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Desire for a girlfriend, am I following Christ? Should I let go?

F

fisscher

Member
Hey everyone,

I've been struggling with the question in the title for a while now. I am male and 22 years old. I have almost no experience with girls what so ever. There have been a few girls that I liked. I had a "relationship" with a girl for a few months, but it was an ldr and it ended when we got back together, so we never got to kiss. So I've never kissed a girl and am terribly inexperienced for my age.

I've been growing a lot in faith recently and I am feeling a little more confident each day. But I have a great desire to have a girlfriend, I am really missing someone that I can hug and share my feelings with. I am feeling like I might be getting a little desperate. Shouldn't the love of Christ be enough for me?

Whenever I meet a girl I like, I get feelings for her really quickly and start dreaming and analyzing in the time between I see her. Because of this, I create a lot of tension and the conversations etc. start to go downhill. I think because I am less myself... and I just want to hit myself, but I have a difficult time stopping it.

Anyway, this desire for a companion is very strong and I think even stronger because I haven't had a lot of experience so far. Now, I am thinking of trying to let go completely of finding someone and just accept to stay single. But this feels wrong as well. I should go out and throw myself into new situations to grow, right?

What do you think Christ wants from me? Do I have to let go of my desire completely and when I meet a nice girl just don't act anymore. Or should I keep at it and maybe I'll grow and one day I am ready for "the one".

I am hoping someone can give me some advice. I thank you very much in advance for your help and reading my post.
 
fisscher said:
Hey everyone,

I've been struggling with the question in the title for a while now. I am male and 22 years old. I have almost no experience with girls what so ever. There have been a few girls that I liked. I had a "relationship" with a girl for a few months, but it was an ldr and it ended when we got back together, so we never got to kiss. So I've never kissed a girl and am terribly inexperienced for my age.

I've been growing a lot in faith recently and I am feeling a little more confident each day. But I have a great desire to have a girlfriend, I am really missing someone that I can hug and share my feelings with. I am feeling like I might be getting a little desperate. Shouldn't the love of Christ be enough for me?

Whenever I meet a girl I like, I get feelings for her really quickly and start dreaming and analyzing in the time between I see her. Because of this, I create a lot of tension and the conversations etc. start to go downhill. I think because I am less myself... and I just want to hit myself, but I have a difficult time stopping it.

Anyway, this desire for a companion is very strong and I think even stronger because I haven't had a lot of experience so far. Now, I am thinking of trying to let go completely of finding someone and just accept to stay single. But this feels wrong as well. I should go out and throw myself into new situations to grow, right?

What do you think Christ wants from me? Do I have to let go of my desire completely and when I meet a nice girl just don't act anymore. Or should I keep at it and maybe I'll grow and one day I am ready for "the one".

I am hoping someone can give me some advice. I thank you very much in advance for your help and reading my post.
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hi fisccher, the key there is be zealous for His holyness first . I can say that I felt the same way 2 months ago, but by God's grace he is changing my heart. please check this thread
http://www.christianforums.net/showthread.php?t=41321 , i posted it 2 months ago and i got their God inspired advices i hope it will help you too..


i like to quote this from Tim...coz it had blessed me so much


Blazin Bones said:
I've been leading my congregation through the book Knowing God. One of the last chapters we studied through was a chapter about God's Jealousy. It mentions that one kind of Jealousy is the Jealous expressed through the marraige covenant in that when another person imposes on the marraige, the spouse's natural, and completely moral, reaction is to be jealous for their spouse to keep their vows and resist the affronts of the one imposes difficulty, even to the point of personally seeking ways to keep the spouse safe through actively stoping the imposing issue.

Here is how I think this can help you, gift. God is that kind of Jealous for you. He does not want to you to forsake the vows of love and commitment to him. It may be that in his passionate, jealous, love for you, that he is holding back the relationship he has planned for you until you will be best equipped to honor him with it. I think you and I would agree that we want your relationship to be one that loves God more than it loves anything else.

Here's a beautiful thing you can do while you wait though. Work on living your life as jealous for God's holiness as he is for your's. I think that you will enjoy the freedom such a commitment will offer, and I also believe that you will be surprised how quickly God adds a relationship to your life the more you focus on his holiness rather than your loneliness.
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Hey!

Thank you. Your post/thread does help me. I know... I should focus more on God and seeking him before anything else. But it is so difficult. My thoughts/mind keep wandering off away from Christ and to earthly matters/problems, day to day things.

I'll try to shift my mind towards him the best I can and pray and read his word more and try to let go.
 
fisscher said:
Hey!

Thank you. Your post/thread does help me. I know... I should focus more on God and seeking him before anything else. But it is so difficult. My thoughts/mind keep wandering off away from Christ and to earthly matters/problems, day to day things.

I'll try to shift my mind towards him the best I can and pray and read his word more and try to let go.
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How can He bless us if we don't turn to him right? So, yes that's right turn to Him , like what Tim had said, maybe God is jealous of us singles you know. He want us to turn to him and He will bless the desires of our hearts that is according to His will. Be active in the kingdom of God where you can meet believers who have the same aspirations you do. Don't be discourage. There's allot of Christians here too that you can fellowship with. Just feel at home and feel free to message the fellow Christians here.
 
