Christ_empowered
Member
- Oct 23, 2010
- 14,246
- 10,726
My online classes start May 12th. Yes! I'm working on a useful degree, online. I have all my books, I have my software, I have...
...jitters. Seriously. I'm 29, soon to be 30. When I was 23, I tried to go back to school (I'd dropped out at 19). I was burned out to the max and had a below 100 IQ. Why my parents let me go back there, I'll never know (why they financed that misadventure is also beyond me...)
Anyway, it ended in a nervous breakdown and all sorts of other terrible, horrible things that have only recently resolved.
God decided to show me lots of mercy and grace. IQ isn't everything, but mine has shot up, which is amazing. I started @ 120, which is "bright," apparently, and now its in the 130s, which is "gifted" or (my personal favorite) "brilliant," depending on the scale. I'm not wearing a t-shirt w/ my shrink's IQ estimate for me written on it or anything, lol, but...I was picked on mercilessly when I was poor, brain damaged, prematurely aged, and crazy. I would say "mentally ill," but..no...I had some kind of brain damage+stress problem that involved agitation and psychosis. Imagine: maybe a 95 IQ, plus cognitive impairment, plus tics from ect+antipsychotics, plus premature aging, plus very little money (only that given me by my parents and what little work I could find...), plus a couple years of dream-less sleep, plus memory loss. Seriously: for almost 3 years there, when I slept, there were no dreams. Just 6-8 hours of rest in a kind of unconscious void. My memories were gone, my personality was destroyed, and I didn't even know about that first round of ECT until a brain scan...which was given before the 2nd round :-(
Back to the school stuff...
I'm understandably nervous. I'm working through it, praying through it, talking to my older, wiser Pentecostal friend about it, so on and so forth, but still...nervous. But nervous isn't always a bad thing, not even always a bad feeling. I'm actually capable of handling college-level instruction now and then doing a job with what I learn, so this is a really good, important time in my new life. I'm trying to channel the nervous energy into being productive. I've been on Blackboard, the online learning tool, reading every syllabus and course outline. I've already skimmed the books, and now I'm going to spend the weekend reading them and preparing for my first day with Liberty Online.
I'm not freaking out or anything, its just...This is Really Happening. I really was a 95 IQ (on a good day) burn out, ECT-victim, unrepentant wretch (to my credit, I couldn't comprehend a whole lot...), and now I'm a Born Again Christian, whom God has seen fit to bless with...the desires of my heart.
For years, I thought I'd get better. Seriously. For whatever reason, after I came to repentance, Jesus made a lot of my dreams/wishes/needs a reality. I say "for whatever reason" because--and this only recently dawned on me--He was under no obligation to do anything. And yet...
...we serve the God of yet another chance (thanks, Teen Challenge). This latest opportunity--a real degree in a useful field, at my own pace, from the comfort of my room--is "yet another chance." I refuse to waste it.
...jitters. Seriously. I'm 29, soon to be 30. When I was 23, I tried to go back to school (I'd dropped out at 19). I was burned out to the max and had a below 100 IQ. Why my parents let me go back there, I'll never know (why they financed that misadventure is also beyond me...)
Anyway, it ended in a nervous breakdown and all sorts of other terrible, horrible things that have only recently resolved.
God decided to show me lots of mercy and grace. IQ isn't everything, but mine has shot up, which is amazing. I started @ 120, which is "bright," apparently, and now its in the 130s, which is "gifted" or (my personal favorite) "brilliant," depending on the scale. I'm not wearing a t-shirt w/ my shrink's IQ estimate for me written on it or anything, lol, but...I was picked on mercilessly when I was poor, brain damaged, prematurely aged, and crazy. I would say "mentally ill," but..no...I had some kind of brain damage+stress problem that involved agitation and psychosis. Imagine: maybe a 95 IQ, plus cognitive impairment, plus tics from ect+antipsychotics, plus premature aging, plus very little money (only that given me by my parents and what little work I could find...), plus a couple years of dream-less sleep, plus memory loss. Seriously: for almost 3 years there, when I slept, there were no dreams. Just 6-8 hours of rest in a kind of unconscious void. My memories were gone, my personality was destroyed, and I didn't even know about that first round of ECT until a brain scan...which was given before the 2nd round :-(
Back to the school stuff...
I'm understandably nervous. I'm working through it, praying through it, talking to my older, wiser Pentecostal friend about it, so on and so forth, but still...nervous. But nervous isn't always a bad thing, not even always a bad feeling. I'm actually capable of handling college-level instruction now and then doing a job with what I learn, so this is a really good, important time in my new life. I'm trying to channel the nervous energy into being productive. I've been on Blackboard, the online learning tool, reading every syllabus and course outline. I've already skimmed the books, and now I'm going to spend the weekend reading them and preparing for my first day with Liberty Online.
I'm not freaking out or anything, its just...This is Really Happening. I really was a 95 IQ (on a good day) burn out, ECT-victim, unrepentant wretch (to my credit, I couldn't comprehend a whole lot...), and now I'm a Born Again Christian, whom God has seen fit to bless with...the desires of my heart.
For years, I thought I'd get better. Seriously. For whatever reason, after I came to repentance, Jesus made a lot of my dreams/wishes/needs a reality. I say "for whatever reason" because--and this only recently dawned on me--He was under no obligation to do anything. And yet...
...we serve the God of yet another chance (thanks, Teen Challenge). This latest opportunity--a real degree in a useful field, at my own pace, from the comfort of my room--is "yet another chance." I refuse to waste it.
