am i supposed to be with this girl?

[guitarguy93]

hey guys, so I have a big question here and its sort of complex. I had been dating this girl for 2 and a half years, I have broken up with her many times cause I just wasn't into it. she is honestly the nicest girl I have ever met. she is too good for me and I know it. I was going through a big bout with depression and had been depressed every time we have dated. its been on and off for the 2 1/2 years. this last time I broke up with her I felt I made the right decision. I wasn't feeling happy and I asked God to tell me what to do. I had 3 dreams she cheated on me after that, idk why I did. she is defiantly not the girl to cheat, she adores me to the highest level. my family tells me all the time I should marry her. so about after 3 weeks of being b broken up and not talking the boston bombings happened, she lives in boston for college, I was obviously worried. so I txtd and called her. she was ok, but I had really been missing her since I broke up with her again (stupid me) I told her that and she said she didn't know. shes obviously been hurt a lot by me. then she tells me she had made out and done other things with some guy she met, they tried to have sex but they couldn't cause of something. that crushed me. I haven't done anything with anyone else since I met her and neither had she till now. but I still want her back. we spent the weekend together a week later and had a great time. then she tells me I was coming on to strong and wants time to think. she doesn't know if she wants me in her life anymore. do you guys think that if God wanted me to marry her and be with her I still will be? even though I feel like I said no and threw it away? if that was his plan would he let me live with the decision I made? I really feel I am supposed to marry her now. help me

 

[Eugene]

Hi Guitarguy and welcome to CF.net. I do hope you find an answer to your question, and that it truly God's will for you.
Blessings in Christ Jesus.

 

[Matthew G]

Yeah, this is definitely complex. Just out of curiosity, how old are you? I'm going to guess about 15, and that this girl was your "first". If I'm wrong, please correct me.

The reason I venture that guess is because I've been in those shoes. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, sent it back.

Now, this part is just my opinion, but I'm not a believer in "meant to be". There are 6 billion people on the planet. Mathematically speaking, there will always be someone out there who's better for you than the person you're currently with. Again, that's just my opinion, but I would encourage you to get "meant to be" out of your mind. If nothing else, it puts unnecessary pressure on you to make the "right decision" in this situation. On the bright side, though, I really don't think this is as complicated as it seems to you.

Having said that, I think this is just a case of wanting what's not best for you, or what you can't have. From your own mouth, you've broken it off many times because you "just weren't into it". "Just not into it" is definitely not marriage material.

In all honesty, I think what's happening here is you're lonely. You said you've done things sexually together, can I assume she's your first (and better be the only until you get married!)? If that's the case, that really explains a lot. I feel like you're a young guy who's used to having a girl (and all the "perks" that come with that), and that it's not really her you're missing. It's just having a girl. Plus, apparently your feelings got stronger after she told you she tried to have sex with someone else, and now you want to marry her.

You know how, when you were a kid, you're mom told you that you couldn't have a cookie? When she said that, what was the one thing you wanted most in the entire world?

Exactly. You wanted that cookie.

I don't mean to be harsh, but I think that's what's going on here. My advice - leave her alone. Focus on God. Yeah, that's kind of a cliche', but that doesn't make it any less true or any less valuable. Before you can take care of a woman - which is basically your job in a relationship, especially in marriage - you have to take care of yourself. You have to have your priorities straight. Basically, leave her alone, and focus on studying God's Word and becoming the man He wants you to be. Once that falls into place - and it will not happen overnight, then you can focus on other areas.

For what it's worth, that's my two cents. Hope it helps.

 

[guitarguy93]

im 19 almost 20, she was my first for having sex, but not my first love. and I had done other sexual things with other girls before her. and like I said I really started to miss her before I know she tried to have sex with him. the reasons I was just not into it was honestly my own fault. I will take full blame for what ive done wrong. we fought over small things that I made a big deal out of that just wasn't so, I was not a good boyfriend but she was a great girlfriend. I also know the difference between missing having someone and missing a certain someone, she is my best friend, and like I said, when id break up with her its because I struggled with a lot of depression, I felt bad dragging her through it with me, she didn't deserve it cause she is a great person and as I said, she is far too good for me. so It wasn't always cause I wasn't feeling it. I felt guilty.

 

[guitarguy93]

also, I didn't have my first girlfriend till I was almost 16, and I didn't nor do I now really have any friends. so being alone is not really something that scares me as im pretty use to it. parents are divorced, and I rarely see either of them. so im pretty use to being alone

 

[guitarguy93]

nobody else?

 

[Eugene]

I will just chip in with a thought here. Having started and stopped the relationship several times, the distrust, and with the uncertainty of a sustained future, do you really believe marriage is something you should seek with this girl; you don't even refer to her as a woman. This sounds more like what is known as puppy love, and is very common of some that have participated in drugs; their mindset remaining in the past and they don't experience real growth patterns for making such decisions.

If you believe marriage would solve anything, try adding a child or more to the equation, dealing with providing a roof over their head, and attempting to satisfy the needs of a wife you've little chance of doing many times because life is changing big time for them also. You think things are in derision at this time? Man, you don't know the half of it.

I suggest you take more interesting your guitar; it seems to have a prominent place in your life. I said this with much tongue-in-cheek, but there is truth included.

