Anxiety in a Marriage—Help Please!

[Ghoti011]

I guess I'll first say "Hi" as this is my first post (and a long one too!)

My wife and I have been married for about 2.5 years now and we've run into a bit of a rocky patch. About a year into our marriage it was confirmed by a counselor that she struggles with general anxiety disorder that manifests itself in doubts about our relationship. At times she'd have doubts and fears about whether or not she loves me, or if she ever found another guy attractive at all she'd feel intense guilt and compare those feelings with the ones she has for me. Her counseling helped a lot and it's been much better for quite some time now.

Recently, it seems like she's struggling a lot with these same issues again. I can always tell when they're bothering her because she hides inside herself and turns into a completely different person. She's normally a very bubbly, happy person. A few days ago she came home and felt like she needed to confess to me that she found this other guy at work attractive and that it was bugging her all day. We discussed it and she felt a bit better but I'm still struggling.

Maybe I'm being really selfish but I don't know how to support her in this. I know that these thoughts are her anxiety and that they're blown out of proportion—and she knows this too. But for my brain to have to process her thoughs about doubting her love for me, or some attraction to another guy, or whether or not she finds me attractive when she tells them to me is tearing me apart. I'm afraid that I'm starting to put up defenses and becoming cold and uncaring.... What should I do!? :help

 

[handy]

I can see where this would tear you up a bit...but you do have to keep firmly in mind that this is her anxiety disorder acting up.

My husband also has some anxiety issues that can be hard for me to deal with as well. Sometimes it's difficult in our marriage to have conflicts, because if I get angry or upset (normal enough feelings during conflicts) he immediately jumps to the idea that I'm going to divorce him, take the kids away and turn them against him, that he'll never see any of us anymore, and die a lonely old man with nobody who loves him so why not just go out and commit suicide... and I'm sitting there like..."Honey, I'm just mad that you left the toilet seat up and I fell in." It really is hard for spouses of people with anxiety disorders and your wife's particular manifestation is naturally extremely rough.

One thing my husband and I have found helpful is to not allow the anxiety to become the "elephant in the room"...confront things head on about being an issue regarding the anxiety and not divorce (for us) or her unfaithfulness (for you). This is something that perhaps you, she and her counselor can sit down and work out...a cognitive/behavioral approaches for her to follow through so that she can pinpoint the anxiety instead of dumping on you her thoughts about another guy.

About that...you and I both know that all married people have "thoughts" about others now and then. For most of us, it's just that, thoughts that need to be taken captive so that we don't dwell on them and wander into temptations. The problem for someone with anxiety disorders is that whole "taking thoughts captive" process. But, then again, one of the most effective forms of therapy for anxiety disorders is CBT (cognitive/behavior therapy) and what is CBT but...taking thoughts captive and forcing them into reality and real behavior instead of running off into the wilds of negative fantasy.

I think a return visit to her therapist is in order and a serious discussion as to how she can manage her anxiety without tearing you up with revelations about thoughts of other guys. She'll need to share with you that she's experiencing anxiety...but some perimeters should be put into place as to what and how she'll share...and all of this needs to be in the arena of dealing with the anxiety...not with adulterous thoughts.

Meanwhile, I know you know this, but keep reminding yourself over and over that this is just a manifestation of her illness...it's not about you. It's wholly understandable that this would tear you up...but it truly isn't a reflection on you being a bad husband, an undesirable mate or someone who just isn't measuring up.

 

[NinaMMitchell]

Oh my gosh. I can't believe this is happening to your wife because the same EXACT thing used to happen to me with what was then my boyfriend. Now, he's my husband. I also have had serious anxiety problems, and I had no idea why I would start doubting my love for him. But it was the worst feeling in the world. I would obsess over it day and night, and I even broke up with him a few times because of it. But these breakups never lasted for more than a day or two. He usually could tell when I was having these problems too because it's kind of obvious. It made me so anxious I couldn't even eat. But the last time it happened, we were on the verge of breaking up once and for all, and a miracle happened. I'm not joking, it was a miracle. The Lord literally spoke to my husband and told him what to tell me to snap me out of it. He showed him parts of our future together to show me that we are meant for each other. My bf spoke in tongues, which had never happened before or since. And since that day, I have had zero problems. We've been happily married for over a year. Counseling may be helpful for your wife, but put your faith in God. Trust me, His guidance saved our relationship.

 

[Matthew77ask]

Well, the good thing that came out of all these is that she "confess" it, and are seeking help.
imagine - if she did not and then suddenly one day ran off with someone else!

Having said that - I think you may want to talk to the cousellor to see what You can do to help her - what sort of things you can do or say to reassure her all the time....

maybe to send her a sweet sms everyday at noon or something like that...

my 2 cents worth

 

[Adullam]

I guess I'll first say "Hi" as this is my first post (and a long one too!)

