Forgiving a friend

[handy]

This is probably going to be a post that more women will understand than men, but here goes...

My daughter, who is 13, has had a "best friend" for years. However, the friendship has had it's ups and downs over the years.

Now, I truly believe that the friendship needs to end. The girl did something pretty egregious. Unfortunately, it is part of the same bullying that was happening earlier this year against my daughter, and the girl who was part of the bullying may very well be at the back of the falling out between my daughter and her friend.

The bully girl is who she is, and I've already spoken with her parents until I'm blue in the face. Although she and my daughter were once friends years ago, I doubt if they ever will be again, nor do I wish her to pursue it. My daughter did apologize to her for her part in an incident over a year ago. Two days after the apology, suddenly out of the blue, my daughter's best friend came up to a group of girls, including my daughter and the bully girl, gave the bully girl a big hug, skipped my daughter, hugged the other two girls and then proceeded to tell the group these outrageous lies in order to humiliate my daughter, with Viola standing right there. Viola has no idea whatsoever what prompted her best friend to act this way, her attempts to contact her went unanswered. So, Viola sent a private message to her via Facebook, and tonight her best friend de-friended her without explanation.

I had a falling out with a best friend when I was in high school, but there was no real sin involved, my friend just simply sort of "moved on". That happens, and we drifted apart. But, I have never had a friend treat me the way my daughter was treated. She was certainly sinned against, without any reason or explanation, by someone who had just a few days earlier called my daughter her "sister forever" and told her how much she loved her, because my daughter supported her during a break up with a boyfriend.

So, as a parent trying to instill Christian values in my daughter, how do I handle this?

I'm trying to keep in mind how young all these girls are, including "bully girl". I'm trying to keep in mind how we are to forgive, even up to 70 x 7 times. I'm trying to keep in mind that my daughter's best friend lives with her grandparents and really isn't closely watched, and also that I have a love for this girl myself, as I've known her since before she entered school.

But, I'm also thinking about the fact that my daughter doesn't need friends like this. Her "bff" has caused some problems for my daughter in the past. But, it was more "playground" stuff and I've encouraged my daughter to forgive her friend and work to restore the friendship. For the past two years, the two of them have been very close, not a problem at all between them. During the worst of the bullying, she was very supportive of Viola and Viola even expressed to me that she couldn't have made it through that time without the support of her friend.

Now, this. Not only does Viola not need someone who would purposely and publicly humiliate her for no reason, I also don't like what kind of person her "bff" is turning into. Quite frankly, if she was someone that my daughter had just met, and I knew the kind of girl she was, I would actually forbid my daughter from being friends with her.

But, they have been friends, for better and for worse, for 8 years now.

Any thoughts here? I just don't really know exactly what would be best...to encourage Viola to try to repair this friendship once again, in spite of how egregious the sin was, or encourage my daughter to move on, as she does have other friends, including a great girl who goes to our church. And, what does forgiveness look like, if it doesn't involve restoration of the friendship?

 

[lone_pilgrim]

This is a classic case of jealousy. I have no doubt in my mind that the bully will make your daughter's world a living hell in the future. PM me if you want personal stories.

My sixteen year old sister is experiencing something very similar at the moment. It has left her both depressed and isolated. I think that you are fighting a losing battle with the parents and it is best to tell your daughter to walk away from such situations. Children can be very cruel and the scars of bullying stay with you all your life. At 22, I remember who bullied me in vivid detail ten plus years ago.

Pray that the relationship will end completely and get her involved in other activities. Even if she has to spend more time with you and your husband that will be better for her in the long run; however, you must still forgive the girl even though you end the friendship.

That's my opinion.

 

[handy]

Thank you, lone-pilgrim. I appreciate your thoughts. My heart really is torn on this. One part of me wants to protect my daughter from any further grief and just keep her away from these girls. However, I also am wanting to just call her former best friend and ask her just what is up with her dropping a friendship of 8 years, with no explanation whatsoever.

 

[Danus]

Thank you, lone-pilgrim. I appreciate your thoughts. My heart really is torn on this. One part of me wants to protect my daughter from any further grief and just keep her away from these girls. However, I also am wanting to just call her former best friend and ask her just what is up with her dropping a friendship of 8 years, with no explanation whatsoever.

As a man I can't quite relate. Male friendships don't work quite like female friendships, but I recall a time when I lost several friends for doing something that may have shown weakness and disloyalty to my buddies at the time.

Seems one of my running pals had engaged a fight with a new kid I was introducing to the group. As boys did then, there was a time and a place for physical altercation, but my running buddy had spent quite a bit of time reaffirming loyalties with the rest of the guys leading up to the scheduled fight.

