I see a lot of that in the church. What I mean is there are many who get fixate on what others are doing wrong and are quick to condem, or give bad advise. I believe the Elders should be above this, and when it comes to family matters, it's not a black and white matter of who's right and who's wrong, but rather it's a mission on how to help that family stay together, and grow toward Christ.
That may be idealistic. I've seen more than a few believers on their ways to divorce where one of the parties has already long departed through infidelity or other problems that were long in the making between them both that might not include infidelity, and are, as you correctly observe, both parties faults. Could be any vast amounts of reasons that an elder will never know, nor may they even want to know.
I've seen one of the parties, trying to "stand" on Gods Promises to keep them together, work the elders for help to make the other party behave and return, etc etc. It seldom works out. There were perhaps too many accumulated turning points already in play in the relationship that got them to that point in the first place. It's a sad thing to witness.
There are other things that can cause harm to family relationships such as the death of a family member, which grief can make lasting scars of various sorts in all the family members. A void is made, guilt, remorse, second guessing, the futility of life. All of these most of us go through even with deaths of people we know. But within a family these are even more difficult to get through. The reality is you never really do get through it. It is a scar that only time can heal, but a scar nevertheless. Some draw closer and some move away from each other from the mutually experienced pains, which pain, by nature, we seek to avoid and maybe not even realizing it.
Add to the list financial problems, a huge one. Health issues. On and on it goes.
An elder can NOT control everything that happens in the congregants lives. It's not even remotely possible.
I've seen long time believing married friends, where one of them was lying in bed, dying a long slow death by cancer, and the other was shopping for a replacement before the spouse was gone. It's just sad to watch such suffering that both parties go through, especially when you know what the shopper is up to and you're comforting the one lying in bed dying, trying to hold on to their lives with everything they can muster. To even speak what is going on to the dying, I could not do. I simply can not relate to such things but I've stood in those shoes. It causes me to fear that I would land in the same space if the shoe was on my foot.
that is what my mind tells me to expect anyway. I'm looking for biblical support and if it's not supported, then I need to shape my thoughts to be in line with Gods word.
Thanks
Don't know what it is that you are looking for. I've had opportunity to be an elder, more than once, and thumbed it down, in part because of the above. Just not interested in the pain.
There is always a question with any congregation. IS God in Christ with them all? Then prove it, individually and collectively. My personal experiences with congregations is that they are filled with all kinds of issues, a lot of which make me personally sick to my stomach. They couldn't love one another if their lives depended on it.
So, IF loving one another is at the top of the elders personal list, they'd probably be a good elder. Love is the glue that binds, and the only thing that counts. Gal. 5:6. This can be a hard place to find, when seated in a position of authority.
I had to leave off some old holiness friends who were sincere deeply motivated for Christ believers, as they progressively hardened over their leading believing lives in perpetual adverse judgments, to the point where nobody could please them for any reasons. This too is sad to observe. But I've seen it countless times. Some scraggly old authority who's ready to damn to hell everyone and anyone for not bowing down to "their vision." These make me the sickest to my stomach. I cut them off from my life.
In retrospect, having believed for most of my adult life, I can say today why all this happens from a scriptural perspective. But to observe the reality of it from a scriptural perspective won't change why it all happens or stop it from happening.
The obligation and pleasure of faith eventually falls to the individual to "walk in." No one else can live another person's life of faith in Christ. That's believer reality, 101.
Can't tell you how many times I've seen a trainwreck coming, warned, advised why it's happening and what's going to happen, and it often just speeds up the train. It's very frustrating. But my wife and I are always available to help pick up the pieces and help clean up the mess, whether we're in a seat of authority or not. Our obligations haven't changed.
The "rule" is so simple. But it's a hard place to find.
John 15:12
This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.