My wife and I have been married for about 2.5 years now and we've run into a bit of a rocky patch. About a year into our marriage it was confirmed by a counselor that she struggles with general anxiety disorder that manifests itself in doubts about our relationship. At times she'd have doubts and fears about whether or not she loves me, or if she ever found another guy attractive at all she'd feel intense guilt and compare those feelings with the ones she has for me. Her counseling helped a lot and it's been much better for quite some time now.

Recently, it seems like she's struggling a lot with these same issues again. I can always tell when they're bothering her because she hides inside herself and turns into a completely different person. She's normally a very bubbly, happy person. A few days ago she came home and felt like she needed to confess to me that she found this other guy at work attractive and that it was bugging her all day. We discussed it and she felt a bit better but I'm still struggling.

Maybe I'm being really selfish but I don't know how to support her in this. I know that these thoughts are her anxiety and that they're blown out of proportion—and she knows this too. But for my brain to have to process her thoughs about doubting her love for me, or some attraction to another guy, or whether or not she finds me attractive when she tells them to me is tearing me apart. I'm afraid that I'm starting to put up defenses and becoming cold and uncaring.... What should I do!? :help

How old are you both? (If I may ask?)

 

[tim-from-pa]

I guess I'll first say "Hi" as this is my first post (and a long one too!)

My wife and I have been married for about 2.5 years now and we've run into a bit of a rocky patch. About a year into our marriage it was confirmed by a counselor that she struggles with general anxiety disorder that manifests itself in doubts about our relationship. At times she'd have doubts and fears about whether or not she loves me, or if she ever found another guy attractive at all she'd feel intense guilt and compare those feelings with the ones she has for me. Her counseling helped a lot and it's been much better for quite some time now.

Recently, it seems like she's struggling a lot with these same issues again. I can always tell when they're bothering her because she hides inside herself and turns into a completely different person. She's normally a very bubbly, happy person. A few days ago she came home and felt like she needed to confess to me that she found this other guy at work attractive and that it was bugging her all day. We discussed it and she felt a bit better but I'm still struggling.

Maybe I'm being really selfish but I don't know how to support her in this. I know that these thoughts are her anxiety and that they're blown out of proportion—and she knows this too. But for my brain to have to process her thoughs about doubting her love for me, or some attraction to another guy, or whether or not she finds me attractive when she tells them to me is tearing me apart. I'm afraid that I'm starting to put up defenses and becoming cold and uncaring.... What should I do!? :help

What your wife is experiencing is absolutely normal for a person with anxiety disorder. Her "doubts" are really a projection of her insecurity about you (based on her fears) and when she's "not sure" it's because she's secretly afraid you'll leave her. Even flirtatious behavior can be a "medicine" to ease her pain.

To cope with such a person can be harrowing, but from your end you have to try to understand about anxiety disorder. Try to remember a time in your life when you had a constant state of uneasiness about something and perhaps even affected your performance, sleep and appetite. Then try to imagine a person who feels that way all the time whether they know why or not, and then you can appreciate the torture she has to go thru.

As usual, I always recommend taking care of one's physical self, proper eating (I'm a big fan of high protein, saturated fat stuff, meat, eggs, butter, vegetables etc like Atkins diets), and also lots of vitamins and minerals. A person with anxiety disorder for sure needs a strong vitamin B complex, and I'm not talking about an establishment "do-nothing" vitamin like Centrum with 100% of the RDA. I'm talking several to many times the RDA as stress burns them up fast. If she's sick a lot, that will only prove my point that she's probably nutritionally deficient as well ---- excessive exercise and drugs along with stress also depletes the body of nutrients.

One other thing --- if she is not inclined to overdo the alcohol, then give her good, hearty beer once a day. It has B-vitamins also, and the alcohol helps ease anxiety, but only if she would not get hooked on it.

 

[LaCrum]

In response that your wife feels to feeling attracted to other guys, what really helped me with this dilemma was first off, understanding that just because you are married/in a relationship, you can't just turn off the biology of you body. You will be physically attracted to people outside of your relationship, you don't have any control over it. BUT, the appropriate response is, of course, not to act on it in any way. It's best to just acknowledge to yourself that you find that person attractive, then move on. No need to dwell on it or think deeply into it aka "What if I married the wrong persona and this person's my soul mater?!?!" And being attracted to someone else doesn't mean you love your husband or wife any less, it just means that you're human and our bodies are wired to respond in certain ways to certain situations.

 

[Abbiedobis]

God can heal her. Have you tried praying together that The Lord takes this away? Try praying every night together and reading the bibke constantly. I have anxiety too and it's hard to control. But God has almost taken it all away.
Abbie

 

[farouk]

[MENTION=96478]Abbiedobis[/MENTION] : Yes, prayer is a vital resource for the believer, isn't it? and, when it comes to anxiety, I think verses such as John 14.1 and John 14.27 are very precious.

Blessings.