When the time came for fist to fly, my new friend was no match for the stocky strength of my longer time bud. He lost, and conceded the match. We where all supposed to ride off together on our bikes, and leave the new kid there. I stayed. I was the only one to stay.

I helped David up and walked him home knowing that even though I may have done something honorable and kind to the new kid, I was in hot water with my friends. However, I owed David that.

They did confront me and I said my peace. "You where wrong"; I said. "David is a cool kid and you just started a fight with him because he's new and you felt threatened. I don't owe you anything for what I did." The other boys respected me, but it was never quite the same. David moved away a year latter.

In a way, that's what this girl did to your daughter. She reaffirmed loyalties with the other girls to make sure they would support her before she turned on your daughter. It could be that your daughter is on the out side of the group now, with the bully girl as the ring leader.

If your daughter owes an apology then she should offer it, but not in return for a friendship. Every relationship is an investment into the account of that relationship. We credit and debit said accounts, but in the end we are only responsible for what we owe the accounts we open. Forgiveness is simply reconciling an account. Some of those accounts can just be too expensive to keep, and should be closed. Sometimes the other person rips us off, doesn't pay their debts, and therefore we should closed their account.

The bank never cries over a lost or bad customer, they just get a new one. What does your daughter say about this?

 

[lone_pilgrim]

Thank you, lone-pilgrim. I appreciate your thoughts. My heart really is torn on this. One part of me wants to protect my daughter from any further grief and just keep her away from these girls. However, I also am wanting to just call her former best friend and ask her just what is up with her dropping a friendship of 8 years, with no explanation whatsoever.

Perhaps it is because I'm so young, but I remember this happening with a LOT of girls around the time they hit puberty. It happened to me, but I think that the reason was a lot of girls didn't want to be around me because I hadn't developed. They felt that I looked like a child and many of them starting wanting attention from guys! Ironically, many people were jealous of me then - and boy was I ugly!

Girls are very catty and driven by competition. Just look at how TV portrays both teens and women. They are always trying to one up each other and compete for who is prettier than the other.

Honestly, you could call her up but I doubt she will be able to give you a logical explanation because at 13 she is really just acting her age.

It is very sad to have to watch your daughter lose her best friend, but I promise you that in time it will be the best thing for her. Bullying stays with you for life.

 

[Mike]

Great, I have to follow Danus. This is like the main act introducing the opening act - people start heading for the doors. :gah

Dora, knowing you as well as I do, I feel I know the answer, but I have to ask it anyway. Have you asked what Viola's part in this could have been? Is there any possibility that her friend could be telling her parents a different sequence of events?

Here's my observation of a difference between girls and boys. I went through something similar with my best friend down the street who I played with since we were old enough. This came to an abrupt end at one point around 5th grade. It took me a few days, but I moved on and spent time with other kids. Several years later, we were brought back together with even a stronger friendship. Girls seem to take this to heart more than boys. They're much more sensitive. I know you've said elsewhere that she's shrugged this off, so this sounds like it's more an issue of your response. (the mother hen) My suggestion would be, as hard as it is, to let life go on. Kids that age are always jockeying to be held in esteem by their peers. You see it as they get older and in higher grades, the kids form smaller circles, and these circles don't always have the old friends they grew up with.

My son went to a new school where he knew no-one except 1 other boy who came from his same Christian school. They massaged their schedules to get in all the classes they could together and ended up in 1. It's been 3 months now, and they seamlessly gravitated to new friends. They hardly talk to each other anymore. There's no hard feelings. They just found new friends. I think this is natural around this age.

I pray that she will find friends who will fill the void her friend left, and she will be surrounded by new friends who will be there for her, and she for them.

 

[handy]

Thanks for the responses.

Danus, what my daughter says about this is that she forgives the girl, but won't be friends ever again.

LP, I can relate...I wasn't one of the beauty queens myself, and the friend I mentioned before who dumped me, did so to be part of the "poplar crowd" which I was certainly not in.

Now, Viola is quite pretty and not only that, she is very at ease around boys and not only gets along well with the boys as friends, she never has any lack of guys who want to be her boyfriend. However, her former best friend is quite a pretty girl as well, and also has plenty of boyfriends. But, Viola also let me know that her former "bff" also likes to take boyfriends away from other girls, that she has done this before. The lies she told the other girls in front of Viola were along this line, except that Viola knew they were lies, so it didn't impact her relationship with the guy in question.

As far as whether or not Viola could have done something to set this off, no. I could go into a long explanation of a time-line here to prove it, but y'all know me well enough to know that when I say that I'm positive that Viola didn't do anything to cause her best friend to turn on her, it's because I can be sure she didn't.

