I don't have a therapist... She retired but I had a few good years with her. She helped me remember that faith will give me strength to persevere.
I married a man who already had children and had a nasty mean ex wife (I know... not a wise choice) when I was 27 yo. I understood that it might be complicated and difficult at times but I determined he was worth it. Having come from a very abusive marriage previously (his therapist diagnosed my ex husband as a Narcissist), I was surprised to meet a man that loved God, discussed God and a life together with me with Christ being the center. We discussed putting our marriage first and in parenting so the children would be witness and see us thrive as a Godly and strong couple. And all was nice until shortly after we were married and I became pregnant with our first of three children together.
His ex wife created battles in court with him for several years beyond our marriage and of course this was stressful. His boys stayed with us from Thursday night to Monday morning every week.
When I was around 3 months pregnant, I began to fear becoming responsible for another life.. our unborn child. I asked my husband for a weekend without his children so we could have some alone time without responsibilities but he decided against it since he was battling his ex in court. I didn't realize at the time that his denial was the beginning of 10 years of my needs neglected.
I loved his boys but I needed some time to settle into being a stepmother, no weekends without children before I became a full time mother myself and to be a wife. Each time I asked for time away or a trip for just the two of us, it was rejected as a result of his boys... missing time with them. Personally and probably controversial, I think requesting a weekend without his kids or a quick trip without them isn't too much to ask.
I became bitter, angry and depressed by feeling stuck with someone who didn't pay mind to my requests. There seemed to always be an excuse. By year 7, he began to tell me that my anger and resentment didn't make sense and I had a problem. So... I found a therapist. She let me talk... telling her all this and more. In talking, I knew what was happening and I knew I needed to stand up for myself.
My husband promised he would make changes and correct our family dynamic but... it's been 3 more years and nothing has changed. I am not a priority for him and it's been difficult to watch him treat everyone (clients and children) as priorities over me. I am tired, I am angry, I am sad.. our children together have been seeing a sad and angry mother.
A hired female project manager gave him a hand made birthday card, compliments, giggles, homemade cupcakes and filled the office refrigerator with his favorite beer. I told him she's interested in him and it became inappropriate and he laughed. She appeared at the restaurant she knows he loves during lunch hour and he didn't tell me. I went to our office and sat next to her after they had lunch that day and she mentioned it. He called me and asked to speak in private so I left our office and went down stairs where he nonchalantly told me that she showed up to lunch - uninvited. I was angry that all the time since lunch with her happened, I wasn't told about it. I felt like such a fool that she went to lunch with my husband and sat next to me in our office and ... essentially kept a secret. I felt betrayed by my husband for not telling her that it was inappropriate for her to be there with him and/or call/text me to invite me. He said that he felt uncomfortable with her there so he took phone calls and was busy and ate standing. He told me that he waited to call me because he was in shock. He told me he just paid and left right away .. that he hadn't talked to her since.
Three days later, I saw they were private texting... where she thanked him for lunch moments after and he immediately said, "no problem, anytime." DEVASTATING for me,
He has a friend that hates being home with his family, not Christian and really hates his wife. They work on cars together and drink and when they are together, he forgets about me completely. He's missed out dates, gotten drunk with him and doesn't answer my calls.
He drinks alcohol a lot. 2 double margaritas at lunch, 4 double margaritas with dinner and then wine afterward. He has become increasingly stressful and anxious that it is energy sucking to be around and listen to him speak about everything. I can't stand that he talks to his now 16 year old boy like he's his friend and makes sexual and perverted jokes. They joke, make fun of people, mocking the kid movies or shows our littles watch. It ruins the whole parenting experience for me with our littles... I don't get the chance to enjoy the innocence of our littles as we raise them - with their criticism and rude comments about everything. His oldest doesn't get consequences for saying bad things to the littles or being disrespectful. My husband and his oldest have mocked me, looked at each other and shook their heads at me.
It's unfair for our children to learn that our marriage and family dynamic is normal or acceptable and I want to separate. I feel like I can't breathe around him. Like I am trapped and I just want to escape. It's painful for me to continue or separate. My mother kept my sister and I in an unhealthy and abusive home and I've never understood why. I learned that marriage is normally abusive and I believe that's why I married my first husband. It was painful but he told me he loved me - just like growing up.
I guess it doesn't matter if people think I should stay or go. I really wanted to write this to vent and know it's no longer my secret.
