Blake
Member
I have believed in Jesus since I was a little boy, and I've been to several churches growing up. I was never really active in my faith until I was a teenager, and it was short-lived, as my character was weak and I craved validation and esteem, and I got into drugs and drinking. From there I convinced myself that I was an atheist for a good 5 years or so, until the Holy Spirit saw fit to draw me and revive me again, and here I stand in the richest and most active spiritual days of my life, for what it's worth.
That isn't to say that I am holy or righteous, I am not. I know how Paul felt when he cried "oh wretched man that I am", I know what it's like to curse this body of death, and know what I need to do and abstain from it, and know what I shouldn't do and run towards it. I am a fool, and my sin is ever before me. My character, gradually, partially, has been restored, as I've learned a great deal about forgiveness and humility, but in other regards I am a man of weak character. I get angry and my mouth gets foul. My tongue contains all the fires of hell. I have wandering eyes. I find myself praying for mercy often because of how weak-willed I am in these regards. It seems so hard to break these things.
My greatest desire spiritually is to minister for God. Many people have told me that I would do so, from the time I was a little boy, and I was preaching to my Mom in a diaper. We lived in a good neighborhood back then and I'd get dressed up, comb my hair over and walk to church by myself on Sundays. I used to sit and stare and cast my thoughts upon God while staring at Grandma's picture of Moses and the Ten Commandments. I'd ride my bike to the old caboose we had in the town I grew up in, back behind there was a little natural rock cave formation, I learned to love silence and solitude there. I was a strange kid to most people I'm sure, they even tested me for autism because of my distant nature and lack of interest in socialization, but I believe the Lord was at work preparing me to be ye set apart. My God, how I wish I would have kept true to the path I was on as a kid.
During the years of my exodus from faith, my dark night of the soul, I heaped horrible stains upon my character. I set many an evil thing before my eyes. Gore and snuff films. Pornography. I grew obsessed with the occult, and spiritual experiences from drugs. Evil music. Not just worldly music, seriously evil music. I have had to reap the seeds I've sewn to this day, old lyrics popping into my mind, or old images, or old imaginations. It's difficult to deal with. I hold the thoughts captive to Christ and reject them, but the will of the mind is a fickle thing, just as Jeremiah says the desires of the heart are.
It is such a slow and gradual change when in the Potter's hands. Sometimes I pray tearfully to be afflicted in such a way that my transformation would be rapid and sincere. I feel that, until my character is further developed, I can't proclaim the Gospel while I am yet so unrefined in certain areas of my life. I don't want to be an unprofitable or slothful servant, but I am trapped in the sort of thinking that I need to have arrived at a certain place in my character before I can go beyond doing simple good works and preach for the Lord. Perhaps that's the wrong way of thinking. Maybe I need to go forth and proclaim the Gospel and let people know undoubtedly that God uses crooked sticks to draw straight lines. After all, Noah entered into the new world drunk and naked, he fell short, but Noah wasn't chosen because of who he was, but because of who God is, God who doesn't call the equipped but equips the called.
I humbly request my brothers and sisters here to discuss the issue of character with me.
That isn't to say that I am holy or righteous, I am not. I know how Paul felt when he cried "oh wretched man that I am", I know what it's like to curse this body of death, and know what I need to do and abstain from it, and know what I shouldn't do and run towards it. I am a fool, and my sin is ever before me. My character, gradually, partially, has been restored, as I've learned a great deal about forgiveness and humility, but in other regards I am a man of weak character. I get angry and my mouth gets foul. My tongue contains all the fires of hell. I have wandering eyes. I find myself praying for mercy often because of how weak-willed I am in these regards. It seems so hard to break these things.
My greatest desire spiritually is to minister for God. Many people have told me that I would do so, from the time I was a little boy, and I was preaching to my Mom in a diaper. We lived in a good neighborhood back then and I'd get dressed up, comb my hair over and walk to church by myself on Sundays. I used to sit and stare and cast my thoughts upon God while staring at Grandma's picture of Moses and the Ten Commandments. I'd ride my bike to the old caboose we had in the town I grew up in, back behind there was a little natural rock cave formation, I learned to love silence and solitude there. I was a strange kid to most people I'm sure, they even tested me for autism because of my distant nature and lack of interest in socialization, but I believe the Lord was at work preparing me to be ye set apart. My God, how I wish I would have kept true to the path I was on as a kid.
During the years of my exodus from faith, my dark night of the soul, I heaped horrible stains upon my character. I set many an evil thing before my eyes. Gore and snuff films. Pornography. I grew obsessed with the occult, and spiritual experiences from drugs. Evil music. Not just worldly music, seriously evil music. I have had to reap the seeds I've sewn to this day, old lyrics popping into my mind, or old images, or old imaginations. It's difficult to deal with. I hold the thoughts captive to Christ and reject them, but the will of the mind is a fickle thing, just as Jeremiah says the desires of the heart are.
It is such a slow and gradual change when in the Potter's hands. Sometimes I pray tearfully to be afflicted in such a way that my transformation would be rapid and sincere. I feel that, until my character is further developed, I can't proclaim the Gospel while I am yet so unrefined in certain areas of my life. I don't want to be an unprofitable or slothful servant, but I am trapped in the sort of thinking that I need to have arrived at a certain place in my character before I can go beyond doing simple good works and preach for the Lord. Perhaps that's the wrong way of thinking. Maybe I need to go forth and proclaim the Gospel and let people know undoubtedly that God uses crooked sticks to draw straight lines. After all, Noah entered into the new world drunk and naked, he fell short, but Noah wasn't chosen because of who he was, but because of who God is, God who doesn't call the equipped but equips the called.
I humbly request my brothers and sisters here to discuss the issue of character with me.