But Mike you're right...I'm not as concerned about her being able to make friends, she already has made several friends at her new school, in spite of the bullying. I'm far more concerned with the fact that Viola tends to keep relationships at a shallow level. This is due, I believe, to the fact that she was bounced around to so many different foster homes, that she is diagnosed with attachment disorder. It has the potential to interfere with her ability to develop deep personal relationships. Through a lot of love, she has gone "deep" with Steve, Thomas, her grandparents and myself. She also is very deep with the "grocery boy". Her bff was the only other person in her life that she was deep with. And, it bothers me that she is jettisoning the relationship with nary a backward glance. Now, to be sure, what her "best friend" did was really egregious, and it involved violating the trust that Viola had in her because she was "deep" with her. But, if my best friend did something like this to me, I would have cried buckets. Viola just wrote her off.

Part of me wants the jettison. Part of me thinks it's healthy that she would jettison anyone who treated her as badly as she did. But, I still worry that it isn't natural to shrug off a close friendship of 8 years, without some pangs.

As I mentioned before, she did say that she forgives her, but that she won't be friends again. And, she said it pretty much in the same tone of voice that she would use in telling me what she'd like for dinner or what she's going to wear to school. If one didn't know better, one would think that she had only known this girl since the beginning of the school year, not for 8 years, well more than half her life. She was angry when it happened, and she's not angry anymore, she just moved on so completely and so quickly.

I guess what I was looking for here was whether or not it really is OK for her to jettison the relationship, and from what I'm gathering, y'all think it is.

It's hard for me to know sometimes when to be "hands on" and when to stand back. I guess this is just one of those situations in which I need to stand back.

 

[Mike]

Here's a side note that I believe can hurt girls of this age - all this bff stuff. We always encourage/tell our daughters not to use this acronym with other girls. I might be making more of it than it is. Maybe it's like saying "buddy" or something, but I think she should be more sensitive to girls that don't get the bff handed to them as often or ever. Guys never say that, so I don't have to worry about our son. :D

I'll probably get slapped on the wrist for this here, but we broke down and got our 12 year old a cell phone.
1 - she was starting to be dropped off at places with her friends
2 - it was very inexpensive to add to our family plan

So I read her texts online and it's bff this, bff that, besteeee... I just don't like it, and neither does my wife. :bigfrown There are so many hormones and sensitive feelings with girls around this age, and this is something she can actively do to avoid making certain girls feel like outcasts.

We've shared that our adopted foster girls (I said that to put this in perspective for others. They are OUR DAUGHTERS.) have attachment disorders. It's interesting that this manifests itself in opposite ways. Our 12 y.o. puts up walls around us but has very close friends. Our 9 y.o. is very loving and clingy (almost to a fault) with us, but she is a loner at school. Her teachers have always noticed when they break for recess or something, she will go off on her own. When she asks them to get into groups or pairs, she doesn't seek anyone out. She'll wait to be chosen and often be not be. Her teacher said she is very well liked, but she needs to show more initiative.

I didn't say all this to put the focus on my girls, but maybe Viola and our Claire & Bethany will work these things out. I pray they do. Viola has always sounded like she was very mature for her age. Is there a chance that she is just handling this more adult-like than a typical girl her age? From the time I was a young adult, I understood that people will come and go in different phases of life. It's good to have friends that you can reflect a lifetime of memories with, but I don't think it's necessary.

 

[barelohim]

You know Jesus had friends that deserted Him as well. They misunderstood Him, and were jealous of Him, talked evil of Him,etc... But Jesus had something, that every christian is to have, which is an intimate relationship with His best friend and source of enablement, the Holy Spirit. His life didn't depend, or rest on what people thought but on what His Father thought.

Forgiveness is not just something a christian does 70/7, but it is what a christian is TO BE! The enablement TO BE, Love, patience, long suffering, etc, is not something we are to try to do, but to allow the One who IS, to manifest in us, through us, and to us, that which is Christ in us..

We, too often, allow our flesh to get in the way of His responding in us, and through us.

And as far as male christians not understanding female emotions, this is something sorely lacking in the body of Christ... Since we are called the Bride of Christ, then the males had better come to understand the female qualities, and characteristics...

God made man in His image and likeness, and out of man he made woman. Therefore God has both characteristics. And if God be in us, we had better come to know both natures....in ourselves...

Barelohim.

 

[handy]

Barelohim, thanks for your thoughts here...yes, I'm glad that my daughter had developed a relationship with God first and foremost, it certainly is why she is able to forgive, and has kept her going through what has shaped up to be a brutal year socially.