Hey bud. How's it going? I have a situation very similar to yours, so I thought I would at least offer my brief relationship history to let you know that what you're feeling is not strange in the slightest.

I'm currently 21 (as of March). My relationship history was completely non-existent for the first 20 years of my life. I never kissed a girl either. I liked girls throughout this time, but because of my quietness and social awkwardness sometimes...nothing really came about. Then last September, I took a chance and took the steps to try and date a girl who I was friends with in high school, who is going to the same college as me. It ended up working out and we have been dating for 7+ months now.

But I know what you mean by a want to have a companion. For the longest time, I was okay with being single, but last summer, something switched inside and I just felt a need for companionship. I've been able to grow in my faith this year along with newly being in the dating scene.

Like others have said, have faith and let God lead you where to go. I felt led to date my current gf, who has had bad previous relationships and needs guidance in her own faith. You're not alone, and your feelings are understandable ;) I hope everything works out! Take Care!
 
fisscher, you will not find a companion until you cry to the Lord to give you a companion that He likes not that what you like, because He loves you and doesn't allow someone whom He doesn't like to come into your life to destroy His plans for you.

It was not God's intent to make Hannah barran. However, He did it purposefully until she made her mind to give Samuel for God's work:

(1Sam 1:27-28) "For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition which I asked of Him. Therefore I also have lent him to the LORD; as long as he lives he shall be lent to the LORD."

If Hannah wasn't barran and she had her child much earlier, she would have not lent Samuel to the Lord. But God has different plans. He purposefully made Hannah barran only to make her "ready" to accept "God's plan for her" to conceive one of the greatest prophets in OT times, the last Judge and the king maker of Israel.
 
felix said:
fisscher, you will not find a companion until you cry to the Lord to give you a companion that He likes not that what you like, because He loves you and doesn't allow someone whom He doesn't like to come into your life to destroy His plans for you.

It was not God's intent to make Hannah barran. However, He did it purposefully until she made her mind to give Samuel for God's work:

(1Sam 1:27-28) "For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition which I asked of Him. Therefore I also have lent him to the LORD; as long as he lives he shall be lent to the LORD."

If Hannah wasn't barran and she had her child much earlier, she would have not lent Samuel to the Lord. But God has different plans. He purposefully made Hannah barran only to make her "ready" to accept "God's plan for her" to conceive one of the greatest prophets in OT times, the last Judge and the king maker of Israel.
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crying, yeah. Already did this, just that i'm not sure if i'm crying for the right person.....hays..the blues of singles, God too is in the process of changing my heart...
 
Thank you everyone for your replies. They help me a lot.

I've been feeling a lot better now. I focus much more on the Lord and am much more at peace with how things are. I am now able to say that I don't want a girlfriend unless it has the blessing of the Lord and really mean it.

Sometimes I fall back a bit into my old habits and mindset. But I hope and pray that by God's grace I'll be able to grow in faith each day. That one day I can completely let go of all worldly desires and take everything that comes my way.

Thanks again everyone. And more replies will always be very much appreciated.
 
Let's be real as well, though. Sometimes we can cry out to the Lord and our desires still not be met. Paul so wanted the thorn of his flesh to be removed he mentioned it to a wayward Corinthian church to prove that even the Apostles suffered. God allowed put this into the Bible so that we can know somethings are just his way of teaching us in this life.

Felix is right on about the fact that we need to put our plans before the Lord and let him decide how he will act. However, we may get to where we are completely broken before God and we're still going to have to realize His palns may be different.

BTW, gift thanks for the repost. Ultimate sign of message board respect :)
 
No worries, I feel your pain my friend. I'm 20 and I have never had a real and true relationship at all. I'm comfortable around woman and all, I am just awful at taking something to that next level. I was lucky enough, during high school, (and it is only luck now that I look back upon it, as then I'd have said I was cursed) to be unattractive enough that I had to actively pursue and try dang hard in order to get the attention of girls. After high school I decided I'd give up on women until I was able to get to a Christian college, where I wouldn't have the added burden of trying to figure out if they are Christian or not. And I told this to the Lord, laid out a little plan on how I'd wait and let myself grow in Him before seeking a companion and how I'd be patient and let it be my test (and at that time I thought it'd be such an easy test!).

Well that was two years ago, and I've changed a good bit. And I swear the lord is testing me because, to my GREAT surprise, I have women/girls openly flirting with me. Goodness, I have no clue what to do, so I just change the subject and think to myself that next year I'll be on a Christian campus and that if I just wait I'll be good to go. There are three girls in particular who are rather aggressive, and I know it is the Lord testing me. One girl, I work with, is flirtatious to the point of being annoying and probably down right sexually harassing, so I try to avoid her, but it isn't always easy. The other two are a bit tamer, and older (more my age then the other girl who is just 17) and I go to school with them.

