Divorce?

[Brandon*]

Is divorce ok? I’m married but I feel like it is very toxic and I feel very unworthy and unwanted and I’m not really sure what to do. A friend of mine from church has been telling me that I don’t need to stay in the marriage because it could lead me back into the addiction God lead me out of.

 

[st_worm2]

Hello Brandon*, divorce is ok for a VERY narrow set of Biblical reasons. Separations are ok however (if it comes to that) and they can be helpful at times, especially if coupled with marriage counseling from your pastor (but even a separation should only be considered when other avenues of remedy have been exhausted).

First and foremost, have you told your wife exactly how you feel (how she makes you feel), and if so, have you two been talking about how to change things?

Also, have you let your pastor know about this and gotten his counsel, either with your wife or by yourself? If not, you should do so immediately, hopefully with your wife, if possible, but alone if she doesn't care to join in at the moment (this will also help your pastor know how he can be praying for you both, and for your marriage, as well).

There are also wonderful marriage conferences happening right now, like Cru's "A Weekend to Remember", that you and your wife may want to attend. They really know how to get to the heart of the problems that married couples face and help them fix them, but the conference itself is all that a couple needs sometimes to jumpstart their marriage and begin to get it back on track (and most couples have the time of their life at things like this as they are meant to be filled with joy and fun .. definitely a weekend that neither my wife nor I will ever forget ?).

Praying for you!

God bless you!!

--David
p.s. - are you familiar with what the Bible has to say about marriage to both husbands and wives ? If not, here are a few passages concerning marriage that are certainly worth studying/considering (passages that you should discuss further with your pastor .. Ephesians 5:22-6:4; Colossians 3:18-21; 1 Peter 3:1-9; 1 Corinthians 7).

 

[st_worm2]

Hello again Brandon*, I had noticed earlier that you are a new member here, but I forgot to say welcome to CF so, WELCOME TO CF ? I'm glad that you found us and joined in the discussions with us!

The other thing I forgot to mention is your friend's advice to you (that you mentioned to us in the OP), to leave your marriage over this because he fears that not doing so may lead you back into your addiction). While that sounds like advice from a friend who is concerned about you, do you believe that you'd receive the same advice if it was coming from the Lord Jesus instead of from your friend?

I KNOW how hard it can be, but as Christians, we need to remember that we play by a different set of rules now than we did when we used to be part of this world, which means that we need to trust Him and take Him at His word, even when it "feels" wrong to do so, feels like we should be doing the very opposite of what he's telling us to do.

Again, talk to your pastor about this too.

There is also this advice to consider following (from pastor/theologian Dr. Sinclair Ferguson), advice that I have ALWAYS been glad that I followed, especially when I wasn't sure what was best to do next (advice that I wish that I'd remembered to follow FAR more often than I have), and here it is:

​

God bless you!!

--David

Proverbs 3​

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart,​

And lean not on your own understanding;​

6 In all your ways acknowledge Him,​

And He shall direct your paths.​

 

[miamited]

Hi Brandon*

I think that all you need to know about the matter is that God has said that He hates divorce. Do with that as you will. The choice is whether you want to honor God or do something that you know He hates.

Sure, married life is hard. Spending a lifetime with one person can get to be difficult for many of us. But our promise of lifetime faithfulness wasn't just a promise made to our spouse, if you were married as a believer, it was also a promise that you made to God. My encouragement, work it out. Remember that there are only a few specific acts that mankind commits that God says He hates. Although He hates sin in general, He specifically makes the point to tell those who love Him that He hates divorce.

Divorce causes pain. Especially if you have children. Work it out. In fact, God's instruction even to those who were not believers when they got married is that the believer honor their marriage covenant. Paul tells us that in such a case, let the unbeliever leave. Are you the believer or the unbeliever?

 

[Whatever]

From your picture I assume you are a man. Is your wife a Christian.
Notice, Paul says this is his advice and not necessarily from the Lord.

1 Corinthians 7:12 But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. 13 And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him.

If your wife is not a Christian, you are not to do divorce her, but if she wants to leave, let her leave.

