M
momof4
Guest
Hello, everyone,
I'll start by giving the condensed version, and I want to preface by saying that this is really a normal, Christian (or at least striving to be) family: 4 years ago oldest SIL left husband due to prescription drug abuse and later found out about his 5 year affair. She is now a single-mom raising 4 girls and is seeking supervised visitation due to the ex's 2 recent near death experiences with drug abuse and the possible inappropriate touching of his kids.
Now, younger SIL has had affair with 17 year student (not hers) while living with a husband who suffers from grief over losing a parent, chronic illness, and alcoholism (self-medication). This SIL has managed to avoid prosecution thus far as the kid was of age and was a student on a different campus. BIL has made it very clear that he will do everything in his power to see that she goes to jail, thus he has personally contacted all news reporting agencies in the area and "broke" the story. This comes after the DA finds no grounds to prosecute. BTW, there are 2 little girls at the heart of this awful nightmare.
Ok, so I am the DIL/SIL, these are my husband's sisters (thankfully, there are only 2-I'm not sure I could go through this a third time). I've just realized that I am the only in-law left in the family (YIKES). Being that I am a SAHM, I often find myself in the middle of these situations as I am always available to keep kids or help in other ways. I'm getting a deja vu feeling from the situation with the first SIL. MIL and FIL, as much as I love and respect them, are trying to control my SIL's (both of them actually) actions. They believe, as all parents do, that they know best. However, judgement runs rampant in this family (both SIL's have gotten a taste of reality in that area and are becoming less so as a result), and there is a double-standard.
My younger SIL obviously sinned and will have to suffer whatever consequences come from that sin. I don't wish anything bad to happen to her, but the shame and embarrassment (and possible legal ramifications) are unavoidable. My BIL is no different in his actions. Yes, he was drinking heavily. . .yes, he was physically abusive. . .yes, he was negligent in the marriage. . . and yes, he is wrong to try to destroy his children's mother (mind you, he wasn't always this way and underneath the pain is a good person). However, both have sinned. My FIL and MIL, of course, believe my SIL should have minimal consequences as a result of her actions, but both BIL's should be prosecuted and/or punished to the fullest. As an outsider looking in, I see that my BIL and SIL have both been deeply wounded. My SIL had the affair as a result, and my BIL is lashing out in his own way as a result. However, my husband and my FIL had words yesterday about what it means to be a Christian in regards to my BIL's retaliation. I understand my FIL's concern that the BIL will stop at nothing to ruin my SIL, however, the things he is considering doing to my BIL (or attempting to do) are less than Christian. After my DH told my FIL that his thoughts of vengeance were not Christian, my FIL (a pastor, BTW) told him he needed to read his Bible. . ."an eye for an eye", he quoted. My DH informed him of the same but quoted the "turn the other cheek" passage. It is our understanding that sin is to be dealt with in love, not vengeance. I realize that my BIL is probably incapable of accepting that right now, but here are my concerns if my FIL tries to retaliate (or forces my SIL to):
1) My BIL will only become more bitter and unreasonable. His drinking will escalate, and he will stray even further from the Lord.
2) My BIL will most likely never lose visitation of his kids, so this will make it impossible to maintain a civil relationship between him and my SIL. . .this being at the expense of the kids. (Already happened once with older SIL) If your kids are going to have to visit their father, wouldn't you want to have a good enough relationship to develop some trust and communication?
3)Although my BIL, by reporting to the news the situation, probably ruined any chance for reconciliation, my SIL's heart, through my FIL's actions, will be hardened to the point of destroying all chances at even being civil or amicable with BIL, much less reconciliation.
4) These children will be scarred (as has already happened with my older SIL's children) due to being forced to choose between mom and dad, made guilty for loving their father, etc.