 

[guitarguy93]

puppy love, that's funny. also, I have never taken drugs before, ever, so I guess your just flat out wrong. im not saying marriage would solve anything I was saying she is the one I ant to marry, also, how do I not refer to her as a woman?

 

[guitarguy93]

because im asking am I supposed to be with this "girl" she is a girl, im a guy. you don't have to call somebody a woman to be considered mature. or call myself a man? its just a word. im seems you seem to think im the A-typical incognent prepubescent teen who does nothing but smoke weed and slander 'WOMEN' but you would be wrong.

 

[Eugene]

how do I not refer to her as a woman?

Read your first post; you refer to her as a girl and then one of changing desires. I might add how many times does it take for God to say no before you take it as His will? And then you do know what tongue-in-cheek means don't you? I was addressing your question "Nobody else?" in a humorous manner. God loves you at all times and will lead many times by opening doors; you might consider waiting on His direction for you.

 

[Matthew G]

Well you set me straight about a thing or two, which I appreciate. That being said, you mentioned a couple posts ago...

the reasons I was just not into it was honestly my own fault. I will take full blame for what ive done wrong. we fought over small things that I made a big deal out of that just wasn't so, I was not a good boyfriend but she was a great girlfriend.

But you never said why you weren't into it. That's a big piece of the equation, but it's missing.

With a little more info, now that I know a couple things I didn't know, I can form a different view of the situation.

 

[Eugene]

you seem to think im the A-typical incognent prepubescent teen who does nothing but smoke weed and slander 'WOMEN' but you would be wrong.

You didn't leave enough information describing you, and anything I said was just typical of some that run into these problems. I might ask how you think of yourself?

 

[Matthew G]

how do I not refer to her as a woman?

Read your first post; you refer to her as a girl and then one of changing desires. I might add how many times does it take for God to say no before you take it as His will? And then you do know what tongue-in-cheek means don't you? I was addressing your question "Nobody else?" in a humorous manner. God loves you at all times and will lead many times by opening doors; you might consider waiting on His direction for you.

Eugene posted as I was composing my own, but I agree. When I read his post, I realized that - even though only the two of us have responded - we have both told you the same thing, and have advised turning to God.

I'm no prophet, but maybe that should be a hint.

What I can tell you for certain is this. God will tap our shoulders to get our attention. But if we make Him, He has no qualms whatsoever about smacking us in the head with a brick if He has to.

In all seriousness, this situation feels to me like a shoulder-tap. And if I'm right, you definitely don't want Him grabbing a brick.

 

[guitarguy93]

so what is he tapping me on the shoulder saying?

 

[Matthew G]

I realized that - even though only the two of us have responded - we have both told you the same thing, and have advised turning to God. I'm no prophet, but maybe that should be a hint.

I think He's saying, "Leave her alone and get over here with Me. We'll deal with that other stuff later."

 

[craigdressler]

It sounds as if the main focus of your life is girlfriends. Perhaps, if your priorities were switched to God first including Bible reading, Christian media, etc. the rest would fall into place. The main way I would suggest you choose a person to marry is to get in your prayer closet and listen and listen and listen to what the Holy Spirit is saying. Follow peace. If the decision brings peace, then it is the correct one.

 

[Brother Mike]

It sounds as if the main focus of your life is girlfriends. Perhaps, if your priorities were switched to God first including Bible reading, Christian media, etc. the rest would fall into place. The main way I would suggest you choose a person to marry is to get in your prayer closet and listen and listen and listen to what the Holy Spirit is saying. Follow peace. If the decision brings peace, then it is the correct one.

Yes, after reading this (As if you sleeping with her is OK, but she can't sleep with someone else) just sounds like crazy talk. Without marriage you put her and you in the cross hairs of Satan who has access for disobedience to the Word. If you were just dating her and being a Godly man, not wanting to put her in danger but honoring Her and God, yet she went to fool around I would dump her like a bag of bricks. This here is just a mess, and you need to get right with God and break this thing off, following the Lord and becoming a strong man of God as you were designed to do.

Why would God have you marry someone you can't even obey God now with or Honor her or God? You need to get your prioritizes straightened out first before dating again. Hope that your up to par before asking God to put a Godly women in your life that you will honor and cherish, and one that stands by your side.

Mike.

 

[bhayes]

You feel like you want to marry her because you guys had a great thing and now its over and you want it back. Maybe you feel dismissed or betrayed that now she is having something great with someone else.
Ive felt sort of the same thing and I also thought that God wanted me to marry her but its just my own heart and head telling me that I want the great thing that we had back. Which is actually kind of selfish because you don't own anybody. God gives and takes I guess.
I don't think you should and I definitely don't think God wants you to marry her because if so it would be very clear and obvious, not based on your heart or feelings.
This might not want to be what you want to hear, maybe you posted hoping for confirmation. Im not a psychologist or anything but I've been where you are man and God has better plans for you.

 

[Raymond]

from what I've read it seems asif you have the "meant to be state of mind" but correct me if I'm wrong.

anywho I would say that you should just concentrate on your Christian walk with God, if you and her are meant to be then it will always come back and there will always be something there.

 

[Eugene]

[MENTION=96799]Raymond[/MENTION]

Welcome Raymond to CF.net. It's good to have you join us in fellowship and may you be blessed here in the name of Jesus.