1 Corinthians 7:15 But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace.

If she is a believer, you are stuck. But if she still leaves don't fight it.

I kept quoting verse 15 to a friend who was married to an unbeliever. Actually they were both unbelievers, then he got saved. But he would not tithe or get too into the Church because he was afraid it would upset her.
I showed him:
Mat 10:37 He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me.

It doesn't mention "wife" but I'm sure the same thing applies.
In other words, you are to do what the Lord says, not what pleases your wife. You live like a Christian, and if your wife doesn't like it, let her leave.

I mentioned this to an old lady in my church once and she gasped "Family is the most important thing."
Jesus says it isn't.

Mat 19:29 And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or lands, for My name's sake, shall receive a hundredfold, and inherit eternal life.

But you have to leave them for Jesus sake, not just to make yourself more comfortable.

 

[Brandon*]

Hi Brandon*

I think that all you need to know about the matter is that God has said that He hates divorce. Do with that as you will. The choice is whether you want to honor God or do something that you know He hates.

Sure, married life is hard. Spending a lifetime with one person can get to be difficult for many of us. But our promise of lifetime faithfulness wasn't just a promise made to our spouse, if you were married as a believer, it was also a promise that you made to God. My encouragement, work it out. Remember that there are only a few specific acts that mankind commits that God says He hates. Although He hates sin in general, He specifically makes the point to tell those who love Him that He hates divorce.

Divorce causes pain. Especially if you have children. Work it out. In fact, God's instruction even to those who were not believers when they got married is that the believer honor their marriage covenant. Paul tells us that in such a case, let the unbeliever leave. Are you the believer or the unbeliever?

We are both believers.

 

[Brandon*]

Hello again Brandon*, I had noticed earlier that you are a new member here, but I forgot to say welcome to CF so, WELCOME TO CF ? I'm glad that you found us and joined in the discussions with us!

The other thing I forgot to mention is your friend's advice to you (that you mentioned to us in the OP), to leave your marriage over this because he fears that not doing so may lead you back into your addiction). While that sounds like advice from a friend who is concerned about you, do you believe that you'd receive the same advice if it was coming from the Lord Jesus instead of from your friend?

I KNOW how hard it can be, but as Christians, we need to remember that we play by a different set of rules now than we did when we used to be part of this world, which means that we need to trust Him and take Him at His word, even when it "feels" wrong to do so, feels like we should be doing the very opposite of what he's telling us to do.

Again, talk to your pastor about this too.

There is also this advice to consider following (from pastor/theologian Dr. Sinclair Ferguson), advice that I have ALWAYS been glad that I followed, especially when I wasn't sure what was best to do next (advice that I wish that I'd remembered to follow FAR more often than I have), and here it is:

View attachment 17506​

God bless you!!

--David

Proverbs 3​

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart,​

And lean not on your own understanding;​

6 In all your ways acknowledge Him,​

And He shall direct your paths.​

I don’t agree with my friends advice and I want it to work, it will work in Jesus name. Thank you for your concern brother.

 

[miamited]

We are both believers.

If so, then there shouldn't be any problem working it out. Are you both living as the Scriptures ask married people to live? You mentioned that there was some idea that your wife might drag you back into addiction. Is she an addict? If so, then, as a believer, she should be willing to work on that to save a marriage. It's tough and that's why I said in my first post that marriage isn't always easy. There can be some hard choices that need to be made and we are all sinners so there will likely be occasions where we don't do what we know God asks us to do, but as believers, you're told to give allowance to one another and pray for one another.

 

[miamited]

Hi Brandon*

Have you been to your pastor about the matter? I know that the pastor of a fellowship that I used to attend had resources for such issues. He even had a counseling service that would work with couples for a small fee of $25/session. Now, that's for professional services, but your pastor should be willing to offer some personal counseling on the matter.

 

[miamited]

Hi again Brandon*

I went back and reread your OP. These feelings of unworthiness, are they from things your wife says or does, or are you just feeling unworthy because of things in your past or present?

 

[Whatever]

e are both believers

Eph_5:22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
Eph_5:24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
Eph_5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,
Eph_5:28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.
Col_3:18 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
Col_3:19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them.
1Ti_3:11 Likewise, their wives must be reverent, not slanderers, temperate, faithful in all things.