My husband and I are stuck here in the middle of this mess, feeling a sense of deja vu as we watch the events unfold. The first time, we mostly supported DH's sister and generally kept our mouths shut as to how she was being manipulated (except for a few times when we told them that she needed to make her own decisions, since SHE would be the one to live with them and be held accountable for them). We watched as she and my FIL stopped speaking for 6 months, and as my nieces were caught in the middle. My DH made a point yesterday when I said it would do no good to say anything. He said it does no good to keep quiet, either. And for the sake of those 2 sweet little girls, maybe he's right. It breaks my heart that they will truly be the victims and that the adults are only out for justice, vengeance, or whatever makes them feel better, all under the guise of doing what is best for the kids. Now, I believe my SIL is hurt and angry, but I believe that she may still have their best interests at heart (at least now that the affair is over). My FIL is another story. . .sadly, he has a history of this behavior and has tried to change over the years. I've recently seen another side to him, and I do love him dearly. But, as with most people, difficult circumstances bring out the worst in us.
I guess my question is. . .how much do we say and how do we offer loving correction? Is it even possible or worth the effort when that person thinks they are experts of the Bible and are never wrong? What do you do when you see a pattern that could very well cost them eternity in Heaven? The Bible is very plain about being judged with the same measure we judge others and that it is God's place to seek vengeance, not ours. I am sincerely trying not to judge, but I don't know what to do when so many relationships are at stake. We want to be Christ-like about this, as in every other area in our lives. Any Christian suggestions for how to deal with someone who is bent on destroying someone else? I believe reasoning and talk are out the window and that prayer may be the only answer. I would just like to be able to offer an alternative to the way my FIL wants to retaliate. He wants to take away BIL's rights to his kids and say that he is an unfit father, which he isn't. That will only hurt the kids. He also mentioned ruining him financially, although I hope he was just popping off and not seriously considering it.
Okay, I usually type these things, re-read it, and delete it, but I'm going ahead here and posting. Please say a prayer for the turmoil our family is going through. It's bad enough that they have to endure the humiliation and embarrassment of a scandal of this magnitude, but to rip apart a family is even worse. It took almost 3 years before everyone was speaking again after the last divorce saga. Thank you for your prayers. . .
I'll start by giving the condensed version, and I want to preface by saying that this is really a normal, Christian (or at least striving to be) family: 4 years ago oldest SIL left husband due to prescription drug abuse and later found out about his 5 year affair. She is now a single-mom raising 4 girls and is seeking supervised visitation due to the ex's 2 recent near death experiences with drug abuse and the possible inappropriate touching of his kids.
Now, younger SIL has had affair with 17 year student (not hers) while living with a husband who suffers from grief over losing a parent, chronic illness, and alcoholism (self-medication). This SIL has managed to avoid prosecution thus far as the kid was of age and was a student on a different campus. BIL has made it very clear that he will do everything in his power to see that she goes to jail, thus he has personally contacted all news reporting agencies in the area and "broke" the story. This comes after the DA finds no grounds to prosecute. BTW, there are 2 little girls at the heart of this awful nightmare.
Ok, so I am the DIL/SIL, these are my husband's sisters (thankfully, there are only 2-I'm not sure I could go through this a third time). I've just realized that I am the only in-law left in the family (YIKES). Being that I am a SAHM, I often find myself in the middle of these situations as I am always available to keep kids or help in other ways. I'm getting a deja vu feeling from the situation with the first SIL. MIL and FIL, as much as I love and respect them, are trying to control my SIL's (both of them actually) actions. They believe, as all parents do, that they know best. However, judgement runs rampant in this family (both SIL's have gotten a taste of reality in that area and are becoming less so as a result), and there is a double-standard.