Mike, I do think that the "best friend" relationship is far more important to girls/women than to boys/men. It need not necessarily be a life-long relationship, but it is a very close relationship, even closer than that of sister many times. Since Viola cannot have any kind of relationship with her sisters, her best friend has been even more important to her.

Because girls are so apt to be both meaner than boys, and at the same time more sensitive than boys, having that "best friend" tends to be the one buffer socially. So, when your best friend turns on you, it can be really bad.

You're right in that Viola does tend to be more mature than a lot of girls her age...although she can flip back and forth from being young lady to tom boy to little girl at the speed of light. But, in her handling of others, she does seem to operate at a mature level. I was also thinking about how her earlier losses in life might have helped her learn how to deal with loss better than most kids her age as well.

At any rate, it's been three days now since the FB "de-friending" and she really does seem fine.

btw, no slaps from me about the phone, we got Viola one when she was 11, because that was when she started going to school out of town, sleeping over at people's houses that we didn't know all that well, and being picked up from school from others besides me. So, yes, we certainly wanted her to have a phone.

 

[Danus]

Great, I have to follow Danus. This is like the main act introducing the opening act - people start heading for the doors. :gah

Not even. I can't count the times you beat me to the punch leaving me with nothing to add.

Thanks for the responses.

Danus, what my daughter says about this is that she forgives the girl, but won't be friends ever again.

Handy, It sounds like your daughter has a good attitude about this despite the hurt involved. I know how you feel though.

We want to be there for our kids so much. Sometimes we just want to step in and take over, or take on all their situations to spare and guild them. That's the mark of good Christian parenting I think, and I can see your stepping back only because you know you kind of have to. ;)

I'm sure I'm in for it big time in the coming years. Heck I cried (or I should say my allergies got to me) when my oldest went from a crib to a big-girl bed...and I'm A MAN! Just didn't want her falling off that new toddler bed 6 inches off the floor.

 

[handy]

Thanks, Danus...that was really encouraging. Almost makes up for ruining my Thanksgiving!

Seriously, you're right, I do need to step back. She's handling it, and I guess since she's a teenager, I'll have to step back more and more and let her handle things.

Heck I cried (or I should say my allergies got to me) when my oldest went from a crib to a big-girl bed...and I'm A MAN! Just didn't want her falling off that new toddler bed 6 inches off the floor.

This is exactly why we girls need best friends much more than guys do. We girls need, (and I do mean need) to talk over things, analyze things from every angle, or just vent about things. However, when we do this with our men...why they just jump right in and get all over-protective. Sometimes I just want to have a sounding board, but I can't with Steve because he'll either start to try to "fix" things or, if he can't, he'll get all allergic! ;)

 

[Danus]

I know what you mean. I've been trying not to be mr. fix it for some time. Getting better.

My wife and I work pretty well together in this regard. We both suffer from A-type personality disorder, which causes us to, not only form strong opinions, but to voice them as well; sometimes to complete strangers.

Our oldest daughter is little miss serious over achiever, and our youngest is free spirit working on becoming a rock star or something. Both have some inherited traits, but they are very much themselves.

My oldest has one very close friend and a few acquaintances, while my youngest "emulates and projects" personality to fit her needs, and has one real close friend that happens to be little mis all that at school.....hum. She's only buddies with her in hopes that a little bit of that "all That" juice will rub off on her, and I guess it has as far as her popularity at school.

She's the one I'm most concerned with for obvious reasons, but I'm not taking my eye off the other one either. Get this; ....her "all that" friend will be moving to Malaysia come spring. Her dad got a new job VP of some logistics deal there. I asked my youngest how she felt about that, and if she was sad or wanted to talk about it........ready...in her own voice; "I'm not sad daddy. I'll miss Alisha, but when she leaves I'll sort of take over, you know, at school and all." ....OMG! You see? You see what I'm dealing with? She's 7 and already displaying this nature. Pray for me.

 

[Mike]

"I'm not sad daddy. I'll miss Alisha, but when she leaves I'll sort of take over, you know, at school and all."

"Dad. I've got it all under control. It's all part of the plan." :rolling

 

[Danus]

"Dad. I've got it all under control. It's all part of the plan." :rolling

I know, right? Isn't it amazing though how the nature of man can be seen even in our children sometimes.

They scheme and lie like little sinners. I know that's strong language, but they are totally unaware of themselves. I'm convinced we do not need to fear this however. I'm convinced we can wait, love and teach them about themselves with their own selves. ;)

 

[handy]

I asked my youngest how she felt about that, and if she was sad or wanted to talk about it........ready...in her own voice; "I'm not sad daddy. I'll miss Alisha, but when she leaves I'll sort of take over, you know, at school and all." ....OMG! You see? You see what I'm dealing with? She's 7 and already displaying this nature. Pray for me.