The point is that I feel your pain, brother. I spent 20 years without ever attracting the attention of the opposite sex, and never dating. All of a sudden they are flirting with me and I cannot do anything but listen because I promised the Lord I'd wait and grow in Him! I want nothing more then to ask one of them out, because they are all kind, gorgeous girls, but I cannot do that! And you know what? It's worth it. I have grown in the Lord and He has opened up things for me that would probably be impossible if I was in a serious relationship, due to time restraints. I've got a job and an internship and I'm looking at a promotion in my job and my department I am interning at wants to hire me on when I turn 21, although I already turned down the offer because I know that my place is at Liberty U for three years, and I know that my place is not in my current state.

The Lord has blessed me for waiting, and I hope that you can come to terms and do the same!
 
Thank you very much for your wisdom.

It's comforting to know that I am not alone having these feelings. Thanks Pard. That you don't ask a girl out because you promised the Lord to wait really amazes me. That must be really though.

It's funny to read my last post. I felt so much better when I wrote that and right now I have been pretty much on the verge of tears for the last three days. I don't know what the Lord is planning to do with me. But it's very hard and though. I am going from happy one day, to sad and lonely the next day. I am getting pretty exhausted by it. Hopefully I can get my head back together pretty soon for a longer period of time. These mood swings are wearing me out.

I have no idea what to do next with my faith. The last few days I read more in my Bible and pray, but to be honest, it's not really helping me. I am not getting a lot out of it. I don't know whether I am doing something wrong or just have to be patient.

Well, anyway. I know this post is not really useful. I just needed to write things down I guess.

Thanks again.
 
fisscher said:
I have no idea what to do next with my faith. The last few days I read more in my Bible and pray, but to be honest, it's not really helping me. I am not getting a lot out of it. I don't know whether I am doing something wrong or just have to be patient.
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Let me tell you, desire for a girlfriend itself is wrong. You had to desire for a prudent wife not a girlfriend. As in Prov 19:14, a prudent wife is from the LORD. Any desire for a woman outside marriage is adultery - even a look for it as per sermon on the mount.
 
I find that we over-think something as simple as a coffee. Ask a girl out. Heh, ask ten girls out! The worst thing that can possibly happen is that your situation right now stays the same.

Obviously you need to be mindful about the person you're going for coffee with, and whether or not you'd like to pursue a relationship afterwards. But you'll work that out, it's just coffee with a friend for starters, that's all.
 
Hi fisscher,

I felt almost the same as you when I was your age. Thirty plus years later I'll tell you what I learned. God has a season for everything. Seek FIRST the Kingdom of God, and ALL these things will be added to your life. We are made to be with a woman. God said that it is not good that man be alone. The problem is, getting hung up on the result, before the process even begins. You either REALLY want what God wants for you or you want what YOU want. That is your choice. I think you KNOW what you should do. Pray and trust God. There is no time limit on trusting God and there is no time limit on prayer.
God Bless
Stan
 
part of our being is desire for company. Probably about 80% of the thinking of any living man is the desire for a partner (wife).

Relax, you are normal. Go find her and be what god intended you to be.
 
I'm a 27 year old female, and I've been single for 7 1/2 years. I've often wondered why God hasn't brought the right person into my life. After a recent incident with a guy, I'm starting to realise that maybe God wants me to strengthen my relationship with Him, so I can give my love to someone in a pure way.

I haven't been focusing on God as much as I should, and maybe until I can give God more of myself, He will bring me someone when he feels I'm ready to give that person the love they deserve.

I believe in everyone's lives, we need to give our number one priority slot to God. If we are more focused on finding a relationship, that slot no longer belongs to God. You could be tested by God right now, to see if you turn to Him for guidance and love, or if you turn to a dating website for guidance and love.

Perhaps your faith can be strengthened through this experience. Maybe God has a plan for you with a future relationship, but maybe you're not ready. God knows us better than ourselves, and He knows what we need the most at any given time in our lives. You may need some maturing before you can offer kind and compassionate love. If love is in your future, God will present it to you when He knows you're ready, and when He knows you and the girl you court can help one another grow in Jesus. God wants us to be happy, and if you dedicate your time to God for a while and maybe stop actively looking for someone, perhaps you'll meet a woman when you least expect it.

You can't find someone if you're not putting yourself out there either, so while you're not actively looking, you should still get involved in a hobby that can bring you around people, or get involved in your church through volunteer work, and bible studies. If you live under a rock, you won't find anyone, so just put yourself out there, but don't try too hard.

I hope God blessed you, and you find what you're looking at some point in your life.
 
Fisscher,

I felt that same desperation for girlfriend/future wife when I was your age. I let that feeling drive me toward pursuing what I wanted and lose sight of what God wanted for me. I ended up getting married for all the wrong reasons to someone who also got married for all the wrong reasons and it ended in divorce. Don't get me wrong because I'm blessed with four children who I wouldn't trade for the world, but be very careful not to lose sight of putting God's will ahead of your own because He know what's best for you better than you do.

God's peace be with you
 
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