My younger SIL obviously sinned and will have to suffer whatever consequences come from that sin. I don't wish anything bad to happen to her, but the shame and embarrassment (and possible legal ramifications) are unavoidable. My BIL is no different in his actions. Yes, he was drinking heavily. . .yes, he was physically abusive. . .yes, he was negligent in the marriage. . . and yes, he is wrong to try to destroy his children's mother (mind you, he wasn't always this way and underneath the pain is a good person). However, both have sinned. My FIL and MIL, of course, believe my SIL should have minimal consequences as a result of her actions, but both BIL's should be prosecuted and/or punished to the fullest. As an outsider looking in, I see that my BIL and SIL have both been deeply wounded. My SIL had the affair as a result, and my BIL is lashing out in his own way as a result. However, my husband and my FIL had words yesterday about what it means to be a Christian in regards to my BIL's retaliation. I understand my FIL's concern that the BIL will stop at nothing to ruin my SIL, however, the things he is considering doing to my BIL (or attempting to do) are less than Christian. After my DH told my FIL that his thoughts of vengeance were not Christian, my FIL (a pastor, BTW) told him he needed to read his Bible. . ."an eye for an eye", he quoted. My DH informed him of the same but quoted the "turn the other cheek" passage. It is our understanding that sin is to be dealt with in love, not vengeance. I realize that my BIL is probably incapable of accepting that right now, but here are my concerns if my FIL tries to retaliate (or forces my SIL to):
1) My BIL will only become more bitter and unreasonable. His drinking will escalate, and he will stray even further from the Lord.
2) My BIL will most likely never lose visitation of his kids, so this will make it impossible to maintain a civil relationship between him and my SIL. . .this being at the expense of the kids. (Already happened once with older SIL) If your kids are going to have to visit their father, wouldn't you want to have a good enough relationship to develop some trust and communication?
3)Although my BIL, by reporting to the news the situation, probably ruined any chance for reconciliation, my SIL's heart, through my FIL's actions, will be hardened to the point of destroying all chances at even being civil or amicable with BIL, much less reconciliation.
4) These children will be scarred (as has already happened with my older SIL's children) due to being forced to choose between mom and dad, made guilty for loving their father, etc.
My husband and I are stuck here in the middle of this mess, feeling a sense of deja vu as we watch the events unfold. The first time, we mostly supported DH's sister and generally kept our mouths shut as to how she was being manipulated (except for a few times when we told them that she needed to make her own decisions, since SHE would be the one to live with them and be held accountable for them). We watched as she and my FIL stopped speaking for 6 months, and as my nieces were caught in the middle. My DH made a point yesterday when I said it would do no good to say anything. He said it does no good to keep quiet, either. And for the sake of those 2 sweet little girls, maybe he's right. It breaks my heart that they will truly be the victims and that the adults are only out for justice, vengeance, or whatever makes them feel better, all under the guise of doing what is best for the kids. Now, I believe my SIL is hurt and angry, but I believe that she may still have their best interests at heart (at least now that the affair is over). My FIL is another story. . .sadly, he has a history of this behavior and has tried to change over the years. I've recently seen another side to him, and I do love him dearly. But, as with most people, difficult circumstances bring out the worst in us.
I guess my question is. . .how much do we say and how do we offer loving correction? Is it even possible or worth the effort when that person thinks they are experts of the Bible and are never wrong? What do you do when you see a pattern that could very well cost them eternity in Heaven? The Bible is very plain about being judged with the same measure we judge others and that it is God's place to seek vengeance, not ours. I am sincerely trying not to judge, but I don't know what to do when so many relationships are at stake. We want to be Christ-like about this, as in every other area in our lives. Any Christian suggestions for how to deal with someone who is bent on destroying someone else? I believe reasoning and talk are out the window and that prayer may be the only answer. I would just like to be able to offer an alternative to the way my FIL wants to retaliate. He wants to take away BIL's rights to his kids and say that he is an unfit father, which he isn't. That will only hurt the kids. He also mentioned ruining him financially, although I hope he was just popping off and not seriously considering it.
Okay, I usually type these things, re-read it, and delete it, but I'm going ahead here and posting. Please say a prayer for the turmoil our family is going through. It's bad enough that they have to endure the humiliation and embarrassment of a scandal of this magnitude, but to rip apart a family is even worse. It took almost 3 years before everyone was speaking again after the last divorce saga. Thank you for your prayers. . .
:D