Oh I hear you! When Viola was fitting in at her 6th grade school, she immediately tried to fit in with the "poplar" clique. Well, they didn't welcome her with open arms. She went through a period of adjusting to who was poplar and who wasn't at her new school and wound up making friends with some girls who weren't all that poplar. I asked her how things were going and she said, "I don't care if they (poplar girls) aren't my friends. I'll just make my friends poplar."

I was like :o. I couldn't believe that she would have the chutzpah to even say such a thing. But, the thing is, once they were all in junior high, she and her friends were one of the most poplar groups at the school. When we stay down at the house in the town where her former junior high school is, you wouldn't believe all the kids and all the boys that come over. Even after we pulled her from the school and home schooled her all last spring, we still had so many junior high parties there. Even with her not going to the school, she was still one of the most poplar kids. :dunno

It's something that I never, in a million years, will be able to relate too. I was such a nerdy, dweeby girl and would never have thought to "make my friends poplar". Leave it to Viola. I write it down as her having God-given talents and gifts for leadership, and we just need to help her use them with a little more humility and grace.

 

[Sparkey]

Hi, Handy...

I've read only the first post (yours) in the thread and wanted to write back before reading further. I'll edit after reading the whole thread if (when) something else occurs to me.

First, I smiled when you spoke about this thread being something that women may understand more than men, and yes, I would agree to a degree. Still, it is like my dad said, "If, over the course of your entire lifetime, you make three true friends, you are rich indeed." The concern you express about feelings of betrayal (especially from friends) is at the heart of the Christian message and of the path that our Lord followed here. What happened to your daughter was brutal.

You mentioned our command to forgive and how if a brother (or sister) were to come to us seven times in a single day asking for forgiveness or even 70 times or even 7 x 70 times --> we, as His followers, must be willing to forgive. Here is the difficult part though. The 'meat' of it, not the sweet part and I mention it for your consideration. There are many hard sayings of Jesus found. It is my old man river way to meander a bit while making a point, so bear with me, please. Consider "Adultery in the Heart (Matt 5:28)," or "Plucking out the right eye (Matt 5:29)," "You therefore must be perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect (Matt 5:48).

In the past I've considered this forgiveness command along with a proviso, "If your brother were to come to you and ask..." placing the burden (wrongly) at least partially on the offender. I've reasoned, "Well, if he/she doesn't so much as want to be forgiven? Who am I to argue?" Today though when I look with care at the scripture (I've been dealing with similar in my own life recently) there is something for me to learn. Jesus had repeatedly impressed the need for forgiveness on his disciples. That they were not to harbor resentment toward those who had injured them. "Yes, but how many times?" Peter asked, "Seven?" And he probably thought that was about the limit of reasonable forbearance.

"Not seven times," Jesus replied, "But seventy times seven." Jesus answered Peter's question (our question) with the parable of the unforgiving servant. A king had granted pardon for a large debt (you know the story). The man was forgiven all. He then found someone else in the Royal Service who was in debt to him personally (not to the king) and demanded prompt payment. The unforgiving servant had the other man thrown into debtor's prison. The King heard tell of what had happened, summoned the unforgiving servant back into his presence, revoked his pardon, and treated him as he had treated the other, "In anger his lord delivered him to the jailers till he should pay all his debt."

"So", said Jesus, "in this way will my heavenly Father deal with any of you if you do not forgive your brother or sister from your heart." Revoke a pardon once granted? God would not do such a thing, surely. Jesus said he would. A hard saying indeed.

I had mentioned that I was dealing with a specific situation in my life regarding this issue. Many, many years ago my sister inherited a condominium from my uncle and contracted (verbally) with me so that I would make needful repairs and then act as her agent to sell the property. She stated simply, "You may keep any money you make over [what she considered fair market value]." My friend was a contractor and we remodeled, replaced the carpet and offered the Real Estate Agency and extra percentage if the condo sold within 2 months. My sister had put a deadline on her offer, she didn't want any delay. The property sold for more than twice what was expected but when it came time to settle accounts I was told, "I will give you $4,000 for your work, I spoke to a lawyer and that's how much he said it was worth."

This is the "issue" that I am facing today and I would like to offer a deal to you (and through you, your daughter). I will pray our God that she learn what I am still trying to learn and would ask for your prayers for this old dog as well. I want to be like HIM. Teaching an old dog new tricks, forgiveness from the innermost parts, where there is no resentment left over can only be done by His Spirit and is vital to my salvation.

With love,
~Sparrow