Christ_empowered
Member
Its a challenge! When I was a teenager and into my early 20s, I had narcissistic personality disorder. Hardcore. Actually, I met the criteria for NPD up until recently, and now...
...I'm happy to report that Self is fading into the background. I pray--when I remember to pray for this--for "proper self-love." NPD is distorted self-love. Its above and beyond self-love and pride. Modern shrinks usually focus on CBT, antidepressants, behavioral modification, maybe brief hospitalization, etc. Increasingly, some are turning to DBT, which is like neo-psychoanalysis.
Anyway, NPD apparently tends to start in childhood. Nobody really chooses NPD. Its like this feminist, progressive counselor's website I read...a lot of problems, especially the personality disorders, are borne of trauma and pain.
So, I prayed to God to be healed of narcissism. Then, I realized that in order for that to happen, I had to start agreeing with God on certain key points. Like having been washed and made clean. Like needing Jesus every day, all the time. Like being the creature, not the creator, not the law giver. Like praying for my enemies and loving my enemies as I love my Self.
NPD people who are lucky enough to have time, money, and inclination for in depth therapy make progress. Sometimes, it gets better with age (can also get worse...). This one genius NPD dude, Sam Vakanin (probably misspelled the last name) has made a career out of his narcissism. Speaking of which...
reading that Sam dude's stuff let me see that, at least for me and other NPD people, most secular mental health people don't have much to offer. This dude refers to Jesus as the ultimate narcissist. I guess he prefers complicated psychoanalytic theory. Oh, that and making tons of money writing about NPD.
The older literature spoke of cases of spontaneous healing, religious experiences=healings, gradual development of increasing levels of insight and behavioral change. "Corrective life experiences" sometimes help. That's probably a lot of what led to me becoming a Christian..."corrective life experiences," although the mental health pros behind my "humbling experiences" were sadistic and cruel.
Anyway...point is (and yes, I'm rambling)...NPD is usually a death sentence, especially since NPD is so stigmatized. You develop NPD in childhood, you're stuck with it, secular mental health people treat you like you're defective and useless, and that's it. Stigma, pain, shame, despair, labeling.
That's not how Jesus works! From an early age, I wanted to be someone completely different. Dyed and bleached my hair a lot, did drugs, wore crazy clothes, listened to pretentious music, etc. Ended up: balding, drug addicted and brain damaged, ugly, and hated. Ooops. I finally came to repentance, and...
...I'm smart enough for college-level work, I have too much hair, I've been drug free for years, and people who actually get to know me kinda like me. I'm sometimes even charming
.
Everybody says I wanted to be "something special." True enough, to a point. Truth is, I wanted to be someone different, completely different, because even before I met my first shrink, I knew there was *something* wrong with me, fundamentally wrong, that I didn't know how to fix.
So, I finally came to repentance (slow learner...I blame ECT, lol), and God's been quite good to me. NPD starts at a young age, and it usually defines you. I apparently don't meet the criteria for full-fledged NPD. For NPD to resolve, especially NPD of the magnitude I had, is a miracle.
Blah blah blah...I guess I'm just saying that this "die to self daily" thing is the best thing ever for everybody, but especially me, with my past of severe NPD. When I start to get down and frustrated or feel like I'm veering too far off course, I'll close my eyes and envision Christ on the cross. My cousin, he's a corporate type turned Born Again Christian, does all kinds of work for The Kingdom...he told me to focus on "Christ, and Him crucified."
So I do. Or try to, in my better moments. I pray for my enemies, even when it hurts me a bit to do so. I repeat certain verses out loud. I pray to God that He'll open the eyes of my heart, so I can see the world His way, to the extent that I'm capable. I pray for a heart of flesh, not of stone. I pray forgiveness for living in the past, getting stuck in Self. Pray Until Something Happens (PUSH)...
...yes, prayer works. Not immediately, and not how I was expecting, but it works. Increasingly, I accept that I'm a work in progress, with a lot of growing up to do. I accept that I have a lot to learn, and I sometimes pray to be teach-able and receptive to wisdom (should pray for it all the time, but...I have a lot of things I pray for, lol)...
This is a Praise Report, of course. I used to feel like I was some super special Christian, because of what Christ has done for me. Truth is...Christ had, has, and I pray will have compassion on me, and He's blessed me with a lot of things that I needed, if I was to have a life. I used to be stupid, easily exploited, so now I'm smart enough to do something with my life. I used to balding and I was ridiculed for scarring my follicles, so now I have too much thick, wavy, pretty hair. Seriously: I have Irish girl hair, lol. I used to be laughed at for being sickly and unhealthy. So, Christ made me healthy and even got rid of my terrible premature aging. I mean, I was so old looking...it was like 2x as bad as Lindsay Lohan's premature aging, if that gives you an example to go by.
Even Christians, at least the ones around here, were cruel to me. Pride is a sin, after all. NPD is beyond pride, beyond self-love. To have true NPD is to be imprisoned in Self, usually for reasons beyond your control. To have NPD is to be stigmatized, labeled, drugged, treated as being beyond all hope,and HATED.
