Divorce?

[Brandon*]

Is divorce ok? I’m married but I feel like it is very toxic and I feel very unworthy and unwanted and I’m not really sure what to do. A friend of mine from church has been telling me that I don’t need to stay in the marriage because it could lead me back into the addiction God lead me out of.

 

[st_worm2]

Hello Brandon*, divorce is ok for a VERY narrow set of Biblical reasons. Separations are ok however (if it comes to that) and they can be helpful at times, especially if coupled with marriage counseling from your pastor (but even a separation should only be considered when other avenues of remedy have been exhausted).

First and foremost, have you told your wife exactly how you feel (how she makes you feel), and if so, have you two been talking about how to change things?

Also, have you let your pastor know about this and gotten his counsel, either with your wife or by yourself? If not, you should do so immediately, hopefully with your wife, if possible, but alone if she doesn't care to join in at the moment (this will also help your pastor know how he can be praying for you both, and for your marriage, as well).

There are also wonderful marriage conferences happening right now, like Cru's "A Weekend to Remember", that you and your wife may want to attend. They really know how to get to the heart of the problems that married couples face and help them fix them, but the conference itself is all that a couple needs sometimes to jumpstart their marriage and begin to get it back on track (and most couples have the time of their life at things like this as they are meant to be filled with joy and fun .. definitely a weekend that neither my wife nor I will ever forget ).

Praying for you!

God bless you!!

--David
p.s. - are you familiar with what the Bible has to say about marriage to both husbands and wives If not, here are a few passages concerning marriage that are certainly worth studying/considering (passages that you should discuss further with your pastor .. Ephesians 5:22-6:4; Colossians 3:18-21; 1 Peter 3:1-9; 1 Corinthians 7).

 

[st_worm2]

Hello again Brandon*, I had noticed earlier that you are a new member here, but I forgot to say welcome to CF so, WELCOME TO CF I'm glad that you found us and joined in the discussions with us!

The other thing I forgot to mention is your friend's advice to you (that you mentioned to us in the OP), to leave your marriage over this because he fears that not doing so may lead you back into your addiction). While that sounds like advice from a friend who is concerned about you, do you believe that you'd receive the same advice if it was coming from the Lord Jesus instead of from your friend?

I KNOW how hard it can be, but as Christians, we need to remember that we play by a different set of rules now than we did when we used to be part of this world, which means that we need to trust Him and take Him at His word, even when it "feels" wrong to do so, feels like we should be doing the very opposite of what he's telling us to do.

Again, talk to your pastor about this too.

There is also this advice to consider following (from pastor/theologian Dr. Sinclair Ferguson), advice that I have ALWAYS been glad that I followed, especially when I wasn't sure what was best to do next (advice that I wish that I'd remembered to follow FAR more often than I have), and here it is:

​

God bless you!!

--David

Proverbs 3​

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart,​

And lean not on your own understanding;​

6 In all your ways acknowledge Him,​

And He shall direct your paths.​

 

[miamited]

Hi Brandon*

I think that all you need to know about the matter is that God has said that He hates divorce. Do with that as you will. The choice is whether you want to honor God or do something that you know He hates.

Sure, married life is hard. Spending a lifetime with one person can get to be difficult for many of us. But our promise of lifetime faithfulness wasn't just a promise made to our spouse, if you were married as a believer, it was also a promise that you made to God. My encouragement, work it out. Remember that there are only a few specific acts that mankind commits that God says He hates. Although He hates sin in general, He specifically makes the point to tell those who love Him that He hates divorce.

Divorce causes pain. Especially if you have children. Work it out. In fact, God's instruction even to those who were not believers when they got married is that the believer honor their marriage covenant. Paul tells us that in such a case, let the unbeliever leave. Are you the believer or the unbeliever?

 

[Whatever]

From your picture I assume you are a man. Is your wife a Christian.
Notice, Paul says this is his advice and not necessarily from the Lord.

1 Corinthians 7:12 But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. 13 And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him.