If you feel unworthy and unwanted, then one or both of you are not loving and respecting the other.
This marriage may be the very test the Lord is putting you both through.

James 1:2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.

 

[Tenchi]

Is divorce ok? I’m married but I feel like it is very toxic and I feel very unworthy and unwanted and I’m not really sure what to do. A friend of mine from church has been telling me that I don’t need to stay in the marriage because it could lead me back into the addiction God lead me out of.

Divorce is an option but it is not what God desires for any married couple. Even in the case of adultery, which Scripture allows as the sole reason for divorce, God would rather the couple was transformed by Him and their marriage healed, as a result.

Though it is rarely understood by newly-weds, marriage is a major spiritual training-ground wherein husband and wife learn to be vessels in and through whom God communicates Himself to them, and through which they discover the deep and eternal lessons of agape love. God intends that when a husband meets his wife, she encounters, not just her husband, but Christ in her husband, shining brightly from him (and vice versa). When this is the case, as it is more and more the case, marriage becomes the awesome, incredibly rich and rewarding relationship God intends it to be.

Ephesians 5:25-33
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,
26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.
28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;
29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,
30 because we are members of His body.
31 For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.
32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.
33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

A godly husband is a selfless man, seeking God's best for his wife all the time, sacrificing himself for her and being the hands and heart of God to her at every opportunity. Is this you? Are you giving yourself up for your wife? Is your first priority as her husband that your wife encounters Christ in you? It is only as this is the case that what God intends marriage should be is what you enjoy with your wife.

This sort of self-sacrifice is actually only possible when you are finding deep satisfaction and fulfillment in God rather than in your wife (or any human person). When God satisfies you, giving your life eternal meaning and the fullness of His joy, your wife can be a poisonous harridan and you can still love her well. Really, if God, the Maker and Sustainer of Everything, can't satisfy you there's no hope that a fallible, ignorant, selfish human being can. But how often and eagerly Christians seek in human relationships - particularly in marriage - what God intends they should find only in Himself. And when they do, they find themselves powerfully disappointed in their fellow human beings, discovering that they are just the same as themselves, selfish and fallible and downright ugly, at times. And then, divorce seems the way to go.

Your marriage isn't the problem, at bottom, but your relationship with God. And so, the advice of your friend is way off-base. It most certainly isn't biblical. Don't chuck it in, maritally, be changed by God.

2 Corinthians 3:18
18 But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit.

Romans 8:29
29 For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren;

2 Corinthians 4:7-11
7 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves;
8 we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing;
9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;
10 always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.
11 For we who live are constantly being delivered over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.

 

[Vinny37]

Is divorce ok? I’m married but I feel like it is very toxic and I feel very unworthy and unwanted and I’m not really sure what to do. A friend of mine from church has been telling me that I don’t need to stay in the marriage because it could lead me back into the addiction God lead me out of.

On the theme of divorce, I’d suggest reading Steve Hakes’ Salvation Now and Life Beyond, pp20-34. It’s on AMZ and has free-access on https://archive.org/details/salvati...41212/Salvation Now and Life Beyond - 241212/. Like J E Adams’ book on this, it covers the idea that there are both sinful and sinless grounds for divorce, and residual or nonresidual postdivorce obligations according to the grounds of divorce: a postdivorce residual obligation can include never marrying anyone else prior to your former spouse’s death. Sometimes we must be like Esther: If I perish, I perish, only let us perish pleasing God. It ain’t easy but it’s right.

 

[myangelsb4u]

Is divorce ok? I’m married but I feel like it is very toxic and I feel very unworthy and unwanted and I’m not really sure what to do. A friend of mine from church has been telling me that I don’t need to stay in the marriage because it could lead me back into the addiction God lead me out of.

Good morning, brother. I would like to ask you some questions
1. Is your friend male or female?
2. Is your friend married or single?
3. Did you have these addictions before you were married?
4. Do you have children, and if you do, have you considered what this may mean for them?
Thank you.

