My husband and I met at church growing up and were sweethearts right out of HS but drifted apart and 25 yrs later found each other again and have now been married for 10 yrs. A month before the wedding I found porn on his phone. I also found clues in his home we were to share as we were remodeling it but in hindsight now see that I ignored them. I confronted him about the phone, even called off the wedding with him but through lots of tears and promises I forgave and we kept the date and wed as scheduled. Not long into the marriage I found porn on his phone again. This has continued to happen throughout our marriage up until just this past April. We do all the talking, crying, praying… I have threatened to leave, we always end up with him saying he doesn’t need the porn, that it’s over he doesn’t want it. He gives me the phone to keep and eventually life happens and he slowly gets those privileges back and before you know it the cycle repeats. This last time I had completely wiped the phone clean, so I thought. No Google search no internet explorer. Well, he had Instagram and Pinterest apps and there it was. He was following pages and looking at photos of porn and masturbating. This entire situation we have dealt with privately. It has pulled us away from his family as one of the biggest discoveries happened near the holidays about 6 years ago and I nor he could bare to bring ourselves to a family gathering and put on a brave united face in front of them. The years have gone by and of course they blame me, they blame me as the “change” in why we do not attend family functions anymore. Fast forward to today. Last week my husbands mother called to talk to him, asked him to come over. His parents live in the same small town as we do. She has ovarian cancer. We are not only in shock but now are faced with how to move forward in that we have lived with this secret for so long. Allowing them to believe our distance is because of me and I have of course played a role in that by wanting to not only guard our privacy but protect him, their youngest son. I am so confused now how to deal with this crisis. He needs to be with his family, I want to support him and want to be with them as well but am so hurt still by it all. I had just recently been telling him he should tell them. I kinda would go back and forth on the issue, still wanting to protect him and ourselves but so destroyed and hurt not only by my husbands betrayal but by their judgement of me which in reality is only because they do not know the truth and have come to their own conclusions. And now it feels it is too late. I have no idea what we should do moving forward.
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Desperately Need advice
Hi Lynnmarie and welcome to CF.
The hardest part of this is that the trust you both have had in each other has been broken on his part. First I would say that his family, especially his mother, does not need to know about this and even though you do not want to face them you do need to put on a good front when you are around them as I would only assume they love the both of you, and this could tare all of you apart if they knew or on the other hand they may be with you in getting him help. You need to pray and ask God's guidance in that. Have the both of you ever considered Christian counseling? This is an issue with you especially within the bedroom, but more so an issue between your husband and God as far as he being unfaithful to Him and you. This is a serious addiction he has, but he should also know that he is heading down a path to his own destruction.
I divorced my last husband for being unfaithful to me sleeping with other woman as divorce is allowed by God on the account of adulteries. My best advice is to keep praying for him and try and get him to go to counseling. If he refuses and continues in his addiction then you have to make a decision of what you feel you need to do.
The hardest part of this is that the trust you both have had in each other has been broken on his part. First I would say that his family, especially his mother, does not need to know about this and even though you do not want to face them you do need to put on a good front when you are around them as I would only assume they love the both of you, and this could tare all of you apart if they knew or on the other hand they may be with you in getting him help. You need to pray and ask God's guidance in that. Have the both of you ever considered Christian counseling? This is an issue with you especially within the bedroom, but more so an issue between your husband and God as far as he being unfaithful to Him and you. This is a serious addiction he has, but he should also know that he is heading down a path to his own destruction.
I divorced my last husband for being unfaithful to me sleeping with other woman as divorce is allowed by God on the account of adulteries. My best advice is to keep praying for him and try and get him to go to counseling. If he refuses and continues in his addiction then you have to make a decision of what you feel you need to do.
We have not sought out counseling. I admittedly have thought this was a private matter and could be resolved within the privacy of our marriage. Year after year though I now see that I was wrong. I am also trying to understand at what point is this labeled an addiction?? That has been the eye opener for me this last year and a half by trying in seeking out some kind of an answer in that. Right now he has his phone back but only for phone calls/ text (emergency use no internet/ apps or email use) I guess I know that if all those are at his use he will fall into it all again so it isn’t a realistic view of where things are for him. And yes a huge part of me is so afraid it will happen again as it has for the last 10 years….What I am more afraid of though is the relationships that have suffered because of this including that with his family on both our parts. And now his mother has Stage 3 cancer and it should be a time we are all coming together. (BTW we are both in our 50’s just for a little background)
There is no shame in seeking counseling .
Pornography addiction is defined as a person continuing to watch or listen to pornographic content despite negative consequences. The person may be:9
- Watching porn in inappropriate spaces like work
- Keeping it secret from their partner
- Feeling guilty, ashamed, or depressed after viewing
- Having difficulty moderating usage
- Continuing watching despite risks and consequences to career, family, and community
- What Is Behavioral Addiction?
Your husband has to be the one that wants to stop for the addiction to end . The battle is being fought in his mind .