If your wife is not a Christian, you are not to do divorce her, but if she wants to leave, let her leave.

1 Corinthians 7:15 But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace.

If she is a believer, you are stuck. But if she still leaves don't fight it.

I kept quoting verse 15 to a friend who was married to an unbeliever. Actually they were both unbelievers, then he got saved. But he would not tithe or get too into the Church because he was afraid it would upset her.
I showed him:
Mat 10:37 He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me.

It doesn't mention "wife" but I'm sure the same thing applies.
In other words, you are to do what the Lord says, not what pleases your wife. You live like a Christian, and if your wife doesn't like it, let her leave.

I mentioned this to an old lady in my church once and she gasped "Family is the most important thing."
Jesus says it isn't.

Mat 19:29 And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or lands, for My name's sake, shall receive a hundredfold, and inherit eternal life.

But you have to leave them for Jesus sake, not just to make yourself more comfortable.

 

[Brandon*]

Hi Brandon*

I think that all you need to know about the matter is that God has said that He hates divorce. Do with that as you will. The choice is whether you want to honor God or do something that you know He hates.

Sure, married life is hard. Spending a lifetime with one person can get to be difficult for many of us. But our promise of lifetime faithfulness wasn't just a promise made to our spouse, if you were married as a believer, it was also a promise that you made to God. My encouragement, work it out. Remember that there are only a few specific acts that mankind commits that God says He hates. Although He hates sin in general, He specifically makes the point to tell those who love Him that He hates divorce.

Divorce causes pain. Especially if you have children. Work it out. In fact, God's instruction even to those who were not believers when they got married is that the believer honor their marriage covenant. Paul tells us that in such a case, let the unbeliever leave. Are you the believer or the unbeliever?

We are both believers.

 

[Brandon*]

Hello again Brandon*, I had noticed earlier that you are a new member here, but I forgot to say welcome to CF so, WELCOME TO CF I'm glad that you found us and joined in the discussions with us!

The other thing I forgot to mention is your friend's advice to you (that you mentioned to us in the OP), to leave your marriage over this because he fears that not doing so may lead you back into your addiction). While that sounds like advice from a friend who is concerned about you, do you believe that you'd receive the same advice if it was coming from the Lord Jesus instead of from your friend?

I KNOW how hard it can be, but as Christians, we need to remember that we play by a different set of rules now than we did when we used to be part of this world, which means that we need to trust Him and take Him at His word, even when it "feels" wrong to do so, feels like we should be doing the very opposite of what he's telling us to do.

Again, talk to your pastor about this too.

There is also this advice to consider following (from pastor/theologian Dr. Sinclair Ferguson), advice that I have ALWAYS been glad that I followed, especially when I wasn't sure what was best to do next (advice that I wish that I'd remembered to follow FAR more often than I have), and here it is:

View attachment 17506​

God bless you!!

--David

Proverbs 3​

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart,​

And lean not on your own understanding;​

6 In all your ways acknowledge Him,​

And He shall direct your paths.​

I don’t agree with my friends advice and I want it to work, it will work in Jesus name. Thank you for your concern brother.

 

[miamited]

We are both believers.

If so, then there shouldn't be any problem working it out. Are you both living as the Scriptures ask married people to live? You mentioned that there was some idea that your wife might drag you back into addiction. Is she an addict? If so, then, as a believer, she should be willing to work on that to save a marriage. It's tough and that's why I said in my first post that marriage isn't always easy. There can be some hard choices that need to be made and we are all sinners so there will likely be occasions where we don't do what we know God asks us to do, but as believers, you're told to give allowance to one another and pray for one another.

 

[miamited]

Hi Brandon*

Have you been to your pastor about the matter? I know that the pastor of a fellowship that I used to attend had resources for such issues. He even had a counseling service that would work with couples for a small fee of $25/session. Now, that's for professional services, but your pastor should be willing to offer some personal counseling on the matter.