 

[for_his_glory]

Hi Brandon* I've been divorced twice and now married to a wonderful Godly man. After my second divorce that was also toxic as he was very abusive mentally, physically and was cheated on, I did a scriptural study about divorce and here is part of what I wrote on this subject.

1 Corinthians 7:10, Jesus commands the woman or the man not to leave her husband and if she or he does they should remain unmarried, but in Malachi 2:10-16 the treachery that man or a woman commits against each other which leads one or the other to have an affair outside of the marriage or abuses one or the other whether it be physical or emotional gives place to what was said by Moses in Deuteronomy 24:1-4 that if a woman or a man is no longer pleasing to the other then the husband or wife should give his wife or husband a written bill of divorcement and send them out of the house and this gives the woman or the man the right to marry again, but they can never go back to the former spouse if that marriage does not work out or her husband or wife dies for now he or she is defiled to be with their first husband or wife and this is an abomination to God.

For a good marriage to work one should study 2 Corinthians 6:14 be ye not unequally yoked together with non-believers for what fellowship hath righteous with unrighteous, and what communion has light with darkness. If you are a believer in Jesus Christ then you need to choose a mate that also believes in the faith of Christ. In some marriages people do not enter into a relationship with Christ being the center of it, but maybe one of them come to know the Lord and the other one refuses to have that personal relationship with Christ then we go back to what 1 Corinthians 7:12-16 says. If the unbelieving partner leaves the believing partner then this frees the believing partner from the bondage of the vows of marriage and they are free to marry again.

Before ever getting married take time to really know each other and establish a friendship that consist of trust and belief in each other. Allow Christ to be the center of your friendship and this will allow you to begin a marriage that is totally Christ centered. Always resolve your problems with the Holy Ghost guidance through the word and you will always have a good marriage. Always be opened and honest with each other for this builds trust in the relationship, but if that trust is broken there is no relationship. Love each other unconditionally as Christ loves us and forgives us our faults. As long as we live in this flesh we will sin at times, but when you acknowledge those sins and ask for forgiveness God will always forgive us. Always be ready to forgive each other seventy times seven, Matthew 22:21,22, and not only forgive, but forget the sin as God remembers our sins no more when we repent of them. The outside appearance will always change and beauty may fade, but it is the heart of the person we are to love and the heart will never change as long as the love of Christ dwells within it.

​

 

[Whatever]

How about:

Luk 16:18 " . . .whoever marries her who is divorced from her husband commits adultery.

Any man who marries any woman who is divorced (culturally legal or not) commits adultery.

But we'll always find loopholes to fit our desires.

 

[follower]

Is divorce ok?

As written, if an unbeliever wants to leave, LET HIM LEAVE - and do not even try to keep him.

 

[D-D-W]

Hi Brandon. Welcome to the forums.

You claim both you and your wife are believers, but your relationship is toxic. That should not be.

While I am no expert or trained counselor, I have been married over 45 years, and at times it has been toxic. That was due to childhood trauma in both of our lives. I would encourage you to get a copy of the DVDs (or the online streams) and the book/workbook from a counselor couple Rev Milan and Kay Yerkovich called "How We Love." It starts off with this interesting statement:

"Did you know the last fight you had with your spouse began long before you even met?"

They go on to work on unhealthy attachment styles.

 

[Josheb]

Is divorce ok?

No.

I’m married but I feel like it is very toxic and I feel very unworthy and unwanted and I’m not really sure what to do.

Wondering about divorce is not likely to help.

A friend of mine from church has been telling me that I don’t need to stay in the marriage because it could lead me back into the addiction God lead me out of.

Hmmm.... How long have you been sober? How much do you think the years spent in addiction (and their causal roots) is related to the difficulties in the marriage that have gotten to the point you're wondering if divorce is "ok"?

I am a recovered addict. ANY behavior can be measured three ways: frequency, intensity, and duration. Write that down. There were no drugs I did not use, did not use often, did not use a lot of, and I used them for years. I lost ten years of my life. I have been married for 30 years. I wrecked more than a few otherwise good relationships prior to wedding the lovely and wonderful love of my life. I am also a retired professional counselor who started out working addictions and then changed my specialties to marriage and trauma. Most importantly, I have been a Christian for over 40 years. I am not exaggerating when I say I have been instrumental in improving and/or saving 1000 marriages. Those are my bona fides.