JanessaeVans
Member
In a similar vein, my buddy had some issues with his wife due to his online habits. Here's the thing, relationships are about trust, right? If that's damaged, it can be so hard to rebuild. It's all about communication and setting boundaries. It might be worth considering therapy or counseling, it can help a lot with these kinds of problems. Now, this might sound strange, but have you thought about exploring his interests together?
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Do you want an honest advice from a porn addict?
What are you doing to help your spouse with his problem?
I was not able to do anything about my issues until I involved my wife in my "therapy".
No not counseling of anything weird or unusual.
How about I just list off a few things that have helped. This is not blaming anyone... but rather is what has helped in my situation.
Have you given permission to your spouse to use you for sexual relief?
Have you provided spousal porn to your spouse?
Have you both spelled out what each other wants and does not want and where the lines are? (in explicit detail)
It is difficult to directly speak to another persons situation... and I am being careful not to damage my relationship with oversharing either.
I would be more detailed... but as this is an open forum I do not want to offend.
I have found I don't seek out porn very often... only after I got my wife involved with my dealing with my desires.
Does your husband have permission to randomly grab your body without you giving him "the look of disgust"?
Do you give your husband a good look at your body on a regular basis?
Do you know what he likes to see in regards to your body?
Are you treating him as a sexual person or just as a husband?
Do you know what he wants from you as a sexual partner?
Again this sounds very one sided... but flip the roles and it equally applies.
We are commanded not to lust after others.... but we are to lust after our spouses.
Just read Song of Solomon or some of the Proverbs and you can see that lust/passion/sexual desire is good when directed towards our spouse.
Satan is the one who loves it when we take our natural desire for intimacy and trade it for a cheap thrill.
If you have any other questions beyond this... I don't feel comfortable saying anything more on open forums.
If you or your spouse has any specific questions... I would welcome a PM.
Nothing weird... Just like Alcoholics Anonymous... some things are public and some private.
Best of luck and God bless.
What are you doing to help your spouse with his problem?
I was not able to do anything about my issues until I involved my wife in my "therapy".
No not counseling of anything weird or unusual.
How about I just list off a few things that have helped. This is not blaming anyone... but rather is what has helped in my situation.
Have you given permission to your spouse to use you for sexual relief?
Have you provided spousal porn to your spouse?
Have you both spelled out what each other wants and does not want and where the lines are? (in explicit detail)
It is difficult to directly speak to another persons situation... and I am being careful not to damage my relationship with oversharing either.
I would be more detailed... but as this is an open forum I do not want to offend.
I have found I don't seek out porn very often... only after I got my wife involved with my dealing with my desires.
Does your husband have permission to randomly grab your body without you giving him "the look of disgust"?
Do you give your husband a good look at your body on a regular basis?
Do you know what he likes to see in regards to your body?
Are you treating him as a sexual person or just as a husband?
Do you know what he wants from you as a sexual partner?
Again this sounds very one sided... but flip the roles and it equally applies.
We are commanded not to lust after others.... but we are to lust after our spouses.
Just read Song of Solomon or some of the Proverbs and you can see that lust/passion/sexual desire is good when directed towards our spouse.
Satan is the one who loves it when we take our natural desire for intimacy and trade it for a cheap thrill.
If you have any other questions beyond this... I don't feel comfortable saying anything more on open forums.
If you or your spouse has any specific questions... I would welcome a PM.
Nothing weird... Just like Alcoholics Anonymous... some things are public and some private.
Best of luck and God bless.
Dorothy Mae
Member
Sometimes I wonder if the “soft on sin” preaching in the church has opened the door to flagrant sin. What if it became clear that in deciding to look at a woman in order to stir up sinful responses will result in a believer going to hell? Would a man think twice about that dearly bought pleasure?
Of course if one is a calvinist or believes all future sins are already forgiven, then the door to sin is wide open with no real consequences to speak of.
Of course if one is a calvinist or believes all future sins are already forgiven, then the door to sin is wide open with no real consequences to speak of.
Highway54
Member
I need to be frank on this uncomfortable subject. Most who have porn will fantasize and masterbate while looking at it. Sin or not, it is not committing the serious sin of adultery, therefore no allowance for divorce Scripturally. Jesus stated that whoever looks at a woman, and of course that would include anything for sexual arousal, they would be committing adultery in their heart, but of course that is not the actual committing of the sin. Many consider it a sickness, while most consider it normal. Tell your husband you are hurt by his need to satisfy himself through other means, perhaps it is one of those things that we have to overlook. How is your marriage otherwise, do you think it is worth sacrificing?
Dorothy Mae
Member
I’m very sure if Jesus or Paul or John or anyone filled with the Holy Spirit (really filled, not the de facto “filled” legally assumed) actually met this man, they would tell him that as long as he allows his lusting sinful flesh to dictate his choices, he is going to hell. No one who lives according to the lustful desires of the body, as he is doing, will be accepted. It would be the most loving thing they could do for him. “Accepting Jesus into a heart” in a body burning for sexual pleasure in the most debase forms with countless women (which is what porn is) won’t help. I doubt Jesus wants to live there in any case. Would you?