Finally working, but it seems as though my wife doesn't want to do any housework

[Boidae21]

This is NOT an unusual scenario. I'm going to hazard a guess and say you're both under 30?


I have an excercise for you.

1. Draw a pyramid style triangle on a piece of paper.
2. Put a 'G' at the top for God.
3. Put a 'W' in one bottom corner for Wife.
4. Put an 'H' in the other bottom corner for Husband.

Now modern marriage counselling is going to say you have to work with each other to resolve your problem. Some say you have to go more than half way, some say to go half way. You seem to think you are doing what 80 - 90% ?
OK so whatever the % is that you feel it should be or you want it to be, make a vertical line at the point on the bottom line of the pyrimid where you think that % should be. Now on either side of that line, put the W and H to represent who is responsible for what %. So it may look like the following;

_______________________________H|W__________________
​

So this would appear to be 60% for you and 40% for your wife. It's an example, but let's say you and her agree to this? Do you see anything problematic here?

...to be continued after you respond.

Actually, I am 37 and she is 30.

I am trying to figure out what you're saying with this pyramid thing.

 

[DarkHorseRising]

So you're saying that she shouldn't have to do anything in the home?

When she's pregnant with your child and suffering from a serious neurological disorder, yeah, you very well might end up doing the vast majority of the housework.

I'm sorry, but just sandwiches and pizza are not good for you when you eat them the majority of the time. I'm not a teenager anymore. When I was a teenager, eating that would be fine. This is no longer the case.

Actually they can be just fine if you vary the ingredients, particularly sandwiches/wraps where you control what is put in them. Having said that, if you want a 5 star meal, you could always check the local gourmet section of the newspaper.

Not going to hire a local teenager to come in and do housework. I'm not going to pay someone else to do what can be done by those living in the house.

Except that it isn't, but if you don't want to do it yourself, don't want to hire someone to do it, and your wife is in too much pain to do it then you need to accept that it may simply not get done.

I already said that I'm not expecting her to do it all, but at least meeting me somewhere in the middle is an option which she is choosing not to do. On the days where she isn't not having a bad day which is more days than bad, she can do more than sit and watch TV or go out with her friends. If she is able to go out with her friends that day, there is no reason why she couldn't do a couple things around the apartment.

Did you discuss the sharing of household chores before marriage?

If all else fails, let the house fall into total bedlam and see whose will breaks first.

 

[Boidae21]

When she's pregnant with your child and suffering from a serious neurological disorder, yeah, you very well might end up doing the vast majority of the housework.



Actually they can be just fine if you vary the ingredients, particularly sandwiches/wraps where you control what is put in them. Having said that, if you want a 5 star meal, you could always check the local gourmet section of the newspaper.



Except that it isn't, but if you don't want to do it yourself, don't want to hire someone to do it, and your wife is in too much pain to do it then you need to accept that it may simply not get done.



Did you discuss the sharing of household chores before marriage?

If all else fails, let the house fall into total bedlam and see whose will breaks first.

You are reading into things that just aren't there and making me out to be the bad guy because I want my wife to handle some of the responsibilities completely ignoring the fact that if she is well enough to go out with friends, then she is well enough to do some stuff around the house.

She is not in constant pain for starters. Nor did I ever say that she is in constant pain. That is more Fibromyalgia than MS, although MS can give her some pain, it's not constant. She deals with some numbness in her limbs, but not enough to debilitate her.

I also never said I wasn't going to do anything. I want her to share the responsibility with me when she is able to. In the past few weeks she has been able enough to go out with friends, but do nothing around the home.

Also, her MS is mostly in remission because of the pregnancy. She is not suffering from the effects of the MS as much as she did when she wasn't pregnant. Even when she wasn't pregnant, unless she was having a bad day, you would never know she had MS when you didn't know her.

I'm not looking for a five star meal, plus I would never eat a five star meal, hyperbole much?

Either stop the hyperbole or find a different thread to respond to.

 

[Boidae21]

Why am I being made out to be the bad guy because I want my wife to share in the responsibilities of the household?

I have never once said that I want her barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. I have said that I will still do a share of the housework, yet somehow I am the bad guy?

 

[reba]

Why am I being made out to be the bad guy because I want my wife to share in the responsibilities of the household?

I have never once said that I want her barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. I have said that I will still do a share of the housework, yet somehow I am the bad guy?

Your not the bad guy... and she is having her baby, as well as your baby.

I am one for chores first then the free time is really free. Things should be neat except for the computer desk....:eeeekkk

Continue to love your wife try and let the house work go...

 

[Thirstyone]

Why am I being made out to be the bad guy because I want my wife to share in the responsibilities of the household?

I have never once said that I want her barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. I have said that I will still do a share of the housework, yet somehow I am the bad guy?

I hope I did not come off sounding like I think you are the bad guy, because I don't think that.