So...now, I appear to not have full fledged NPD. The last time I was told my diagnoses, I scored: Bipolar I w/Psychotic Features, OCD, and Narcissistic Traits.
The thing about Narcissistic Traits is that...well...that's treatable, and not just through over priced therapy. My friend Verna's done me a world of good with my narcissistic traits, as have all of you here. Apparently, I tend to be clever, a bit too charming, a bit too aloof, and I'm still somewhat child like, in a clever sort of way. LOL.
So...yeah...work in progress. I've "thawed out" a lot since accepting Christ as my savior. Not that I was intentionally cold, just...well, I had NPD, lol. Now, I don't have to fake empathy, and I don't just go through the motions of being "nice." Its...amazing. I mean, I actually care about people. I think about other people, what their lives are/were like. I can accept a bit of pain as a part of life. I pray for lots of people, often.
I'm still somewhat manipulative, without really trying to be. I find myself saying the right things at the right time, even in prayer. There's still a disconnect, albeit a much smaller one, between what I say, what I know, and what I feel at the inner-most level. Sometimes, I pray to God to help me truly absorb Truth, to be able to feel more things, more intensely (not that feelings are everything...but still...), etc. To not just say things, but truly *know* them, deeply.
OK. This is getting way too long, lol. Point is...NPD destroyed me, which is to say my Self-(love, destruction,absorption, etc.) destroyed me. Until I could finally accept Christ, I was wretched, and most people who knew about my life blamed me. That's the world for you, right? "He did it to himself, let him fix it himself."
I think one reason Christ saved me is so I can encourage Born Again Christians--first here, on this (very helpful, usually pleasant) forum, then later also in real time--to remember compassion. Yes, I know; sin is real and sin must be dealt with, but...
...compassion. Forgiveness. Reconciliation. Transformation. Faith, Hope, and *Love*.
One cool thing about being hopelessly NPD and then being "washed and made clean..." you appreciate life and your humanity more than a lot of people. Its strange. Like, when I actually care about other people, I feel good. When I read about other people and take an interest, get curious, become impressed, think about their lives...it feels good. When I can feel what I imagine to be the full range of human emotions, good and bad, comfortable and not so comfortable, that feels good, too.
Oh, that and the big one...having been trapped in malignant self-love since an early age, then having been set free by Christ...it makes a lot of what Christ has to say much, much more appealing. I think my experiences of choosing Self over everything else, especially Christ, has made and is making me more open to what other people (I try to focus on Born Again Christians) have to say. A lot of sin boils down to choosing Self over God. I lived that, in the extreme, and was saved by Christ. Now, for all my flaws and ongoing sin problems, I think I have things to contribute to the church and society in general. That's huge, for me.
...I'm happy to report that Self is fading into the background. I pray--when I remember to pray for this--for "proper self-love." NPD is distorted self-love. Its above and beyond self-love and pride. Modern shrinks usually focus on CBT, antidepressants, behavioral modification, maybe brief hospitalization, etc. Increasingly, some are turning to DBT, which is like neo-psychoanalysis.
Anyway, NPD apparently tends to start in childhood. Nobody really chooses NPD. Its like this feminist, progressive counselor's website I read...a lot of problems, especially the personality disorders, are borne of trauma and pain.
So, I prayed to God to be healed of narcissism. Then, I realized that in order for that to happen, I had to start agreeing with God on certain key points. Like having been washed and made clean. Like needing Jesus every day, all the time. Like being the creature, not the creator, not the law giver. Like praying for my enemies and loving my enemies as I love my Self.
NPD people who are lucky enough to have time, money, and inclination for in depth therapy make progress. Sometimes, it gets better with age (can also get worse...). This one genius NPD dude, Sam Vakanin (probably misspelled the last name) has made a career out of his narcissism. Speaking of which...
reading that Sam dude's stuff let me see that, at least for me and other NPD people, most secular mental health people don't have much to offer. This dude refers to Jesus as the ultimate narcissist. I guess he prefers complicated psychoanalytic theory. Oh, that and making tons of money writing about NPD.
The older literature spoke of cases of spontaneous healing, religious experiences=healings, gradual development of increasing levels of insight and behavioral change. "Corrective life experiences" sometimes help. That's probably a lot of what led to me becoming a Christian..."corrective life experiences," although the mental health pros behind my "humbling experiences" were sadistic and cruel.
Anyway...point is (and yes, I'm rambling)...NPD is usually a death sentence, especially since NPD is so stigmatized. You develop NPD in childhood, you're stuck with it, secular mental health people treat you like you're defective and useless, and that's it. Stigma, pain, shame, despair, labeling.
That's not how Jesus works! From an early age, I wanted to be someone completely different. Dyed and bleached my hair a lot, did drugs, wore crazy clothes, listened to pretentious music, etc. Ended up: balding, drug addicted and brain damaged, ugly, and hated. Ooops. I finally came to repentance, and...
...I'm smart enough for college-level work, I have too much hair, I've been drug free for years, and people who actually get to know me kinda like me. I'm sometimes even charming
. Everybody says I wanted to be "something special." True enough, to a point. Truth is, I wanted to be someone different, completely different, because even before I met my first shrink, I knew there was *something* wrong with me, fundamentally wrong, that I didn't know how to fix.