I married a man who already had children and had a nasty mean ex wife (I know... not a wise choice) when I was 27 yo. I understood that it might be complicated and difficult at times but I determined he was worth it. Having come from a very abusive marriage previously (his therapist diagnosed my ex husband as a Narcissist), I was surprised to meet a man that loved God, discussed God and a life together with me with Christ being the center. We discussed putting our marriage first and in parenting so the children would be witness and see us thrive as a Godly and strong couple. And all was nice until shortly after we were married and I became pregnant with our first of three children together.
His ex wife created battles in court with him for several years beyond our marriage and of course this was stressful. His boys stayed with us from Thursday night to Monday morning every week.
When I was around 3 months pregnant, I began to fear becoming responsible for another life.. our unborn child. I asked my husband for a weekend without his children so we could have some alone time without responsibilities but he decided against it since he was battling his ex in court. I didn't realize at the time that his denial was the beginning of 10 years of my needs neglected.
I loved his boys but I needed some time to settle into being a stepmother, no weekends without children before I became a full time mother myself and to be a wife. Each time I asked for time away or a trip for just the two of us, it was rejected as a result of his boys... missing time with them. Personally and probably controversial, I think requesting a weekend without his kids or a quick trip without them isn't too much to ask.
I became bitter, angry and depressed by feeling stuck with someone who didn't pay mind to my requests. There seemed to always be an excuse. By year 7, he began to tell me that my anger and resentment didn't make sense and I had a problem. So... I found a therapist. She let me talk... telling her all this and more. In talking, I knew what was happening and I knew I needed to stand up for myself.
My husband promised he would make changes and correct our family dynamic but... it's been 3 more years and nothing has changed. I am not a priority for him and it's been difficult to watch him treat everyone (clients and children) as priorities over me. I am tired, I am angry, I am sad.. our children together have been seeing a sad and angry mother.
A hired female project manager gave him a hand made birthday card, compliments, giggles, homemade cupcakes and filled the office refrigerator with his favorite beer. I told him she's interested in him and it became inappropriate and he laughed. She appeared at the restaurant she knows he loves during lunch hour and he didn't tell me. I went to our office and sat next to her after they had lunch that day and she mentioned it. He called me and asked to speak in private so I left our office and went down stairs where he nonchalantly told me that she showed up to lunch - uninvited. I was angry that all the time since lunch with her happened, I wasn't told about it. I felt like such a fool that she went to lunch with my husband and sat next to me in our office and ... essentially kept a secret. I felt betrayed by my husband for not telling her that it was inappropriate for her to be there with him and/or call/text me to invite me. He said that he felt uncomfortable with her there so he took phone calls and was busy and ate standing. He told me that he waited to call me because he was in shock. He told me he just paid and left right away .. that he hadn't talked to her since.
Three days later, I saw they were private texting... where she thanked him for lunch moments after and he immediately said, "no problem, anytime." DEVASTATING for me,
He has a friend that hates being home with his family, not Christian and really hates his wife. They work on cars together and drink and when they are together, he forgets about me completely. He's missed out dates, gotten drunk with him and doesn't answer my calls.
He drinks alcohol a lot. 2 double margaritas at lunch, 4 double margaritas with dinner and then wine afterward. He has become increasingly stressful and anxious that it is energy sucking to be around and listen to him speak about everything. I can't stand that he talks to his now 16 year old boy like he's his friend and makes sexual and perverted jokes. They joke, make fun of people, mocking the kid movies or shows our littles watch. It ruins the whole parenting experience for me with our littles... I don't get the chance to enjoy the innocence of our littles as we raise them - with their criticism and rude comments about everything. His oldest doesn't get consequences for saying bad things to the littles or being disrespectful. My husband and his oldest have mocked me, looked at each other and shook their heads at me.
It's unfair for our children to learn that our marriage and family dynamic is normal or acceptable and I want to separate. I feel like I can't breathe around him. Like I am trapped and I just want to escape. It's painful for me to continue or separate. My mother kept my sister and I in an unhealthy and abusive home and I've never understood why. I learned that marriage is normally abusive and I believe that's why I married my first husband. It was painful but he told me he loved me - just like growing up.
I guess it doesn't matter if people think I should stay or go. I really wanted to write this to vent and know it's no longer my secret.
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