The short answer to your question is, "No, divorce is not 'ok'," but the longer answer is that no Christian should be looking for what is "ok." We're supposed to be pursuing excellence. The standards are exceedingly high, and no human meets them all. Divorce happens. Divorce is allowed but it is never God's hope for anyone and while it is true that the Bible does make allowances for divorce in certain circumstances the "list" is not exhaustive. You have likely heard divorce is permitted in instances of adultery and if you're married to a non-believer. Divorce is also permitted in other circumstances, such as battery, even though scripture is silent about them explicitly. God divorced Israel because Israel was a chronic covenant breaker (not just in its idolatrous adultery). Just because you have permission does not mean you have command. Very few were the marriages with which I worked that couldn't have been saved and I can count on one hand the total number of occasions where I recommended divorce. Most Christians will tell you divorce is a sin but the larger truth is that divorce is a symptom of sin and if the causal sinful condition is not addressed then you'll likely end up with another broken relationship (and another, and...).

There are many good recommendations from others here. "How We Love," is, for example, a very good book BUT attachment theory is not easy to apply correctly AND its usually most effective when built on a more fundamental foundation (such as, "As he thinketh in his heart, so is he" or the more commonly known concept of "If you change the way you think then you will change the way you act").

Here is what I recommend:

1. Sit down and breath. Breath long, slow, deep breaths. Inhale for 4 seconds, hold the breath for 5 seconds, exhale slowly making the exhale last longer than the inhale, at least 6 seconds. Do it. It's called 4-5-6 breathing, and it helps the brain get the parasympathetic nervous system back online and the parasympathetic nervous system is the part of your body that helps you solve complex problems. Relationship problems are complex problems. Breath.
2. Sit down with yourself and ask yourself, "What do I think are the problems to be solved?" Make the list. Write down your answers.
   After having made a list of the problems to be solved, examine the list and identify which items on the list are things you are doing and which are things you think your wife is doing. Odds are you've weighted the list more heavily on the side of your wife. She's the bad guy and you're the victim...... and that last sentence probably triggered your defenses.
3. Breath.
4. When you're relaxed take another look at the list and this time ask yourself what it is you contribute to every single one of the problems on the list. Never make your wife the bad guy without also taking responsibility for yourself. Once you've obtained a more balanced list of the problems.....
5. Make a list of solutions! Being problem focused solves nothing. Every problem has at least one effective solution. You becoming a more solution-oriented Christian will change your entire life.
6. After you've figured out your list of prospective solutions start applying them. You do not need your wife to tell you what you already know you need to be doing and if and when that happens there's a fairly good chance your wife will 1) stop telling you what to do and 2) wonder what in heaven and earth happened to you .

Let the effects of that homeowrk settle in for two or three days while you do that work. Then.....

1. Sit down with your wife and ask her if she thinks and feels there are some things needing improvement in the marriage. If (when) she answers in the affirmative, then shut up and listen. This is not a discussion you're having with her. This is her telling you her mind. That is all. You do not get to tell her what you think of her thoughts and feelings.
2. If what she says is not too triggering (you do not feel the need to defend yourself) then ask her what she thinks some of the problems to be solved might be. If her answers don't trigger your defenses then, again, ask her what she thinks some of the solutions might be.
3. If, on the other hand, you feel adversarial or defensive when she speaks 1) you need to work on you first because you don't feel safe and/or connected with your wife and that book D-D-W recommended might help. If her words are triggering then you'll have to have three conversations with her, not one.

Conversation 1: What do you think are areas we can improve this marriage?
Conversation 2: What do you think are the problems to be solved?
Conversation 3: What do you think are the solutions you think we should pursue?

When she is done answering each question thank her. Thank her for sharing. Tell her you are going to spend a day or two thinking about what you heard (not what she said) and you'll get back to her to let her know what you think. Take things slowly. Work the task incrementally, making positive changes in a positive direction until the entire relationship is improved. If there was a magic potion to solving marriage problems, I would be exceedingly rich.