I think it is important to have good communication between couples and a desire to work together for the benefit of both. It sounds like you did talk to her and she thinks you can still do it. (don't keep doing it all)

Stan's idea would work if your wife would work with you.

 

[Boidae21]

I hope I did not come off sounding like I think you are the bad guy, because I don't think that.

I think it is important to have good communication between couples and a desire to work together for the benefit of both. It sounds like you did talk to her and she thinks you can still do it. (don't keep doing it all)

Stan's idea would work if your wife would work with you.

I was mainly speaking of DarkHorseRising.

It seems to me she thinks that my wife shouldn't be doing anything at all, even though most days she can indeed do stuff, but chooses not to.

 

[Stan53]

Actually, I am 37 and she is 30.

I am trying to figure out what you're saying with this pyramid thing.

Did you go as far ask I directed you to do?

 

[Boidae21]

Did you go as far ask I directed you to do?

I don't understand what it is we're supposed to do in order for me to get that far.

Either way, she doesn't want to do it. She is still steaming from our argument last night and doesn't want to deal with this issue at this time.

 

[Stan53]

I don't understand what it is we're supposed to do in order for me to get that far.

Either way, she doesn't want to do it. She is still steaming from our argument last night and doesn't want to deal with this issue at this time.

It wasn't for her to do...it was for you to do. I am trying to show you something but you apparently want to know the end of the book first. You asked for feedback and I'm trying to give it to you. It's much easier doing this in person but I can't here.
If you don't want my input just say so.

 

[Boidae21]

It wasn't for her to do...it was for you to do. I am trying to show you something but you apparently want to know the end of the book first. You asked for feedback and I'm trying to give it to you. It's much easier doing this in person but I can't here.
If you don't want my input just say so.

I do want your input, but I'm not understanding what you're wanting me to do or maybe I do. I have a pyramid and at the top it says God, and the bottom line has me and my wife. The % is at 85% - 15%, me to her.

 

[joethemechanic]

I seem to remember being in a situation something like this back when I was married. The difference being that she was healthy. She wouldn't clean, not even one bit. No amount of counseling or stuff you put on paper changed things. She just let the house go totally.

I wish I had an answer for you. Unfortunately my marriage ended and her refusing to do any housework was a big part of the reason. I tried just letting things go too, but the place started to look like an episode of Hoarders

 

[Boidae21]

I seem to remember being in a situation something like this back when I was married. The difference being that she was healthy. She wouldn't clean, not even one bit. No amount of counseling or stuff you put on paper changed things. She just let the house go totally.

I wish I had an answer for you. Unfortunately my marriage ended and her refusing to do any housework was a big part of the reason. I tried just letting things go too, but the place started to look like an episode of Hoarders

That's what bothers me. If I let it go, we can run the risk of being kicked out of our apartment. We live in low income apartments and they inspect every couple of months. Thing is, they aren't clockwork with it and you never know when the notice will show up that they are inspecting the next day with less than 12 hours notice.

If I left the house go, it would be me who has to clean it all up so that we don't get kicked out of our home.

 

[Stan53]

I do want your input, but I'm not understanding what you're wanting me to do or maybe I do. I have a pyramid and at the top it says God, and the bottom line has me and my wife. The % is at 85% - 15%, me to her.

OK good...so now you're together with your wife on a hypothetical agreement.
The one problem is that GOD isn't with you. He's way above you at the top.
What you BOTH need to do is focus on your relationship with Him and walk towards Him. Sooner or later you will BOTH get to Him and to each other at the same place, the way God designed marraige to be.

Get it...does this help you see the perspective you BOTH need?

Sorry if I aggravated you, but you needed to see this.
God Bless both of you.

 

[Boidae21]

OK good...so now you're together with your wife on a hypothetical agreement.
The one problem is that GOD isn't with you. He's way above you at the top.
What you BOTH need to do is focus on your relationship with Him and walk towards Him. Sooner or later you will BOTH get to Him and to each other at the same place, the way God designed marraige to be.

Get it...does this help you see the perspective you BOTH need?

Sorry if I aggravated you, but you needed to see this.
God Bless both of you.

I had a feeling that is where you were headed with the pyramid thing.

It is a lot easier said then done. I can work on me, but that doesn't mean she'll work on herself.

 

[Stan53]

I had a feeling that is where you were headed with the pyramid thing.

It is a lot easier said then done. I can work on me, but that doesn't mean she'll work on herself.

Yes I agree, but that is NOT your problem, it is her's. Husband and wife have their OWN responsibilties in a marriage. They are NOT conditional on the other fulfilling their's. Do this pyramid thing with her and she how she takes it. Pray before you do it. God wants your marriage to succeed, but He will NOT force your wife, or you, to do anything. It is up to each of you to make the choice, just like salvation.
You both have to want to save the marriage but the responsibilties are on your own shoulders, NOT each others. Read Matthew 6:33-34;

But seek first his kingdom <sup class="crossreference" value='(AJ)'></sup> and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
​

 

[joethemechanic]

That's what bothers me. If I let it go, we can run the risk of being kicked out of our apartment. We live in low income apartments and they inspect every couple of months. Thing is, they aren't clockwork with it and you never know when the notice will show up that they are inspecting the next day with less than 12 hours notice.