 

[miamited]

Hi again Brandon*

I went back and reread your OP. These feelings of unworthiness, are they from things your wife says or does, or are you just feeling unworthy because of things in your past or present?

 

[Whatever]

e are both believers

Eph_5:22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
Eph_5:24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
Eph_5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,
Eph_5:28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.
Col_3:18 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
Col_3:19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them.
1Ti_3:11 Likewise, their wives must be reverent, not slanderers, temperate, faithful in all things.

If you feel unworthy and unwanted, then one or both of you are not loving and respecting the other.
This marriage may be the very test the Lord is putting you both through.

James 1:2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.

 

[Tenchi]

Is divorce ok? I’m married but I feel like it is very toxic and I feel very unworthy and unwanted and I’m not really sure what to do. A friend of mine from church has been telling me that I don’t need to stay in the marriage because it could lead me back into the addiction God lead me out of.

Divorce is an option but it is not what God desires for any married couple. Even in the case of adultery, which Scripture allows as the sole reason for divorce, God would rather the couple was transformed by Him and their marriage healed, as a result.

Though it is rarely understood by newly-weds, marriage is a major spiritual training-ground wherein husband and wife learn to be vessels in and through whom God communicates Himself to them, and through which they discover the deep and eternal lessons of agape love. God intends that when a husband meets his wife, she encounters, not just her husband, but Christ in her husband, shining brightly from him (and vice versa). When this is the case, as it is more and more the case, marriage becomes the awesome, incredibly rich and rewarding relationship God intends it to be.

Ephesians 5:25-33
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,
26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.
28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;
29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,
30 because we are members of His body.
31 For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.
32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.
33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

A godly husband is a selfless man, seeking God's best for his wife all the time, sacrificing himself for her and being the hands and heart of God to her at every opportunity. Is this you? Are you giving yourself up for your wife? Is your first priority as her husband that your wife encounters Christ in you? It is only as this is the case that what God intends marriage should be is what you enjoy with your wife.

This sort of self-sacrifice is actually only possible when you are finding deep satisfaction and fulfillment in God rather than in your wife (or any human person). When God satisfies you, giving your life eternal meaning and the fullness of His joy, your wife can be a poisonous harridan and you can still love her well. Really, if God, the Maker and Sustainer of Everything, can't satisfy you there's no hope that a fallible, ignorant, selfish human being can. But how often and eagerly Christians seek in human relationships - particularly in marriage - what God intends they should find only in Himself. And when they do, they find themselves powerfully disappointed in their fellow human beings, discovering that they are just the same as themselves, selfish and fallible and downright ugly, at times. And then, divorce seems the way to go.

Your marriage isn't the problem, at bottom, but your relationship with God. And so, the advice of your friend is way off-base. It most certainly isn't biblical. Don't chuck it in, maritally, be changed by God.

2 Corinthians 3:18
18 But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit.

Romans 8:29
29 For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren;

2 Corinthians 4:7-11
7 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves;
8 we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing;
9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;
10 always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.
11 For we who live are constantly being delivered over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.

 

[miamited]

Even in the case of adultery, which Scripture allows as the sole reason for divorce, God would rather the couple was transformed by Him and their marriage healed, as a result.

Hi Tenchi

I agree with that position, but I do question those who say that adultery was an allowable excuse for divorce. Jesus seemed to be clear that Abraham gave that allowance because God knows that our hearts are hard. Some say that Jesus said it was allowable when he was with us, but I disagree. What Jesus said was that any man who divorces his wife for any reason other than marital infidelity was making their wife an adulterer. I don't believe he was making an allowance, but explaining that in the case of infidelity, the wife had already made themselves an adulterer. So, for any other reason, the husband was the one making the wife an adulterer. That's my understanding.

I believe that God wants us to bend over backwards and turn ourselves into a spaghetti noodle if that's what it would take to continue a marriage. I just believe that when the Scriptures tell us that God hates divorce, that He hates divorce no matter the reason for it.