So, I finally came to repentance (slow learner...I blame ECT, lol), and God's been quite good to me. NPD starts at a young age, and it usually defines you. I apparently don't meet the criteria for full-fledged NPD. For NPD to resolve, especially NPD of the magnitude I had, is a miracle.
Blah blah blah...I guess I'm just saying that this "die to self daily" thing is the best thing ever for everybody, but especially me, with my past of severe NPD. When I start to get down and frustrated or feel like I'm veering too far off course, I'll close my eyes and envision Christ on the cross. My cousin, he's a corporate type turned Born Again Christian, does all kinds of work for The Kingdom...he told me to focus on "Christ, and Him crucified."
So I do. Or try to, in my better moments. I pray for my enemies, even when it hurts me a bit to do so. I repeat certain verses out loud. I pray to God that He'll open the eyes of my heart, so I can see the world His way, to the extent that I'm capable. I pray for a heart of flesh, not of stone. I pray forgiveness for living in the past, getting stuck in Self. Pray Until Something Happens (PUSH)...
...yes, prayer works. Not immediately, and not how I was expecting, but it works. Increasingly, I accept that I'm a work in progress, with a lot of growing up to do. I accept that I have a lot to learn, and I sometimes pray to be teach-able and receptive to wisdom (should pray for it all the time, but...I have a lot of things I pray for, lol)...
This is a Praise Report, of course. I used to feel like I was some super special Christian, because of what Christ has done for me. Truth is...Christ had, has, and I pray will have compassion on me, and He's blessed me with a lot of things that I needed, if I was to have a life. I used to be stupid, easily exploited, so now I'm smart enough to do something with my life. I used to balding and I was ridiculed for scarring my follicles, so now I have too much thick, wavy, pretty hair. Seriously: I have Irish girl hair, lol. I used to be laughed at for being sickly and unhealthy. So, Christ made me healthy and even got rid of my terrible premature aging. I mean, I was so old looking...it was like 2x as bad as Lindsay Lohan's premature aging, if that gives you an example to go by.
Even Christians, at least the ones around here, were cruel to me. Pride is a sin, after all. NPD is beyond pride, beyond self-love. To have true NPD is to be imprisoned in Self, usually for reasons beyond your control. To have NPD is to be stigmatized, labeled, drugged, treated as being beyond all hope,and HATED.
So...now, I appear to not have full fledged NPD. The last time I was told my diagnoses, I scored: Bipolar I w/Psychotic Features, OCD, and Narcissistic Traits.
The thing about Narcissistic Traits is that...well...that's treatable, and not just through over priced therapy. My friend Verna's done me a world of good with my narcissistic traits, as have all of you here. Apparently, I tend to be clever, a bit too charming, a bit too aloof, and I'm still somewhat child like, in a clever sort of way. LOL.
So...yeah...work in progress. I've "thawed out" a lot since accepting Christ as my savior. Not that I was intentionally cold, just...well, I had NPD, lol. Now, I don't have to fake empathy, and I don't just go through the motions of being "nice." Its...amazing. I mean, I actually care about people. I think about other people, what their lives are/were like. I can accept a bit of pain as a part of life. I pray for lots of people, often.
I'm still somewhat manipulative, without really trying to be. I find myself saying the right things at the right time, even in prayer. There's still a disconnect, albeit a much smaller one, between what I say, what I know, and what I feel at the inner-most level. Sometimes, I pray to God to help me truly absorb Truth, to be able to feel more things, more intensely (not that feelings are everything...but still...), etc. To not just say things, but truly *know* them, deeply.
OK. This is getting way too long, lol. Point is...NPD destroyed me, which is to say my Self-(love, destruction,absorption, etc.) destroyed me. Until I could finally accept Christ, I was wretched, and most people who knew about my life blamed me. That's the world for you, right? "He did it to himself, let him fix it himself."
I think one reason Christ saved me is so I can encourage Born Again Christians--first here, on this (very helpful, usually pleasant) forum, then later also in real time--to remember compassion. Yes, I know; sin is real and sin must be dealt with, but...
...compassion. Forgiveness. Reconciliation. Transformation. Faith, Hope, and *Love*.
One cool thing about being hopelessly NPD and then being "washed and made clean..." you appreciate life and your humanity more than a lot of people. Its strange. Like, when I actually care about other people, I feel good. When I read about other people and take an interest, get curious, become impressed, think about their lives...it feels good. When I can feel what I imagine to be the full range of human emotions, good and bad, comfortable and not so comfortable, that feels good, too.
Oh, that and the big one...having been trapped in malignant self-love since an early age, then having been set free by Christ...it makes a lot of what Christ has to say much, much more appealing. I think my experiences of choosing Self over everything else, especially Christ, has made and is making me more open to what other people (I try to focus on Born Again Christians) have to say. A lot of sin boils down to choosing Self over God. I lived that, in the extreme, and was saved by Christ. Now, for all my flaws and ongoing sin problems, I think I have things to contribute to the church and society in general. That's huge, for me.