If I left the house go, it would be me who has to clean it all up so that we don't get kicked out of our home.

My ex let things go so badly that I would only eat from the refrigerator in the garage. I kept the garage locked so nobody could make a filthy mess of it like the house was. I was afraid to even let anyone in the house for fear that they would report us and take the kids away. It was that bad. She just didn't seem to understand how bad it was. And believe me, I'm no neat freak. I'm talking piles of wet diapers on the bathroom floor and plates with half eaten food laying around until it was green with mold.

Really I feel for you. We were about the same age as you guys are at the time.

 

[felix]

We are both Christians, we believe in mutual submission, but it seems as though I am the one that's doing all the submitting.

You said the problem yourself. Being a Christian let me ask you ONE verse for mutual submission inside marriage according to Scriptures?

Refer Roles for Husbands & Wives in Marriage

(Eph 5:22-24) Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so [let] the wives [be] to their own husbands in everything.

Christ and Church don't mutually decide. Christ will listen but not obey the church. Christ is NOT under Church. There is no 100% partnership. It is unbibical to even consider church to be an equal partner with Christ.
Just as the women was created as a helper to man, so are we to His service.
Just as the man rule over women, so are we under the reign of Christ in His Kingdom.

Christ is the head of the church and man is the head of the woman. If man forgets this, then he is not following scripture but trying to fit his culture into Bible.

Just as Christ died for His church out of love, every man should love his wife the same way. Just as we, the church submit to Christ in everything, every wife must submit to His husband in everything the same way. This is the biblical truth that every married person both men and women must understand to have a long lasting happy married life.

This does not mean both shouldn't discuss. Does the church not discuss her needs and concerns with Christ? Yes of course. Christ is very eager to listen to what His wife says and will do it IF it pleases Him. However, Church cannot make Christ to obey her or reject what Christ had decided to do.

We have also read christian books such as "Love and Respect," The 5 Love Languages," and "Sacred Marriage." They too didn't seem to help at all. We discovered that I was doing my wife's love language already and that she needed to do more of mine, but she refuses to do so.

You should have read the Bible. All these books are nonsense twisting scripture to fit culture for marketing into Church.

As you have judged your wife that she can do some work and you are already doing it most of the time, she is just taking advantage of you and making you submit to her. Don't be like Easu despising the authority God had given you over your wife.

Please note that, you doing all the work and make her rest out of love is entirely different from she making you work in the name of love - the latter must be strongly rebuked.

 

[Boidae21]

You said the problem yourself. Being a Christian let me ask you ONE verse for mutual submission inside marriage according to Scriptures?

Refer Roles for Husbands & Wives in Marriage

(Eph 5:22-24) Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so [let] the wives [be] to their own husbands in everything.





You should have read the Bible. All these books are nonsense twisting scripture to fit culture for marketing into Church.

As you have judged your wife that she can do some work and you are already doing it most of the time, she is just taking advantage of you and making you submit to her. Don't be like Easu despising the authority God had given you over your wife.

Please note that, you doing all the work and make her rest out of love is entirely different from she making you work in the name of love - the latter must be strongly rebuked.

I will respond to this one time and one time only. After this response I will no longer respond to anything regarding wife only submission vs. mutual submission.

It is my belief that Ephesians 5:21 was never meant to be excluded from Ephesians 5:22-33. It was always meant to be included. My wife is not excluded from submission from me just because she is my wife. We are called to submit one to another. Not one to another unless the other person is your wife.

Ephesians 5:21 lays the groundwork for 5:22-33. Ephesians 5:22-33 is how submission is to be carried out by both genders in the marriage covenant.

That is my one and only response regarding submission in marriage. This is definitely one area where I will not be changing my beliefs.

 

[Stan53]

You should have read the Bible. All these books are nonsense twisting scripture to fit culture for marketing into Church.
As you have judged your wife that she can do some work and you are already doing it most of the time, she is just taking advantage of you and making you submit to her. Don't be like Easu despising the authority God had given you over your wife.
Please note that, you doing all the work and make her rest out of love is entirely different from she making you work in the name of love - the latter must be strongly rebuked.

Felix I'm not really sure exactly what your point is here. Husbands, are to love our wives, as Christ loves His church. Christ doesn't judge his bride. His bride needs to be prepared. What the husband's responsibilty in marriage is, is his alone. It is NOT dependant of what the wife does or doesn't do, and the reverse is true as well. Rebuking a wife who does not or will not recognize her responsibility in a marriage is like throwing pearls to swine.