

Your adopted child will choose a truth of his or her own and they will adopt your examples but I think your truths and faith may or may not pas on.

If it were the case it did i would be an Atheist that fully rejects the Bible the word of God as an authoritative god breathed document and would reject the notion of Christians as friends.

at the age of 13 I rejected my parents truths as not my own. The same will go for your child.

Let them choose their truths. The best you can do is give them balanced choices and a happy stable home with kind loving parents.

 

[221B]

I would be totally honest with your child. If they ask you about your beliefs, tell them truthfully what you think. Considering they are already christian and will be involved in church, being honest with them will only give them another view and way of looking at religion.

 

[Patrick68]

=professor lidenbrock;614959]Hello everyone,
I am a former Catholic, currently an agnostic and my husband, while a Theist, is secular with no set religious beliefs.

I and I suspect others could provide a great more guidence if we were able to understand just why it is you left the Catholic Church?

Former Archbishop of New York; Fulton Sheen Teaches the following; which is the KEY to assisting you IMO..."Truth remains the [SINGULAR] truth even if no one beliefs it. AND a lie remains a lie even if everyone believes it... There is, IMO profound Wisdom and understanding in this statement.

I do hope you will respond as I am anxious to be of assistance; God willing. As a FYI; I was raised as a Orphan and not placed into a permnant Foster home until I entered HS. So I VERY MUCH appreciate what you and your husband are endeavoring to do. THANK YOU!

We are looking into adopting an older child from the U.S. foster system. The foster system has a catelog of children available for adoption with descriptions of them. A lot of these kids are Christian and are active with their church; Bible study, choir, church youth groups.

If we do adopt a Christian child, I will support them in their faith; help them choose a church, go to mass with them, etc. What I need to figure out though is what to do if our new child questions me about my faith. Although I will fully support them and whatever they chose as far as worship goes, I am unwilling to lie to them and pretend to be Christian myself if they ask me point blank if I am a believer, if they ask why I don't pray, etc.

As you seem to well understand this is a issue of CRITICAL importance. I suggest one of the following.

1. Specify a non-christan child [many flexible options here]
2. Specify a non-Catholic Christian child [still many options here] Even this is a "iffy" proposition for you.
3. Do NOT accept a Catholic Child at this state of your own uncertainties.

As you are dealing with "an older child" your ability to find and give love will in great part be dependant on how your [both of you] viewed from an honesty and persoanl intregity standpoint byn the adopted.

Parents have great influence over their children. When my child is grown, if they want to know why I no longer believe, I will tell them. However, while they are still a child and easily influenced, I want to avoid influencing them with my lack of belief and undermine their faith. I want them to follow their own path.

This position is akin to not having a position. And you are so RIGHT that what you ARE is and WILL BE as important to your relationship as what you say. Very likely even more so.

So my question is what to do if they ask me? I cannot lie and say I'm a Christian when I'm not, but I don't know how to tell them I'm not a believer without opening up a huge can of worms that will lead to all sorts of questions about WHY I don't believe, which could either undermine their own faith or make them feel upset or offended.

I am deeply touhed by your concerns. And they are WELL FOUNED. The advice I gave at the top of this message i, it would seem the most PRUDENT way to proceed.

Does anyone have any advice on how it would be best to respond to questions that a religious child may have for me on why I'm not? I would greatly appreciate any help.

What your seeking here verges on a miracle of sorts. Young people, like adults find it extremely difficult [I'm a dad aND GRANDPA TOO] TO SEPERATE ONES WORDS OF ADVICE FROM ONES OWN ACTIONS AND LIFE CHOICES. This is IMO, seeking trouble. Not a good idea.

Edited out section that violates the ToS you agreed to which prohibits discussion of volatile RCC topics. I left you a PM on this topic which you never responded to. I've also left messages in other threads where you forced the issue. I suggest you respond to my PM. This is getting old.

God Bless oyu and I wish you wll,

Patrick68