If you went to a professional marriage counselor they would be asking each of you to help them understand the problem as each of you perceives it. The counselor will then briefly explore potentially confounding conditions (mental health diagnoses, addictions, history of abuse, history of trauma, and history of adultery are the basic five). By the end of the first session s/he will ask you what your goals are. Most couples say the same thing: Communication! and every marriage counselor spends some time teaching their clients how to listen AND speak because communication is bidirectional. You could send all the information you like but if it is never received then you have not actually communicated.

Those to bullet lists just got you through your first to counseling sessions if you do them well.

Most couples do not know or have goals beyond learning how to communicate better. That, then, becomes their first homework assignment: What are your goals? How will you know what you have accomplished when you leave seeing me for the last time? This is critically important because people without goals never get there. In a goal-less life any path will do .

In the next post I will provide a reading list to be read in the order listed. You may PM me if you have any questions. I'll try to help with basic inquiries and basic concerns, but private messaging is not counseling. I will tell you if you definitely need professional help..... so don't ask me if you don't want to know. It is possible to redeem a marriage in as little as three or four months, but most couples work much longer to get to the marriage they want...... and then they work their entire lives to keep it that way. There's not a married person in this thread who will tell you marriage is easy, and you don't need to work at it.

 

[Josheb]

Reading List:

"Letters to Philip," by Charlie Shedd (This is an easy and fast read. No chapter is longer than three or four pages and the book can be read in a week. This is an old book. It comes across a little chauvinist. Read it anyway because the information contained therein is invaluable. When you're done reading it, ask your wife is she'll read it and give you her feedback. Which chapter did she find the most important?)
"Boundaries," by Henry Cloud and John Townsend (There is a series of boundaries books, so you may also want to read "Boundaries in Marriage." Healthy relationships require healthy boundaries - and addicts lack them. This book will help you be able to say, "No," and understand when and how to say it.).
"Boundaries Face to Face," also by Cloud and Townsend (This book is about interpersonal communication. It too is a fairly fast read because no chapter is longer than three or four pages BUT don't let that fool you because learning healthy communication take time. I might put this book ahead of the others except for the fact you've got to know and understand boundaries for yourself before being able to effectively apply them face to face).
"The Five Love Languages," by Gary Chapman (this book describes five different ways of expressing value* and affection. You can love her any of the five ways any day of the week AND mix the affection up any way you choose BUT there is likely one particular way she likes to be valued and the more you do that, the better your marriage will be. The more she loves you the way you like to be love, the better the marriage).
"Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," by John Gottman. (Every chapter has an evaluation at the end so the couple can measure their relationship. Every chapter also has exercises at the end of each chapter to aid in improving the relationship).
"Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson. (Johnson's focus on emotional content is built on attachment. This is a practical book written for couples. The book teaches couples to understand the types of arguments they have and how to effect positive change).
"The Meaning of Marriage" by Timothy Keller (Quite possibly the single best book on marriage I have ever read and I have read hundreds. It's mostly theological but has some practical content).

If your wife will read them with you then you two will always have something to discuss AND something with which you can practice active listening skills. Method is just as important as content. Most of those authors are Christians (Gottman and his wife are practicing Conservative Jews).

Other books you can consider are "For Men Only" and "For Women Only," by Shaunti Feldhahn (she's a protege of Emmerson Eggerichs), "The Seven Basic Quarrels of Marriage," by William Betcher, "Life Together" by Dietrich Bonhoeffer, and for you alone, Brandon* , I recommend "Healing the Masculine Soul" by Gordon Dalbey, "Samson and the Pirate Monks," by Nate Larkin, and "Getting Love Right" by Terence Gorski. I do not read any description of the addiction (was it a chemical addiction or process addiction (porn, gambling, food, etc.)? If you let me know I may be able to recommend some reading to apply what you've learned in recovery to marriage.

Seriously, read them all.


* The word "love" is simply another word for "value." When we say, "I love you," we're saying we value that person in a special and unique way.
.